“It’s not your fault. It’s those damn clippers.”
Silence fills the room as they each deal with their grief. Bronwen keeps feeding Elsie the tonic. “This will blank it out; she won’t remember what happened. It should help. Some food would be good,” she says to Maud, who happily bustles off to her kitchen.
Maud comes back with food and ale for all of them.
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” Gwenna says. “When she was finally free.”
Elsie chokes on a sob, and then before anyone can stop her or tell her it’s a stupid idea, even though she already knows it is, she bolts from the house, flying in a daze towards the woods.
She flies until she cannot see from the tears pouring down her face, and then she drops to the floor. She crawls under a bush and closes her eyes. She is the reason Meg is dead. Because she came back to Allaire and because she argued with her. She’s doubly responsible and has no idea how she will ever get over the guilt.
If she closes her eyes and tries to remember her childhood Meg is always there. Always by her side. She was there when her mother was alive. She tucked her into bed after her mother died. She dressed her in the prettiest dress when her father remarried, and Elsie and Isla were flower girls. Meg washed her, dressed her and brushed her hair. She cut up her food and told her bedtime stories. Meg reassured her when she was scared and cajoled her when she wanted her to do something. Meg had stayed awake all night holding her when her father died. She had reminded her to smile when her step mother introduced the man who would be her step father, and she kept her safe when he was unkind to her.
Meg.
She can hear someone calling her name. It’s not Hardy, it’s Gwenna. She calls out from under the bush. “I’m here.”
“How stupid are you trying to be?”
Elsie wriggles out from under the bush and sits up, leaning against it.
“You’re all muddy.” Gwenna rubs some dirt off her face and pulls a twig from her hair. “Do you think it helps if you get yourself clipped or killed?”
Elsie shakes her head. “I feel guilty.”
“I know, but you shouldn’t. Meg wouldn’t have left your side if her life depended on it.”
Elsie sobs. If Meg hadn’t been by her side tonight, she’d still be alive.
Gwenna tucks an arm around her. “Meg loved you. She was there when you were a baby, and she watched you grow up. It was always her goal to look after you. She must have seen something special in you. Maybe she knew you’d be queen one day.”
“I can’t-”
“Elsie.” Her tone is sharp, and Elsie turns to look at her. “Meg only came back to Allaire because you wanted to. She’d have followed you anywhere and done anything you asked. She always told me she felt like you were her own daughter, despite the slight age gap.”
“I felt like she was my mother. That’s why I can’t-”
“Stop it. You don’t get to change your mind now. It’s too late. It’s time to grow up, Elsie. It’s time to stand on your own two feet and be a big girl. Meg is gone, and if it’s not to be in vain, you need to step up.”
“And if I can’t?”
Gwenna ignores her question. “Do you know when your step father first married your step mother, he tried to hurt you? He wanted to kill you and Isla. Meg ran to us in the troupe, with such fear on her face. I’ve never seen her like it. She was shaking, spluttering, sobbing, just hysterical at the thought of anything bad happening to you.”
Elsie’s voice is small. “Why did she run to you?”
“For Bronwen. Bronwen has magic like you’ve never seen. I think she’s part witch, though she won’t confirm it. Meg wanted protection for you and your sister.” She pauses. “Bronwen could help her, but Meg had to sacrifice her own freedom.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Bronwen could ensure your safety, make sure you and Isla stayed alive, but only by Meg and Lacey agreeing to stay locked up with you. Every week when Meg left the castle, she came to the troupe with Lacey. They both had to drink a potion and bring a potion back to the castle for you and Isla. She brought a different magic infused object back each time too; one that bound her to you and helped keep the castle a safe place for the both of you.”
Elsie covers her face with her hands, sobbing afresh. “I had no idea.”
“She wouldn’t have told you. Meg was the most selfless person I have ever met. She only wanted your safety and your happiness. And she gave up her life to stay with you so you could live.”
“And now she’s gone.”
“Which is why you must be strong now, Elsie. You cannot crumble now. Do this. And do it quickly. The royal family and the clippers rule with a cruel hand. They had no reason to kill Meg tonight. They maim and kill whoever they please whenever they please. We must stop them. For Meg.”
