“Mama, Mama.” She was getting to old to call me that but I wasn’t willing to correct her. She was too cute to scold.
“Hi, sweetheart.” I pulled her into my arms and spun her around. “Have you been a good girl?”
“Swing me.” She ran to the board hanging from a tree by a rope and laid her belly on it.
I set her upright and pushed her on the swing. I was in my head, not paying attention to my surroundings, when strong arms wrapped around me from behind. I froze until I heard the voice attached to those arms.
“How’s my favorite girl?”
“Riley!” I turned and gave him a hug. It had been a while since I’d seen him. “How are you?”
“I’m better now. You look gorgeous as ever.” He was such a flirt.
I smiled and swatted his hand that was holding my hip. “Thanks.”
He grabbed my left hand and pulled it forward. “What’s this? You get married since I last saw you?”
I laughed nervously and pulled my hand away. “No, of course not. It’s just a ring.” I’d forgotten to take it off on the bus. I hated not being able to wear it at home but I didn’t want Jesse to freak out.
“Who loves you?” Riley actually looked concerned. “Who gave you that?”
I slipped the ring off and slid it into my back pocket. “Uh, no one. Just a friend.” I felt like I was betraying Logan by saying that but I couldn’t risk Riley saying something to Jesse.
Riley’s eyes focused over my shoulder. He pulled me into his chest protectively and said, “Can I help you, man?”
I turned to see Logan standing on the sidewalk. Close enough to hear everything. I was frozen in Riley’s arms while Logan turned and got into his dad’s Expedition.
“Logan, wait.” By the time I was able to move, Logan was already pulling away. Without a backward glance, he was gone and I wasn’t sure he’d ever be back. I fell to my knees, hyperventilating.
Riley held Macy while I sat on the lawn and tried to understand how my world had crumbled in just a few minutes. I wanted to chase Logan’s car and beg him to listen but I didn’t. I couldn’t even call him because I didn’t have my phone. I just buried my hands in my face and rocked.
“Sweetheart, are you okay?” Riley kneeled next to me, rubbing my back.
I shook my head.
“Let’s get you inside.” Lifting me by my shoulders, he pulled me to my feet and walked me in.
“What’s her problem?” Jesse was lying on the sofa with a beer in his hand.
“Her boyfriend just took off.” Riley spoke before I could stop him. I couldn’t even look Jesse in the eye, afraid of what I’d see.
“Is that so?” He got up and shook Riley’s hand. “Hey, man. Good to see you.”
I took Macy from Riley’s arms and carried her to my room. She was getting sleepy so I put her on Billy’s bed and went to search for her pacifier. By the time I got back, she was asleep.
Once I heard the front door shut, I went to the kitchen to get some water. Jesse was leaning against the fridge, staring at me. I pretended everything was fine while I filled a glass with water from the tap. “So, have you heard from Mom? Is Billy okay?”
“She’s still in the waiting room so she’s gonna be a few hours.”
That’s not what I wanted to hear. “Oh. Well, I better go check on Macy.”
At the end of the hall, I thought I was home free but when I heard Jesse’s heavy footsteps behind me, I slowed down. I didn’t want him following me into the room Macy was in so I stopped outside my door.
Jesse’s large hand tangled into the back of my hair as he pulled my head back. “I think we need to have a little chat.”
He dragged me to the door next to mine and into his bedroom. With a rough shove, I was face down on his bed. The day had gone from bad to worse over the course of twenty minutes.
I rolled over, trying to get up but his palm against my sternum held me down. Completely at his mercy, I had no choice but to beg.
“Jesse, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.” I scooted back a few inches so the top of my head hung off the side of the mattress but that just pissed him off more.
“Sorry for what, princess?” He had crazy eyes, the kind he got when he was drinking or off his meds. Or both. It’d been weeks since I saw them but I recognized the signs immediately. This would end very badly.
“Sorry for upsetting you.” I didn’t actually have anything else to be sorry for so I tried to be vague without sounding sarcastic. He hated sarcasm.
“You didn’t upset me.” His hand scooted over so it was completely cupping my breast. “You pissed me the fuck off.” He squeezed hard, making me pull away from his hand and yelp at the pain.
“Please let me go.”
“You don’t have a boyfriend, do you understand me?” His other hand moved to my hip then slid around to the bottom of my ass. “You fucking belong to me and only me.”
I nodded. “Okay, I get it. It’s over between us anyway.”
“I hope so, princess.” He tore my shirt at the neck and split it down the center, exposing my bra and belly. “Otherwise, he’d be pretty pissed at what I’m about to do.”
My heart raced as I tried to shove him off me. He had at least a hundred pounds on me and I couldn’t overpower him. I had to be smart about every move I made.
He leaned over and kissed my right breast over my bra and then my left. Just having him so close to me caused my stomach to roll. His hands clamped down over my wrists to hold me in place. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten in my head as I tried to think.
When his mouth moved down over the center of my panties, I screamed. “No, please, Jesse. Please don’t do this.” I crossed my legs and bent at the knee, pushing him away in the process. Looking frantically for any kind of weapon, there was nothing within reach. Then I remembered Jesse always kept a loaded gun between the mattress and box spring.
