Give me strength to cling to You and let go of Nathan. Help me make the right choices. Give me the courage to let go.
No grand or glorious thing happened. She didn’t feel a blanket of peace descend. If anything, her prayer only served to sharpen her awareness of just where she stood. Tears burned behind her eyelids, and a deep ache radiated behind her breastbone.
She’d hoped for a fleeting moment that Nathan would say something when she spoke about giving Amber away, but he’d been silent.
Even if he did reestablish a firm relationship with the Lord, Nathan still loved Evie. His heart belonged to the woman who had borne his child. So did his home—their home, the charming little saltbox Evie rescued on their honeymoon and Nathan lovingly reconstructed for her. Every single room still looked as she’d decorated it. Her pictures hung on walls and sat in frames on tables. All of the patience in the world wouldn’t erase his memories, and Vanessa came to the conclusion she simply couldn’t shadowbox the rest of her life with a memory.
Amber. Strike one. Nathan’s soul. Strike two. Nathan’s heart. Strike three.
Vanessa tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling. The light fixture wavered and formed a halo because of her tears. “God, I’ve struck out. I can’t do this on my own. What more do You want from me?”
Twenty
“Vanessa, let me drive you and Amber to the airport.”
“Thanks, Nathan. It’s nice of you to offer, but I have to do this myself.”
“Honey—”
“I need to go. Bye.” She hung up. Putting the bright green jacket on Amber was hard. It was yet another “last time” thing she was doing today. “You’re a big girl now. You’ll go to doggy college and wear a blue jacket.”
Secretly, there was that selfish wish that Amber would go and “flunk out.” Then, she could come back forever. . . . Vanessa clenched her eyes shut to keep from crying. God, I really don’t want to be that kind of person. Make me bigger than my selfish desires.
Amber usually traveled in passenger compartments. She’d been on a plane twice and on a boat, busses, trains, even a hay wagon. Today was different. At the airport, Vanessa stayed with her until the very last moment, gave her a hug and kiss, and put her in a dog crate. She wept as they took Amber off to the plane, cried all of the way home, and flung herself across her bed. She lay at the very edge, her fingertips brushing the edge of Amber’s bed. It was as empty as her aching heart.
❧
Nathan had tried to contact Vanessa a half-dozen times in the last twenty-four hours, and she’d given him every version of a polite brush-off he’d ever seen. He wasn’t going to put up with it any longer.
Nathan chuckled under his breath. Vanessa, impulsive in so many ways, managed to model patience. Today, he was the impulsive one, and he had no patience left. He strode to her door with resolve, gave it three solid raps, and jangled the keys in his pocket as he waited for her to answer. She didn’t come, so he banged on the door a few more times. Still no response.
Unwilling to give up, he hiked around the corner of her place and drummed his fingers on her bedroom window. When he’d helped move Val out, he’d had a conniption that they were on a ground floor with no security. He’d come back and put in a security window. Now, he wished he hadn’t.
One side of the curtain inched back. “Whaddo you want?”
“Doing that well, huh?”
The curtains opened wider, revealing a very sleepy woman bundled in a robe the color of shamrocks. Nathan thought she looked as if someone tackled her and wrapped her up in AstroTurf. She’d never looked better to him. She scrubbed her face with her palm, then swept her wild hair back behind her left ear. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“Time to talk. Get dressed.”
“Nathan, go home.”
“No can do. Hurry up.”
She turned to the side and wheeled back around. Her eyes were huge. “It’s five-fifteen. Are you crazy? Who’s watching Jeff?”
“Val is. I know what time it is, and we’ll be late if you don’t get a move on.”
“The only place I’m going is back to bed.” The curtains swished shut.
Nathan chuckled. He didn’t doubt for a minute she’d be headed right back to bed, but he wasn’t about to let her do it. He drummed his fingers on the window.
“Go away!” came the muffled shout.
