“I don’t know the details but I know that he’s Mathis’ twin and he passed away surfing,’’ I said delicately, watching her face like a hawk to make sure I wouldn’t trespass any boundaries she had regarding the loss of her brother. But her face remained calm and sad.
“I don’t remember much of that day. I was a small kid, but I remember my mother’s cries, my father’s hoarse voice calling out for Max, but mostly…’’ she cleared her throat and her eyes fell to her lap, efficiently hiding the shine of unshed tears in them. “Mostly I remember Mathis’ screams. He wouldn’t stop.’’ She shook her head and took a deep breath before her eyes locked on mine, chilling me to my bones as I pictured Mathis, younger and in so much pain. It was hard to reconcile that image with the man he had become, but after witnessing his breakdown yesterday I knew it wasn’t so farfetched to imagine him a completely different kid. “God, Lila, Mathis was such a mess. A neighbor had to call 911 to sedate him. He wouldn’t stop screaming and he wanted to go in the ocean to find Max. I remember that part like it happened yesterday.’’
“I’m sorry, Megan. I shouldn’t have prodded for more details,’’ I said and looked away to chance a look at Mrs. McCarthy who was now on her way down the hall and away from us. Looking at my sister in-law, the nightmare of that day was painfully etched on her face making my own heart break for this family. I would have never expected to feel so much for the Grimes family and in a way, I never would have expected to see where my husband was coming from and understanding him a little more.
“No, it’s fine. That day changed all of us and I don’t think that never talking about it is healthy.’’
“But talking is painful. I’m pretty sure revisiting such a day is extremely hard.’’
She nodded her assent and shrugged her delicate shoulders. “In a way it was easier for me. I was very young and I don’t remember Max very well. I remember that I used to be a lot closer to Mathis and he was the one always playing with me. After Max’s death, Mathis stopped playing. Actually, he stopped laughing, smiling and so on. He… changed completely. My father did too.’’ She shook her head and forced a shaky smile. “Anyway, let’s talk about you more. I don’t think commiserating here will change anything.’’
“There’s not much to say about me,’’ I said with a frozen smile as I realized that she was about to turn the tables. After sharing with me such a hard memory I couldn’t possibly deny her some answers to her questions. After all, it was only natural if she wanted to know a little more about the woman who married her big brother.
“I know nothing about you other than the fact that you’ve spent four years at Carter Manor. Actually, before Mathis told us he was engaged I had never heard of Carter Manor.’’
“Believe me, it’s not as glamorous as one could imagine. In that regard, your father wasn’t too much out of the mark when he labeled me an escort.’’
“Oh come on,’’ she replied with an eye roll. “My father was awful to you and he overstepped his boundaries. And I don’t really want to know anything about Carter Manor. I just want to know about your life before that. I mean, how come you decided to go to that place?’’
“Hm…’’ I glanced at the huge windows overlooking buildings in Manhattan and the gray sky announcing some rain. These gray colors, that’s what came to mind first. “If there was no family at the wedding on my side it’s because I don’t have any.’’ I glanced back at Megan and found her watching me intently without any judgment on her soft face, only interest. “This needs to stay between us, all right? I don’t want your brother to know everything regarding my past yet. Actually, I don’t think he’s interested anyway.’’
“If that’s what you want, it’ll stay between us.’’
I nodded and reminded myself of all the times at the Manor when it was drilled into us that we should have complete control over our emotions, our thoughts and that we shouldn’t let them rule us. I sat straighter and forced my hands to open flat on my thighs instead of the tight fists they had been in.
“I was in foster care growing up, bouncing from home to home. Most of them were quite awful and at seventeen I ran away. I only had a few months in the system left anyway and then I’d have been on my own. At first I managed to find a job and rent a room in the seediest part of New York, but I soon ran out of cash and I ended up on the streets.’’ At her alarming gaze I smiled ruefully. “I wasn’t a prostitute. I was… well, I didn’t have a roof over my head or three meals a day.’’ I shrugged as if that would show that that period of my life still didn’t haunt me. It was a lie. “I was growing desperate and then I saw in the newspaper an ad for some kind of test that would pay a nice sum in cash so I thought I’d just do it. That’s how I was recruited for Carter Manor and I was in no position to refuse. I was so desperate that I didn’t think of the consequences of such a choice.’’ I sighed and looked around the luxurious apartment. “At least I now have a roof over my head, three meals a day and nice clothes to wear.’’
“It must have been…’’ she trailed off, her eyes full of compassion as she stared at me, probably seeing me in another light.
Knowing that my past wasn’t a secret anymore made me want to wriggle and escape her scrutiny, but I held on. I wouldn’t shy from where I came from. My past life built me as much if not more than my time spent at Carter Manor because while at Carter Manor I was taught how to behave in high society, my life before taught me how to be resilient, how to be strong and how you had to protect the softest parts of yourself if you didn’t want to lose yourself entirely. I had to remember those lessons.
“It’s in the past.’’
“But why don’t you want Mathis to know? I mean, he’s your husband even if this isn’t a conventional marriage.’’
