by Mark Gimenez
"Dude, you can't just look at a Sudoku for like, ten seconds then fill in the—"
"Like this?"
Norbert handed the puzzle back to Brian. He had filled in the entire grid. Perfectly. Brian wasn't chuckling now. He was frowning again. He stared at the puzzle then up at Norbert.
"Dude—how'd you do that?"
Norbert shrugged. "It is simple."
We left Brian scratching his head and walked down the sidewalk to Jo's where Guillermo called out to me from inside the little green building.
"Yo, dog!"
I waved back.
"Why does he refer to you as a member of the canine species?" Norbert asked.
"Oh, dog, that's just another expression for friend."
"Dude and dog. Odd terminology."
We walked down to the light in front of Blackmail and crossed back over South Congress then walked past Amy's. But Norbert abruptly stopped at the flavor board.
"Let us have ice cream," he said. "I would like white chocolate with sprinkles in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone."
"Nice selection. But I don't have any money."
"I do."
Norbert dug into his pants pocket and pulled out a wad of $100 bills.
"Cha-ching."
"Man, where'd you get all that money?"
"My father. Is this enough for ice cream cones?"
"That's probably enough to buy all the ice cream in the whole place."
We ordered our cones then walked back up Congress past the Japanese restaurant called Zen and the Continental Club where I could hear music and St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store and to the Home Slice pizza place.
"They've got great pizza," I said.
"What is pizza?"
"You've never had pizza either? Norbert, this home schooling isn't good. You gotta get out more. Pizza's only the best food ever invented … except for ice cream … and maybe hot dogs … and cotton candy … and …"
"Then let us eat pizza."
"But we're eating ice cream."
"We have two hands."
"I like the way you think, Norbert."
Norbert bought two slices of pepperoni pizza. We ate pizza with one hand and ice cream with the other. I had never mixed the two, but actually it was a good combination—except it gave Norbert serious gas.
We cut over at the Baptist Church playground and ate all the way past Mrs. Cushing bent over and tending to her flowers—"She has a very nice garden," Norbert said—and down the hill. I was stuffed by the time we got back home. But I almost threw it all up when we cleared the hedgerow and I looked up at my bedroom window.
Maddy was sitting on the window sill.
"Oh, no!"
I had forgotten to close and lock my window. I was supposed to always do that because there was no screen on the window—and because Maddy might do just what she was now doing. Her legs were dangling out the window. If she fell, she would drop twenty feet to the driveway.
"Maddy!"
I shouldn't have called her name. She saw me, and she smiled at me, and she let go of the window, and she waved … and she wobbled … and she screamed with fright … and she …
… fell.
I ran as fast as I could to catch her … but I wasn't fast enough … I wasn't going to make it …
"Maddy!"
… but then … the world suddenly shifted into slow motion again … and Maddy was no longer falling … she was floating … but I didn't slow down … I ran to her and got right under her and held my arms out … and she just gently dropped down into my open arms. Then, just as suddenly, the world returned to normal speed again.
"That was fun!" she screamed. "I'm gonna do that again!"
"No, Maddy! Don't ever do that again!"
She giggled and jumped down and ran inside. I stood there a moment, not sure what to think, then I turned to Norbert. He was still standing where I had left him, licking his ice cream cone.
"I gotta go lock my window," I said, "before she jumps again."
I ran upstairs to my room. I shut and locked the window then looked down at Norbert swinging in his backyard.
How'd I do that?
How'd I do any of the things I had done the last few days?
How'd I send Vic and his gang flying down the sidewalk?
How'd I bend their scooters into pretzels?
How'd I hit that home run?
How'd I catch Maddy?
"Excellent catch," Norbert said, as if catching your little sister falling from a second-story window was an everyday occurrence.
I had joined him on the swing set in his backyard.
"How'd I do that?"
"You ran fast and caught her."
"But how'd I get to her in time?"
I didn't want to mention how the world had slowed down. He might think I was strange. But this was all very strange.
Norbert shrugged. "Adrenaline rush."
"You know, it's kind of odd."
"What is?"
"Every time these crazy things happened—throwing Vic and his gang down the sidewalk, hitting that home run, catching Maddy—you were right there. None of those things ever happened to me before you moved in, now they're happening all the time … but only when you're around."
"Coincidence."
"Oh, no!"
"Max, it could have been a coincidence."
"Dog!"
Norbert smiled, stuck a closed hand out to me for a fist-bump, and said, "Yo, dog."
"No!" I pointed. "Real dog!"
Norbert now looked to where I was pointing. Butch, the backyard neighbor's pit bull, had gotten out. Again. Randy, the neighbor, owned a nightclub on Sixth Street in downtown, but he looked like a bouncer. He had bought Butch a couple of years ago. The last time Butch had escaped and gotten into our backyard, Randy had come over to retrieve him and said, "Don't worry. Butch ain't vicious or nuthin'. He won't bite kids." Mom had stood there with her hands on her hips staring up at Randy; she finally said, "You're dumber than your dog." She was like that—she'd get in your face. She called Animal Control, but they said they couldn't lock Butch up until he bit someone. "The 'one bite rule,' " they said. "That's the law in Texas."
