Quickly checking her head for blood and her chest for a mark, I didn’t find any. Thank god. That was all for show. Again, he wanted to assert his power over us by freaking me out. Mission accomplished. I grabbed her pacifier and carried her out the front door. As soon as we walked out the door, she settled down. Even at two, she knew we were safer outside. He wouldn’t ever follow us out. Too many neighbors. Too much risk. There were always eyes on us. They all knew what he did in that house and were constantly looking for an excuse to call the cops.
Keeping a low profile is critical when you’re a drug dealer and beating his family in front of the neighbors didn’t fit into his M.O. Thankfully.
So, Macy and I walked down the street and crossed into an open field. The wildflowers were still in bloom and it was one of my favorite places to sit and think. When the weeds were tall, I could almost hide in their web. It was one of the few places I felt safe. We stayed in that cocoon of leaves and petals until I saw my mom’s station wagon turn the corner with Billy in the back seat.
It had probably only been thirty minutes but the sun had set. We were quiet as we walked up the driveway behind her car.
“What are you guys doing out here? Where’s Jesse?” She looked us over and walked up to me. In a lower voice, she asked, “Did he do something to you? What happened?”
I wanted to tell her about him kicking Macy off her feet but it was a waste of breath. We were both fine so it wouldn’t have done anything but start a fight. And I hated to be the one to start something between them. That happened often enough without my intervention.
“No, nothing happened. I just didn’t want to be in the house so we went for a walk. I got you diapers and cigarettes.” Diversion worked as well on her as it did on the kids.
“You did? Thanks, baby. You’re so good to me.”
We walked in the front door and found Jesse asleep on the couch.
“I have some homework to finish. I’ll be in the room.”
“I have homework too. Can you help me with it?” Billy tugged my arm as we walked back to our room.
“Of course, kiddo. Let’s see what you have.”
By the time we finished Billy’s worksheet and read his book, it was close to nine. I took a quick shower and was walking back to the room when I heard a few voices in the living room. All of Jesse’s “friends” sounded alike so I didn’t know who it was and didn’t care. Until I heard the words that would destroy the relative calm of the night.
“Hey, Angie, I saw you at the gas station talking to Paco.”
“Oh, yeah, he told me to say hi to you, babe.” I could hear the nervous tremor in her voice and wanted to kill the guy who brought that up. I could imagine it was literally an innocent hello over the gas pump but Jesse didn’t take well to Mom “flirting” with his friends.
“Is that so?” Jesse said.
“What was I supposed to do? Ignore him? He’s your friend and he said hi. That’s it.”
Oh, shit. Instead of keeping her mouth shut, which occasionally avoided a full blowout, she decided to talk back. That never ended well.
Laughing, the asshole friend had done what he set out to do. “Well, I’ll let you guys figure this out. See ya later, Jes.”
Making a detour, I snuck into their bedroom and saw Macy asleep in her crib. The rail was low so she could climb in and out on her own but at least she would be out of their way. The yelling in the front room started as soon I found her pacifier and strategically positioned it near her head.
Mom was crying and cussing. Jesse was banging around and calling her a whore. At least the kids were asleep and didn’t have to witness this. Just as I closed the bedroom door, I heard a thump and a loud cry. Then the house was silent.
I desperately wanted to go check on my mom but that would only make things worse. I learned a long time ago that he was worse with an audience and just a passing glance was enough to get him going again. I crawled up to my bed and cried silently until I heard the shower turn on. Once I was sure he would be locked in the bathroom for a while, I crept out of my room and went looking for Mom.
I found a fern in a pile of dirt on the ground and a broken ceramic pot. The pot was covered in dark red blood that trailed out the front door. Apparently, Mom also felt getting out of the house was her only sanctuary. I stuck my head outside and quietly called for her but she didn’t answer. Hearing the water turn off, I ran back to the room on my tiptoes and climbed up into bed.
