by KL Donn
“What the hell was that, Paisley?” He sounds different. The usual anger is there, but it’s magnified.
Treading lightly, I walk around him and up the steps before answering. “He’s lost his respect for you, Jack. What did you expect?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Is he for real?
“We haven’t heard from you in months. You stood him up for going fishing. No phone call, text message, smoke signals, nothing. You either need to be in his life or out of it, Jack. There’s no in between.”
“You’ve been filling his head with lies! I call plenty.” When he steps towards me, I step back, and he sneers. It’s the look in his eye that scares me, however.
“No, I haven’t. I’ve given him choices. And whatever you planned to do here today, he wants no part of it.”
His hand shoots out so fast I don’t have time to move out of the way as his palm lands on my cheek. My head whips to the side, and my face instantly stings, bringing tears to my eyes.
“You bastard.” I hiss at him, one hand cradling my face.
“You stupid whore. If you don't let me see him, I’ll just have to go to court and take him.”
The threat could buckle me under, but I force my spine straight. “You could try that, Jack. Haven’t you ever wondered why I haven’t gone after you for child support, more frequent visitations? A single court visit. Anything?” He looks puzzled. “You left me alone with your child at seventeen. How did you think I was going to get back at you? You have no rights where my son is concerned. And frankly, after today, if you come back here, I’ll call the police and have you arrested.”
I rush inside and lock the door before he can do or say anything. Tears stream down my face as he pounds on the wood and calls me obscene names.
“Mom!” Tommy comes rushing down the stairs visibly terrified.
“Back upstairs, honey, it’s fine.” I can’t bring myself to look at him. He’ll see all of my pain, the swelling from Jack’s blow. I’m raw. I can’t let him see me like this.
After I hear his steps retreating, I quickly order pizza for dinner and go up to my room, intent on cleaning myself up before I have to face my son and tell him everything’s all right.
On my bed is an envelope with my name scrawled across it in bold letters. I don’t know if I have the energy to give him what he wants anymore. What they both seem to want so desperately.
As I open the letter, something falls to the ground, and I look down to see dried yellow daisy leaves. I can’t contain the sobs that consume me as I read.
Paisley,
I walk around camp constantly saying your name. I love the way it rolls off my tongue. How delicate and soft it sounds.
Paisley…
I especially love the way I can picture moaning it against your lips for the first time.
Paisley…
As sweet as a Daisy.
I know they’re not as fresh or look as nice as in the store, but I hope you can find comfort in the petals as if I gave them to you myself.
We haven’t met, hell, we haven’t spoken, but I know you, Paisley. Your words speak of everything you want but won’t ask for. Everything I suddenly want to give you.
When I come home, I’m coming for you.
Both of you.
Love, Gage
My fears and dreams. Hopes and failures. They all sweep through me at the speed of light as I soak in his letter. The petals delicate in my hands as I fight back the overwhelming urge to beg him to keep his promise.
Sadly, as I’ve learned, words are simply that. Words.
You can’t trust what you can’t see.
Chapter Four
Gage
A package came for me as we were out on patrol and one of these little fucks decided to open it. I’m tempted to kill the fuckers. Especially since Paisley hasn’t responded back to me the last two times I wrote her. Tommy has been, but he also hasn’t been his normal cheery self either, and I’m going crazy not knowing what’s happening.
After having to deal with watching Killian, the captain of our unit, go all googly-eyed over the girl writing to him, I’m dreading opening this box. I want a letter from her to be in there. I don’t know what I’ll do if there isn’t.
Picking up the open box, I begin pulling out the container of double chocolate chip cookies that are suspiciously open already, some essentials they’ve packed for me like deodorant, toothbrush, and other necessities. Seeing the Marvel comic books, I feel a smile spread across my face. Tommy and I had talked about our favorite superheroes, both of us agreeing that Iron Man and The Hulk were the best.
Seeing only one letter with Tommy’s childish script on the front, I’m disappointed. I know something’s wrong with Paisley, I just can’t figure out what. I could ask the kid, but I don’t want to put him in the position of essentially telling on his mom.
Pulling the letter from the envelope I’m opening, what I see breaks my heart.
Soldier man,
I haven’t told you, but mom is sad. Jack came to the house a couple weeks ago, and when he left, Mom had a bruise on her face. She’s never cried so hard before, and I don’t think I’m strong enough for us both.
I’m afraid Jack will try to come back and take me. I told Mom I don’t want to see him no more, but I think he’s been to my school before. I don’t know if it was him for sure.
Are you coming home soon? I think Mom would like that a lot. She always smiles when you write her, even though I know she doesn’t write you back.
You can make her smile again, Gage.
Riddler
P.S. There's 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens, how many didn't?
That always stumps people :)
A clattering of items hits my bunk walls, and I don’t realize what’s happened until my ears stop ringing and my breathing slows down. I’d tossed everything in the box and on my side table across the room.
I’m so far beyond livid, I don’t think I’ll see straight again. That son of a bitch hit her. He hit my fucking woman.
