by J. M. Snyder
“Saundra,” Alex warned. “I’m sick of comments like that. You don’t know a thing about him.”
“And I don’t want to,” Saundra replied.
Softly Alex said, “Then that’s your loss.”
The crinkle of plastic preceded Jamie into the studio. Between his teeth, a package of snacks made a vicious sound as he tore it open. Relieved for the distraction, Alex asked, “What did you buy?”
Jamie came around Saundra to stand by Alex. “Twinkies.”
Before Alex could reply, he stuck his hand in the front pocket of Alex’s pants. For a brief second his fingers brushed against Alex’s lower abdomen, tickling hidden flesh and making him hard in an instant. Who needs tight pants to stay aroused all day? Alex wondered as Jamie dropped the change into his pocket. Just touch me there, Jamie, that’s all I need.
But then Jamie pulled his hand away and plopped down on a loveseat stretched across the back wall of the sound booth. He crossed one leg over the other, his foot on his knee, giving Alex a good look at his crotch, and suddenly Alex was glad Saundra was there, if only to keep him from doing something he’d regret. Biting into a Twinkie, Jamie licked at the white filling and winked at him. “I like the cream,” he said, a hint of a smile on his face. “I could live off Twinkies alone. What about you, Alex? Don’t you like the white cream inside?”
“We’re working here,” Saundra warned.
Alex turned away but could still see Jamie’s grin reflected in the mirrored glass, those dark eyes staring at him as he licked the cream from his lips, and he couldn’t help but smile back.
Chapter 12
When Jamie climbed into the passenger side of Alex’s car at the end of the day, he stared at the building that housed the radio station with a slight frown on his face. “I thought I told you to smile more,” Alex admonished, hoping to elicit a grin from his friend.
It worked. Jamie turned to him with a faint smile. “I’m sorry.”
“Did you have a good time?” Alex started the engine and backed out of the parking spot, cringing as the bottom of the bumper scraped the curb when he pulled away. “I know it’s not one of your clubs—”
“I had fun.” Jamie picked at a tiny hole in the seat cover and frowned at the threads that came loose in his fingers. “I want to do this every day. Not so much the mixing stuff, and I can do without that bitch Saundra, but coming here with you and talking and just hanging out—that was fun. More fun than the clubs.”
Alex laughed at that. “You’re just being nice,” he said, but part of him wondered if Jamie was serious. He glanced over but Jamie wasn’t looking at him. Does today have to end so soon? he wondered. Sure, they got off to a shaky start, but once Saundra left them alone, the hours flew by, Jamie’s laughing eyes and quick wit keeping a grin on Alex’s face. Not to mention you love being with him…
It was true. Jamie turned him on in the worst way—he’d never met someone like him, so intoxicating, so open, so damn sexual in every little thing he did. Even now, just sitting beside him, Alex watched him from the corner of his eye and it was there, in the curve of Jamie’s neck, the way he ducked his head, his bitten nails and bright eyes and long lashes, the curls that hugged his scalp and the way he sat, his legs sprawled open as if he knew what he had and he wanted to show the world. Does it really have to end at all? “What’s on your mind?” he asked gently.
Jamie shrugged. “I don’t want to go back just yet,” he whispered. “I mean, I know you’re probably sick of me, but I just…I don’t want to go back yet.”
“You don’t have to.” When Jamie looked up at him, Alex gave him a reassuring smile. “Actually, I was thinking dinner and a movie. You still owe me a film, remember? You couldn’t decide on one last night.”
“Yeah,” Jamie breathed, grinning. “That’s cool.”
“You think so?” When Jamie nodded, Alex laughed. “Then it’s a date. What do you feel like eating?” Jamie giggled and raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Food, Jamie. How about Chinese?”
Jamie laughed again, and Alex rolled his eyes. “Don’t even,” Alex warned. “I know what you’re thinking. It’s the lamest joke, Jamie. Please don’t say it. Please.”
Covering his mouth with the back of his hand to smother his giggles, Jamie sighed, “Chinese is fine. Can we order it to go? Maybe go back to your place and, I don’t know, just watch something there?”
