by Shey Stahl
“What are you guys talking about?” Casten asked, sitting on his mom’s lap. She pressed her head to his back cuddling him.
Sway took it upon herself to announce. “Hayden thought your vagina stays the same size as it was when the baby comes out.”
Casten looked at me and then his mom, frightened. “Does it?”
“What the fuck, Sway?”
“Oh, Hayden,” Sway said, rubbing my head. “Nothing in this family is ever safe.”
“Where is Casten?” Jameson asked me, like I should know.
I probably should. I was in his hotel room early this morning but got hungry and headed down to the lobby to find food. Today was the first day of the Chili Bowl Midget Nationals, I was a day over my due date and angry about that. If anyone was going to stay pregnant longer than necessary, it’d be me.
I was so angry about it I started eating everything in sight. Comforting in a way, but fuck was I as big as a house already.
Jameson forced me to go get Casten so we could be at the Tulsa Expedition Center by ten.
Casten was sleeping when I got in there, or at least I thought he was so I tried to help by getting his clothes in his bag. The rest of his gear was strung out all over the place in one central location. I swore he didn’t know how to pick up anything. Little bastard was not fun to live with. However, he was better than Adam and so much better looking.
I had just gotten most of his stuff together when I noticed he moved, his legs shifting under the covers as he groaned.
Did he know I was in here?
Maybe not.
I peeked my head up just slightly, enough so I could see his hand moving below the blankets further south past his waist.
Holy shit.
I was invading on his privacy, right? I should leave?
I couldn’t move though. It was so goddamn erotic, and my hormones were all over the place to begin with, so I stayed.
With each stroke, his eyes closed, squinted and then his brow scrunched as he worked his hand up and down.
It was the hottest goddamn thing I’d ever seen. Even more than the sex with his helmet on.
Then, I moved toward him, crawling on all fours to peek over the side for a better view when he scared the shit out of me. “Are you gonna help me out or what?”
Jesus!
I nearly jumped through the roof.
I had no words but I had never flew at anyone like that. It was if I was a jungle monkey. I don’t even remember removing my shorts and t-shirt.
On all fours, belly hanging down over him I was poised and ready ripping the covers away. He was hard, laughing, and his strong hands were already guiding me down on him. His left hand was on the back of my neck, pulling my kiss to his, his other gripping my hips and rolling me the way he wanted.
“Did you enjoy that, pretty girl?” he asked, never leaving my lips.
“Oh. Fucking. Yeah.”
I think I’ve said this before and if I haven’t, I’m saying it now. Pregnant sex is amazing. Once I got over the fact that my belly was huge, it became incredibly erotic and the way Casten was so gentle with me made me realize what exactly I was missing and loved about being with him.
Before, I fucked just because I wanted to be close to someone and forget that I didn’t have a lot of love growing up. Family issues, I guess.
Then I got pregnant and fell for an engine builder. Sex suddenly had meaning. A sense of belonging and more than just the physical contact.
Everything Casten did made me feel special.
Planting a wet kiss on my shoulder, he moved inside of me, worshiping and loving in the ways only he does. Just as I was about to explode, he would pull back and smile, leaving me on the edge.
“Stop doing that,” I said after the fourth time, ready to punch him.
“Pretty girl …” he drawled out, pushing inside of me again and again. Leaning forward as much as he could, he kissed along my collarbone. “If I stop, and then go again, I’m only testing your torque, remember?”
He’s referring to his frequent engine terms and the time he explained what the dynamometer does.
“We don’t have time for that. Just fuck me.”
He gazed down at me and his hand traveled down my inner thigh that was spread out before him. I turned away, nervous when he looked at me like that, but he wouldn’t allow it. “Don’t turn away,” he told me, turning my gaze back to his. “I love the way you look … it’s a beautiful thing.”
When I first told Casten I was pregnant, it came as a complete surprise for the both of us. I think I struggled more than he did, mainly because he could drink and claimed he did his best thinking while drunk, and I couldn’t.
While drinking, he came to the conclusion that this baby, our mistake, had led to a beautiful thing and was worth it. I agreed we were worth it, and these last nine months had been amazing.
It didn’t stop the fact that I still had some moments when I wasn’t so sure. Like now. I was huge, laid out before him and when I looked down, all I saw was my belly in the way and felt my double chin.
There’s moments I have when I feel like there’s going to be a dam that opens. One that releases all this anxiety and fear I have about this.
I’m afraid of so many things and times like this, being vulnerable, him above me, watching me, it’s when it’s the strongest for me.
Casten moved, lying us both on our sides with him behind me and then angled my legs to enter me, one hand on my right hip, the other with a firm grasp in my hair. I loved this position, I could feel his heart beating against my back and his hot heavy breath on my neck.
It started out slow and torturous again when I think he realized I couldn’t take it any longer. His right hand that was on my hip moved between my legs and finally pushed me over the edge.
I felt his movements speed and then the gentle little grunt he let out as his body trembled against mine when he came.
As he laid there, breathing heavy and wrapped around me, he noticed my tears.
