“Just wait there,” he said and went to the bathroom. The water came on and I figured he was drawing me a bath. If anything was going to put me to sleep, it would be a warm bubble bath.
I dozed off but woke when Fin picked me up again and carried me into the bathroom. He’d filled it with candles and the air was warm and thick with the scent of lilacs. He set me down on the edge of the bath and undressed me before he helped me in.
“Is there room in there for me?” he asked as I sunk into the hot water and moaned in pleasure. This was the perfect ending. Well, it was the second most perfect ending. The best would have been if Fin was inside me. Oh, well. As he said, we had time.
“Take your clothes off and get in here,” I said. I was too tired to be sweet and nice.
“Yes ma’am,” he said and started taking off his tie. Seeing that I was watching him, he slowed down and gave me a little show.
“Mmm, that’s what I was waiting for,” I said as he pulled the black shirt off and dropped it to the floor. “As much as I loved watching him put clothes on, seeing him take them off was twice as nice.
Finally, he was naked and I found a reserve of energy somewhere. He got into the bath and sat behind me. I leaned back against his chest.
“I’m so glad we get to do this again,” I said, my voice quiet.
“Me too. I just want to hold you in my arms and never let you go.” He put his arms around me and held me tight.
“I’d be okay with that. But it might be kind of hard to live that way.”
“Maybe,” he said, but he didn’t let go of me. I didn’t have to look at his face to know he was thinking about something.
“What is it?” I asked.
“You know it’s not going to be perfect overnight, right? This thing between us, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, but it doesn’t change who I am. I still have a fucked up past and I’ve done fucked up things. I’m not naïve enough to think that I won’t have problems in the future.” I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about that either.
“I know that. And I know that I’m not perfect either. We’re going to grow and change together. I don’t expect you to be anything other than what you are. And you’ve changed so much since that first night. You’re more… you, if that makes any sense.” Words weren’t my strong suit at the moment.
“I just hope I don’t grow in the wrong direction. Toward the darkness instead of the light.” I turned around in his arms and made sure he was looking me in the eyes.
“You’ve never been dark. Not really, Fin. You just think you are. No one is entirely good or bad. Well, maybe Hitler. And sociopaths. But most people are shades of grey. No one is pure.” I could tell he really wanted to argue with me, but he stopped himself.
“Let’s not talk about this right now. I don’t want to spoil the night.”
“I had a wonderful time, Fin. I really did,” I said and he finally smiled.
“Then my work here is done.”
“Not quite,” I said as I leaned in to kiss him. There wouldn’t be any sex or canoodling or shagging tonight, but I planned on doing a whole lot more kissing.
I must have fallen asleep in the tub because the next thing I knew, I was waking up in Fin’s bed and my hair was still a little damp on the pillow. I opened my eyes and looked up to find Fin sitting next to me in just a pair of boxers with a book in hand. What a sight to wake up to.
“Hey,” I said, smiling at him and hoping my hair wasn’t a complete disaster.
He put his finger in his book and turned to give me a kiss on the forehead.
“Good morning, my Marisol. Did you sleep well?” I yawned and stretched, pointing my toes and wincing as my leg muscles protested.
“Who knew I’d get sore from waltzing? I feel like I hiked a mountain or something.” He put his book on the bedside table and turned on his side.
“Would you like some coffee?” I nodded and he went to the kitchen. I seized my moment to have some time alone in the bathroom. I quickly braided my hair back, brushed my teeth and washed my face. By the time Fin was back with coffee and breakfast, I was much more presentable.
“So I guess I fell asleep in the tub, huh?” I said as he laid out croissants and jam on the table that went over the bed.
“You did. I didn’t want to move you, but there wasn’t really a choice.” He seemed… distant this morning.
“You okay?” He gave me a quick smile that didn’t reach his eyes. It was a smile to make me think that he was fine. Nope, that wasn’t going to work anymore.
“I can tell you’ve been thinking a lot. You have your thinking face on.” He sipped his coffee and then set it down.
“What is my thinking face?”
“The one you’re wearing right now. I know you don’t sleep and that gives you more time to think about things you probably shouldn’t be thinking about.” It couldn’t be healthy to sleep as little as he did, but somehow he made it work.
He opened his mouth and I waited for him to tell me I was wrong, but he didn’t.
“You’re right. I do think about things too much. And they tend to be the bad things and not the good ones.” That was totally understandable. He’d had a lot of shitty things happen in his life. He wasn’t just going to get over those things in a few days or even a few years.
“Fin? Have you ever thought about therapy?” I almost cringed when I said it because I wasn’t sure how he would react. Something told me he wouldn’t much like the idea of therapy.
But he surprised me.
“Yes. I have. I think it’s something that I’m finally ready to face. I need to learn better coping mechanisms. And I need to start letting go of the damage that my father caused. I don’t want to go back to being the person I was when he controlled me. I can’t go back to that person.”
“You won’t,” I said, reaching out and taking his hand. “But you need to believe that.”