“Megan, come on,’’ I said, dropping all pretenses. My shoulders slouched. “This is a mess. Your brother and I have nothing in common. This is a business arrangement and I don’t think he’s really that interested in my past. All he cares about is that I fulfill my duty as his wife in the face of his clients.’’ What I didn’t say was that he also wanted me to spread my legs just to better break me and make me submit to him, losing that last parcel of will and of myself to this marriage, to him.
“If you don’t try to make it work, it’s going to be a nightmare.’’
I smiled, but the smile was painful to my face. It couldn’t hide the despair that sometimes appeared and took over my whole self to push away my strength and shields so carefully built over the years.
“My life had been a nightmare for a very long time. I’m used to it.’’
MATHIS
With the door to my office wide open I was all too aware of my employees nearby, rendering the urge to swear loudly. Instead, I was reduced to clenching my hands into tight fists on top of my desk on either side of the keyboard while I made a good attempt at cracking my teeth with the way I gritted them.
“Sir?’’ Jonatan’s voice interrupted my growing need to erupt into a nasty litany of curses.
I stared at my assistant standing hesitantly in his suit on the threshold with documents in hand. Jonatan was a year younger than me, which was rather young to make him my assistant, but he had been there almost from the get-go and more than once he had showed me his skills at handling everything I would throw at him. I was demanding in most aspects of my life, but I believed that my job made me exceptionally demanding and I always expected the utmost efficiency in my employees.
“Good, you’re here. I need you to put my wife through for me and hold off any other calls until further notice.’’
He nodded and walked in, holding the documents for me to see. “Right away, sir. Here are the reports from ProTech you asked for. I don’t really know why they sent them to me, but I printed them.’’
I grabbed the documents and threw them over the keyboard. “I’ve been asking for these reports since last Wednesday. It’s Monday. They knew how I’d react upon receiving them so late.’’ I shook m
y head and muttered under my breath, “Cowards.’’
“Do you want… uh… a coffee, sir?’’
I glared at Jonatan, knowing full well that he was hoping I wouldn’t say yes. Considering I was a ticking bomb today, more caffeine in my blood made my explosion more imminent.
“No. Put my wife through on the phone and then filter incoming calls for me. That will be all for now.’’
He nodded and promptly left my office, walking noticeably faster than when he came in. When the door closed after him I leaned back in my chair and let my eyes fall on the thick platinum band on my finger. It still felt foreign and not just the ring, but also the fact that I was a married man, that I gave my name to a woman, that I had someone at home, sharing my bed.
If I had had any doubts regarding my choice to marry before today, this hell of a day told me I made the right call.
The phone on the desk rang and I immediately picked it up. “Lila?’’
“Why did your assistant call me? You couldn’t have done it yourself?’’
No doubt there, it was my wife. “Don’t push me,’’ I growled in the phone and turned my chair around to face the view, hoping that the buildings around and the outside world as a whole would calm me down enough not to bite the head of the person I needed the help of. Knowing my wife’s temperament I needed to know when to push and when not to if I didn’t want her to embarrass me. That’s the downside of following my damn cock instead of playing it safe and picking another woman at Carter Manor that would have been so bland and polished I would have known without a doubt what to expect in any and all situations.
Silence stretched out until I sighed loudly into the phone. “Remember when I told you that marrying you was for business?’’
“It’s not like it’s anything else, so yes.’’
She’s a real pain. I leaned back further in the chair and brought a hand to my mouth, tracing my lower lip with my finger. “Good. Then let’s put to good use your training from the Manor tonight.’’
“Tonight? What’s—‘’
“Can you listen to me at least once without questioning me?’’ I asked brusquely, my voice betraying how frazzled I truly was when I would have liked to let only a peek of my annoyance and maybe short fuse. That shut her up. “I had to invite a couple for dinner at home tonight. The man is difficult. We’re supposed to be working together on a merger for one of my companies and he’s trying to find anything to back out. It started out with the fact that I was only invested in my work and had no real family life and now it’s time to prove him wrong and hopefully unstick the situation.’’
I raked a hand through my hair in frustration at having to explain myself when it came to my business. I had never had to before. I wasn’t in any tight spot, but if I wanted to keep progressing in my business endeavor and if I wanted to take the next step, I needed to put my pride aside and let my wife inso she could fulfill her duty, the very reason why she wasn’t Lila Hodge anymore, but Lila Grimes.
“We need to play the blissfully happy couple and I need to show my hostess skills. Is that right?’’ she resumed with assurance, her voice distant.
“In a fucking nutshell.’’
She sighed and I could just about picture her tight mouth, the fire in her eyes and her cursory look around my place. Our place.
“All right. Don’t you worry about dinner. Send me a text with these people’s names and maybe a thing or two I should know about them so I don’t feel too much out of the loop.’’ I heard her heels clacking on the floor as she started walking. “What time should we expect them?’’
“Eight sharp.’’
“Good. Everything will be ready by then.’’
I stood up and walked closer to the huge windows overlooking the city. “Lila…’’ I trailed off in warning.
“Shut up. I know what I’m doing. You won’t recognize the doting wife you married.’’ She stopped walking, the clacking of her heels gone through the receiver. “Don’t forget to text me.’’