I lay in bed for hours before I heard a rustling outside my window. Lifting the corner of the curtain, I saw Mom pull the screen off. Without a word, she climbed through the window and walked straight to my closet. The side of her head was matted with caked blood and her shirt was covered in crusty brown splotches. Her heavy breathing coming from the crack she left in the closet door was the only sound in the room.
When her breathing evened out, I had to speak. “Mom,” I whispered.
“What?” she asked, annoyed that I was putting her hiding place in jeopardy.
“Don’t die.”
Chapter Five
What’s Your Name?
The next morning was relatively quiet. Mom fed the kids while I made Billy’s lunch and gathered everything into his backpack. I was anxious to be on our way. I walked him to his bus stop at the corner and left him with some buddies. As soon as my bus arrived, I could feel the tension start to ebb from my body. I let my mind wander to Logan. Would he still talk to me or was he already over it?
Kim was walking up the front steps right as I arrived. ”Okay, I got the four-one-one on Logan. He works at the smoothie place in the mall so we have to go there tonight. You can stay over, right?”
“Yeah, I’m not going home for a while. I have to work until about six but we can go after that.” I left some cash in the jar on my dresser for Mom so she’d be fine for a few days. Well, fine for gas and cigarettes. That’s all I could do for her. It seemed like the ‘bad days’ were more frequent when I was home so I hoped that by giving them some space, she would get a reprieve. Of course, that meant the kids were on their own too but Mom was pretty good at taking the brunt of her husband’s fury...especially if she knew I wouldn’t be around to intervene.
Before I left, I also packed a bag of clothes so I could stay away for a while. If necessary, I’d borrow some of Kim’s ‘baggy’ clothes. She didn’t have many but there were a few things I could squeeze my hips into.
I was at my locker, dropping off books, when a hand passed my face and pressed against the locker next to mine. I could feel his breath on my neck before I heard him speak.
“So, tell me the truth. What’s your real name?”
Huh? I turned under his arm and was staring at Logan’s chest. I peeked up at him under my lashes. He was so close, he could have kissed me. The smirk on his face told me he knew what I was thinking.
“Uh, Liz.”
“Amanda said your name is Beth. So, which is it?”
He was wearing a hunter green t-shirt that was the exact shade of his eyes. I wanted to stare into them for hours but he was waiting for my response. “Well, my full name is Elizabeth. I used to go by Beth but now it’s Liz.” I peeked under his arm and saw some chick that I went to middle school with. She was always a bitch and by the dirty look she was giving me, I could tell she was less than happy with the attention Logan was giving me.
“Good, because I didn’t want to believe you were lying to me.”
I shook my head. Did he really think that?
Amanda scooted to Logan’s side and gave me a once over, making sure Logan saw how unimpressed she was. “So now you’re Liz? I can see why you wanted to change your name now that you aren’t as...thick as you used to be.”
His hand came up and pushed a loose wave of hair behind my ear. His thumb trailed over the edge of my lobe and he fingered my small silver hoop earring. “I like the name Liz. It suits you. A pretty name for a pretty girl.”
I could feel my face burning but I didn’t look
away. “Thanks,” I said shyly. “I guess I’ll see you at break.”
“You better,” he gave me a half-smile and pushed away from my locker. Turning gracefully, he walked down the hallway with Amanda at his side.
It took me a minute to calm my heart. I’d never been that close to a boy, especially one that looked like Logan, and I was afraid my knees would give out. When the warning bell rang, I quickly gathered my P.E. clothes and walked to the gym.
Kim and I had first period P.E. together so we met up in the locker room and changed into our uniform. She could make a boxy t-shirt and basketball shorts look sexy. Me, not so much. But, the royal blue Anderson Angels shirt brought out my turquoise eyes so that helped take some of the attention away from my big booty. No matter how much weight I lost, I’d always have my mom’s bubble butt.
