by Mark Gimenez
"Kids," she said. "They watch too much TV."
The check-out lady looked at us like we were criminals.
"Uh-huh."
She pulled out a yellow marker and ran it across the $100 bill. She held the bill up and examined it closely. Then she shrugged.
"It's good."
On the way down the escalator with our basket of food, Mom leaned down to me and said, "I thought his father works for the government?"
"He does," I said. "Their government."
thirteen
"Cup check!"
It was Saturday morning, and the team was again lining up, Coach Slimes was again rapping a metal bat against each player's cup to make sure that everyone was wearing the league-mandated protection, and I was again daydreaming, but not of all-beef hot dogs. Today, my mind was focused on saving the world from the aliens next door—from the three-and-a-half-foot-tall alien wearing green clogs, red sunglasses, and a blue baseball cap on backwards (where'd he get that from?) and giving me a thumbs-up from just outside the fence. So I was again not expecting to be cup-checked. Coach rapped me really hard with the metal bat.
"Ow!"
I turned to Coach, who was now holding his right arm as if it were broken.
"You okay, Coach?"
"What kind of cup are you wearing, Max? Dang near broke my arm."
"Oh, sorry, Coach, I forgot my cup again. I'll go man up."
"You're not wearing a cup?"
Norbert was grinning.
The guys showed up for the game wearing made-in-America flip-flops; Sunny wore red rubber clogs, also made in America. I introduced them to Norbert, and they sat in the stands with Mom and Scarlett and Maddy. I dropped a ball in the outfield in the first inning, but when I returned to the dugout Coach Slimes just said, "Good try, Max."
That was different.
I came up to bat in the second inning with two men on. I looked back at Norbert. He nodded. So I dug in and swung with great force and hit the ball over the right field fence. We won 3-2. When I walked out of the dugout, I saw Vic and his gang shaking their heads. I gave them my Hulk pose. Okay, I was getting a little cocky, but it was fun. I went over to the guys by the bleachers.
"Wow, a home run!" Dee said. "That was unbelievable!"
Dee and I bumped chests like the pros. Norbert liked that move, so he tried it with Dee but knocked him down.
"Strong for a little guy," Dee said from the ground.
Norbert gave me a chest-bump and then Eddie, who staggered back but didn't fall. Norbert turned to Sunny, but she frowned and said, "Don't even think about it."
I pointed down at Sunny's red clogs.
"See, Norbert, we're not wearing sneakers made in foreign sweatshops anymore."
"That is commendable, Max, but what about your baseball shoes?"
"What about them?"
"Where were they made?"
"Uh, I don't know."
"China."
"You're kidding?"
"Your bat, your helmet, your ball—they were also made in China."
"My official major league baseball?"
"Yes."
"My bat, too?"
Norbert nodded. "And your glove."
"I thought baseball was the American pastime."
"Perhaps. But the equipment is made in China."
"Dang."
"You see, Max, it is not easy to change your world."
It wasn't.
"But that was a good hit," Norbert said.
"Who wants hot dogs made in America?" Mom said.
We all raised our hands, then broke and ran for the concession stand. Norbert couldn't run very fast in his human suit, so I stopped running and walked with him.
"Thanks for the home run."
"You are welcome." After a moment, Norbert said, "So they are your best human friends? Sunny, Eddie, and Dee?"
"Yeah, they are."
"Did you tell them about me, too?"
At first I thought about lying, then I decided not to.
"Sorry."
"Can they keep a secret … better than you?" Norbert smiled. "It is all right, Max. I want to know your friends, too. I enjoy the company of humans. And human food."
We ate hot dogs, then Mom took us to Amy's for ice cream. After that we drove back home and climbed up onto the top deck of the playscape in my backyard. I spend a lot of time up here since Dad.
"My dad made this," I said to Norbert.
"Yes, I know."
"How do you know?"
"I know your family well."
"You do?"
"We know everything about every human."
"On our street?"
"On your planet."
Butch the pit bull started to bark at us, but he spotted Norbert and ducked inside his doghouse. Eddie was staring at Norbert.
"You know, Norbert, anyone can say they're an alien. Can you prove it?"
Norbert pointed his finger at Eddie and lifted him into the air.
"Okay," Eddie said. "You're an alien."
"Max has asked me many questions," Norbert said. "Would you also like to ask me questions?"
The others nodded.
"Ask."
"Every galaxy has a black hole in its center, right?" Sunny said.
"Yes."
"Have you ever been inside a black hole?"
"Yes."
"What's it like?"
"Black."
"Why are they there?"
"Shortcuts between galaxies."
"Neat."
"How big are you, really?" Eddie asked.
"About this size. But we do not grow much bigger. My father is just a little taller, so his human suit is modified to make him appear a more normal height here on Earth."
"Do you guys eat Twinkies, too?" Dee asked.
"Excellent question," I said. "Twinkies definitely have the necessary shelf life for intergalactic travel."
"If you got stranded in space, you could survive for years on Twinkies," Dee said. "I know I've tried."
"I do not know Twinkies," Norbert said.
"Dee knows them real well."
Dee reached into his backpack and pulled out a package of creamy Twinkies. He offered a Twinkie to Norbert.
