Red Equinox
By
Douglas Wynne
JournalStone
San Francisco
Copyright © 2015 by Douglas Wynne
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ISBN: 978-1-940161-45-7 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-940161-46-4 (ebook)
JournalStone rev. date: January 16, 2015
Printed in the United States of America
Cover Art & Design: Chuck Killorin
A derivative of “Boston skyline from the Atlantic Ocean” by Willem van Bergen. CC BY-SA 2.0
A derivative of "Octopus vulgaris 02.JPG" by H. Zell. CC BY-SA 3.0
Author Photo: Jen Salt
Edited by: Dr. Michael Collings
For Jennifer
Red Equinox
That time of year thou may’st in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruin’d choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
—Shakespeare, Sonnet 73
There was a demoniac alteration in the sequence of the seasons—the autumn heat lingered fearsomely, and everyone felt that the world and perhaps the universe had passed from the control of known gods or forces to that of gods or forces which were unknown.
—H.P. Lovecraft, “Nyarlathotep”
Chapter 1
Death has a way of calling us home, and when it does we put on our best. Becca Philips hadn’t been to Arkham in years, hadn’t worn a dress in almost as long, and now here she was, stepping off the train and feeling out of place in both.
Water Street looked just the same as it had the last time she’d been here. The same shops struggling to net a few of the North Shore tourist dollars that tended to flow around Arkham before continuing up the coast to Newburyport and Portsmouth.
She took the Garrison Street Bridge on foot. It was a cool day and overcast. The updraft off the river chilled her through, and she pulled her coat tight around her chest, hair flailing in the wind and whipping across her eyes. Gulls wheeled high above, and the last boats of the season trolled the dark water below. Both avoided the stark little island of standing stones upriver from the bridge. Same as it ever was.
The dress was a simple black thing, knee-length with little red roses, and she wondered now why she’d bothered with it. Her usual mode of dress had mostly been inherited from the woman she was here to honor anyway. Catherine Philips, her late grandmother, had only ever worn dresses to university fundraisers, never in the classroom or the field. Thinking of her, Becca longed for her cargo pants and leather jacket—the sort of attire Catherine would have been wearing in some sepia-toned photo taken in front of a pyramid back when her hair had been as dark as Becca’s was now.
From the bridge she could see the white steeple, her destination and another reminder of the dissonance between a life well lived and a proper burial. Catherine had set foot inside churches less often than dresses.
The service was already underway when Becca arrived. She settled quietly into one of the empty pews at the back of the nave and let the sonorous words of the minister wash over her as she searched the sparsely peopled rows for a mane of sun-bleached hair combined with an inherent restlessness of form. Finding him nowhere, she realized she’d dressed up the little bit she was capable of just to highlight his inevitable shabbiness, his disrespect for his own mother—he who would arrive on the back of a Harley in oil-stained jeans if he arrived at all. But of course he hadn’t. He’d blown them both off to the bitter end.
A man in a brown suit stepped out of the shadows of the narthex and sat down beside her. Her heart jumped into her throat for a second, but it wasn’t the grizzled hand of her hard-living father patting her knee, and she found herself looking into the empathetic eyes of her surrogate uncle, Neil Hafner.
She was surprised at how much he had aged since she’d last seen him: his doggish face now even more hound-like in its sagging, his fading freckles framed by thinning pale hair. Becca gave his hand a squeeze and let it go.
The rows in front of them appeared to be mostly occupied by Catherine’s colleagues and students, with the family underrepresented. She spotted her Uncle Alan with Michelle and the girls, but Becca had always been closer to Neil, who was neither family nor faculty and who had always been more of a friend to Catherine than either. They had met in the nineties when the folklore professor needed photographs of bas-reliefs for a book she was writing. Later, when Becca had shown an interest in photography, Catherine had enlisted Neil as a mentor.
He reached into his jacket pocket and produced a small wooden box, hinged and redolent of cedar, which he held above her lap until she took it. Now he was the one scanning the rows and aisles, but somehow she doubted he was looking for her father. He folded his hand over hers just as she was about to pop the lid on the little box, leaned in and whispered, “Not here. And don’t let anyone see. It belonged to Catherine.”
Becca slipped the box into her purse and glanced around the church, trying not to appear too furtive, but all eyes were on the altar. “Who are we keeping it from?”
“The university might make a claim on it if they knew it wasn’t lost, but she wanted you to have it.”
A birdlike man with dandruff on his black suit collar glanced over his shoulder at them from a few rows up and Neil settled back against the hard wood beside her. When the man faced forward again, he whispered, “Tell you later.”
The open coffin lid glowed in the dusty autumnal light, the white silk lining catching the lowering sun through the tall windows. She couldn’t see Catherine’s face from this distance but knew she would need to see it before leaving, before she could even begin to process the reality of her death. It seemed impossible that a personality as bold as her Gran’s could simply be extinguished without a struggle. The woman had been a force of nature: fearing nothing, seeking out the darkest corners of the globe and of the human psyche for her scrutiny.