The first day was mostly a fitness assessment that was used to benchmark progress throughout the semester. We had to do basic calisthenics and run the track. Kim and I slowly jogged while she filled me in on the plans for after school.
She promised Austin that we’d go to the mall for dinner at seven. He would be there with some friends and Logan was working so we could stop by his kiosk for dessert. Apparently, he asked Kim for my number via Austin so I was to expect a call.
I was excited and terrified. As much as I was obsessed with how Logan looked and how sweet he’d been, I also knew I really couldn’t get involved with a boy...especially an older boy that would want to come to my house and meet my family. That would never fly. Just thinking about it made my stomach hurt a little.
“Beth...Liz...whatever. Are you even listening to me?” Kim was stretching on a barre against the gym wall when I realized I had zoned out.
“Maybe. What was the last thing you said?”
“Ugh, I was asking what you brought to wear. You don’t want to wear the same thing tonight that you wore to school. So, do you have something or should I find something cute in my mom’s closet? She’s not going to be home until Sunday so she won’t mind.”
“Why can’t I wear what I have on today?” The denim skirt and layered t-shirts were fine for a mall meal. I didn’t want to waste one of the few outfits I had with me for a two hour event.
“Trust me. You need to look cute. I’ll find something and you can change when you come by. Maddie will drop us off and pick us up so we’ll have time to get you ready after work.” Maddie was the Curtner’s housekeeper. She was Kim’s nanny when she was little but now she was mostly a chauffeur and guardian when the Curtners weren’t around. They were both doctors and practically lived at the hospital when they weren’t traveling to conferences or universities to speak.
“Okay. I guess.” It wasn’t worth arguing with her about fashion. She was always right and if she had something I could wear, I’d be her dress up doll for the night. It was actually fun having her excited about me for a change. Usually the topic at any given moment was around her clothes and boys that she was into. We were in completely foreign territory.
When I walked into Humanities with damp hair from my shower, I was shocked to see Logan in the back corner. He looked up when I walked in and glanced at the desk next to his. There was a backpack on the table but he quickly moved it. Not wanting to take the only other open seat, in the front row, I walked straight toward him and slid into the chair.
“Well, this is a nice surprise. I was hoping to have you in one of my classes...” His whispered words sent shivers through me.
I didn’t realize I was leaning toward him until my pen rolled off the other end of my desk and I had to move my chair just to reach it.
“Were you saving this seat for someone?”
“Just for you. Wishes do come true...”
I smiled at his cheesy line. He could pull it off. It was clear he didn’t take himself too seriously which was a huge turn-on. I hated cocky guys that thought they were all that, especially when they were.
Logan seemed to have a natural confidence that didn’t rely on his looks. He was just easy going and real. I could imagine myself falling for him despite my heart and head telling me it would be an absolute disaster.
When the bell rang, Ms. Johnson, a first year teacher that barely looked old enough to drink, started on the introductions. She read from the list provided by the office and I did my standard correction of “Liz” when she called out “Elizabeth.” I couldn’t help but glance at Logan to remind him again that I was telling the truth about my name. He chuckled softly at my “see, I told you” look.
Not five minutes had passed when I got a text. I quickly muted my ringer and checked to see who it was. I rarely got texts during the day so I immediately went into panic mode, thinking that something had happened at home. My worry was short lived when I saw the message attached to the unfamiliar number.
I hope you don’t mind that I asked Kim for your number.
OMG. It was from Logan. I casually glanced at him and he was watching me with a big grin.
No problem.
I really needed to work on my one-liners.
You live around here?
Shit. I had to be careful how I answered that. I was supposed to be living at Kim’s as far as the school district was concerned but I didn’t think Logan would report my out-of-district status. And, if he knew how far away I lived, it would ensure he never tried to come over.
I stay at Kim’s a lot. She’s down on Miller.
Why?
My family lives in San Jose so I’m using her address for school.
That’s cool. Is that why you weren’t here last year?
Yeah. I hated Lincoln so I talked them into letting me transfer this year.
