by Ryan Michele
I push my wolf back down as she whines, shaking her head in despair. Aware of the Councilor’s watchful eyes, I don’t want him to sense the turmoil rolling around inside of me. My wolf is still very much present, but she has gone into a state of hibernation, only waking when it’s necessary. Like at one of these meetings or when I’m required to shift with the pack. Other than that, I don’t hear a thought or feel a movement from her. She only sleeps.
‘Damn she’s hot.’ The Councilor has no idea that I can hear his internal dialogue. ‘What I wouldn’t give to fuck her.’ I clench my hands into fists, trying to block out his thoughts, but they keep coming at me, each one dirtier than the last. ‘I’d bend her over, ass up high, face down, and pound that pussy until she howls.’
My stomach rolls and vomit climbs up my throat. I choke it down. My only saving grace is that he can’t utter a word out loud. If he did, Ian would have the right to rip out his throat. The bastard would do it too, just because he can.
‘Done,’ I hear Alpha voice inside my head as he speaks the same ones to Gregor. Since learning of my gift, as he calls it, I’ve learned how to tune in to one being and shut out the others around me. I’ve become so adept at hearing people that they don’t even need to be in the same room for me to know what they are thinking. It comes and with Alpha, it’s as if he has a direct link to me. Even hearing his thoughts, before he addresses anyone as he speaks.
Honestly, I can’t stand it, or him for that matter.
“It’s done. Let’s go.” I rise from Ian’s lap, brush his hand off me, and move toward the door. Ian grabs my hand as I go. Gotta keep up pretenses, right? I don’t fight it because…what’s the use? I’m stuck.
The copper smell of blood infiltrates my nostrils as I step outside and walk through the massacred wolves lying on the ground. All six that were in the room are torn to shreds. Alpha and Gregor slip on their shirts and we head to the black SUV waiting for us. Clean up is for the enforcers to deal with later.
I climb into the very back, Ian by my side. Alpha and Gregor sit in the middle row while two enforcers take the front. I stare out the window, not saying a word, only here physically. I shut down all thoughts from others and try to find some kind of solace, but it doesn’t come.
“You did good, girl.” Alpha’s praises mean shit to me. They are nothing but a pat on his back for another task done dutifully by me. I stopped caring the moment more wanting power outranked taking care of his family, his daughter. The coldness in his eyes that first time I rejected his plan still haunts me.
“Daddy, we can’t do this,” I plead, tears streaming down my face and crashing to the cold floor beneath me. I can’t take someone’s life just for the hell of it.
“You’ll do what I fucking say or you’ll stay in there,” he barks, and my hands grip the metal slats of the cage he locked me in moments before. The space is small, and all I can do is either sit or curl in a ball. Wolves are not made to be confined. We are born to be free, roam free. This…this can’t be happening.
“Why do you want to hurt the others? We have been so happy for so long.” I appeal to his more human side, or at least I try. In all my years, he’s never shown me this side of him. Angry, menacing, cold.
“You’ve no idea what is going to happen, but I do. You’ll work for me so it doesn’t. You will do as I say or you’ll remain locked in here.”
A low whimper escapes my throat. Where’s my mom, surely she wouldn’t let him cage me up like this. Would she? And my brother? Where is he?
“Daddy, please,” I beg, unable to stop the sobs this time, and my chest constricts with the thought of him leaving me like this. He can’t.
“You made your bed.” He turns off the light in the small basement room and walks out of the door, locking it behind him. Panic hits me like a boulder to the gut. No, please no.
I learned quickly that disobeying him would not be tolerated. I never in a million years would have thought my father could allow such deep greed to overtake him. That his pack would now fear him instead of respect him. I don’t know him at all. The man I loved when I was a pup is dead and has been since I revealed my power. The only connection I have to this wolf in the vehicle with me is that he is my Alpha. Just as the man I once knew is dead, so is a piece of me. A part of me died inside that cage. I did what I could, but I couldn’t stay locked in there.