He shifted, not letting go of me but moving me so he could see my face. Curled on our sides he pulled the blanket up over our heads as if we were in the fuck fort again.
“What’s wrong, pretty girl?” he asked, trying to hide the sadness in his own eyes. He hated it when I cried. “Why are you sad?”
Using the corner of the pillow case I wiped my tears away. The ones I missed, Casten wiped away with his thumb.
I nod, my sobs easing. “Just scared. I want this baby out of me and I’m afraid once I have it, you might look at me differently. I know your mom said my vagina will go back down but it’s a valid fear to have.”
He started laughing at me. Casten knew damn well my concerns regarding having a baby, and how we would deal with it together were creating a distance between us. I was nervous. He knew that and by me telling him I was concerned about my vagina size, he knew it had more to do with my issues. He gets me in ways I don’t understand.
Casten shook his head. “You’re going to do fine. This baby will come when it’s good and ready. Don’t rush it.” I frowned at his response and he sighed. “It’s natural to be scared. I’m scared, too.” He winked. “We’ll be just fine.”
“How can you be so sure of yourself all the time?”
He rolled his eyes and leaned back to roll onto his back staring at the ceiling. “I’m not sure about everything. I’m about to race four nights straight in a race both my brother and dad have won at my age,” he swallowed and then closed his eyes. “That’s heavy.”
“You’re scared?”
He snorted and then turned his head to look at me, scrutinizing me closely, his eyes anxious. Then he nodded slowly. “I didn’t think I would be. But I am.”
Resting my head back on the pillow, I tucked my hands under my cheek enjoying his hand that’s now rubbing my belly softly. “I’m scared to race, I’m scared to be a dad, and I’m scared that I won’t be what you need. There’s a lot of shit I’m scared of …” he paused, w
inking and then rolled to kiss my lips gently. Then he pulled back, his lips about an inch from mine and shook his head, as if he didn’t have the answer. “I never know if anything is going to be okay. Ryder once told me he just knows how to go fast and turn left. I think that goes for anything in life. You know how to go fast and turn left. Sometimes right might be the answer, but you go with what your gut tells you.”
Casten is very much like his father whether people want to believe it or not. There’s a deeper meaning to the men in his family and their way of thinking. They say and do things that may not make sense to others, but it’s the difference between them and everyone else that makes them some of the most magnificent and magical men I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Flag Man – The person standing at or above the start/finish line who signals the drivers with a series of flags.
I got a lot of advice that morning of the final race at Chili Bowl Nationals. I’d battled for three nights straight and now here I was getting ready for the final night in the Chili Bowl.
Was I scared?
You bet I was. Scared to the point I couldn’t even eat the night before the race.
“You’re running hot laps, Casten.” Dad said, running his hand over the side of my car and the number four I was sporting in honor of Ryder. “You’ve got the speed. You’ve tested the lines. At some point you gotta move onto time trials and see how well you stack up against the pack.”
He wasn’t just talking about the race. He was talking about me. My life and where it was heading.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him watching Hayden and my mom as they sat with my grandma in the hauler, all laughing.
“There’s a lot we take for granted in this world, Casten. I know how smart you are. I know you’ve got your head on your shoulders and it’s all good fun. Most people would be better off having an attitude more like yours,” he mused, his own private memories seemed to flash in his eyes. “But I bet you can’t tell me what it’s like to have to fight to get from paycheck to paycheck like Hayden does. You’ve never had to and probably never will. You know what it’s like to have sex, yeah, but have you ever made love to a woman? Have you ever felt so close to a woman you feel her heart beating in your chest?” He glanced up at me for some sort of reaction. I didn’t have one because he was absolutely right.
That seemed to sadden my dad.
He knew I didn’t need a lecture but if you ever truly listen to my dad, which I seldom did, he told you straight up if you were fucking up. He got that from Grandpa Jimi.
“Once you’re a father,” he looked to Arie who was standing with Easton and Axel, and smiled, “you’re life takes on a different meaning.”
My eyes went to Hayden again wearing a sweatshirt my Aunt Emma had made up that said: In loving memory of Ryder Christensen.
He was the reason I wanted to race here. This was his favorite race of the year because it was a race where he was finally able to race with his friends like Justin and my dad.
Now here I was in a replica car of Ryder’s that he ran here, running the same number for Ryder, and racing in his honor.
Dad turned to me again, his eyes almost misty. “You’re doing a good thing here, buddy. He’d be proud of you. I’m proud of you.”
Dad was never shy to give you chops when you needed them. When he did, you knew you earned it though. I knew that much.
“You’re the same age I was when I raced this for the first time.” He mused, watching the crowd gather around my brother signing autographs in front of us with Jack on his shoulders.
“But you won it,” I said. “It’s not my goal to win, but just to finish and say I finished.”
He smiled. “That’s a good plan to have. When you least expect it, a race can swing your way when you go into it with an attitude like that.”
In a lot of ways, that statement held about as much meaning as Ryder’s theory of going fast and turning left.
The next to talk to me was my mom.