A set of sprinklers started on the far side of the lawn. I’m going to get soaked. May as well be a fool for love. . . . He cleared his throat and began to sing. “It’s rain-ing, it’s pour-ing, the old man is—”
The curtains didn’t open. Vanessa popped up from beneath them like a crazed jack-in-the-box and flipped the safety latch on the window. Her cheeks glowed scarlet. As she opened the double-thick, shatterproof pane, she hissed hotly, “If you had any sense at all, you’d just leave.” She drew in a breath and added, “Can’t you see the sprinklers are coming on?”
“Why do you think I’m singing this song?”
“I have no idea. I didn’t recognize it as music. The first time you sang it with Jeff was cute, but this is irri—”
“Jeans and a sweatshirt, Van. Put ’em on and meet me at the front door.” He glanced down at his wristwatch. “You have ten minutes.”
“You have ten seconds to go away before I call the police. You’re disturbing my peace!”
“Nine minutes.”
She huffed and shut the window. He heard her mattress squeak.
Four minutes later, he used his cell phone and called her. “Five minutes, and I have chocolate.”
❧
He’d given her five minutes. . .like he had any right to make any dictates to her. Still, he had her so tied in knots, she wasn’t going to get back to sleep, anyway. Vanessa clambered out of bed and headed toward her closet. He’d specified jeans and a sweatshirt, but she wasn’t going anywhere. Not at this hour. Not with him. She yanked on jeans, but her sweatshirts were in the bottom drawer over where Amber’s empty bed lay. She couldn’t go over there right now. Not a chance. She’d start crying all over again. Instead, Vanessa rummaged through her closet and pulled out a T-shirt that was as blue as she felt.
In her haste, she broke her shoelace. “Ohh!” She flung that shoe across the room and listened to the satisfying thump it made as it hit the floor right next to her shoe rack. Even in her frustration, at least she managed to keep her aim true. She scowled at her feet and hobbled over to that shoe rack. “Oh, forget it.” She stopped looking and twist-stepped into big, rainbow-striped, fuzzy slippers.
Nathan Adams was about to get a piece of her mind. “Let’s go.” As soon as she said the command for Amber, she realized for the millionth time that Amber was gone. All of those things she said and did as a puppy trainer were empty gestures and phrases now—and painful reminders of the loss she’d sustained. A fresh wave of grief washed over her.
Nathan knocked at the front door.
Vanessa marched over, jerked open the front door, and gave him a belligerent look. How dare he show up at this ridiculous hour at all, let alone looking like that? Freshly shaven, lounging against her door frame, he could have just stepped from a magazine ad.
“Good morning, Sweetheart.”
“Give me the chocolates, and you might not get hurt.”
“They’re in the car.” He grabbed hold of her wrist and yanked.
Vanessa struggled to free herself. “What in the world are you doing?”
“Kidnapping you.”
“You’re nuts. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Just leave me alone.”
He tilted his head to the side, and his dark brown eyes shone with compassion. “Hiding out won’t take away the pain, Honey.”
“Neither will running all over the place.”
“True, but I have special plans. You’ll have to trust me.” He glanced down and shook his head. “I’ve got an extra sweatshirt in the car, but those slippers won’t do.”
“Just what is
wrong with my slippers?” She folded her arms across her chest and tapped her toe.
“They’ll get wet when you walk across the lawn.”
“I’m not walking across the lawn!”
Nathan gave her a don’t-be-difficult look. All of a sudden, he ducked, rammed his shoulder into her middle, and wrapped his arm around the backs of her legs. When he straightened up, she dangled over his shoulder like a rag doll. She turned her head to the side, saw him snatch her key ring from the hall table, then dizzily watched as he pulled the door shut and locked it.
She tried to stay calm. “What are you doing?”
“We’ve already discussed that. I’m kidnapping you and your goofy slippers. I’m even making sure they don’t get wet.”
A considerate kidnapper. She’d chalk this all up as another one of her wild nightmares, but blood rushed to her head. It pulsed and made her ears ring, proving she really was awake and Nathan truly had gone ’round the bend. “Let me get this straight. Valene is with Jeff and knows you’re doing this?”