Butch now appeared as if he wanted his one bite. Out of me.
He was crouched ten feet from us. Saliva dripped from his mouth. He was growling like the sound started somewhere in his gut. I was terrified, but Norbert seemed only curious.
"The canine creature?" he said.
"That's no canine creature, Norbert! That's a pit bull! They eat kids like us for breakfast!"
One time Butch had gotten out and into our yard while I was outside and acted like he wanted to bite me. But Dad had come over and stood between us then walked over and grabbed Butch by his collar and dragged him home. But Dad wasn't here to save me. The pit bull snarled and edged closer. I glanced around for an escape path, but there was none.
"Max, are you afraid of this dog?"
"Norbert—that dog can kill us!"
Butch apparently decided at that moment to prove me right. He bared his teeth and ran at me and lunged for my throat, so I ducked my head and covered my face with my arms and screamed "No!" and waited to feel sharp teeth chomping into me but—
—nothing happened.
I peeked out from between my arms. Butch the pit bull hung frozen in midair a foot from my face, close enough for me to smell his foul dog breath. His mouth was open and his teeth sharp, but his face showed his shock and confusion, the same as my face must have been showing right about then. Butch's eyes were wide and darted from side to side frantically. I turned to Norbert. His right index finger was pointing at the pit bull like Mrs. Nelson pointing at a misbehaving student in the cafeteria. He moved his finger further away from me … and the pit bull moved further away from me.
He was holding the pit bull in midair with his finger! From five feet away!
Norbert stood and walked to the back fence with Butch in tow—floating in the air—and dropped the pit
bull on the other side of the fence into the dog run. Butch whimpered and ran inside his doghouse. Norbert returned and sat in the swing. He swung as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
I stared at him.
eight
There are moments in a kid's childhood when life as you know it changes. Some are normal growing-up moments, like when you're finally potty-trained—boy, that was a big milestone for me—and when you start school—that first day without Mom, that was hard on my psyche—and when you get beat up after school by bullies—the first time was really bad. But other moments are not normal at all, like when you come downstairs late at night to get a drink of water and you catch your parents making out on the couch or when your dad deploys to fight a war on the other side of the world or when you discover the kid next door is not human.
"You're an alien."
Norbert was quiet for a long moment, then he said, "Max, can you keep a secret?"
I nodded.
"Yes," he said.
"Yes, you're an alien?"
"Here on your planet."
"I knew it! I knew there were other life forms out there! What planet are you from—Mars, Jupiter, Pluto?"
"Your planets are not our planets. We are from another galaxy."
"Why do you look just like us?"
"I do not. We disguise ourselves to blend in."
"Smart. Humans would freak out if you looked like an alien. Like in Men in Black, the alien looked like a giant cockroach. You don't look like a cockroach, do you?"
"No."
"Good. Is that an Edgar suit?"
"What is an Edgar suit?"
"In that movie, the alien cockroach sucks out this creep's insides—his name is Edgar—and uses his skin like a costume. An Edgar suit."
"Oh. No, it is not an Edgar suit. It is a synthetic suit."
"Looks real. Can I touch it?"
"Yes, you may."
I put my finger lightly on his arm and stroked his skin. But it didn't feel like skin. It felt weird, like thin rubber.
"I never thought you looked like a real human. And you smelled new, not like Maddy when she was born but like a new car."
Norbert nodded. "The human scent is impossible to replicate."
"And you didn't talk like a human … but you said you were from California."
"We watched your movies, to learn human speech patterns, but English is not an easy language to master, particularly here in the South of America—I mean, what is a 'y'all'?"
"It's short for 'you all'."
"But who would say 'you all'?"
"No one. That's why we say 'y'all.' What movies?"
"Lord of the Rings mostly. I must have watched that movie a hundred times. 'Dark of late my dreams have been.' I love that line."
"You can't talk like that in America."
"So I learned in L.A."
"You've got superpowers?"
"Not for us."
"But you can move stuff with your finger?"
"Yes. You call it telekinesis."
"What do you call it?"
"Moving stuff with my finger."
"Oh. So how did you make everything slow down, at the baseball field and with Maddy?"
"We are able to affect the movement of all matter on this planet, at least for a short time."
"Well, that's handy. So what brings you to Earth? Are you on vacation? I want to go to Australia and see the elephants."
"Africa."
"That'd be fun, too. I could see the kangaroos."
"They are in Australia."
"Then why would I go to Africa?"
Norbert shook his head like he was trying to clear his brain then said, "I am on a business trip with my father."
"I thought he worked for the government?"
"He does. For our government."
"What does he do?"
"He is an analyst."
"So what's he analyzing here?"
"Earth and Earthlings."
"What for?"
"Parts and labor."
"Parts? Like spare tires and batteries?"
"Like minerals and water. My father analyzes the natural resources and life forms on other planets to determine if we should acquire them for our parts and labor."
"Acquire? Your government might buy Earth?"
"More like conquer."
I nodded. "Your government wants our iPhones and drones, like the Russians."
