I snapped my arms back to my sides. My whole body began to shake with fear. As I slowly moved forward, my toe met with something hard. I raised a trembling hand forward and felt around, finally locating a doorknob.
It made no sense.
I turned the knob and pushed the door open. But I only found The Void again. And again. And again.
“Tess!” A girl’s scream made me jump.
I paused, waiting to see if I would hear it again. It was only a matter of seconds before I did. I knew that scream. It was the same little girl who called for our mother for days after she killed herself.
“Louisa!” I yelled back.
“Help me! Please, help me!” she screamed.
“Where are you?” I called out, turning around and around in the room. My eyes were unable to find even the tiniest bit of light. My heart was pounding. I had to find her. I could save her now—I wouldn’t abandon her. Not again. Not ever, ever again.
A long, painful shriek cut through the air.
“Louisa!”
No matter how many times I yelled out for her, she never returned my call.
…
The piano. How could I have forgotten about the piano? The musical instrument that had changed every single aspect of my life. It was funny to think that such an insignificant object could hold such power.
My first moments with James were in this room. He could have turned me in for playing the forbidden instrument, losing myself in the song my father had taught me. My father had given me so much without my knowing it at the time. It was only after reading his letters that I understood how much we were alike.
I wondered if my father knew about the community. Would he have liked living here?
The community.
Wait.
How was this room here in the community?
The door to the piano room opened behind me. I spun around, afraid that whoever was coming through that door wouldn’t be as lenient as James had been. But even though the door stood open, no one was there. I frowned and turned back to face the piano.
My father was sitting on the bench. He looked up at me and smiled. “Come and play with me.”
My feet moved of their own accord. My body was always controlled by music. It made its way inside me and worked into my veins, pulling the blood wherever it so chose, and I never minded it. I always wanted to lose myself in the notes—the only trait I had inherited from my mother.
As I sat down on the bench, my father winked good-naturedly and began to play. My hands moved to the keys and followed his. They would always remember these movements. It was the song of my family, my people. My eyes glazed over as they moved across the keys. The light and the dark blurred into one.
Nothing definable.
Life itself.
Despite the almost melancholic tone of the song, playing with my father felt like a game. With every key I pressed, I slipped into a memory of him and me—those moments where he taught me how to read and play music—and I saw those instances for what they were now. He was preparing me. Every word I read and memorized, every key that my hands touched, was strength.
He had been giving me strength.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I was happy. Supremely and utterly happy. I was so lost in the music that it took me a while to realize my father had stopped playing, but when I did, my hands stilled. I turned my head to see my father staring straight ahead.
“Tess,” he warned.
I looked around the room. We were no longer alone. The chosen ones from my other life were back, were coming to take my father away. “No!” I yelled. I couldn’t let them take him again. They would never give him back. The letters weren’t enough.
I wanted my family.
My father turned to me, his eyes already showing our defeat. He placed a hand on my cheek. “I can’t save you, Tess,” he said quietly.
Suddenly two hands appeared around his neck. With a sickening snap, my father’s head fell forward. I twisted around and came face to face with George.
“I’ll find you,” he whispered, a smile slowing spreading across his face.
“I’m sorry. There’s nothing else I can do.”
“Bullshit. Give her the medicine,” a boy yelled.
“The leaders would never allow it. Besides, I’m not sure if we even have anything that would help her,” the woman replied.
“The leaders wouldn’t allow it? Isn’t she your great hope? Your people’s salvation?” the boy charged. His voice was so bitter, so hurt. Lost.
“She’s not what they expected,” another male’s voice said quietly. It wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar voice, but one I felt like I hadn’t heard in a while.
“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?” the first boy asked.
“It means she isn’t like Sharon. She won’t just…”
Sharon?
The voices became muffled, melting into one another.
“Tess.”
There was only one person who said my name like that… I managed to open my eyes, squinting from the light of the room. I hurt. My whole damn body was sore. A ragged cough rattled my chest. My throat felt like I had swallowed glass.
“She’s awake!” the beautiful boy called out.
I knew that voice. It wasn’t possible.
I needed to touch the boy, the one who owned the voice that spoke to me like no other had ever done before or since. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t lift my arm. It was as if someone had replaced my blood with cement. All I could do was uncurl my hand, which had been clenched in a fist. I cried out at the wave of pain that rushed through me as I stretched out my fingers toward him.
I was locked in some sort of prison, and I wondered if there was even a way to escape it. I needed to reach him. He always seemed so unreachable.
“Are you sure about this?” someone asked the boy.
A wordless exchange took place between the two people. A nod. A handshake. Someone knelt down to me and placed his hand against the inside of my arm. The coldness of his touch burned through me like every pore in my body was infected, decaying. I screamed in agony.
“We need to hurry. This is what I saw. She doesn’t have much time left. Please, Robert,” the boy begged.
James. It had to be him. He was gifted with visions.
“I’ll need to be the one to do it. Things are already bad enough, and if this doesn’t go well…”
Robert. Could James really be talking to Robert?
