I wanted him, and I wasn’t going to deny myself any more. Jolin came, I’d run. It would hurt to leave Dane, but I had to take what I could get. Life didn’t give you all fun and no pain. But some of the pain went all the way down to the marrow of the bone, never to be let out.
Dane was my reprieve from the fear, the loneliness, the monotonous play my life had turned into. Therefore, it was time to enjoy him. And that was what I set out to do.
Live.
Laugh.
Enjoy.
And that was exactly what I did that night. I told him as much as I could without giving myself away and listened to when he spoke to me filing it all way.
He not once let go of my hand, even when the food came. We had that connection the entire time, and I grasped on to it like a lifeline. I needed it more than he could possibly know.
The drive back to my place was peaceful, and Dane hadn’t let go of my hand once again. Even squeezing it from time to time to let me know he was thinking of me.
Loved that.
“What about your family, Hannah? I know you lived with your grandparents, what are your fondest moments,” he asked and while I thought I’d flinch or freak out, I didn’t. With him, I was calm.
“Since my mom died before I could have a memory, Gramma always wanted to give me special moments for her. So on her birthday every year, Gramma and I would bake her a cake. Whatever kind I wanted.” I smiled thinking back. “One year I wanted to make her a rainbow cake. Only I used too much food coloring. After my grampa brushed his teeth they were still different colors. Gramma had to tell him.” I could picture it like yesterday. “He spent thirty minutes using mouthwash to get the colors off his teeth because he had a meeting at work that same day.” Dane took in every word I said. “I never knew my dad, but my grandparents were told he died when I was about five. After that, Gramma set out to have a day to celebrate him too. So I got cake two times extra every year, whatever I wanted. It was almost like having three birthdays when I was younger. Gramma is the only one I have left, but she has dementia and can’t remember me ninety-nine percent of the time I see her. The days of cakes are long gone and nothing more than memories for me to hold onto.”
“That has to be hard.”
My head nodded. “It is. While I remember fun times like camping, playing board games, and helping Grampa build things, she doesn’t remember any of it. She doesn’t even remember her name. No matter how hard I tried to pull her out of it, it never worked. Finally, I gave that up.”
I took a huge steadying breath. “Now when I see her, it’s like meeting a stranger each time and it cuts me deep.”
“That has to be challenging. Do you see her a lot?”
When he asked the questions a piercing pain hit my heart. Even though she didn’t know who I was, I knew who she was and just how much she meant to me. I knew what she loved to cook. What she loved to do outside in the garden. Those were the times I remembered now.
Going to her room to see her like she was now had been difficult for years, and being this far away from her hurt. She may not know, but I did.
“Not really.”
“If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?” he asked me, and it took me off guard for the moment because the first thing that popped into my mind was being safe, and I didn’t know how to tell him that without giving away my problems.
It was a balancing act that I’d done well with so far, but that could be over at any time. The scales always had a reason to tip and it was never in my favor.
I also wasn’t going to tell him something like meet my favorite movie star or something like that because none of that mattered. If anything my situation had taught me what was important and what was not.
“I just want to be happy, Dane.”
His jaw got hard before he relaxed it. “You’re not now?”
This was tricky, but I opened the door and had to walk through it. “I am.” I turned to him in my seat still holding on to his hand. “I love my job and Cora. I just feel like I’m missing something.” I trailed off, not wanting to finish. I should’ve kept my damn mouth shut. It would’ve been better to tell him I wanted to be safe and put some spin on it like a single woman... blah…blah…blah…
Unfortunately, I was a moron. Being in his space did that too me I was learning.
He stopped on the side of the road, put the vehicle in park, and turned fully to me. “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you’re happy and safe.” His eyes spoke of knowledge as they bore into me, digging into my soul and branding it.
I could so fall in love with this man.
It would be easy. All it would take would be me changing my mind about staying clear of him. Then bam. It would hit.
“That’s sweet.” He smiled and pulled back onto the road. Something told me that being called sweet was some kind of inside joke, but the air was heavy from my confession and I needed a breather, even if it was only for a moment.
We pulled into my place, and he parked the SUV. Part of me wondered if he would come in, then I said fuck it. “Come in with me.”
He smiled huge. “Absolutely.”
Yes, I was going to enjoy him while I had him. However long that lasted.
This time was different than the first. Not less passionate, but the urgency wasn’t on our minds. I opened my door, not being plastered up to it, and he didn’t maul me when we entered my space.
While I loved that passion between us, this felt different. More.
He locked my door, took off his jacket and boots, then sat on my lonely couch. I followed suit as he tapped the space next to him and I took it, his arm going around my shoulders and pulling me tight into him.
His warmth was something I craved. It had this magic power of a shield it felt like, and I desperately wanted that in my life right now.
Dane kissed my temple. “What would you like to watch? Comedy so we can laugh ourselves stupid or something more serious?”
“I’ve had enough serious to last me a lifetime.”