“Thank you, Alpha.” I keep my voice monotone, withholding any emotion. I placate him and give him what he wants; in turn, he and the others, except for my on-duty bodyguard, stay away from me on the property. Not that it’s any better, but at least I have a sliver of peace and I’m not completely locked up.
“Only three more to go.” A smarmy smile spreads across Alpha’s face, menacing evil emanating from it. It’s detestable and if I were powerful enough, I’d rip his throat out myself. Wolves honor their Alphas and treat them with the utmost respect, but I have no interest in that. To me, my Alpha has no honor. He doesn’t deserve respect.
“Daddy, please no!” I scream loudly, the sound bouncing off the walls of the small room. The fear is so thick I swear I’m in a fog.
“You always were fucking stubborn. Do I need to bring your mother and brother back in here?”
I still and shake my head adamantly. The last time he brought them down here, he beat them while I watched. I screamed for him to stop, pleaded, but he didn’t. My mother got it bad, but my brother, Zane, got it worse. At one point, I thought for sure he was dead, but my father brought in the healer and healed him in front of me.
“No...no…” I repeat, somewhat controlling the tremor in my voice.
“Are you ready to do as I say?” He stares at me with eyes that are so cold, I’m surprised ice doesn’t form around them. No warmth. Void. Emotionless. Gone.
But I can’t do what he wants me to do. I can’t. “No.”
“You are a stubborn fool.” He’s asked me the same thing every day for Heaven knows how long. I’ve held myself together, I don’t know how, but I have. Unfortunately, part of me is beginning to crack. I feel it in my bones. Daily the fracture grows deeper, threatening to break. I’m terrified that the damage will be irreparable. What would happen then?
“One week. I’m calling the Raber Pack to set up a meeting with Xavier. They are tough so we need to be extremely prepared.” Alpha’s voice pulls me out of my treacherous memories. Ironic, the man who gave me the memory is the one to pull me from it.
Alpha and his men carry on conversations like this all of the time, like I’m not even in the van with them. I’ve learned a lot by listening, but it’s not like I can do anything with the information. I file it all away, like everything else, just sitting there useless for another day.
“They are younger wolves so we’ll need to double up on the enforcers when we ambush. We’ll need the women, too. They’ll need to help at their pack house,” Gregor chimes in, like it’s nothing in the world to take out an entire pack in the blink of the eye. True, our kind have been challenging each other for centuries, but not like this. Not this deceitfully and disgracefully. At least before, the wolves could hold their heads up high, with us, no way. Our heads should hang down in shame. Challenges were honorable and fair. This is flat-out murder.
“Zara, can you get a read on them before the meeting?” Alpha asks, turning around in the seat. His once-dazzling eyes that I loved looking into as a child now hold nothing but hate. I focus on his stare, not backing down.
“I’ve never seen them so I cannot conjure up their thoughts,” I reply, with zero emotion.
“So, if we can get you a picture, can you do it?” he asks, hopeful.
“I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. I have to physically see them in order to hear them.” I have answered this exact question a slew of times and each time, it’s the same answer. He knows my powers don’t work the way he wants them to and I wonder why he continually asks.
“Shit,” he growls. “Somehow we need to get her in contact with at least t
he Beta and Gamma. I don’t want to chance her seeing the Alpha,” he announces to everyone in the car, everyone but me. I find this statement a bit odd considering I’m around Alphas at his little meetings, but I could not care less. His reasons are his own and he’ll never share with me. Maybe if I get close enough to the other pack they might rip my throat out and save me from this. Maybe then I could find peace.
“They have a decent-sized pack,” Gregor states, rubbing his chin, deep in thought.
“I want as few wolves as possible around Zara,” Alpha warns. I’d love to roll my eyes, but I don’t. I sit here quietly. Even though I do his bidding, he never wants me around other wolves unless it’s absolutely necessary. Because heaven forbid I find my true mate and try to leave the pack. I scoff at the thought.