“I do. I think.” He laughed softly. “It’s going to take time.”
“We’ve got plenty of it.”
“True. So, how would you like to spend our time today?”
I leaned closer to him and he put his arm around me.
“This. And definitely some other stuff, if you know what I mean. But I’m so happy to just have you here that I don’t want to go anywhere.” Spending the day in bed with Fin was the perfect Sunday activity.
“Then that’s what we’ll do.”
So we did.
We watched movies and didn’t get dressed and ate whatever food was in the house and it was wonderful. Lazy and sweet and wonderful.
We were in the middle of watching Big Fish when Fin’s hand (the one not on my shoulder) started creeping over my chest. I pretended to ignore it, but at the same time, I slid my hand down his chest and stroked his boxers. He was already semi-hard and it didn’t take long for him to start pitching a tent. His breathing changed and I could feel his energy shifting into overdrive. Before I could realize what was happening, he was straddling me, pinning me to the bed.
“Oh, hello,” I said, smiling up at him.
“You cant’ start something and then not follow through, Mari Cherry.”
“I’m definitely planning on following through,” I said, squeezing him so he moaned a little. Ha. I got so much satisfaction from having him like this.
I squeezed again and he glared at me. I started stroking with my hand.
“If you let me move then I’ll follow through with my mouth,” I said and instantly the pressure was let off me.
“Good boy,” I said as I shimmied down the bed so I was level with the bulge in his boxers. I slid them down and pinched his ass before I took him in my mouth.
“Shit,” he said, throwing his head back. I smiled as I got to work.
“I’m going to get you for this,” he said as he thrust his hips to push himself further into my mouth. I pulled back so I could talk.
“God, I hope so.”
He did. Twice.
In the way back of my mind, I worried that somehow his father would find us. Even though he was on the run, I was still scared shitless of him. Like he was still chasing Fin. He probably always would be, but now Fin might be able to stand up to him. His father didn’t have any hold over him. No more secrets. No more lies.
I still hadn’t told Fin everything that had happened with my mother, but I was going to. I just needed to find the right time. He beat me to it Tuesday night at dinner.
“I feel terrible for not asking earlier, but how’s your mother doing?” I put my fork down and sighed.
“A lot has happened since you’ve been gone.” Concern stood out on his forehead and he reached across the table for my hand. We were at his place again. I was spending the nights, but I’d go home in the morning before class and then wouldn’t go over to his place until dinner. I wasn’t technically living with him.
I sighed and told him about Glenna and how my mom’s condition had deteriorated.
“I never know what I’m going to get. Some days she’s her old self and some days she’s far away. She’s a pain in the ass either way, but it’s easier to deal with her when she’s lucid. She comes up with all kinds of crazy things when she’s out of it.” Sometimes it was a chore just to figure out what the hell she was talking about. Then she’d get frustrated with me and I’d get frustrated and it usually ended with me having to leave the room and take a few minutes to cool down.
Fin held my hand for the entire story and when I was done, he got up and put his arms around me.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. So sorry. I wasn’t there for you.” I hugged him back. This was why I didn’t want to tell him.
“It’s okay, Fin. You were going through your own nightmare. And I think it’s good I had to face this on my own. It made me grow up and leave all that bullshit between me and my parents behind. We still have our moments, but our relationship is so much better now. That’s messed up, but true.” He rubbed his hands up and down my back and pulled back so he could look at my face.
“Really?”
“Really,” I said with complete confidence. “Things with them are good. Or at least as good as they can be. And Glenna is awesome. She was a great support when you were away.” His face fell again, and I reached out to hold his chin.
“Hey. It’s okay. You were doing what you needed to do. I’m not angry or upset or resentful. Not even one tiny little sliver. I have no regrets. You hear me?” He nodded and I gave him a kiss.
“I love you, Marisol,” he said after I broke the kiss.
“I love you, too.” He smiled again and went back to his seat.
“Maybe I could come with you when you visit your parents. I mean, I’ve already met them once.” I cringed, remembering. That hadn’t been the ideal first meeting and I’d like to forget it if I could.
“I’m sure Glenna would love to meet you. But it would be better if we did it on a day Mom is lucid. Less confusing for both of you.” He nodded.
“That sounds good. Just let me know when you want me to come and I’ll be there.” God, I loved him.
“You’re the best,” I said.
“No, I’m not. But I can try to be for you.”
“That’s all I ask for.”
Things were spectacular. And then I ran into Chase at the library when I was returning a book. I’d been avoiding it and studying at Fin’s because I didn’t want to run into him. I mean, I hadn’t done anything wrong, but it was just an awkward situation.
“Hey, long time no see. Where have you been?” he asked. He smiled at me brightly and I felt like crap.
“Just busy.” Ugh, I didn’t want to do this. “Um, there’s no other way to say this, but remember that guy I told you about?” He nodded and I could tell he wasn’t pleased, but he put on a huge smile anyway. Oh, he was going to make some girl out there so happy. It just wasn’t me.