He smiled not taking that as an in. Instead, he said, “Comedy it is.” He grasped the remote and started flipping through to see what was playing. “This looks good.”
I read the description and agreed. Within the first ten minutes of the movie, I was already tired of it. Sure it had its perks, but there was a very hot man next to me who I knew could strum my body up like no other.
Need percolated in my veins causing my temperature to rise. On that note, I turned and plastered my lips to his. He reciprocated quickly and before I knew it, I was straddling him and rubbing his hardness through his slacks.
My hands cupping the sides of his face, greed came over me. I couldn’t get close enough to him. No matter how I moved, it wasn’t enough.
Somehow I was able to get the damn buttons of his shirt undone and forced the blockage down his arms. He did the same with me all the while never leaving my lips.
Passion struck hard and before I knew it, we were naked, he was inside of me, and I was riding him hard and deep. Each glide sent me higher and higher.
My head tossed back as the build became too much.
“Eyes, Hannah.” His breaths were labored, but he was able to get it out. I complied, seeing so much in his depths I wanted to drown in it. Forever.
As we both came, we didn’t lose eye contact. While I feared what he’d see in mine, I let it all go allowing him to see me. It had happened. I’d officially fallen.
What the hell was I going to do now?
18
Dane
I took in the moment.
She laid in my arms after a night getting lost in each other. It felt like home. I had never felt at home anywhere, but Aspen was home.
Never before had I ever wanted to hold onto a memory.
When I was young, I used to wish on every star like a foolish child that I could remember my family. According to my paperwork, I was three when I was dropped off at a hospital for a double ear infec
tion. My mother said she was going to the vending machine and never looked back. My birth certificate listed my father as unknown.
Martha, Amos’ wife, she used to tell all the kids not to expect coddling. As I got older, I came to realize that woman didn’t have a maternal bone in her body. We were laborers, people who took from her, and a burden. To the Beilers, we were anything but the innocent victims we really were. I don’t remember how I ended up in their home. Honestly, I don’t remember the hospital, the ear infection, or my life before coming to the farm.
I don’t remember when Onyx showed up, only that he had been there as far back as I could envision. Not that my mind held onto many memories from the farm.
I never cared to hold onto to anything or anyone.
Until Aspen.
This was bad.
Catastrophic.
She stirred, starting to wake up. Her fingers traced my tattoos. When she got to the one on my side, her fingertip followed the letters slowly, tenderly.
“Keeper,” she whispered. “Tell me about your ink. Who’s your keeper?”
I blew out a breath. “I’m the keeper. My brothers’ keeper.”
“Are you the oldest?”
“I was the first,” I answered her cryptically. Lying to her didn’t sit right with me, but I couldn’t exactly tell her the truth. I was the first of the four of us to arrive at the orphanage. So if I was to explain our makeshift family, in a way I was the oldest. The truth was Onyx was a whole two months older than me, I was four months older than Garrett, and Pax was the youngest of us with eleven months between him and Onyx. If I told her we were all the same age, she would have questions I couldn’t answer.
Time was against us.
The time was coming when Jolin would want answers to why she wasn’t eliminated. The time would come when Freeman asked to have her collected. The time would come when he would seal her fate.
Whatever his reason for continuing to let her live, once it finished serving his purpose, I knew without a doubt she would be dead.
I just didn’t know what to do about it.
I liquidated and wiped my life away. I had cash. I had the means, the skills, and the opportunity to take her away to the cabin and keep her with me, safe and alive.
The problem was… I had to tell her.
I had to tell her I played her.
I had to tell her I was sent to kill her.
I had to tell her I was the only chance she had to stay alive.
I had to break her faith in me.
I was a strong man. An unshakable man. But I was powerless to the pull I had to her. I was helpless to stop the feelings that only grew day after day even when I wasn’t with her.
I was screwed.
And so was Aspen Kimmel.
“Keeper,” she muttered, and my attention went back to her and not my inward battle. “Are you the keeper of many hearts, Dane?”
I gave a half-hearted laugh. “No.”
“No girlfriends?” She was seeking information.
“No girlfriends, plural, or girlfriend singular. What about you, are you the taker of hearts, Hannah?”
She paused. I knew the truth that she was single and had only had two lovers in her life, but I couldn’t share that, and I wondered what she was going to say.
“I have no one, Dane. My gramma is gone into some place in her mind. My best friend has no room in her life for me as long as she has a boyfriend who hates me. So I’m not the keeper of anything, and I have no one, not even a boyfriend.”
I maneuvered my head to press my lips to hers. “You have me. I’m not good at relationships. My life has been about my business. I can’t promise you that I know how to do this shit right, but I want to try.”
Tears filled her beautiful emerald eyes. “I can’t,” she whispered as she jumped from the bed and rushed to her bathroom repeating herself as she went. “I can’t do this. I can’t give you anything. I can’t, I just can’t.”