Two more months and my tour is over. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find that piece of shit and show him what a real man is.
Sitting down on my bunk, I ignore the ruckus of the guys outside as they try and decompress after a harder than normal patrol. The aftermath of a firefight is always the most stressful. Killian and I have had to talk a few of the guys through it. What they’ve seen, what they were forced to do.
It’s the worst part of not only being a soldier but of being a higher-ranking officer. We can’t sit by and let them work their way through the destruction on their own. We have to help, talk them off any ledge they might be feeling. Get them ready to go back stateside without going AWOL or developing such a severe case of PTSD that they’ll be a danger to everyone around them.
Our soul mission to these men is to get them home in one piece.
Chapter Five
Paisley
Dear Paisley,
Talk to me. I miss the sweet smile I imagine is on your face when I read your letters. I miss the laughter I often felt in your words.
Tommy worries about you. That boy worships the ground you walk on. I wonder if you know that? Does he tell you?
If I were there, you bet your sweet ass I’d make sure he told you.
I’m coming home in two months, Paisley. Less by the time you get this letter. I am coming for you. That’s a promise you can bank.
When I do, you’re going to tell me everything. This thing between us isn’t just in my head. I’ve been around too long not to know the real thing when I get it.
You’re real, Paisley.
We’re real.
Love, Gage
Every time he writes me, I feel his touch. Every word and command feel like the promises he’s making. Trusting it is the hardest part.
I’m terrified, after Jack, that I’ve only built Gage up in my mind. He can’t possibly be as perfect as I’ve dreamt. Can he?
I mean, no
man just wants an instant family. They don’t want a little boy that isn’t theirs. Or a woman that has no idea what she’s doing with her life.
“Hey, Mom!” Tommy calls from the driveway. “Watch this!” I got him a new hockey net with all the bells and whistles, and he’s never been happier.
“Great job, honey!” I cheer him on as he slaps the puck through each target in the corners. He loves sports, and he enjoys impressing me with all his tricks knowing I can’t kick a ball in front of my feet.
My eyes stray back to the letter in my hands and the thoughts and feelings this man evokes in me. I wish it were as easy as he makes it seem. With Tommy, I can’t just jump the gun. Dive head first into the potential of failure.
“Will you write him back?” Tommy’s curious question draws me from my thoughts to see him standing in front of me, peeking down at the letter. “I think he’d like if you did.”
“When’d you get to be so smart?” I smile at him, hoping he doesn’t push for more.
“He could make you happy again, Mom.” There’s hurt underlying his words.
Pulling my son into my arms, I whisper, “You’re all I need to be happy.”
I think. I hope. I wish.
Tommy
Mom’s good at hiding her feelings. She thinks she’s protecting me. I don’t know what from, though.
Gage would be good for us. Better than Jack the jerk. He hasn’t been around since he hit Mom. I think if he did come, I’d have to take care of him.
Sometimes, I say not so nice things to my mom, and I always feel bad after, but she really is the best. I wish she saw herself the way I do.
After dinner, before I get ready for bed, I get the chance to read Gage’s newest letter.
Riddler,
Alright, kid, I’m stumped. Either you’re missing words in that last riddle, or the answer is really hidden. Cause I’ve got squat.
I’m coming, Tommy, real soon.
When I get there, your mom’s gonna have some explaining to do. She’s also going to learn what it means to have a real man by her side. I won’t let anything happen to her. That’s a promise you can hold me to. I want you both safe. With me around, you’ll never feel like Jack can take you. Not on my watch.
Hang tight, kid.
Soldier man
A deep breath releases from me, and I know things will be okay. Mom will be happy, I’ll have a dad, and Gage will have a home.
We’ll be a family.
Chapter Six
Gage
“Down, down, down!” Killian is yelling at Steele and Des as the military attacks our camp. With a blade in my hand, I’m stealthily making my way around the hut Killian is trapped in to shock and awe the bastard holding the automatic that’s shooting at my captain.
It was bad enough we had to witness the horrors in the village these sons of bitches had destroyed. But having them come to our grounds? Un-fucking called for.
I hear the ratatatat as I approach from the side and take the asshole off guard by tackling him to the ground and gutting his ass.
“Got him!” I yell in to Killian, who comes running out with a rifle in hand and his 9mm strapped to his thigh.
As gunfire blasts our way, we both scramble to take cover. An intense burn flashes through my bicep as I dive back behind crates full of supplies and wetness trails down my arm.
“Lou, you’re hit!” Des comes running over, pulling out ace bandages as he moves.
“Thanks, Tips.” My voice is laced heavily with sarcasm. “How many of these assholes are there?”
“Drones are coming.” His answer pisses me off, but before I can say anything, I feel the adrenaline that had been present slowly drain from my system.
“What the fuck?” My body is going limp as I try moving around. My ears begin to ring, and the explosions happening around us are like percussion drums going off in my head.