She hung up without waiting for me to say something and it made me smirk. She was defiant in everything.
I turned around to put down the receiver and then faced the view once again.
Most days I found myself thinking that the world was fucking mine for the taking and I could easily discard my reasons for seeking something like that when I already had more money than I would ever spend, but at that moment I didn’t feel tall and strong. I felt small, lost and frustrated.
Things were out of my hands and I wasn’t used to it. For years, everything I had achieved was my doing. Tonight, everything was in Lila’s hands, a woman who despised me, who drove me crazy in all ways. A woman that fascinated me.
A dangerous woman for me, both as a businessman, and as a man.
***
LILA
I checked one last time the table set for four and smiled to myself. After rummaging through the cupboards to find suitable plates and glasses for that special dinner, I finally found elegant light gray plates and glasses of a modern shape that perfectly suited the modern lines of the apartment.
I had been running around all afternoon to get everything in order and finding a caterer willing to work on short notice hadn’t been easy, that was, until I dropped my name and the connection was made that I was Mathis Grimes’ wife. It’s funny how our society worked. A well-known name placed and suddenly doors opened.
Anyway, I was quite proud of my first foray as a trophy wife. It’s sad to realize that I was happy to do exactly what I had been taught to do at Carter Manor when I had been rejecting that role.
In one afternoon I morphed into the perfect little trophy wife Mathis had been looking for. And I was now feeling more in control, more as if I wasn’t so lost anymore. What a joke.
I sighed and straightened a silver knife before I stepped away from the table. I nodded at the nice contrast between the simple white tablecloth and the dark gray table settings under the light gray plates.
I risked another glance at the time displayed on the Blu-ray player and shook my head. The guests would be here in ten minutes! If Mathis wasn’t here to greet them…
I’d rather not pursue that train of thought. Instead, I stalked to my cell phone discarded on the coffee table and grabbed it, ready to send a text I hoped would show more my impatience than my rising panic at the thought of doing this on my own. But right before I started typing the front door opened and closed loudly.
I ran, not a care in the world of my stilettos that could very well break my ankle if I tripped and sighed when I saw Mathis wearing a different suit than the one he wore upon leaving the apartment. A thought crossed my mind then.
Had he been with another woman?
I had no business caring about such a thing, but somehow my stomach stumbled and revolted. I was thankful for my light lunch otherwise I wondered how I’d be able to push through my nausea.
“You’re late!’’ I blurted instead, slightly out of breath as I put down my phone on the console table in the entry hall. “And you’ve changed.’’
Mathis stared at me, his eyes going from my simple yet elegant bun with only a few discreet strands encasing my perfectly made up face and then to my body hugged by a midnight blue wrap dress stopping just above my knees. I felt his dark eyes caressing my curves, briefly stopping at my breasts covered by the supple fabric. My heart sped up and my skin tingled, but I resisted and didn’t fidget under his intense gaze. Then, his eyes went to my stilettos and for a reason I couldn’t explain his stare burned even more there.
His lips stretched into a wry smirk as he brought a finger to his lower lip, tracing it once as if he just savored a delicious meal.
I gasped quietly.
“I changed at work. I always keep a couple of suits there.’’ He snatched his phone and keys from his pocket and put everything in the big bowl on the table console, a bowl that probably cost more than you’d expect upon seeing its simple round shape and the clear material that see
med to be glass and nothing more fancy. “Why, jealous?’’
I rolled my eyes and turned around, shaking my head with annoyance. I could kiss my composure, poise and nonchalance goodbye. Having guests had me more nervous than I would have expected, but upon hearing the nerves in my husband’s voice early that day had conveyed the importance of tonight. Even if I didn’t value my marriage, I didn’t want to screw up such a simple task that any woman should be able to fulfill, not just a woman trained at Carter Manor.
“Good,’’ he said behind me as he walked in the vast room where the table was set. “And the food?’’
I faced him then and shrugged. “I called your mother so she could refer me to a good caterer. I didn’t pick a wine as I’m sure you’d rather do that yourself.’’
“I must admit that seeing you so compliant is very odd,’’ he said and left the room for the open-floor kitchen where his wine cave waited for him in the pantry.
I glanced back at the table and bit my lower lip, not caring if it’d take off some of my lipstick. Two parts of me were going off inside me. One part — the wild one — cursed me for doing exactly what was expected of me while the other one — the tame and polished — praised me for a first task well done.
Mathis’ dress shoes announced his return, but I didn’t turn around to face him. Instead, I went to the huge windows opening to the city outside where lights made it appear as if stars were shining in a dark sky. The view was very different from the darkest streets where dumpsters and rats lived among lost souls.
“No comeback? I must admit I’m almost disappointed.’’
“What do you want me to say? I can’t fight with you when you want me to behave for your guests. You can’t possibly have it both ways, Mathis.’’
He walked closer to me until his warmth basked my back. He didn’t have to touch me for me to perceive his all encompassing presence. He sucked the air out of me without doing much of anything.
“Something on your mind?’’ His voice, rough, trailed down my spine.
Be A Doll: A Carter Manor Novel Page 12