Do you drive or get a ride?
Shame train. Can’t drive til summer.
You ride the bus that far...alone? Is that safe?
Yup. It’s fine. I like the quiet time, actually.
We spent the whole class texting about random things. He was much more interested in me than was warranted. I’m pretty boring in most respects. I barely got to ask him anything. But, that changed after class. We walked out together and he followed me to my locker. I didn’t want to assume he wanted to hang out with me during our break but he stayed by my side so I just went with it. After dropping off my clothes and Humanities book, we walked toward the flag pole where he was with his friends the day before. Kim was already there, smiling broadly when she saw us walking up together.
I tried to play it off as no big deal but the stupid grin on my face probably gave away how happy I was.
“There you are,” Kim said to me but was looking at Logan. I couldn’t help but notice her eyes lingering on his face a little longer than necessary for a polite hello. As terrible as it is to admit, I felt the tiniest bit of pride that he chose me over her. Although, walking me out of class wasn’t exactly choosing me for anything. In the back of my mind, I still had to believe that he wasn’t interested in me beyond my resemblance to Randy’s ex. Did Logan have a thing for her?
“Hey, lady.” I scooted closer to Kim to give Logan some space. If he actually did like me, he had a helluva challenge ahead of him to prove it. My fat girl insecurities ran deep and a few smiles weren’t gonna break past them very easily. I seriously needed to start saving my money for therapy.
“So, we’re meeting the guys at Chili’s for dinner tonight. What time will you be off work?”
As Kim was talking, Logan walked up behind me. I could feel his presence but didn’t look back at him.
“What guys are you meeting? You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” His hands landed on my shoulders and he gave me a little shake to indicate who he was talking to.
My face flushed as I peeked back to see him. He had a tight smile that looked anything but happy. “Uh, I don’t know. I just got here too, remember?” I probably sounded irritated but I was mostly just focusing on not leaning back into his chest and curling into him. I looked to Kim and took a deep breath while waiting for her to explain.
Ki
m looked at Logan and smiled. “You, silly! Randy said you get off at seven thirty so you can meet us there.”
“Oh, okay then.” He squeezed my shoulders gently before dropping his hands. The disappointment of losing his contact was quickly alleviated when he stepped up to my back. His chest was against my right arm and his left hand played with the ends of my hair.
“Sounds good. I should be off work before six tonight,” I said. Logan’s cologne surrounded me. I wanted to turn into his chest and take a whiff but that would have been pathetic. More pathetic than I was already acting.
“Perfect!” Kim spun on her heel to face Austin. She wrapped both hands around his bicep and waited anxiously for him to stop talking to his friends and acknowledge her.
“You never answered my question.” Logan’s warm breath smelled like peppermint as he leaned into my neck.
“Hmm?” I couldn’t focus on anything but the heat from his body so close to mine. Did he ask me a question? Whatever it was, the answer was yes, yes, yes!
“Do you have a boyfriend?” His words were serious and he tugged my hair a bit to make me look at him.
Oh, that question.
“No,” I whispered. I wasn’t trying to be coy but between my nerves and my giddiness, I’m sure he thought I was flirting. Maybe I was. I didn’t do it often enough to really know.
“You mean not yet.” My eyes had drifted to his full lips but when he caught me checking him out, his smirk reminded me of where I was.
What do you say to that? I just shrugged and looked away.
~**~
Kim’s closet had mysteriously been stocked with mediums instead of her usual extra smalls. I don’t know if she asked her mom to shop for me or if Susan took it upon herself to get me some school clothes. Either way, I appreciated it. As embarrassing as it was that she knew even some of the secrets of my own family, I was truly grateful for the Curtners. They treated me like their own daughter. Not the pretty daughter but the one that needed extra attention to make up for her shortcomings. I made a mental note to get her something special for Mother’s Day when it came around.
Safer Outside (A Mature YA Romance) (The Outside Series) Page 3