Norbert smiled. "No. For us, your technology and weapons are mere novelties. We seek natural resources to supply our society. Like water. Your oceans contain vast quantities of water."
"But you can't drink salt water."
"We can."
"Oh. And what about us?"
"Labor. We enslave the local life forms to operate our equipment to convert the natural resources for our use. In our ancient history, many in our society were workers, but no longer. Now we outsource all our labor requirements. So we use the local work force."
"Enslave? You mean, like, make us your slaves?"
"Cheap labor." He shrugged. "It is the universal economy."
"So you're saying your dad is here to decide whether to take over Earth?"
"His official assignment is to evaluate the natural resources available on Earth and the indigenous life forms and determine if the resources are of sufficient value and the life forms of sufficient intelligence to render them worthy enough to conquer, dominate, and subjugate to our every wish and whim."
"Well, that sucks."
Norbert shrugged again.
"How much longer do we have? Before your government conquers us?"
"My father has not yet completed his evaluation. That will take another month, perhaps, then he will make his report, and our government will decide. Perhaps two months."
"Two months? Dang, can't y'all wait till after Christmas to conquer Earth? I'm hoping to get an Xbox."
Norbert smiled. "Y'all. I love human speech." He put his finger to his head then nodded. He stood. "I must go now. Father beckons."
Norbert walked me to the hedgerow.
"Okay. See you tomorrow."
Norbert stuck out his fist. I gave him—it—an alien—a fist-bump.
"Max, it is a secret."
"Oh. Yeah. Sure."
"Mom—aliens live next door!"
I had run back into the house and found everyone in the kitchen.
"Norbert and his dad—they're aliens!"
"Honey, Norbert's a little different, but he's home schooled—"
"He's outer space schooled!"
Mom gave Maddy peanut butter crackers, and Scarlett poured her some milk in a cup. They were acting as if aliens living next door was no big deal.
"I'm not making this up! Norbert's wearing a rubber skin suit to disguise his true appearance and he saved me from the bullies with his finger!"
"His finger?" Scarlett said.
"Yeah. He can move stuff with his finger."
"I can move stuff with my finger, too." Scarlett used her finger to move Maddy's cup across the table. "See?"
"Yeah, but he can do it without touching the object. He held Butch up in midair."
"Butch got out again?" Mom said.
"Yeah, and—"
"That's it. I'm calling Randy right now. He's got to keep that dog in his yard before Butch bites a kid."
"He would've bitten me, but Norbert saved me—with his finger. Butch lunged at me, but Norbert stopped him in midair. Then he carried Butch—without touching him—and dropped him over the fence into his dog run. It was unbelievable."
"You're right, Max," Scarlett said. "It is unbelievable."
"He has superpowers here on Earth, like Superman."
"I thought you had superpowers, like the Hulk?"
"I don't. He does. How do you think I hit that home run?"
"I don't know."
"I didn't. He did."
"But you had the bat."
"But he made the bat hit the ball."
I deci
ded not to mention catching Maddy falling out of my window.
"Max, this isn't healthy."
"Scarlett," Mom said. "It's okay."
"Mom," I said, "it's not like that therapy stuff. I'm not making this up. This is real. His dad works for their government. He's here to decide if they should take over our planet. Before Christmas!"
"Why would they want to take over our planet?"
"Parts and labor."
Mom bit her lip. I could tell she was trying not to laugh.
"Parts and labor?"
"Water and workers—Mom, they can drink salt water! His dad is analyzing Earth to see if our natural resources would make good parts and if we would make good slaves for them. Cheap labor."
Mom and Scarlett glanced at each other then Mom's face brightened.
"It's Sunday," she said. "And tomorrow's a holiday, so there's no school. Let's make cookies and have a movie night. We'll watch ET."
I gave her a look.
"ET? Are you being funny?"
"What? Oh." She smiled. "No, honey. It's your favorite movie."
It was. She was changing the subject on me, another mother ploy I was wise to, like I was going to fall for it … Did she say cookies?
"Chocolate chip?"
"Sure."
"Okay, I'll get the den set up and the movie ready and can I stir the dough?"
Dang, her mother ploy had worked. But back to the aliens next door.
"So you guys don't believe me? Fine. I'll make friends with the aliens and learn more about their diabolical plan for Earth."
"Okay, you do that, Max," Scarlett said. "But let's work on your fractions first."
"Fractions? Aliens are trying to take over the world and you want me to worry about fractions?"
"Don't you have another quiz this week?" Mom said.
"Oh. Yeah. Okay."
"Mommy," Maddy said, "I jumped out Max's window and he caught me."
Mom frowned and gave me a suspicious glance. I gave her my innocent look.
"Kids," I said then patted Maddy's head. "What imaginations they have."
nine
Monday was Labor Day so we didn't have school. Normally, I slept in on holidays, but not this holiday. I woke up at six-thirty. I mean, learning that your next-door neighbors are aliens makes sleeping in a little difficult. I jumped out of bed and looked out the window; Norbert wasn't in his backyard.
I went downstairs.