My mom didn’t say much, I think she was too nervous. She kissed my cheek. “Sometimes I think no one will ever truly appreciate the depth of you and what you bring to our lives.”
It was an emotional moment for her as she held me, her mama’s boy, and wished me luck.
Then my grandma found me. I was happy she made the trip with us because if I was doing this, I wanted my family with me. All of them.
“Tell me a story,” I said putting my arm around her as we sat alone in the hauler.
“Okay. I’ll tell you about Jameson leaving home.”
“Why that one?”
She winked at me. “Because it’s something you’ll appreciate right now.”
“He didn’t sleep for days before he left. I know it. He couldn’t bear to think he made a bad decision. It was a risk and one a guy like Jameson wouldn’t ordinarily make. Everything he did was carefully planned and thought out.”
“What was it like for you when he left?”
“I was so sad. I cried for says. Suddenly all my kids had left home. I started traveling with Jimi. I had to.” Grandma smiled taking in the sights and sounds of the pits. “Jimi once told Jameson that to understand where you’re going, you need to know where you’ve been. Remember that.”
As my grandma walked away toward Emma and my mom, Hayden walked up to me, complaining about Dave who apparently pissed her off. I think I remember saying this, but Dave was single responsible for a few divorces.
The problem is when he drinks, like now, he gets kind of obnoxious and starts being an ass. He’s got a lot of demons in him but when he drinks he should be pointing the finger at himself. Instead he does it to others.
No one pays him any mind most of the time.
“He vacations in Assholeville,” I said, trying to reason with her. “You know, the place where most men go.”
“Oh, yeah, I know that place,” Hayden laughed. “It’s just outside Douche and west of Cunt City, right?”
“Yep.” I nodded, smiling. “Come here, pretty girl.” I pulled her as close as I could and wrapped my arms around her right about the time they sounded the horn for all the drivers to return to their cars for the start of the A-Main.
I could tell she wanted to cry again. Ordinarily I understood Hayden wasn’t a crier. Unfortunately, hormones controlled her now and she cried nearly every day.
Dropping to my knees in front of her I cradled her belly in my hands. “Listen to me, little baby.” Hayden laughed at me talking to her stomach. “You stay in there for another couple days no matter how much your mommy tries to get you out.”
Part of me was worried she might go into labor when I was racing, given how anxious she was these days.
“Believe me,” Hayden sighed, her hands on my shoulders as I rose up from my knees. “I think this kid has decided to stay.”
“I don’t blame it.” I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “I stayed, too.”
I hoped she caught the meaning behind my words and she did. She always did.
The Chili Bowl Midget Nationals is one, if not the biggest midget event in the United States. I was racing in it with twenty-three other drivers. Some of the best in the world including my dad and brother.
When I pulled onto the track and lined up fifth behind my Dad and brother, it was a strange experience. My first race with my dad was five months ago in Williams Grove. I wasn’t even in the same class with him and never saw him that entire race.
Now I’d been racing side by side against him for the last four days and every time, I learned something from him. There’s different ways of learning how to race. Seat time and research, talking, learning from other drivers. I’ve always been the type of guy to learn by experience. I don’t understand lectures. They bore me. I learn by watching.
When the green flag waved, I wanted to throw up. My hands were shaking so bad I could barely keep the wheel straight let alone keep the car off the concrete walls.
I was running the bottom in one and two, a
nd then on lap five managed to pull even with Tyler down the backstretch.
The battle for fourth was easy and I felt like he just let me pass him on the inside.
The caution flew when a driver out of Australia rolled to a stop on the back stretch. That’s about when my nerves finally calmed and I got into a rhythm.
I was on the outside on the re-start. I got a good jump on the re-start but not as good as Dad who was just a touch faster. On lap twenty I looked to the inside of turn one but lost ground when I slipped up the track.
I was hitting the brim and bouncing off everything, but sooner or later I got past Axel who was clearly having some mechanical problems.
There was no way I was getting past Dad and if you did manage to get past him, he’s a gasser for sure. Part of me hoped like hell he didn’t slow down because there was no way I wanted to pass him without earning it.
Without much warning, Axel apparently figured out what was wrong with his car and passed both my dad and I on the inside.
Lucky bastard. He always had luck on the bottom.
Eventually, though, I ran out of laps but made a top three finish.
To me it seemed the race flew by and then I wondered what it was I was so nervous about. My thoughts seemed silly now.
Axel won, Dad was second, and there I was. You couldn’t have planned that shit if you tried. No one ever thought all three of the Rileys would be in the top three. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I’d finish the race after those first few laps when I was bouncing off everything.
They had the top three finishers pull onto the front stretch and I know this was a picture our family would cherish.
I looked at Dad and his smile said it all as he wrapped his arms around the two of us standing beside him.
Tears welled up in his bright green eyes and his chin shook as he spoke, trying to blink away his tears. He swallowed and then quickly wiped his forearm over his eyes. “I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of you two.”
That got both me and Axel a little teary eyed. We’d never admit it though and thankfully we had our helmets on. Once the reporters got to us, I gave them an interview with my visor closed. Got a laugh out of everyone.