“Yup. So do your parents.”
“Now I’ve heard everything.”
“Almost. I’ve arranged for Jamie and your mom to mind the shop today.”
“Great.” She tried to catch her breath. It wasn’t exactly an easy thing to do in this position. “I’m getting abducted by approval.”
Nathan’s shoulder shook as he chortled, and the action made her bounce. It would serve him right if I threw up all over his legs. He’s having far too much fun, and I don’t want to play this game.
“Really, Nathan, take me back. I’m lousy company right now.”
“I’ll take you however you come.” He stopped, opened the car door, and lowered her inside with surprising care instead of dumping her like a sack of cement. He slammed her door shut, zipped around the car, and slid into the driver’s seat.
Just then, Vanessa caught sight of herself in the visor’s mirror and let out a breathless shriek. “Okay, the joke’s over. I’m going back inside.”
He started the car and put it into motion before she could open her door. “Buckle up, and the chocolate is in the glove compartment.”
“I haven’t brushed my hair. I don’t have any makeup on, and I’m wearing slippers!”
“Yeah, so?” He shifted and pulled a black comb from his pocket. “Borrow this. Eat the chocolate.”
She made a rude huff as she accepted the comb. The man needed to get his head examined if he thought this was going to mollify her.
“You’re a natural beauty, Sweetheart. You don’t need a bunch of stuff all over your pretty face, and as for your slippers. . .” He let go of the steering wheel momentarily and lifted his palms in an “oh well” gesture.
Vanessa pulled the comb through her tangles and gave him a disgruntled look. Leave it to him to give her a compliment on a morning like this. Clueless. The man was utterly clueless. Good thing too. It meant she could stay mad at him about this escapade and use it as an excuse to distance herself and cool the relationship.
“So ask me about what I found in Mexico.”
“Obviously you lost your wits.”
“This is important, Van.”
“Sure it is,” she said flippantly. She tossed his comb onto the dashboard and rooted around in the glove compartment for the chocolate. Nothing. She unbuckled her seat belt and twisted around.
“You’re not listening to me.”
Desperation had her rummaging through the stuff he had stored in the backseat. She didn’t want to face him right now. “You promised me chocolate.”
Nathan’s baritone filled the car:
“ ‘When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.’ ”
Vanessa twisted around and stared at him. She clamped her hand around his arm and squeezed. “What?”
He gave her a soul-stirring smile. “I found my way back. My relationship with Christ is on track again.”
“Oh, praise God!”
“The hurt and anger are gone, Van. I realized what a fool I was for blaming God for robbing me of my wife. Evie was His child, and He called her home. For a time, I was blessed to have her to love. I’ve mourned for her, and I’ll always miss her, but now I can be at peace, knowing she’s whole and healthy in heaven.”
Vanessa took a deep breath. She didn’t want to hear about Evie. Even the mere mention of her name was like a dagger through her heart, but how selfish was that? Nathan was freed of his shackles, and that was what was important. He’d begun to heal spiritually.
“Wow. Answered prayer.”
“I know you were faithful to pray for me, Van.” He gave her a piercing look, then trained his gaze back on the road. “I managed to push away everyone else, but you were different. You didn’t push back or walk away. You’ve stuck around and let God work in His own way.”
“So tell me about how God finally got through to you!”
“It’s been so subtle—gradual, you know? At first, I couldn’t stand anything having to do with worshiping Him. All of the essentials for a strong walk stopped cold. But God’s used you to patiently reintroduce them to me: associating with believers, prayer, attending church.” He hitched his shoulder. “The final step was down in Mexico. Kip got me to start reading God’s Word again.”
“Kip’s a great friend, Nathan.”
“Yeah, he is—to me. What about you?”
Father, how do I respond to this? The biggest hurdle is behind us—Nathan is Yours. With time, can he let go of Evie and learn to love me? Do I play it safe and tell him Kip is just a friend, or do I focus on the relationship that may or may not ever blossom between me and this man?