Everyone thinks I’m mated to Ian. I played along at the ceremony, even bit him, but felt nothing—no cosmic electrical connection, or whatever is supposed to happen when wolves mate. It was only a bite. Other wolves stay away from mated females and since I took that stupid little pill, they keep their distance from me. I can’t blame them. Somehow, it tricks them just like everyone else. The emptiness inside of me leaves little hope that my true mate is even in existence any more. I should be able to feel something, but instead there is nothing there for my true one.
“Meeting in my office after dinner and we hash this out,” Alpha orders. “Zara, you’re not needed at the meeting.” Of course I’m not, not that I would want to go. His words just prove that I’m insignificant, a peon.
“Thank you, Alpha,” I reply lamely, ready to go to my room and be alone. Ian may sleep in the same bed as me, but his stuff is elsewhere in the house. He tries to stay away from me any way he can, but that is just not possible. He has to keep up the farce for his own position in the pack. His role used to be a low-level enforcer, and he was never going to move higher up in the ranks. So, at Alpha’s request, for the sake of the pack, he mated with me. I really don’t know the details of what happened between him and Alpha. What I do know is, Ian came out of that meeting pissed the hell off, but ranking under my father at number four in the pack. He’s now Alpha’s duty guard and mine as well. So began my life of un-blissful mating.
WE PULL UP TO OUR massive compound, the driver nods at the gatekeeper and he opens the enormous metal gates for us to enter. Our pack has spared no expense regarding protection. The tall walls surrounding the property are made of concrete and have electric charges at the top. The home is huge, overdone, and not compatible with the way wolves are supposed to live. This is lush, eccentric, modern: straight lines and stainless steel and black everything. It is actually, not a home at all. It’s a showcase. For who, I’m not sure. Only the wolves in the pack are allowed inside. It’s not as if we’re having parties and inviting everyone on the planet over to show it off.
The SUV stops and we pile out. I set off quickly in my heels, wanting to be alone, needing space. None of the males follow step and from Ian’s thoughts, he’s thankful that I’m leaving. As I enter the house, smells of roast beef fill the air, but it only makes my stomach twist. I try my damnedest to miss meal times, but my presence is requested so I must show, smile, and keep my mouth shut. I consume what my body will handle and leave as quickly as possible.
“Zara.” My name being called from the kitchen as I step on the first stair toward my solace stops me in my tracks. My mother, the Alpha female of the pack. Damn. I once had the kind of mom that would bake cookies with you and fix your scraped knee. I had a mother that I could talk to about anything and everything. I had all of that and in the span of a few months, it disappeared. Of course, my father beat it out of her and no one in the pack stopped him. I could say it’s not her fault, but I’d be lying. I do blame her. She was supposed to protect me. That was her job as my mother. Now, after all this time has passed, I feel nothing for her, not even in the furthest recesses of my soul, some minute space, it’s gone. Her lack of protecting me is unforgivable.
“Yes, mother,” I answer with the same tone I address anyone from my pack. Clean, respectful, to the point and with the least amount of words possible.
“Would you like to come into the kitchen and help me out?” Her cheerful tone does zip to change my feelings toward her. Inside her mind, she’s squirming, trying to find some way to make up for what happened to me. Trying to find some way to get me back, to get me to look at her the way I did when I was a kid. News flash, it will never happen, not in this lifetime, which is a long-ass time.
“I’m rather tired from today’s meeting. I feel the need to lie down,” I reply, looking directly into my mother’s eyes. ‘I wish you’d forgive me. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I wish things were different.’ Apologies flutter through her mind and she knows I can hear them, but I make it a point to not give her the satisfaction of a response.
With my mother being the Alpha female of the pack, she should exert that authority on me, but she doesn’t. Alpha females, normally, rule every other female in the pack, but with us, it’s different. While I’m respectful to her, she has so much pent-up guilt for not helping me that she allows me to do my own thing. Other females in the pack have noticed this, and my mother has been challenged because of it several times. But she won those battles, remaining the top female.