Becca believed it was that intrepid spirit that had caused her students and children to fear her. But Catherine had softened with age and had never demanded as much of Becca as she had of her own children, all of whom had fled from her sphere as soon as they could. Becca had come to believe that given a second chance at parenting, Catherine had deliberately chosen a different approach. Or maybe the woman had felt to some degree responsible for the circumstances that had landed Becca in her care.
Despite the years they had spent together in the house on Crane Street, there were still sleeping tigers they had never dared disturb, and now Becca had to find a way to accept that they never would.
The service ended as she brooded and she felt a little jolt at the realization that the front rows were now rising and lining up to approach the casket. Becca numbly found her feet and wondered if she would cry when she saw the embalmed body. She hoped she would. She’d been ruminating on the loss in an effort to break down some intangible barrier in her own heart, b
ut the tears remained stubbornly frozen by the dream-like distance the roomful of strangers, formal clothes, and ill-fitting religious trappings imposed upon the primal loss of the woman who had raised her.
Maybe the increased dosage of Zoloft that her therapist had put her on to gird her against the fading light and impending threat of winter was keeping grief at arm’s length. Maybe it was the past two years away, years in which she had finally left Arkham without looking back and had immersed herself in her art and the city and ill-chosen men. She should have called more often, should have visited, should have been less self-absorbed, knowing that she was the last in a long line to abandon Dr. Catherine Philips.
Her children don’t see it that way. You know the narrative. She drove her husband to the asylum, her daughter-in-law to suicide, and the rest of the family to mass exodus. She and the dark things she couldn’t stop poking and prodding.
When Becca’s turn came, she knelt and looked down at the body that somehow was and was not her grandmother, and wondered if the stroke had delivered that which a lifetime of inquiry had not: knowledge of the other side.
* * *
The tears finally came at the graveside. Something about the smell of wet grass from the morning rain and the mound of clodded earth beneath the tarp made it possible for her to feel in a way that had eluded her within the dark wood confines of the church.
They had given her a rose to place on the coffin, and she watched the petals fracture into red shards through the water in her eyes. Neil, beside her, handed her a handkerchief, and wiping her nose she found an odd comfort in this evidence that she could still feel what you were supposed to at a funeral, despite her efforts to protect herself from feeling too much.
As Neil led her back to the car with a pair of ladies he had promised a ride to the campus, she let her eyes linger on the tree line, but her father still wasn’t there, wasn’t leaning on his bike and watching from a distance because no distance from his mother, not even in death, would ever be safe enough. She regretted dressing up; it felt weird to be carrying a purse instead of a camera bag, and now all she wanted to do was get home and out of the dress and the scratchy black hose.
Neil appeared beside her and patted her shoulder to draw her distant gaze back to him. “You’re not alone in this,” he said. “You might expect a death in the family to change people or bring them around, but…. If you’ll let me give you one last photo lesson: it’s the shadows that define things. Okay, two last lessons: sometimes you have to alter the focus to see what’s right in front of you. Right? Promise me you’ll call me if you need to talk.”
Becca said she would. It wasn’t until after he’d dropped her at the station on his way to the university and the train was pulling out that she remembered the cedar box.
She wondered if he’d set it up that way, offering the ladies a ride so that she couldn’t react to the contents of the box, couldn’t ask questions he didn’t have answers to, or questions he didn’t want to answer—like, is this a family heirloom or a stolen antiquity?
Becca hadn’t seen the object for many years, had forgotten all about it. But now, seeing it again, she remembered.
* * *
“What’s a myth, Gran?”
“It’s a kind of story. Like a fairy tale.”
“Why not just call it a story then?”
“Well…a myth is a special sort of story. A story that endures and explains the world.”
“Indoors?”
“Endures. It lasts a long time. So long that people eventually forget it was made up. They begin to believe it was first told by a god, when in fact it had probably been a shaman.”
Becca knew about shamans. She had seen pictures of them in Gran’s crazy books. Bones through the nose and death in their eyes. “Where does a shaman get the story from?”
“That’s a good question. One I’ve spilled a lot of ink on. Some of them climb trees to the stars.” Gran’s smile told Becca that she was being challenged to question this.
“Where else?”
“Some go to the underworld. And some might find a myth hiding behind ordinary things, using them as masks: animals and insects, lightning and hail…. Anything in the world can be the seed of a story if you plant it deep enough.”
“Tell me one. Make me a myth, Gran.”
The bedroom was dark except for the muted gold glow of the nightlight. They had finished one book but hadn’t started another yet and didn’t need the bedside lamp to read by. Becca liked the spaces between bedtime books, the times when they just talked and mused while her eyes grew heavy. “Make me a myth about something in this room.”