“I don’t give a damn what they do to me. If she dies—”
Was I dying?
I felt a sharp, piercing pain in my arm, and my eyes began to feel heavy again. The burning sensation that ran across my limbs, invading my very pores, lessened. It was replaced with a strange prickly sensation.
“Don’t you die on me, Tess,” my boy commanded.
My mouth refused to open.
The darkness that had been hunting me for so long had finally caught me.
Chapter 18
My limbs were stiff, my chest hurt from days of coughing, and the bedsheets stuck to me in a mixture of sweat and God knows what else. But I was alive.
“I hope you’re feeling better than you look,” a voice said from above.
I lifted my head to find Lockwood smiling down at me. While it was difficult, I was happy to find that I could match his smile. “I guess that cold was worse than I thought,” I joked.
Lockwood sat down next to me, the cot groaning as if it would break any second. “Not very funny, Tess. I should kick your ass for letting it get so bad.”
I heaved my body up so that I was sitting on my elbows. “I think the fever pretty much took care of all the ass-kicking I’ll deserve for a lifetime.”
Lockwood rolled his eyes. “Knowing you, somehow I think you’ll be due for a few more.”
“May I come in?”
Henry. My smile got bigger. I didn’t try to hide how elated I was to see him. I could have left him without ever fixing what
was broken between us. If there was one thing I should have learned from losing so many people, it was that time stopped for no one. Good-byes were messy. There were so many things I would regret not saying to the people I lost, but that didn’t have to be the theme of my whole life.
Henry didn’t wait for an invitation. He busted into the room and threw his arms around me, nearly knocking Lockwood off the bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed him in.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered in his ear.
“I’m sorry, too,” he whispered back, giving me a squeeze for good measure.
Henry pulled away and sat next to me, opposite of Lockwood. “You scared the hell out of us.”
I took Henry’s hand in mine. “How bad was it?”
“We were picking straws to see who would have to bury you,” Lockwood replied dryly.
“And who was the lucky one?” I asked with a laugh.
“Not funny,” Henry said, suddenly serious.
I gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m here. You don’t have to worry anymore.”
It was only then that I really looked at him. He appeared haggard. “How long was I out of it?”
“A week,” said Lockwood.
“Longest week of my life,” added Henry, who was staring past me, seeing some possible future that was much more dismal than the one we were currently living in.
“A week?” I asked in disbelief. “The last thing I remember was…my mother.”
“Do you remember pushing me? Pretty rude, I must say,” said Lockwood.
“I guess she wasn’t really there, was she?” I replied, choosing to ignore Lockwood’s smart remark.
“No, Tess. She wasn’t,” Henry replied.
That meant that none of it was real. Emma. My father. Louisa. My mother. James. I hadn’t seen any of them. It was difficult to say how I felt about that realization. Part of me was glad that none of those nightmares were real, that they were just fever-induced images. But the other part of me wished they were, because no matter how distorted they had been, it meant I could have my family back. Even if only for a little while.
It also meant that my dreams of James were just that—dreams. I swallowed down the mixture of emptiness and anger that wanted to rise up from me and furiously blinked away the tears that burned my eyes. My damn treasonous body. It was like I was back in those woods where McNair and the others had forced me to say good-bye to James because they wouldn’t let him come with us.
“I think it’s time you boys let Tess get some rest,” said Sharon, who stood in the doorway.
I sighed. “I think I’ve gotten enough rest. Apparently, I’ve been resting all week.”
“I would hardly call what you’ve been through resting,” she replied, moving into the room.
I didn’t want Henry or Lockwood to leave, because I didn’t want to close my eyes. I couldn’t bear going back to that dream world, only to wake and find that none of it was real.
“She’s right. Let’s go, Lock,” Henry said, pulling his hand from mine as he stood up.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Lock? We’re using nicknames now?”
“What can we say? Something about watching a friend almost die can bring people together,” Lockwood said with a lazy shrug.
“Where’s Robert?” I asked, hoping he was waiting outside of the room. I could use another distraction.
“Busy. He’ll stop by when he can,” Henry replied quickly. Too quickly.
My smile disappeared.
Lockwood wouldn’t meet my gaze, and I knew something was wrong. There was only one other instance when Lockwood couldn’t look at me and that was when he was hiding something. It reminded me of the time I had asked him about Sharon’s role in the community, and he had shut right up.
“Is everything all right?”
“Of course it is,” Henry replied casually. “Now that you’re better, everything is perfect.”
“Lockwood?” I asked.
He nodded but said nothing.
“All right, you two can see her in the morning,” Sharon said, ushering the boys out of the room.
…
Someone was in my room. Despite the pitch-blackness, I could just sense it. I froze, hoping that if I could slow my breathing, I might be able to locate the intruder.
A light flared up near the door, illuminating Henry’s face. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Did I scare you?” he asked.
“No, I’m used to boys sneaking up on me while I sleep,” I said.