Maybe I should’ve followed her. Maybe I should’ve pressed her. Maybe I should’ve simply come clean about who I was and what I knew about her.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get far in life living on the maybes and on the regrets of poor choices made.
My phone rang. I reached over the nightstand and looked at the screen. Jumping up, I strolled naked from her bed into the kitchenette area of the small apartment.
“Hello,” I answered on the fourth ring.
“Keep her close. I’ll be there this afternoon. When I text bring her straight to the address provided. You will have thirty minutes. After which, you are released, Dane. Thank you for many years of successful business together.”
Pain hit me hard.
I knew what would happen if I didn’t bring her to him.
I knew what I was giving up.
I just didn’t know how to handle her.
Women.
They were these beautiful, intelligent, emotional creatures. Women led with their feelings, allowed themselves to trust instincts.
“I’ll await your message.”
I didn’t say anything more, and he hang up the phone.
He said he would be here in a matter of hours. This meant he was boarding a plane and getting a car once he arrived. Freeman had contacts, so he would fly private and a car would be waiting.
Aspen emerged from the bathroom, and I looked at her. Taking in her oversized t-shirt, hair in a bun, and puffy eyes, she looked so amazing with no makeup and the worry on her face. I didn’t thrive on her pain like I had so many of my victims in the past. The way she was so torn with being with me, tugged at me because she cared.
I wasn’t alone in this pull we had.
“You need to leave. I can’t do this with you, Dane. I’m sorry. I know we were gonna just take it one day at a time, but you can’t get close to me.”
Standing in front of her naked, I wasn’t vulnerable because of the lack of clothing; I was vulnerable for what I was about to do.
“Do you trust me?” I asked frankly.
“No.” Her response surprised me.
I threw my hands up. “I need you to trust me.”
“I can’t.” Her voice was pained. “I can’t trust anyone, and you can’t trust me.”
She wanted to tell me her truths. I felt it in the air between us. She wanted to lay it all out there and then disappear. I felt the tension, and her need to flee.
Unfortunately, she didn’t have time to flee. Except she didn’t know that.
“Can you trust me to keep you safe? I get the feeling you’re running from something. I can keep you safe. I have resources.”
She gave a half laugh. “Money doesn’t make my problem disappear. I’m on borrowed time, Dane. I never should’ve gotten involved with anyone.”
I stepped closer to her. “Tell me you can deny this. Tell me what we have doesn’t feel right in every way. Tell me that something else matters more than what you feel when you’re with me.”
“This isn’t real. This isn’t safe. This doesn’t feel right because, Dane, you shouldn’t have this pull over me, and we shouldn’t have this connection. I’m sorry, but there are a lot of things that matter more than what I feel when I’m with you.”
I just wanted her to tell me the truth. I wanted her to open the door for me to share with her my plan. I wanted this to go easy.
She wasn’t giving me any of that.
I had no other choice.
With my pride wounded, I moved around the space putting on my clothes. She stayed out of my way and avoided looking at me.
When I had all my things together, I moved to the kitchen where I found twine for tying the legs of a chicken or turkey. Grabbing it with a knife from the set on her countertop, I set out to shatter everything that we shared.
It was going to kill me. She was going to hate me.
But if it meant keeping her alive, so fucking be it.
19
Aspen
I kept my back to him as much as possible. It
was killing me to hurt him. I wanted so badly for this to work, but I wasn’t naïve enough to believe it could.
The memories, the moments, I would forever treasure, but I had to let him go. If this was what it took, so be it.
He grabbed my wrists and yanked me to him. I was stunned when he pulled them behind my back.
“What’re you doin’?” I screeched.
“Keeping you safe.”
“You don’t know me!” I yelled as the panic filled me.
“Hush,” he ordered, and I thrashed around not taking his advice.
“I can keep myself safe. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.”
His size and strength were too much, and he had my hands tied together in an instant. My heart was racing, my palms sweating, and my mind ran a mile a minute trying to come up with an idea for what to do next.
“I’m not going with you. Just leave. I’ll forget your name, what you look like, everything; just go and don’t look back.”
“I can’t do that, Aspen.”
He said my real name.
I froze. Everything inside me seized to the point of pain.
The betrayal slammed into me.
He was going to kill me.
Moments passed as he shuffled around grabbing my things and tossing them into bags. I wasn’t coming back. I realized he was packing my stuff. He didn’t intend for me to return home.
Without thinking, I took off toward the front door. In a split second he was on me, and I felt the bite of sharp metal against my neck.
“Be still, Aspen.”
“I don’t know anyone named Aspen,” I lied and waited for the blade to slice my flesh.
It didn’t come. He held steady, not hurting me, but keeping me firmly in place.
“Now is not the time for games.”
He knew my name. Who was this man? I kicked backward hitting him in the shin to which he never budged.
“I’m not playing games. I’m not this Aspen person you think I am.” The lies tumbled out of my mouth with my whole body trembling.
“Stop fighting. We don’t have time for this.”
PowerLess_Anti-Hero Game Page 12