Vanessa took a deep breath and looked Nathan in the eye. “I hope I’m a great friend to you too.”
His rich, deep laughter filled the cab. Vanessa had the feeling she’d mistakenly answered Nathan’s question the wrong way, but nothing mattered this morning.
“I finally realized the truth—I’d been longing for what was right in front of me all of those years. I was like a blind man, wandering around in darkness. I let anger and grief come between me and God instead of letting Him be my strength and solace at the darkest time in my life. Now I’ve come back to the Light. God’s restored my spirit—just as he did for David in the Psalms.”
“I’m so happy for you, Nathan.”
“It’s the craziest thing. I kept thinking the emptiness and loneliness were because I was a widower. I’m still a widower, but I can see that when grief should have started to wane, I stayed so empty because I’d shut down spiritually. You have no idea how free I feel.”
His news started to fully sink in. He hadn’t just made a decision with his mind—his heart and soul were behind it. The joy flowing from him touched her deeply.
“You once said God was bigger than my anger,” Nathan continued. “I had plenty of people tell me I was a sinner for that; you were patient with me and let God chip away at my hardened heart. He is bigger than anything that I am or feel or do. But the other thing is, He doesn’t expect me to pretend—He already knows how I feel, so I can live honestly before Him.”
Vanessa nodded.
“I’m not trapped in the past anymore, Vanessa.”
“The chains are broken. I’m glad for you.”
He’d zipped down the freeway and turned onto a winding dirt road. Now he made a sharp hairpin and another wild jog to one side. A hot-air balloon came into sight.
“Oh, look!”
Nathan parked the truck and turned to her. “I wanted to celebrate with you in a special way. Let’s go.”
Still stunned by everything he’d said, Vanessa got out of the car when he opened her door. She watched him yank a paint-splattered, maroon sweatshirt from the back of his truck and gladly accepted it. Once she pulled it over her head, he slipped his strong hand along the back of her neck a
nd freed her hair. The sudden warmth felt good in the nippy morning air, but she wasn’t sure whether it was from the sweatshirt, his good news, or his touch.
“Come on.” He took her hand and led her all of one step, then stopped. He looked down at her slippers and shook his head. “Upsy-daisy.”
Vanessa let out a surprised squeal as he scooped her into his arms.
Nathan carried her toward the balloon and stopped briefly to speak with one of the men who seemed to be directing the busy ground crew. Seemingly satisfied, Nathan gave her a squeeze and carried her to the basket.
“Ready to go?” the operator inside the basket shouted above the din.
Nathan raised a brow as he looked at her. She nodded enthusiastically, so he lifted her into the basket, then climbed in beside her. He stood close in the tight quarters and bumped a picnic basket with his knee. He pointed down, then put his mouth by her ear and half-shouted, “Once we get underway, you can have some coffee. I ordered breakfast for us.”
“Breakfast on thin air? How fun!”
The basket shifted a bit beneath their feet. Vanessa grabbed one of the lines. Nathan grabbed her. She didn’t mind one bit.
Filled with hot air, the balloon barely started to rise. “Away we go!” someone said from behind her. The noise from the burners ripped through the air and made any conversation virtually impossible. The ground seemed to fall away and their balloon continued to rise. The movement felt smooth, but the height change seemed almost dizzying. Soon Nathan’s car resembled one of Jeff’s toys. A stand of trees looked like frilled toothpicks. As they reached cruising altitude, the noise from the burners diminished.
“Isn’t this outta sight?” Nathan’s arm around her waist tightened.
“Amazing! I’ve always wanted to ride in one of these!” She let go of one of the lines and reached out. “I almost feel like I can touch the clouds from here.”
Nathan turned her and held her close. His warmth and strength felt marvelous. Slowly, one of his hands slid up her back to her nape. He spread his fingers out and speared them through her hair, forcing her to face him.
Love Is Patient Page 14