“Well, he came back and we’re together again. I wish I could explain the whole thing, but it’s a really long and insane story.” He probably wouldn’t believe a lot of it.
“That’s great,” he said. “Are you happy? You look happy.”
Now it was my turn to beam.
“I am happy. So much that I want to yell on rooftops and run around skipping and I can’t stop smiling. That kind of love.”
“Good, I’m really happy for you.” He seemed to start pulling away.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I was just so wrapped up in him that I forgot about everything else for a few days. But I definitely need my study buddy.” It sounded juvenile to call him that, but I didn’t know what else to call him.
“Awesome. What about Thursday night?”
“Sure, that sounds great. Five? Our usual table?” He nodded and then leaned forward to envelope me in a hug. I hugged him back, and he let go quickly. Like he was worried about hugging me too long. How sweet.
“I’ll see you then. Oh, and I’m happy for you. Really.” Chase didn’t sound totally convinced and I hated myself a little inside.
“Thanks,” I said, giving him another smile. “See you on Thursday?”
“See you on Thursday,” he said before he headed back to his table. Maybe I could find someone for him. If only Chloe was straight. Speaking of her, she texted me just as I was leaving the library.
Have you gotten out of bed yet, or are your legs still wrapped around Fin?
I snorted and called her instead of replying.
“No, my legs are not still wrapped around him. I’m just headed home. Where are you?”
“At work. Or hell. They’re the same thing.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Whatever. I just wanted to check in and see if your lady bits had been rubbed raw yet.” I made a face. Sometimes I hated the way she described things.
“No. I’m good. But thanks for your concern.”
“You’re welcome. How are things going?” I told her about Fin being back for good and that he’d asked me to move in with him.
“Are you going to?”
“I want to. But it’s way too soon. Way too soon. He just got back.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” Damn her. I hated when she was perceptive.
“It’s crazy, Chlo. We haven’t been together long-term yet. Long-distance isn’t the same as being with someone every day.”
“You’re scared,” she said.
“Obviously. This could all blow up in my face.” I hailed a cab and told him my address.
“Look, I’ll be out of work in ten minutes. I’m coming over and we’re going to talk about his. Okay?” She was going to come over whether I liked it or not.
“Sounds good. I’ll get the wine out.” She laughed.
“You know me so well.”
I had a glass of wine waiting for Chloe when she buzzed me to let her in. It was the first thing she reached for when she walked through the door.
“Dear God, I need this today. I’ll tell you about it later, but right now we need to talk about you and Fin.” She dragged me over to the couch and forced me to sit down.
“I pretty much told you everything.” Well, not everything. She didn’t know about Sapphire. Or his insane father. Or a lot of things. I hated keeping secrets from her, but they weren’t my secrets to tell. They belonged to Fin.
“So what’s holding you back from moving in with him?” I couldn’t exactly put it into words, but I was going to try.
“He’s so wonderful and I love him so much and I guess I’m afraid it’s too good to be true. That he isn’t everything that I think he is. That we’ll move in together and then I’ll find out something about him, or he’ll find something about me and that will end it an
d I don’t think I can deal with it ending again.” Never again.
“Right. That’s all true. But if you don’t try, and don’t give this relationship everything you have, then what’s the point? It’s scary as hell throwing caution to the wind, but sometimes you have to take a huge risk to get a huge reward.” She’d taken a huge risk with Harmony and the reward hadn’t paid off. That was what I worried about. Because she’d been destroyed when that relationship ended. Utterly destroyed.
“I know you’re scared, but don’t let that stop you from something that could turn out to be everything you think it’s going to be. What if he is wonderful and your relationship is the kind everyone dreams about? Would you give that up because you’re scared? No, it’s not going to be perfect, but sometimes you can get pretty damn close.” She was right, I knew in my soul. I was giving into fear. Still, I just needed some more time to be ready to make that leap.
“Look, you don’t have to decide anything right now. You have time. And I don’t think Fin is going anywhere. He’s obsessed with you.” I laughed.
“I’m pretty obsessed with him. I guess it’s because so much has gone wrong so far that I keep expecting things to go wrong.” There I go again.
“Things will go wrong. And you’ll learn how to face it together.” Now she sounded like me and I sounded like Fin. I wasn’t so confident when he wasn’t with me. It gave my brain time to wonder about all the bad stuff.
“When did you become good at giving love advice?” I asked.
“I have no idea. I feel like I’m just repeating lines I heard in movies.” That made both of us laugh and she drained the rest of her wine.
“Okay, enough about me. Tell me about your day.” She rolled her eyes and set her glass down.
“Well it all started when one of our waxers gave a girl a Brazilian by accident…”
“You’re late. I was just about to call and see where you were,” Fin said when I let myself into his apartment.
“Sorry. Chloe came over to chat and we lost track of time.” He smiled and came to give me a kiss before we walked back to the kitchen together.
Deep Surrendering: Episode Eleven Page 5