“For Meg.”
“I’m not saying it will be easy and I’m not saying there’s no risk, but it has to be done, and you have to be the one to do it. This rebellion will putter out without you to rally everybody. We have to have a common cause to stand behind. And you are it.”
Elsie stands up and brushes down her clothes. “I won’t let you down. I won’t let Meg down.”
Gwenna nods. “Good. Now let’s go back to Maud’s before something else terrible happens.”
As soon as she pushes open the door, Maud envelops her in a hug and a scolding all at the same time. She ushers her to a seat and pushes a plate full of food in front of her and a cup full of ale in front of her. Elsie opens her mouth to speak, to apologise, to say something, but Maud holds up a hand. “Enough. This day is bad enough. Let’s eat and drink and say a toast to Meg.”
They all hold up their cups. “Meg.”
“Take this if you need to, Elsie, it will help you sleep.” Bronwen passes her a tiny vial of clear liquid.
“Thank you.”
“She should take it, anyway. A dreamless sleep is what she’ll need tonight.”
Bronwen nods at Maud’s suggestion. “You’re probably right.”
Gwenna stands up and hugs Elsie, Maud and Hardy. Bronwen does the same, and then the two women leave.
Elsie sits staring at her drink. Whatever she agreed to with Gwenna, she still feels responsible.
Hardy hunkers down next to her and takes her hand in his. “I’m so sorry about tonight. I know it was my fault. I have never thought the people at the castle were complicit. I shouldn’t have been so hard on Meg.”
Elsie stares up at him, his handsome bearded face and tears fill her eyes. Is he responsible for Meg’s death? Maybe partially. But the real culpability is hers. She brought Meg back to Allaire.
“Gwenna just told me that Meg kept me alive all these years because she traded her freedom for my safety. Every week when she left me, she’d go to the troupe with Lacey – that’s Isla’s handmaiden – and they would drink a magical potion and also bring one back for me and my sister. She sacrificed her own life for mine.”
Hardy puts his head in his hands and groans. “Oh, Elsie, now I feel even worse. I shouldn’t have been cross with her.”
“It’s fine. She got pretty cross with you too.”
“She did, didn’t she? She was always on your side and looking out for you.”
“I cannot imagine my life without her.”
He takes her hand and brings it up to his face, resting his lips upon her skin. He’s not kissing her, but it’s still the most intimate way a man has ever behaved with her. After a lengthy silence, she pushes him off.
“I’d like to go to bed.”
Maud shoos Hardy out of the way. “Go on you, out of my way, let me help the princess.”
Hardy sits down and sips his ale, his expression contrite.
Maud takes Elsie upstairs and sits her on the bed. She gives her a drink in one hand and a cake in the other, and quickly tidies away what she supposes are Meg’s things. Elsie watches her, feeling completely hollow.
“Drink the sleeping poti
on, you need it.”
“What do I do now? She’s the only person I really know. I could tell Meg anything and trust her with anything. In all of this, I know she would have steered me right.”
Maud sits next to her, tucks an arm around her. “I can’t imagine how scared you are, pet, how afraid you are. But we’ll all help look after you. Trust will grow with unfamiliar people, friendships and family can change. I know you feel lost without Meg, but I promise you it’ll be all right. Grief is a funny thing. You feel like you cannot live a day without that person. It’s what I felt like when my husband died. I would have happily gone with him, if I’d had a choice and a magic wand. I promise it’ll change.”
“I feel so empty. And I know it was my fault. She gave up her entire life for me when she was alive, and now she’s dead. She never got to live, or love, or-” Sobs take over and Elsie cannot speak another word. Maud wraps her arms around her and lets her cry. Eventually, when her sobs subside, Maud lets her go. “Drink the potion, Elsie, and sleep. It sounds trite, but everything is always better in the morning.”
Elsie drinks the potion and lets Maud tuck her into bed.
Once she’s alone, she cries again.