Henry laughed and walked over to me. “Sorry, I just had to make sure you were still breathing.”
“Well, I can’t exactly be mad at you for that. Can I?”
“You’ve been mad at me for less.”
“And yet here you are?” I said with a grin.
“Here I am,” he replied quietly. “Is it all right that I’m here?”
I hesitated before answering, then cleared my throat. “I want you here. It’s just that I’m not entirely sure I won’t hurt you. I’m not whole yet, Henry.”
I braced myself for his departure, but instead he shrugged, a lazy, sheepish smile on his lips. “I don’t think I’m entirely whole yet, either. The council broke us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be fixed. I truly believe we can fix each other.”
“Can we?” I asked, noting how hopeful my voice sounded.
“Yes. I know we can. I know I’m an ass almost every moment of every day, but I can be different. I want to be different. There are moments that I’m with you and everything just stops. I mean it. The whole world and every terrible thing in it just disappears. And I look at you, and I think, this is why we were put here. To feel this.”
Henry’s cheeks were bright red, and he nervously scratched the back of his head. A weighty silence separated us, and I couldn’t stand it for a second longer. I scooted over to the far side of the cot and pulled down the blanket. Henry didn’t need to be told twice. He lay down next to me. Without wasting a moment, he pulled me into his arms. I didn’t fight it.
“I saw them all,” I said to him through the darkness.
“Who?”
“Emma, my father, mother, Louisa…James.”
Henry’s arms tightened around me.
“Should I not talk about it?” I asked.
“You can talk about anything to me.”
I didn’t fight the tears then. “God, I miss them. And just for a moment, no matter how messed up it all was, I was glad they were back. Even her. I thought I saw my mother, Henry. And when I did, I didn’t care about what she put us through. I was so desperate to get to her.”
Henry reached up and wiped away my tears with his thumb. “I understand.”
I nodded, the tears still falling. “I know you do. And I know you think I’m crazy, but the moment I’m feeling better, I need to go back for Louisa. I have to save her. God, if anyone understands, it’s you. Sometimes, it just feels so unfair, and I get so angry. I know I haven’t been myself—”
“That’s just it. When you were sick, I started to understand. You came here and for the first time, you felt like you could be you. I get that. I was just afraid that you wouldn’t—”
“I’ll always need you,” I interrupted.
“Promise?”
“Promise.” I took a shaky breath.
“Damn it, Tess, I want to kiss you. Is that bad?” he asked.
Was it? I remembered my dream about Henry and James. I knew that none of it was real, but it still came to me as I felt him lean closer. I found myself shaking my head.
“I’m sorry,” Henry said, pulling away.
I reached forward and grabbed him by the shirt. He stopped moving. “Will you just let me answer the question?” I took a deep breath. “When I say I’m going to save Louisa, I know there is a possibility I won’t make it back. But I have to try. I can’t keep losing everyone I love. So it’s worth the risk. Before, when we kissed, I thought maybe it was bad to have feelings for you. I was confused…I still a
m. But it’s not wrong to live life. Because if it is, then what’s the point of all this?”
And then there were the words I didn’t tell him. I had almost died from what Sharon had later told me was influenza, a disease most didn’t die from out here in the woods. But being a compound child, my body’s immune system wasn’t as strong.
Death was a real thing, and we had danced together one too many times.
Henry’s mouth crushed down against mine suddenly. I reached my arms forward and wrapped them around his neck, pulling his body to me. He shifted us so I was on my back, then reached down and hiked one of my legs around his waist. I opened my mouth and his tongue met mine.
There was nothing gentle about the way he kissed me. It was urgent and possessive. And I felt right then how easy it would be to lose myself in it.
Henry abruptly pulled away. His face was flushed and his breath ragged. “Tess,” he panted. “I think I need to tell you something.”
I nodded for him to continue, struggling to catch my own breath. I reached up and ran a hand through his hair. Henry stared down at me, shadows from the candles dancing across his face. He wasn’t a chosen one, but he was beautiful, too.
He placed a hand against my cheek. “God damn me,” he muttered before bringing his lips back down on mine.
We must have kissed for hours. He never pushed for it to go further than that, even though I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have been a new experience for him. As we curled up with each other to go to sleep, I pressed his hand against my swollen lips.
For the first time in a long while, I looked forward to what morning brought me.
Chapter 19
“You’re nervous?” Henry asked me, an amused grin plastered on his face.
I brought my hands to my hips and raised an eyebrow. “Why should I be?” I desperately wished that my voice hadn’t hitched at the end of my sentence.
Henry laughed and leaned against the wall, watching me as I moved around the room. He was right, of course. I must have made and remade the bed about ten times before he commented on it. I tucked the sheet in once more before turning around to face him. He stared at me like it was his new favorite hobby. I turned away quickly, trying to smooth down my hair and unwrinkle my dress as much as I could. It was all in vain. I should have known after living so long in the community that cleanliness would never be an option.
Naturals (Lost Souls) Page 15