Alex shrugged. “Why not?”
“Cool,” Jamie sighed. Softly, he whispered, “I had fun today, Alex. Thanks.”
“I had fun, too.”
Alex concentrated on the road and the traffic, and tried to ignore the thoughtful look on Jamie’s face as he watched him drive.
* * * *
Back at Alex’s apartment, Jamie sat on the floor in the living room, a paper plate overflowing with lo mein and rice juggled precariously in one hand as he shoveled food into his mouth with the other. He sat back against the couch, gaze riveted to the TV screen where Alex had turned on the latest Star Wars film because Jamie told him he hadn’t seen it yet.
Alex sat on the couch beside him, watching Jamie watch TV and wondering what it would feel like to touch the smooth skin along Jamie’s neck, just below where his curls stopped. At some point before dinner, he’d discarded the mesh T-shirt, and his tank top hung low along his neck, exposing more skin that Alex ached to touch. What if I just reached out and ran my thumb along the back of his neck? he wondered as he ate. Just a little touch. I could say I was brushing away a piece of lint, fuzz, a hair, and then I’d know if he’s really as soft as he looks. And warm, and smooth, and—
Stop it.
He forced himself to turn back to his plate full of rice. Shifting slightly, his leg brushed Jamie’s arm, and he smiled when Jamie glanced up at him, a questioning look in his eyes. “Sorry,” he mumbled. For touching you, for thinking of touching you, for wanting you so bad, Jamie, I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry because I can’t have you and God, right now I’d give anything for just a little kiss, just a tender moment. I’d give the world but I can’t give in so I’m sorry.
“‘S okay,” Jamie replied. He scrambled to his feet and then sat on the couch beside Alex, dangerously close…too close. The whole expanse of the couch stretched out and he just had to lean onto Alex as he pulled one leg up beneath him, grinning as his body pressed into Alex’s for a brief moment. When he was situated, he turned and leaned against Alex’s shoulder, and his skin was smooth and soft where it touched Alex’s arm. “This is much more comfortable,” Jamie declared, settling back against him.
Alex moved his arm and Jamie snuggled up to him. Suddenly Alex didn’t know where to put his hand. It was beside Jamie’s hip at an awkward angle and it would be so easy to just rest it against Jamie’s thigh, or curl his arm around Jamie’s waist, but then he’d be just inches from the bulge in Jamie’s pants and God help him, how could he possibly extract himself from this position without offending him? “Jamie…”
Setting his plate down on the coffee table, Jamie took Alex’s hand in both of his. “You want me to move?” he asked with a frown as he leaned back and looked up at Alex.
His head rested on Alex’s shoulder—it’d be so damn easy to kiss him now, to lean forward like he’d wanted to at the station and just kiss the guy already, curve his arm around Jamie’s waist in a sudden embrace and pull him close. But why stop there? Why not take him upstairs, let him stay the night?
Why not let him in?
Because… Jamie’s wide eyes and full lips held him fascinated, and suddenly he couldn’t think of one reason why he shouldn’t kiss him, why kissing him would be a bad thing. He’d taste sweet like the sweet and sour chicken he just ate, and tangy from the soy sauce, and the oil from the egg roll would make his shiny lips slippery and leave Alex a little breathless. He could already feel the way his tongue would slide easily between those lips, he could hear Jamie’s sharp intake of breath—when had he gotten so close? Mere inches away and leaning closer, closer�
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“Jamie,” Alex sighed.
Then he stood up quickly, retrieving Jamie’s plate from the coffee table. Jamie fell back into his empty seat and pouted as he watched Alex clean up their dinner. “Did you have enough to eat?”
“I want dessert,” Jamie replied. Alex felt his cheeks heat up at the suggestion he heard in his friend’s voice, but he ignored it. With a sigh, Jamie rolled onto his side and propped his head up with his hand, still pouting. He watched as Alex busied himself with cleaning up the take-out boxes scattered across the table. “Can I ask you something?”