Gran sighed and smiled. She searched the shadow-drenched corners for inspiration, ran her hand over the comforter, and then produced a golden scarab beetle pendant from the neckline of her cotton nightgown. The metal glowed in the dark as she turned it on its chain, and Becca felt almost hypnotized by its beauty.
“Once upon a time in Egypt, there came a black pharaoh on the wings of a sandstorm out of the desolate wastes.”
Chapter 2
Something had moved in the room. The scarab beetle pendant swung from side to side like a pendulum from the chain draped over the mirror where Becca had hung it before falling asleep. Just the slightest motion, as if the tail of a cat leaping out of bed had struck it. But Becca didn’t live with a cat anymore, not since Josh had moved out, taking Ftang with him. And yet, as her sleep-heavy eyes blinked and focused on the golden shine of the thing, it swung, and she thought of her grandmother swinging a pendulum once, a ring on a string, to answer a question yes or no, and she’d almost fallen asleep again when the explanation came to her: she must have brushed it with her arm while rolling over, or jostled the peach crate which served as a bookshelf and nightstand with her elbow. The recently dreaming part of her mind told her that the beetle had opened its shell for a second and fluttered its metallic wings; that it had stirred at first light. But that was nonsense.
She untangled her body from the sheets and touched the scarab. Her finger found the bezel where the gem was missing between the pinchers and probed the hole like a tongue exploring a cavity where a filling had come loose. She wondered what kind of stone it had been. Diamond? Ruby? Emerald? Her memory of the thing from the few times she’d seen it on Catherine was dim. The bezel looked a little too big to have held a diamond.
The shapes of her room were slowly coming into focus now, softly delineated by the watery gray light of an overcast September morning. There were still days in September when she would awaken to a blaze of stark light and shadow, but not this one. Even with all of the windows that came with a warehouse loft, and even as late as 9 AM, the effect on a gloomy day was of shapes emerging from murk, her furniture appearing like the mossy, barnacle-encrusted features of a shipwreck at five-hundred fathoms.
Becca stared at the high ceiling and pondered the meaning of the missing stone. Scarabs were dung beetles. They pushed balls of shit through the sand. But she remembered Gran taking her to the Boston MFA when she was a girl, remembered seeing paintings and carvings depicting the beetle pushing the solar disc. She wished a beetle would push the sun out of the clouds today so she could think right. It was hard enough getting out of bed on a good day, but without the vitamin D, without the light, without someone to push her out of bed anymore…everything was harder. And yet she knew she had to do it, had to get up and get dressed and push her own ball of shit through the day. Her army bag, leather jacket, and boots beckoned. Her urban uniform. Get up, soldier, you can do it. She swept the sheets aside and rolled out of bed.
Everything was harder this time of year when the light was dying, when the year was dying, when she was reminded of her mother dying, and now Gran had gone and laid a new painful association on the cycle by also dying in the fall. It was a season of death, even had a holiday to acknowledge the fact. Only rather than lighting fires against the shadows on All Hallows Eve, her culture warded off depression with sugar. Nowhere near as eff
ective as the Lamictal and Zoloft she was now washing down with a warm glass of water from the tap, standing in her underwear and a black tank top and gazing out at the tin-type print of a day that lay stretched out wet below her through the warped glass.
Rent was cheap at the edges of the flood zones, and the view could be oddly beautiful in a semi-apocalyptic sort of way. On recent afternoons when the autumn sun slanted down and sliced the limpid surface of the shallow water at the base of the building, casting undulating lattices of light over the bricks, sine waves of amber fire, she could almost feel blessed to be alive in such a time. But today there was none of that. Only a stew of fallen leaves and plastic bottles floating on black water. Boston was a city built on marshland, raised up on fill less than three centuries ago. The Back Bay neighborhood had actually been a bay not that long ago, and now it was going that way again. The people on TV were finally admitting that this was no temporary state of affairs. Glacial melt and Hurricane Sonia had reminded Boston of her true level, her humble origins beneath the water line, and that dirty water was here to stay.
She picked her phone off of the kitchen counter, checked the time on it, then carried it back to bed, setting it down on the crate beside the paper square she’d fallen asleep pondering: the note from her grandmother which had lain underneath the beetle in the fragrant box.
Looking at the scarab, she let her hand fumble over the detritus atop the crate (a stack of paperbacks and dusty photo magazines partially obstructing an antique brass-framed mirror, a couple of prescription bottles, and a nest of worn-out hair elastics) and plucked up the paper square. It was a simple, yet elegant missive, only about the size of a Post-it note, but inked in Catherine’s handwriting on heavy cream-colored stock with a linen texture. Becca felt a desperate sadness claw unexpectedly at her heart as she noticed now on closer inspection how the carefully inscribed lines wavered ever so slightly, betraying a tremor in the woman’s hands. The note read: May Kephra, guardian and guide, light your way in dark places.
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