How could she not have known how kind and selfless Meg really was? Imagine doing something so immense for somebody and then never telling them about it. She never made Elsie aware of what she was doing for her. She never asked for recognition or thanks or anything. She never held it against her or over her. She just quietly lived with her, locked up with her, knowing she was keeping her safe.
She wishes she had known so she could have thanked her, though anything she said would never have been enough. What a sacrifice she made, so quietly, so kindly.
Elsie cries about her loss and for Meg and what she lived without, so Elsie would be safe. She cries and cries until her grief and sorrow harden and a bitter anger takes over. Her tears dry up and her heart hardens.
The next time she sees a clipper they will rue the day they murdered Meg. And if she is the one to face her step parents, they too will know the pain and anguish of death.
17
THE MORNING COMES AROUND and Elsie still feels empty and hollow and sick. Meg’s unused bed is just another reminder that her only friend is dead.
She dresses herself, all fingers and thumbs, and it takes twice as long as when Meg would do it. She struggles with her laces; she struggles to tie up her hair; she is exhausted by the end of it and then laughs, a bitter, sharp sound. Does she really think she can rule a Kingdom when she cannot even get dressed without trouble?
Her mood is dour when she ventures downstairs and finds Hardy and his mother talking in inaudible voices by the kitchen table.
“Here she is!” Maud’s voice is over bright and does nothing to lighten Elsie’s mood.
“How did you sleep?” Hardy comes to her side.
She ducks away from his touch and sits on the other side of the table. “Not well,” she says, accepting a drink off Maud with a smile.
“Well, that’s to be expected, lovely. Here.” Maud passes her a plate filled with warm bread and meat. Elsie is suddenly ravenous and happily accepts a second helping and more ale.
“I’m ready though. Ready for this rebellion to begin. I wonder if even more of the troupe will help now. They all knew Meg, and Gwenna is well thought of. We need numbers and we need to move fast.”
Hardy sits opposite her. “You’re right. The clippers were brazen last night. They rarely kill us. It’s an escalation that frightens me.”
“We have allowed them to get away with whatever they like for too long,” Maud says, sitting down with another platter of food. “Someone needs to stop them.” She touches Hardy on the arm. “You need to stop them.”
Elsie shakes her head. “I need to stop them.” There is a steel in her voice that wasn’t there before. Hardy raises his eyebrows, and she laughs. “I mean it, Hardy. I know I’m only sixteen and I know nothing about anything, but I have to do this. I have to be an actual part of it and not just a figurehead.”
“Elsie.”
She shakes her head at the warning in his voice. “I’m not stupid. I can learn. And I can be there when my step parents are captured and if someone needs to kill them, I can do that as well as the next person.”
He nods and takes a bite of some bread. “You’re right. And I spoke to Bella last night. She doesn’t want to help you and she...” He hesitates slightly, but his mother nods. “She broke up with me and she’s refusing to help with the rebellion. She’s jealous that I’m helping you and she’s refusing to get involved.”
He looks hurt and furious at the same time and Elsie feels bad for him but also a little bit happy. Bella wasn’t very nice to her, so why should she waste time worrying about her?
“Once Norah’s been, do you want to come with me to the troupe? Get their final numbers? Maybe speak to them all and see if they’re ready for this?” Hardy asks.
Elsie nods. She is ready to do anything she needs to.
The knock at the door gives her the first jolt of happiness she’s had since last night. She’s determined to learn how to fight – even if it’s just enough to lift the sword that finishes her step parent’s lives – and she will imagine the two clippers faces as she learns.
“Morning. Morning Elsie.” Norah brandishes her sword around with a flourish, albeit a clumsy one. “Ready?”
“Elsie, ask my mum to tie your hair up a little tighter.”
Elsie knows he only wants her out of the way so he can tell Norah about Meg. “It’s fine, Hardy, I can tell her.” She turns to Norah and takes a deep breath. “Meg was killed last night. By a clipper.”
Norah looks aghast; she covers her mouth with her hand and tears pour down her face. “Oh, Elsie, I’m so, so, so sorry for you. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I could tell you loved her, and she loved you.”