Steele and Des each grab an arm and haul me to my feet, but I don’t feel like I’m moving. My world is spinning. Darkness fields my vision as my team drags me out of harm’s way, and all I can think about is my family.
How I didn’t get to read Paisley’s last letter before shit turned to hell.
Dear Gage,
I’m sorry. I’m scared.
Of life, of love. Men. My son hating me. Failing.
I feel like I could have this wonderful life if only I were strong enough to reach out and grab hold of it. I can feel it slipping through my fingers, and yet, I can’t seem to catch onto it.
Tommy is growing up so quickly, and if I don’t watch every moment, I’m going to miss everything. He talks about you, you know. You’ve been so good for him, Gage.
I’m going to believe in your promises. I’m going to believe in you.
We’re waiting for you.
Yours, Paisley
I didn’t get to make them mine.
Chapter Seven
Paisley
“That son of a bitch,” I growl for probably the eighth time in as many minutes. Tommy is back to being angry and confused. Anything to mask his pain.
We haven’t heard from Gage in over a month. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. He’s like every other man in my life. Telling nothing but lies. Making false promises. Building dreams, only to dash them away with the first opportunity.
I hate him!
Pounding on the dough for the homemade pizza I’m hoping will sooth some of my son’s temper, I realize I’ve overdone it and must start again. It’s not until I feel dampness on the tops of my hands that I realize I’m crying.
Not just for Tommy.
For myself.
For the life I’d begun to hope for. For the deceit I’d let him weave around me when I knew better. “Dammit!” I yell into the quiet room. My frustration and hurt getting the best of me.
The ringing of the phone startles me into screaming as my heart beats out of control. Once calm, I pick up the receiver. “Hello?”
“Miss Anderson?” It’s Tommy’s counselor. I really don’t like the woman.
“Yes?” I try to inject happiness in my tone in the hopes my child hasn’t done something else.
“I’m afraid we need you to come to school. Tommy has punched another student.” I can feel the judgment bleeding through her tone as she relays the information to me.
“I’ll be right there.”
I drag my feet after hanging up, the same way Tommy does when he’s in trouble or doesn’t want to do something.
Tommy
I made Mom mad again. She doesn’t even care why I punched stupid Andrew in the face. He needs to keep his big mouth shut.
“I just don’t understand, Tomas. Why is hitting someone your only solution?” I can’t look at her. I’m so mad at her and Gage. I don’t know what she did, but he stopped writing to us.
I thought we were finally going to be normal again. That we would have a family like everyone else.
I hate Gage. He tossed me to the side. He made me promises and then broke them.
“Tomas?” Mom’s voice is sad as she drives us home.
“What?” I snap out angrily.
“Why did you hit him?” It’s the same question everyone’s been asking me.
“He called me a bastard, okay!” I yell at her. Briefly, I see the hurt in her eyes as I rage at her, but I don’t care. “It’s your fault!” I can’t stop myself from blaming her.
“What? How is it my fault?” She turns as she parks the car in front of our house.
“You didn’t marry Jack! You were stupid and selfish, and you gave up on me!” When tears stream from her face, I push the regret I feel at my words back and storm out the car, racing to the backyard and the treehouse Mom bought me last summer.
Blocking the door shut, I collapse against the mountains of pillows she put in here so I would have somewhere to relax when I play my games.
I was never this angry all the times Jack hadn’t shown up. I don’t understand why I am with Gage. He’s just another pers
on to leave me behind.
I should be used to it.
Chapter Eight
Gage
Landing on American soil again wrested a bittersweet feeling throughout me. I’m glad to be home, but I’m angry I haven’t been able to garner five minutes to get in contact with Paisley and Tommy before just showing up on their doorstep.
I’m pissed I was fucking shot during that last firefight. The brachial artery in my bicep had been nicked, and I’d been airlifted to the nearest base for immediate medical attention. I’d nearly died and realized just how important my new family was to me.
My plans had always been to sign up for another tour after this one; I was going to be a lifer. Like my dad and granddad before me. It’s funny how one life-changing moment can alter a person’s perspective.
I’m retiring from active duty, but not leaving the service. Desk work will be boring as fuck, but once I convince Paisley to forgive me, because I know she’s going to think I abandoned them, it’ll be worth the transition.
Seeing the way Killian’s girl reacted to seeing him after radio silence from the explosion, gave me hope that maybe Paisley and Tommy won’t hate me. That they could forgive me, too.
I stop at a sports store on my way to their house for some new fishing gear for Tommy, and then a florist for as many yellow daisies as I can for Paisley. I don’t expect the gifts to soften them towards me but rather for them to know I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
It’s mid-afternoon, and I’m hoping they’re both home from school by now. As I pull up to their house, an address I had Steele track down for me, I see her. She’s a thousand times more gorgeous than I ever imagined. Her soft blonde hair is up in a messy bun, and she looks unhappy and infuriated at the same time. That could be because of the douchebag standing on her front steps that she’s currently yelling at.
