“Hi, Mum.”
“Hey, honey. How are you?”
“I’m…”
“Honey, is everything alright? You didn’t come home this weekend.”
I opened my mouth to speak, a bit of courage surfacing from within me, when I heard someone cheering at the other end. It sounded like one of Mum’s friends had won the card game.
“You’re at Mary’s?” I asked, swallowing my courage.
“Yes, baby. What is wrong? I can be on the campus in a couple of hours.”
There was a general disapproving sound amongst her friends that made me realize that, no matter how much I needed my mother, she needed a break more.
She had spent a lot of years being there for me, supporting my every wish and protecting me from unpleasant things. She was finally free of this duty and I could take care of myself.
I cleared my throat, making sure my voice didn't flutter as I spoke.
“No, Mum. I’m just a little bit tired. You go on and win everything over there, OK?”
“Are you sure, baby?”
“That I want you to take every penny off your friends? Absolutely!”
She chuckled. “OK, baby. Get some rest, you don't sound too well. Maybe you should see someone.”
“I’m fine, Mum. Nothing a nap wouldn’t solve.”
She insisted a bit more that I should see a doctor, before I made her hang up and have fun.
A tear escaped, despite my best efforts and I wiped it fast, like it was a sin to dwell in self pity.
I couldn’t shake the emptiness swirling inside me. I looked at the bouquet of white flowers Alex had sent me, apologizing for what he had done to me, hoping that it would help me feel better, but it didn’t.
Unconsciously, I touched my left cheek, my fingers trembling.
No, I wasn’t weak. And I was definitely not going to bother my mother with small matters like this. It had only been a slap, the heat of the moment too much for an A type personality like Alex. He was a leader, used to command every group he had ever joined, and I had been wrong to argue anyway.
Besides, he had apologized a couple of times since. He really regretted the incident, who was I to overthink everything like a drama queen?
No, I was fine.
To reinforce my decision, I stood up, pulled my shoulders back and pointed my chin sharp ahead.
I had a seminar to attend to, there was no time to weep for minor things I couldn’t change. Instead, I would have coffee with Alex and talk things through. He was a reasonable guy, and we had six months together behind us. It meant something.
I grabbed my phone and texted him, then went to take a shower. When I got out, I hurried to check for his reply. There was none.
Strangely relieved for his lack of reaction, I chose to ignore the thought that he wasirreverentlyignoring me. I decided, instead, to occupy my mind with some papers I had to read for next week.
Half an hour into my study, the phone rang.
“Hey, Alex.”
“Hi, babe. I’m free now. Wanna have that coffee?”
“I’m in the middle of something. Can we do this after my seminar?”
“Look, you wanted to talk. Either now or next week. I’m away with my family this weekend.”
The prospect of being apart from him, not long ago sad news, seemed like something I could live with. Maybe I could avoid the talk; I had been dreading it from the moment I had pressed send on that text.
“OK. I’ll see what I can do. But I guess it could wait until next week.”
“Fine. I postpone my own things because you say you want to talk and you find something to get busy with. That’s not very nice.”
“I’m sorry…”
“I gotta go.”
He hang up without another word, leaving me torn between this strange new feeling of relief and guilt for my rudeness. I almost called him back, but managed to stop myself. I needed to finish my reading.
***
“Hurry up! Jane is not going to wait for us forever,” shouted my roommate, bursting into my room.
I pulled my top down fast, to hide the bruise on my stomach. My cheeks burned as I turned to face her. I couldn’t even look at my roommate as I mumbled that I was almost ready.
“Well, come on. We’re not going to have this ride forever. Jane’s father is taking the car back in two hours.”
“I’ll be out in a minute, Sarah. Just give me a minute, OK?”
She left, scolding me under her breath.
I sighed, struggling to stop myself from crying. I didn’t have time to repair my makeup.
A gulp of cold water helped me regain some composure, so I could join Sarah and Jane in the parking lot.
“Girl, you take a long time to get ready! I almost left without you,” Jane said, starting the engine.
“It doesn’t matter now. We’re going to this concert. Let’s go!”
Sarah had been eager to see this band ever since they announced their first concert. She was really into indie rock and somehow managed to obtain VIP tickets, whatever they entailed for such a little known band, from one lucky geek last week.
I was grateful to Sarah for preventing Jane’s inquiry into every little detail that didn’t sit right with her. She had a way of getting the most hidden truth out of me and I didn’t want this truth out in the open.
It took great effort to keep up appearances for my friends. I couldn’t enjoy the evening, as I was too preoccupied with hiding my bruises; not the physical ones, Alex had been careful to hit me where no one could see. My pain was greater on the inside, where I couldn’t lie to myself. I was a failure, there was no way around it.