Elsie cannot speak, just nods.
“Oh,” Norah says, pulling her into a hug.
“Don’t be nice to me,” Elsie squeaks.
Norah puts her hand up. “I shan’t. I shall be rude and horrible. It’s always worse when anyone is sympathetic, isn’t it? Oh.” She squeezes Elsie’s shoulder and Elsie half laughs, half cries. Norah hits her forehead. “Sorry – I did it again. Right, no sympathy, no niceties. Hardy, get her a sword.”
Hardy rolls his eyes but does as he’s told and passes one of his older, lighter swords to Elsie from inside the house.
“You can’t watch,” Norah says, batting him away with her hand. “I’m not letting you see the secrets of my success.”
Hardy laughs but ducks inside the house and leaves the two of them alone.
“Are you happy to come with me?” Norah asks and Elsie nods. She trusts this young fairy; she likes her.
“We can’t fight in the streets, especially if they killed Meg last night. The clippers might be out and about. Ooh, they’re so damn horrible. I would kill every one of them I came across, let me tell you.”
They fly into an enormous garden. “That’s my house.” Norah points. “Shall I tell you my number one secret for fighting as a girl?”
Elsie nods.
“Ready? Men think you can’t fight. They think we can’t fight and so they get cocky. They get arrogant and they get sloppy. If you’re a much worse fighter than they are, but you can keep your nerve, then you can win. There aren’t any female clippers, so the only fights I’ve ever got in – proper fights, sword fights – are fights with men. They look at me and they do this.” Norah sneers at Elsie, a smug half-smile on her face, and Elsie laughs. “And that’s when I know I can kill them. They hardly see me coming. I’m quick and I kill them. That’s the other thing they’re waiting for – they’re waiting for you to hesitate, to panic and freeze; to be a weak and helpless girly girl. That’s when you kill them. Let’s go.”
“Go where?”
“No, I mean, let’s fight.” Norah laughs and Elsie groans.
“Who do I think I�
��m kidding here? I couldn’t even put up a fight last night when I thought they would kill me and Meg. I didn’t even stop them killing Meg – what use will I be in the middle of a rebellion? How many men are in the royal army? Hundreds?”
Norah shakes her head, her expression sympathetic, but incredulous. “Thousands, Elsie. They have thousands of men. Would you rather fight for the crown or be killed by the crown? Work as a clipper, or be clipped? Their army is enormous because it’s an escape from life on this side of the fence.”
“Fence?”
“Not a literal fence.” Norah sighs. “You’re safe or you’re not. You’re on the side of the royal family or you’re not. They have more men than they know what to do with.”
Elsie throws up her arms. “So what are we supposed to do?”
“The good thing is, only the smallest fraction of them can fight. They might have numbers, but they’re pretty crap numbers.” She throws up her arms. “I’m allowed to kill clippers, but nobody thinks I want to fight in this rebellion. It’s so maddening.”
“Hardy thinks you’re amazing. Have you told him you want to fight?”
“Yes, and he pats my head and laughs. The men think the rebellion is different. Maybe we can defend ourselves, maybe we can kill a clipper, but a proper fight, an actual battle, no!”
“I thought he’d be glad to have you fighting.”
“Me too. For example, one of me equals about one hundred of them. I could kill them so quickly they wouldn’t know what had hit them. We have a lot of warriors like that. And we’ll have the element of surprise on our side. I wish I could help.”
“I wish I could get Hardy to listen to you.”
Norah shakes her head, a sad expression on her face. “I’ve tried. It would make me so happy, but...” She shrugs.
“So even without you, do you think we’ll win? Will we be successful? Will I be queen?”
“Yes, to all three. I mean it’ll be close, without me, but they know what they’re doing.”
Elsie feels sorry for her. “You are too sweet. Show me how to fight?”
Norah laughs, but then Elsie watches her expression change as she concentrates on the task at hand. She shows her how to hold the sword, how to stand, how to move, and then they stand off for a pretend fight.
The Rise of the Fairy Queen (The Fairy Queen Trilogy Book 1) Page 15