No, Alex wanted to say. He didn’t want to know what it was Jamie wanted to ask, because he suspected it had something to do with his sudden interest in clearing the table and what would he say if Jamie asked him why he didn’t want to kiss him? Because you’re saving those kisses, remember? he’d say. Because if you give them to me, then it means you’re feeling something more for me than you’ve ever felt for anyone else before and I have to admit that scares me a little, Jamie. Because I’m thinking I might feel the same way and I can’t. I just can’t.
Those words festered inside him, unspoken. Alex forced an easy shrug and hoped his voice sounded unaffected when he replied, “Sure.”
In a quiet voice Jamie asked, “Why can’t you like me?”
Shit.
“I do like you,” Alex said, keeping his gaze on the table. He wouldn’t look at Jamie and see that pout, he wouldn’t.
But Jamie sighed. “I know you do. I see it in your eyes. In your hands when you touch me, and in your voice when you speak. But there’s something in you that doesn’t like me very much at all.”
“That’s not true—”
“Then why can’t you like me?” Jamie persisted. “You look at me like I’ve always dreamed of being looked at, like somehow you’re seeing inside me, but you won’t…”
He sighed again, and Alex blinked to clear the tears from his eyes. How perceptive was this kid? Or were his emotions that easily read? Jesus.
“I’ve tried everything I know, Alex, every way I can imagine to get you to touch me like I know you want to, like we both want you to, and you keep pushing me away. Why can’t you just—”
“I can’t,” Alex said quickly, cutting him off. He tried to stand, hands full of trash, but the take-out containers tumbled from his arms and fell, splattering rice and noodles along the wooden tabletop. “Fuck,” he muttered, upset that he was letting Jamie get to him like this, upset that they were even having this conversation because now it was out in the open, now he knew Jamie wanted him, too, and how could they possibly carry on after tonight? How could they still be friends if they both knew they wanted so much more? “I just can’t.”
“Is it because of the clubs?” Jamie’s words came out in a rush. “Because I meant what I said. If you were my boy I wouldn’t go out anymore. I wouldn’t. Since we met I just went out that one time, and I didn’t really do anything then, nothing. I started to and all I could think of was you and I couldn’t go through with it. I just couldn’t.”
Alex rubbed his temple wearily. “It’s not the clubs,” he admitted. Did they have to do this? Right now?
But he didn’t do anything that night, his mind whispered, and Alex’s heart soared at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he was getting through to him after all. And that’s why you can’t give in, because he’s learning from you and you can’t violate that relationship, you can’t just take advantage of that.
Alex bit his lower lip and looked at Jamie, those earnest eyes begging him to please give in, please. With a shaky sigh, he tried to explain. “This program, the Youth Outreach thing, it’s like…”
He sighed again. What the fuck did he want to say?
You don’t know because you don’t believe it anymore. He says he wants you, he’s practically begging you to take him in your arms and smother him with kisses, he’s watching you, waiting, and you can’t think of any reasons why you shouldn’t have him. Not when you both want it…
“It’s like I’m supposed to be your brother, or mentor, or teacher,” Alex whispered, “and I can’t—I just can’t use you like that, Jamie. If I’m supposed to be helping you, and you need my help, and if I hit on you or touch you or kiss you—” Like I so badly want to, he added silently— “then I’m just taking advantage of that. I’m using you and I can’t let myself do that.”
“You’re not using me if I want it, too,” Jamie replied.
“Jamie.” Alex started gathering the trash together again. He was right; he knew he was right. There were reasons why teachers didn’t get involved with their students, why doctors never mingled with their patients.
Only he’s not a student or a patient, his mind whispered. He’s just a lonely kid who’s fallen for you, and damn it, Alex, but you’ve fallen for him, too. Can’t you admit it? Even to yourself?
Suddenly Jamie was on his knees beside him, knocking away the plates and the take-out containers and the soda cans. He took both of Alex’s hands in his as he pulled him down close. “Look at me,” he commanded.