"Here."
Norbert took the Twinkie then poked it and tasted his finger. He poked again, deeper this time, and his finger had the white creamy filling on it. He stuck his finger in his mouth. Then he opened his mouth and inserted the Twinkie whole. Dee's eyes got wide.
"I've never seen anyone eat a Twinkie that way."
Norbert swallowed then smiled. "I have never felt more satisfied in my entire existence. Where can I obtain more Twinkies?"
"Everywhere fine foods are sold," Dee said. "Like 7-Eleven."
"Do you have more?" Norbert said.
"Uh, well, yeah. Two more."
Norbert reached into his pocket and pulled out his wad of bills. He held a $100 bill out to Dee.
"I will pay. Here."
"No, Norbert," Dee said. "Twinkies don't cost that much. Here, you can have them."
"I will buy more and give many to you."
"Yeah, okay. Thanks."
Norbert ate the other Twinkies in the same manner. His face glowed. And he talked. Fast. (Twinkies will give you a heck of a sugar high.) We learned more about his government's plan to conquer Earth. Only the way he explained things, it didn't seem so diabolical. He made it sound almost human. After the sugar wore off, Norbert said, "I feel tired."
Dee checked his watch and said, "Hey, it's game time. Cowboys versus Giants."
"We can watch it inside," I said.
"I have a much bigger screen," Norbert said.
We agreed that was the better course of action and followed Norbert over to his house. Norbert was now giving the guys a brief demonstration of his technology. Dee whistled.
"And I thought the iPhone was the coolest thing I'd ever seen."
"Your stuff makes us look like cave men," Eddie said.
>
I asked Norbert to show the others where Kim-Ly worked. He spoke static and the screen changed to the factory where the Legend Jones sneakers were made and then zoomed in on a young girl.
"That's Kim-Ly," I said.
We watched her sewing a sneaker like she was a robot.
"Norbert," Sunny said, "can you burn a CD showing Kim-Ly making those sneakers? We could play it on my laptop at our boycott table."
Norbert spoke static to the machine then removed a CD from the machine and handed it to Sunny.
"Done."
"Thanks."
"Let us watch this game."
He took us into another room with a big screen—and when I say big, I mean big. I had never seen a TV screen like it. The picture was incredibly sharp, and the screen covered one entire wall of the room. Several couches faced the screen, so we plopped down and got comfortable. Norbert flicked through the channels until he found the game. One hundred thousand fans were packed into the new Cowboys stadium outside Dallas. Their faces were painted in the blue and silver team colors.
"Where are the horses?" Norbert asked.
"What horses?"
"For the cowboys to ride."
"Oh. They're not real cowboys. That's the team name."
"And the other players are not real giants."
" 'Fraid not."
"That is disappointing."
"That's a disease," Sunny said, pointing at the screen. "Football."
Norbert studied the game intently. Big guys hit, tackled, blocked, grabbed, and flung each other to the green artificial turf.
"My, that is a rough game," Norbert said.
"Only really stupid life forms would play such a game, don't you think?" I said.
"What is the purpose of this game?" Norbert asked.
"No one really knows."
"Grownups hitting each other like that," I said, "that proves humans aren't a very smart species."
Norbert nodded. "Yes, that is a very violent game."
I smiled at the guys. I thought football had saved the world. I thought wrong.
"But," Norbert said, "it is nothing compared to our national sport."
"What's that?"
"In your language, it would be called 'Catch'."
"Like playing catch with a baseball?"
"Not exactly."
"How do you play?"
"Each team has one hundred players. Ten at a time are carried into the atmosphere approximately eight miles in your measurement, then dropped. The others remain on the ground and attempt to catch their teammates."
"They float down on parachutes?"
"No parachutes."
"They just fall?"
"Yes."
"But they'd be going really fast when they hit the ground," Sunny said. "How can their teammates catch them?"
"Many times they do not, so their existence is terminated. And when they do, often the catcher's existence is terminated by the impact."
"That's crazy."
"Their families are well compensated."
"Who wins?"
"The last survivor."
We left when the game ended. Outside, Dee said, "Well, Plan A didn't work. What's Plan B?"
fourteen
Plan B: We would save the world by showing Norbert reality TV. That's about as stupid as a life form can get.
"While I'm at school today," I said to Norbert that Monday morning on our front porch, "I want you to watch the entire last season of The Bachelor."
"What is the show about?"
"A bunch of girls compete for a bachelor."
"An unmarried human male. Why?"
"Because he's what every girl wants—rich and handsome with ripped abs."
"Human females compete to mate with one human male? That does not seem like an advanced civilization."
"It's TV, not the SAT."
Norbert shrugged. "I will do as you ask."
"Can you get all the episodes with your technology?"
"Yes." Norbert smiled. "I was bored one day, while we were in Los Angeles, so I watched episodes of Lost all day. My father came home and had to administer an electric shock to jolt me back into consciousness. I had lapsed into a stupor." He shrugged. "It happens."