How else would I have missed the signs and gotten fooled by this guy? Only a failed human being could put up with such a treatment.
And, come to think of it, Alex was right. “If you’re taking it, that means you deserve it. Anyone else would’ve left.” His words made sense.
The hardest part was that I knew my mother would’ve ripped him apart. While that prospect seemed reassuring, I couldn’t help but hurt more at the disappointment I would cause her.
The daughter she was so proud of turns out to be just a doormat. She would never be able to look at me the same way again.
And all of that would come on top of the sadness and pity she would feel for me. She was just getting her life back together, finally dating a nice man and going out with friends that brightened her day. How could I upset her with my misery? It wasn’t worth it, it was my mess to deal with.
Jane had charmed a guy into buying us drinks all night and I took advantage. The alcohol burned, I wasn't used to it, but it washed the thoughts away. Soon, I wasn’t capable of hurting coherently anymore. The mangled pain felt better, as harsh thoughts stopped being so clear and sharp in my mind.
In the morning, I woke up in my bed. Not at the dorm, but my bed at home. On the nightstand next to me, Mum had left aspirin and a glass of water. I sat up, trying to remember how I got there, but all I could think of was how disappointed my mother must be. I was petrified, wishing that all was just a bad dream.
“Honey? Are you up?” I heard Mum whisper from outside the door. “Honey?”
I cleared my throat, my cheeks burning even if she couldn’t see me.
“I’m fine, Mum.”
“Did you take that aspirin?”
“You can come in, Mum. Yes, I took it. Thank you.”
I heard the door but I couldn’t look her way. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
After a full minute, she chuckled. I looked up, curios.
“Oh, honey. You were so drunk last night,” she said, trying hard not to laugh.
“I… You’re not mad?”
She finally couldn’t hold back anymore. She laughed out loud until tears welled up in her eyes. It almost made me smile. She was cheerful, which meant things were not as bad as I imagined them to be.
“What’s so funny in here?” a man asked from out in the h
allway.
My eyes widened in surprise as Mum tried to draw enough air to speak.
“Who’s that, Mum?”
“He’s… That’s George.”
“Oh. Nice to meet you, George!” I shouted through the door. “Can you give me a minute to get decent?”
“By all means. I’ll just wait downstairs for you, ladies.”
All I needed was my mother’s boyfriend to see me like this. I made an effort and managed to drop my feet over the edge of the bed, but I had moved too fast. A wave of nausea stopped me from going any further. Then, the headache I vaguely remembered from last night came back with renewed strength.
“Come, I’ll make you your father’s hangover remedy.”
“Are you sure you’re not mad?”
I grabbed a bathrobe on my way to the bathroom, avoiding to get changed in front of my mother. My bruises were not a sight for her eyes.
“No, honey, I’m not mad. You were bound to get drunk at some point in your life. I’m just glad you asked your friend's father to drive you home.”
“Jane’s father? Oh, God…”
“Yeah,” Mother managed before succumbing to another episode of laughter.
“God, I’m sorry, Mum.”
“Don’t worry, honey. But you might have to take it up to Jane’s father when you get back.”
“I’ll apologize to him too. Pay for gas, maybe.”
“And the cleaning bill.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Did I…?”
“All over the backseat. I don’t know what you girls had to drink, but there was a lot of color in the fabric.”
“Oh, my God. All I needed now to complete the picture of shame is puking on Mr Martin’s backseat. Great.”
I came back out of the bathroom, realizing I had forgotten to get a change of clothes. Mum intercepted me and went for a hug. I cringed, my brain thinking that she was going to hit me, just like Alex liked to.
My reticence seemed to give Mum pause, but I wrapped my hands around her waist quickly, to distract her.
“OK, Mum, I need to take a shower. I’ll be downstairs in a minute.”
“I’ll get started on that remedy. Oh, and, Eva?”
“Yes, Mum?”
“Next week I was thinking we could go on a weekend together. Me, you, George and his son, David. To know each other better.”
“But next weekend is Alex’s frat party.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s a nice guy.”
I smiled bitterly, but my heart was already racing at the thought of having to tell him about this trip. He certainly was a nice guy when people were around, but I was the only one who knew what sort of person he was behind closed doors.
“We’ll be downstairs, honey. We’ll talk about this, OK?”
I nodded and hurried into the bathroom, as anxiety was worsening my nausea. “He is going to be so mad at me,” I said to myself, as I doubled over the toilet.