“Trust me, princess. You’re gonna love this as much as your whore mama does.” When he let go of my left arm to unzip his pants, I let my arm fall over the side of the bed and out of his reach. It was also inches from where his gun was usually hidden.
“Mom will be home any minute. Don’t do this to her.” Running my hand along the seam of the mattress, I found the butt of the handgun. It was small but effective at close range. I’d only handled a gun a few times in a shooting range but I wasn’t afraid. Whatever happened next would be worth the risk. If nothing else, maybe this would finally be his third strike and enough to keep him in jail for a long time.
“We’ve got plenty of time.” His belt hung from both his hips as he slid his zipper down. “And if she does come home, it’ll be a good lesson for her to keep her kids in check.”
I carefully pulled the handle of the gun from its hiding spot as Jesse’s pants dropped. I tried to look away but I still saw the grotesque site of his large penis breaking free of his boxers as they fell to the floor with his jeans.
Firmly gripping the gun, my index finger felt for the trigger. Shooting with my left hand would be awkward but I would still do some damage. Hopefully enough damage to stop him rather than just piss him off enough to kill me instead of just raping me.
It felt like slow motion as he leaned his massive body over me and positioned himself at my center. As soon as his hand reached for the side of my panties, I pulled the gun forward and aimed at his chest. He was surprised just long enough for me to pull the trigger.
Blood and spit sprayed everywhere as Jesse collapsed on top of me. I thought I’d gone deaf when everything went silent. The blast was so loud I couldn’t hear anything but my own beating heart. At first, I panicked because I couldn’t breathe under Jesse’s weight but I quickly went into survival mode. Using the blood as a macabre lube, I managed to slip out from under Jesse and roll to the floor. I sat there in a huddled mess until the noises that sounded underwater became more clear. Eventually, my ears recovered enough for me to realize I was screaming. There were sirens in the distan
ce and some banging outside but I couldn’t move. I wouldn’t have moved at all if Macy hadn’t wandered in. She pushed open the door that wasn’t fully closed and ran toward me.
That finally snapped me out of my stupor. Crawling across the room on my knees, I picked her up and carried her down the hall. I was about to open the front door when it flew open and Logan burst through it. Instantly, I was in his arms. He held me as I cried against his shirt, clinging to him as if my life depended on it.
I barely noticed several police officers follow him in but when a female cop took Macy from my arms, I looked up. That was about the same time I remembered I was covered in blood and wearing only my bra and panties. With a room full of police, I instinctively pressed myself further into Logan, letting his body shield mine from the strangers in the room.
“Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to step away from this gentleman and come sit with me over here.” A man was standing just a few feet away from us and gesturing to the sofa.
Logan pulled off the hoodie he was wearing and slipped it over my head in one quick motion. I pushed my arms through and slowly walked to the sofa, never taking my eyes off him. I was certain he would disappear as soon as I looked away. I couldn’t lose him again. Never again.
The officer asked me questions that I answered truthfully. On auto-pilot, I told them everything that happened while I watched Logan from across the room. With each word I said, he became more tense. Every muscle in his body strained as he listened to my story.
Part of me wanted him to leave the room so he didn’t have to know the gory details but I didn’t want to retell the story later so I watched him as I spoke and waited for him leave.
I was sure he would realize I was too much trouble to deal with and walk out the door. I was terrified to see a look of disgust on his face but I couldn’t look away. Even when my mom rushed in and was told what had happened, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Logan. I didn’t want to miss one second with him. If my time with him was limited, I wouldn’t waste it by giving attention to anyone else.
Mom fell to her knees beside me. She had known it would come to this. This was what she was waiting for to finally be free of him. She just thought she would be the one to finally end it. In her mind, she believed she would always be there to take the hit for us.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” She cried against my thigh. “I’m so sorry I let this happen.”
I put my hand on her head and held her against me.
“I know, Mom.” I tried to reassure her that everything was okay. “It wasn’t your fault.”
We both knew it was but I didn’t need to say it. She knew it and she knew I knew it. That was enough. I wasn’t going to let Jesse Suarez take another second of my life away from me. From that moment, I would only look forward.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” The officers told her Jesse died before he was able to rape me but she could see I wasn’t 100%. I was near-naked and covered in blood. I was definitely not okay.
“I’m fine.” I saw Billy at the kitchen table with another officer. He was watching us while he moved a crayon around on some paper, not actually drawing but wanting us to think he was. “Go check on the kids.”
She gave me a long hug and kissed my temple. “Thank you,” she whispered in my ear.
I just nodded.
There were more questions and more statements. I heard words like investigation and custody but I couldn’t focus on what they were saying. They let me stay with Mom and assured us all that I was not in trouble so that was good enough for me. I felt like a zombie, going through the motions but not actually alive. I imagined watching myself from outside my body. Looking at the bloody girl in the corner, sitting in shock over what she’d done. What I saw wasn’t pretty.
Once the officers were done with me, they tried to take me to the hospital for an exam, I refused. There wasn’t any physical damage for a hospital to fix.