During lunch we manned our boycott table. We played Norbert's CD in loops on Sunny's laptop. I saw Kim-Ly's face a hundred times that day. I felt like I knew her. The other kids couldn't believe where Legend Jones sneakers were made. Some students got real disgusted and took off their Legends and dropped them into the barrel right there during lunch. We now had a bunch of made-in-America flip-flops and clogs to swap out for their sneakers. The editor of the school newspaper interviewed us and took pictures.
After school I went straight to Norbert's house and knocked on the front door. He opened the door and said, "Hurry." He turned and walked fast into the room with the big screen on the wall. I followed. On the screen was a guy in a suit holding a rose. Two women stood before him. The Bachelor.
"Brad is about to select his mate."
Norbert plopped down on the edge of the couch and put his hands in front of his face as if praying. He closed his eyes.
"I cannot bear to look," he said. "I am hoping Mandy wins Brad's heart."
"What? You like this show?"
"Max, these humans are remarkable. Brad is an authentic cowboy on a working Montana ranch. You should see him ride the horse creature! And he is a single father raising a young daughter, her name is Shelby. She is seven and desperately needs a mother. Mandy instructs young humans and has long dreamed of having a family, but she has never found her soul mate, although I do not know what that means. Max, they would be perfect together."
"Oh, good grief."
Tuesday was Dancing with the Stars. Norbert loved it. "Humans move with such grace, except for that politician," he said. "They would not be injured on the job."
Wednesday was Wipeout. People making complete fools of themselves trying to run through an obstacle course of rising and falling hurdles, big balls you have to climb over, a sucker-punching wall, and a rotating arm, with failure landing the contestants in water and mud. Norbert loved it, too.
"These humans are so brave."
"You're kidding. You don't think it's stupid?"
"Not at all. Well, the announcers are quite stupid, but the contestants are extremely brave."
Thursday was Survivor. "Humans are so resourceful," Norbert said. "And they do not complain about eating rats. They would make excellent slaves."
Friday was The Biggest Loser. Norbert was crying when I got home from school.
"What's wrong?"
"Billy has lost one hundred and fifty pounds. It has changed his life. He is getting married to Becky, who lost two hundred pounds. They want to produce many offspring. I am so happy for them."
I couldn't believe it.
fifteen
Scarlett refused to believe that Norbert and his father were aliens.
Until Saturday.
That morning, Norbert wasn't sitting on my front porch when I went downstairs, and he didn't answer his door when I knocked on it about ten. Mom went to Whole Foods (she said after our last trip to the grocery store, it would be safer for us to stay at home), so Scarlett and I were watching Maddy. My game wasn't until three, and it was a nice day, so we decided to play out front. Scarlett helped Maddy ride her tricycle. I put on my protective pads and took my Ripstik for a ride. I didn't get far. I swiveled my hips for all I was worth, but I just couldn't get the dang thing to go fast like Norbert. Of course, I was only human. Scarlett and Maddy were laughing at my efforts when Norbert came around the hedgerow.
"Dude, I was looking for you," I said.
"Oh, I was in the back room, watching videos of Kim Kardashian as you asked."
"And?"
"And you are right. We would terminate her existence immediately."
Norbert turned to Scarlett and gave her an admiring look. She had a game that afternoon so she was wearing her cheerleade
r outfit.
"Scarlett," Norbert said, "if I were human, I would select you for my soul mate."
She laughed. "If you were human? Okay, I'll play along. So, why do you get to choose me? Why don't I get to choose you?"
"A female of the species selecting a male? What planet are you from?"
She laughed again. "That's good. You're a funny little guy."
"Thank you."
It was a nice day in the neighborhood. Dads were mowing lawns or walking their dogs—there was a traffic jam of dads and dogs at Mrs. Cushing's house—folks were jogging (jogging in Austin is like a social activity), kids were playing in front yards, and the moms were visiting (no doubt about Mrs. Cushing). We were enjoying the morning when I spotted a black car coming slowly down the street. I froze and stared.
"What is wrong, Max?" Norbert asked.
I didn't say anything. I just stared at the black car. It came closer. And closer. I started backing up the walkway to our house. My legs felt weak. Scarlett grabbed my shoulders.
"It's okay, Max. The black car only comes once."
The black car had come that day five months before. It came down our street and stopped in front of our house. Two men in uniforms got out. I saw them first and called to Mom. She ran and opened the front door. Then she fainted. Ever since, I had a recurring nightmare about a black car stopping in front of our house.
Like this black car did.
But inside this black car were three teenage boys, not two Army officers. They whistled. Not at me or Norbert, I don't think.
"Hiya, Scarlett," the boy in the passenger seat said. "You're looking hot today. Wanna take a ride with us?"
"No, thanks, Bobby."
"What, you too good for us?"
"I'm too smart for you."
Bobby didn't like that. His face turned hard.
"You fat pig!"
The car's tires squealed when they sped off. Scarlett's face dropped. I thought she might cry. She wasn't fat, not at all, but I've learned that most girls think they're fat even when they're not. Norbert stepped to her.
"Scarlett," he said, "did those young human males upset your emotions?"
"No."
"That means yes," I said.
Without another word, Norbert hopped onto the Ripstik and swiveled his hips fast and shot down the street.
"Norbert!" Scarlett screamed. "No!"