I also know that my father has commanded her to leave me be, but my mother would have done that on her own. It’s another small reprieve. I have so few of them and I cherish each and every one.
“Sure. Dinner will be in two hours. See you then.” She wipes her hands on a towel nervously, which is kind of funny when you really think about it. Alpha female, nervous? Whatever, I don’t have the energy to think about it.
“Thank you, mother,” I say as I turn and make my escape to my room. I lock the door, giving myself an ounce of privacy, not letting it faze me that every wolf living here has a key. I kick off my platinum heels, take off my light gray skirt, and white blouse. I throw on my comfortable clothes, black yoga pants, and an old Margaritaville t-shirt. I enter my attached bathroom and avoid my eyes in the mirror. I just can’t. When I look at myself, I have to face what I’ve helped Alpha do. It’s better to keep avoiding it. Keep feeling nothing.
I grab a cleanser wipe and scrub all the makeup off my skin. I brush my teeth, trying to rid the bad taste today left in my mouth, and then twist my hair up into a messy bun, pulling a hair tie around it.
I fall into the bed and look up at the ceiling. Quiet, peace. All the voices are turned off, nothing clouding my head, leaving only me.
I royally suck.
I had such high expectations for myself. Such high hopes. My parents were overprotective but not horrible while I was growing up. I thought I’d meet my mate and there would be this instantaneous, heart-stopping moment where we would be the only ones in the whole world. That everything would pause and the only focus would be on our connection. I had visions of my heart beating in sync with the man I was supposed to be with and talking to him through the mating link. I wanted that connection and more importantly, I wanted love. That absolute, unconditional love that only exists in human fairytales. Yep, that kind of love.
I was going to have a claiming ceremony filled with love and devotion. We would mark each other and be together until the end of eternity. We would have lots and lots of hot sex that would result in a ton of pups running around and be…happy. I’d be happy.
Instead, I am this. A shell of the strong, independent, take-no-shit-from-anyone woman that I used to be. I loved those things about myself. I was proud of them. I had confidence and even thought I was pretty. I had ambition and dreams.
It’s amazing how all of me was destroyed. Now, I’m nothing. Alone. With each day that passes, I chastise myself for trusting him. Distressing thoughts constantly flitter through my head. Unable to stop them when I’m asleep, nightmares consume me. If only he would have given me death, then I could at least have peace.
The emptiness in my soul tightens, and knots form in my gut. Wha
t’s left of my failed heart shrinks more and parts chip off, swirling into the abyss of nothingness. The hope that I once held so dear is shredded and set aflame, dissipating forever. Wetness forms behind my eyes. I will not cry. I will not shed one more damn tear on the poor, pitiful me train. I choke it back and breathe in deep, fighting the emotion with everything I have.
I look up at the ceiling, counting the intricate circles that someone took so much time painstakingly engraving into the worn ceiling. No one in my pack probably even notices. But they have become a lifeline for me these past months. Counting them one by one in order to get away from all of the thoughts in my head, those of mine and those of others. Counting, slow and methodical, until my eyes begin to close and I drift off.
Tired. Alone. Caged. Constricted. Restricted. Hopeless.
A sharp clang rings out. Steel metal bars encase me from top to bottom, leaving only a cold metal floor, where I lie naked. I jolt from the noise. Please not again. Please not again. I’ve been holding on to what little sanity I have left for quite some time. How many days, I have no idea. They all blend together at this point.
Stubborn, my father calls it. Disrespectful. Unappreciative.
“Get your ass up,” he yells into the cage. I try to obey, but my body is so weak, so tired. It takes a bit, but I push myself up on my hands and knees, panting with each move. Not having regular food and water, especially when you’re a high metabolism wolf burning food faster than one can consume it, is disastrous. I rise to my feet, ever so slowly, legs trembling from holding my weight as I grasp onto the metal bars.