As soon as everyone started to clear away from me, Logan was at my side. I wanted to explain to him about Riley but it seemed like a lifetime had passed instead of just a few hours. I leaned against his shoulder and let him hold me. When I felt a drop land on my nose that didn’t come from me, I looked up and saw tears running down his cheeks.
I reached up to brush away the streaks.
“I’m so sorry, love.” He choked back a sob and buried his face in my neck. “This is my fault.”
I squeezed him tightly. “This was absolutely not your fault. I’m just sorry you had to see me like this. And, I’m sorry about earlier—”
He shook his head against mine. “Don’t say it. Don’t fucking say it. I shouldn’t have left. I should have let you explain...but when I heard the baby call you mama and saw that guy hugging you, I just let everything I’d heard from Mandy run through my mind. It all made perfect sense for about...five minutes.” He pulled back and looked me in the eye. “Then I realized I was being an ass so I came back.”
“You did?”
He nodded and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “I saw you walking in the house with that guy so I parked outside and tried to call you. It kept going to voicemail.” He looked hurt as he thought back on it.
“I left my phone at Kim’s.”
“Well, it pissed me off again but I waited and when the guy left a few minutes later, I should have come to the door. But I didn’t. I just sat out there, trying to talk myself into going to the door.” He shook his head and another tear escaped from his eye. “If I hadn’t waited so long in my damn car, this wouldn’t have happened. You would have been safe.”
I took a deep breath, trying to decide how to say what I needed to say.
“I’ve never been safe here.” I spoke softly but the room went quiet around me. “I’ve always known it would be him or me at some point. As awful as this sounds, I’ve never felt more safe than I do right now. He’s finally gone. We can live. We’re finally free.”
Chapter Fourteen
Next Fresh Start
Billy and I missed school the following week. Everything was still too fresh to face outsiders. Logan brought Kim by the house to check on me afterschool on Wednesday but I’d been avoiding most other people. I did feel a small amount of guilt over Jesse’s death but not for the right reasons.
I wanted to feel bad for killing him. I tried to reason that if he was in prison, at least the kids could still visit him and have a father. But as I watched them laughing and playing with an electric keyboard, something Jesse would never let them do because it was too loud, I realized it had to be this way. The only way any of us could truly escape him was to know that he was dead and never coming back.
A social worker had been by to check on us and she tried to get me to talk about what happened. I know she was looking for sadness or remorse but I just didn’t have any. I only had relief. And hope. That was something I hadn’t dared give in to since we moved in with Jesse but now it seemed so natural. I had hopes for Billy to grow up healthy and strong. Hopes for Macy to keep her sweet smile and precocious attitude. And hopes for Mom to see she was worth something. That she could make a life for herself and her family without a man beating the shit out of her every day. And, of course, hopes for Logan and I. I didn’t know what would come next for us but he didn’t run and promised that he never would. Only time would tell on that front.
The memorial service was on December seventh and we were all back to our normal lives on December ninth. All of us except Mom. Apparently the near rape of her daughter and shooting death of her husband was a wakeup call for her. Go figure.
The first customer that showed up at our door after the police cleared out was handed Jesse’s “work” bag with everything in it. She officially closed shop and gave notice to the landlord.
She didn’t have much of a plan but I was so proud of her for making a positive change that I didn’t care. If we ended up in a women’s shelter for a few months, I would have been okay with that.
Marilyn offered to let us stay in the RV
she kept parked on her property but Mom declined. Thankfully.
The unofficial plan was to move in with my aunt for a few months until Mom could save up some of the social security payments she’d receive for herself and the kids. It wasn’t a lot of money but it would be enough for a small apartment. We would have gone to live with my grandparents but Mom was trying not to run home to them this time. That was a huge step for her. She even signed up for accounting classes that she’d always talked about taking.
Other than to respond to Billy when he asked a question about his dad, Mom never spoke of Jesse after he was gone. It was like she’d moved on years before he died and didn’t even need to mourn. Some probably thought it was callous of her to be cheery so soon after her husband’s death but I understood it. She was a brand new woman with a new lease on life. A life she had previously given up on.
~**~
When I finally went back to school, I expected to be surrounded by kids that wanted all the gory details. I was pleasantly surprised to find most people either didn’t know or didn’t care about what happened. With the exception of my closest friends, no one even noticed I missed a week of school.
Kim was the first to see me as I approached my locker. “You’re here! I’m so glad you came back.”
“Of course, I came back.” I gave her a hug. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing important.” She dragged me to my locker and waited while I sifted through my books. “Does Logan know you’re back?”
I shook my head and looked around the quad. “I didn’t tell him because I wasn’t sure if Mom would be okay this morning. Have you seen him yet?”
“I saw him pull in with Randy a few minutes ago.”
Just as she said that, Logan appeared at the other end of the corridor. Surprise then relief was apparent on his face as he strode to me. I went straight into his arms. His strong embrace always felt like home.
Logan buried his head in my neck and nuzzled. “God, I’ve missed you.”
I looked him in the eye and smiled. “I missed you too.”
Safer Outside (A Mature YA Romance) (The Outside Series) Page 13