Alex raised his eyes until he stared into Jamie’s, that blue gaze threatening to drown him. Jamie leaned closer, closer, and when Alex tried to pull away, Jamie held onto his hands tightly and admonished, “Don’t. God, Alex, please don’t. I just want to—please…”
Alex turned his head at the last possible minute and Jamie’s lips brushed against his cheek. Like velvet, he thought fleetingly. Soft like velvet and God… “I can’t,” he whispered again, shaking his hands free from Jamie’s grip and rising to his feet. He closed his eyes and pressed his thumbs against his eyelids until the world exploded in a bright red darkness. “Come on,” he sighed. “I’ll take you back.”
At his feet Jamie sniffed loudly, once, and then sighed. “Fine.”
Fine.
Alex sighed. If I’m doing the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?
Chapter 13
An awkward silence filled the car on the way back to the shelter. Alex stared at the dark, half-empty streets and wondered what he could possibly say to get Jamie to talk to him again. Fine…the word echoed in his mind, and Jamie hadn’t looked at him when he stood up, or when he helped Alex clean the table, and he hadn’t said another word. Not I’m sorry, not let’s forget about this, not look Alex, can’t we just be friends?
Just fine, that was it, and Alex wanted to shout at him, piss him off, get him angry enough to yell back because at least then he wouldn’t be so quiet, and there wouldn’t be that desperation in his eyes that Alex didn’t like one bit.
But what could he possibly say to get Jamie to talk to him again, to see that sunshine smile light up the night and his life once more? It would be so easy, he told himself as he drove, Jamie sulking and silent beside him. Just rest my hand on his knee until he looks at me and tell him I’m sorry. Blow off the whole Youth Outreach thing and tell him he’s right, I do want him, I want him so badly and in so many ways, and I want him more than anyone has ever wanted him before. I think I love him, and what would he say if I told him that? Would he still be mad? Or would he take my hand in his and tell me he loves me too?
And would he kiss me again? I wouldn’t pull away if he did.
The shelter loomed into view as Alex turned down Main, and he stopped at the curb in front of the empty courtyard. Now’s your chance, he thought, putting the car into park.
But Father Nate trusted him with this kid—the program wasn’t a dating service or a match-maker game; the priest wanted Jamie to realize there was more to life than sex and he trusted Alex to show him that life. I can’t destroy that trust; that one thought kept Alex’s hands on the steering wheel, and the evening stretched out between them, each minute passing like a funeral procession, that somber, that slow. Finally Alex whispered, “Jamie…”
Jamie pushed open the car door and climbed out without a word. The car shook as he slammed the door shut. Alex watched as he stalked away, heading for the shelter, his shoul
ders hunched and head down. He looks so defeated, Alex thought with a sigh. And I did that to him. Me. He told me he wanted me and I turned him away. God, how stupid can I be? I want him—fuck the program, fuck everything, I want him.
He cut off the car and opened the door, ready to run after Jamie, to apologize and tell him to come back, stay with him tonight, he was wrong—
But Jamie disappeared into the shelter, the sound of the door banging shut echoing away into the night, and it was too late.
Alex closed his door and started the car. Maybe it was too late, maybe it had always been too late. He headed home, his mind spun out in a whirl. Father Nate told him Jamie simply needed a friend. Not a lover, he reminded himself, not someone to fuck. Just a friend. Which is what I’ve been, hard as he’s made it. I haven’t touched him, and I thought I did a good job of hiding my feelings but I guess I was wrong. And if he’s known all along the effect he has on me, maybe I haven’t been such a good friend, after all.
He thought about all the times Jamie smiled or winked at him, touched himself and tried desperately to get Alex to touch him, too, or flirt back. The coy way he grinned, the suggestion in his voice, the way—
Don’t do this to yourself, Alex warned, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t forget the way Jamie’s lips felt as they pressed against his neck the other night while he was cooking, or the way they brushed along his cheek tonight, soft and delicate like rose petals. He couldn’t deny the warmth of Jamie’s hands in his, or ignore the tears shining unshed in his eyes as they got into the car. I can’t do this anymore. I’m killing both of us—me with my need and him because he needs so much more. He needs someone to love him and I just can’t do it. That wasn’t part of the program.
He had to talk with Father Nate. By the time he pulled up in front of his apartment, he knew he had to call the priest in the morning. He couldn’t do this anymore.