***
I breathed deeply, trying to settle my racing heart. I was still on the train, I still had time to prepare to meet Alex, I still had time to calm my nerves.
Only that my nerves didn’t want to calm down. The more I tried to think about relaxing, the more anxious I got.
“This isn’t working, I need coffee,” I decided and rummaged through my bag for the thermos Mum had prepared for me.
I took a sip and leaned back. I needed to think, I needed to find a way to deal with this.
The fact was that I knew Alex would get mad when he’d hear about my weekend trip. He would make sure to torture me in any way until Friday night; but this wasn’t the problem, I could get through that. As I had come to know him, I knew he will try to prevent me from going, regardless of the fact that I wanted to or that my mother had asked me to be there. He had no such scruples.
“Today is Wednesday,” I started strategizing. “Alex wants me to come by his place. I have to tell him, but how?”
I frowned, thinking really hard about my options, when another idea came to mind. “What if…?” Did I really need to tell him today? After all, there was plenty of time until Friday to do it, and there was no shortage of opportunities.
As the idea started to look more and more promising, I began to relax. I wasn’t doing anything bad, I wasn’t going to lie to him. It was only a matter of delaying the inevitable.
I smiled to myself, and reached for a book I had brought for the ride.
Mum’s selection of romantic stories offered a wide range of styles and could have satisfied even the most unromantic reader. The historical romance I had picked up, an easy read, kept me delightful company for the two-hour train ride and the short subway commute back to the campus.
My roommate was out when I arrived so I had the place to myself to get ready for my date with Alex. I was feeling so good about my ingenious solution, that I even had the energy to doll up for the date.
That energy lasted all evening and helped me get through an unexpected frat meeting that I had to attend with Alex, after which I was surprised to learn he wanted to take me out for dinner.
I felt good. I smiled, I joked, I made out with my boyfriend, then spent the night in his room. In the morning, I hurried back to my dorm and got ready for an early class.
Thursdays were always busy days.I had a lot of classes and club meetings to attend, this week was no different. Being so busy was fortunate because, as soon as, I got my first break, I started feeling anxious again.
Tomorrow I was leaving. I had already talked to one of my professors about missing his class in the afternoon, and was planning on packing a bag in the morning, before the only other class I had to attend.
But I still had to tell Alex. The fact that he had just sent me a text about the plans he had made for us for the weekend didn’t do anything to lessen my worries.
“Breathe,” I told myself, grasping the paper cup. “Breathe. Everything will be alright.”
It was a lie. Nothing would be alright. As soon as Alex found out about my trip, he’d make me suffer. I knew it and I feared it.
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.
There had to be a better way of dealing with this. Or maybe I should just man up and take whatever was coming my way.
“Hey, babe, aren’t you going to fill that?” I heard Sarah behind me. Her voice had startled me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled and fumbled with the small plastic tap. I hadn’t noticed how hard my hands were shaking until I had to struggle to keep the cup still under the tap.
“Hey, I just found out that my date won’t be free tomorrow night so my schedule is wide open. What do you say we go out?”
“I can’t, I leave at five.”
“Oh, that trip with your folks?”
I nodded. Then, I felt the overwhelming need to kiss Sarah for inspiring yet another idea for my situation.
“Hey, if you don’t have anything to do tomorrow, maybe you can join me and Alex for a coffee. Just before I leave, you know?” I said, hopeful.
“Protect you from Alex’s rage when he finds out you’re leaving for the weekend?”
I frowned, trying to contain the ice that was taking over my core. How did she know?
Her laugh didn’t make any sense.
“OMG, girl. You should see your face!”
“What?”
“Relax, I was joking. I’m not accusing your boyfriend. I’m sure he’s the nicest guy.”
I let out a long breath, relieved she didn’t know anything about my secret.
“Yeah, sure. You’re very funny,” I tried to chastise her, but my voice was shaky. “I’ll see you back at the dorm.” I needed to get away from her, away from anyone I knew. My nerves were wrecked by her innocent remark. If only she knew how much truth it held.
That evening, I pretended I was ill and went to bed early. I couldn’t sleep, but I didn’t come out of my bedroom until dawn. I was afraid Alex wo
uld call Sarah, as he often did, and check up on me. It was enough that I had a difficult task ahead, the prospect of upsetting him with my lie was not something I enjoyed.
Alex had classes all Friday morning, so I was fairly calm as I packed. Then, I tried to keep my mind occupied with reading. In the two hours left before my meeting with him, I managed to get a few weeks worth of course reading done. It didn’t make me feel any better, as my mind was too anxious to retain any of the information.
Bliss: A Step Brother Romance Page 2
