by Ellis Weiner
The Templeton twins took one look at the man and their stomachs started to churn. The Professor, who until that moment had been twinkling and smiling about absolutely everything, saw the man and immediately grew grim.
“Well, who is THIS?” the man cried, as he and Gwendolyn Splendide mounted the short flight of steps leading onto the stage. “My partner AND his delightful children!”
The faces of Abigail and John were like masks of stone. “How did you find us?” John said.
“You have a lot of nerve, showing up here,” Abigail said.
At this the TAPAS students and staff looked baffled and a little embarrassed, but Gwendolyn Splendide quickly explained, “Of course the CHILDREN know Mister Dean. He and their father are partners, you see.”
“We know him,” Abigail said. “We know—”
“Excuse me.” The Professor said this quite softly—and, as is often the case, the very softness of his voice commanded everyone’s attention. “Did you say ‘partner’?”
“I certainly did!” cried Gwendolyn Splendide. Then she burbled a little laugh and announced, “Why, I AM being rude. And Gwendolyn Splendide is many things, but she is not rude. Everyone!
THIS IS MISTER DEAN D. DEAN—THE PROFESSOR’S BUSINESS PARTNER!
As the men and women standing around the stage exchanged puzzled looks with one another and Dean D. Dean gave a merry wave to one and all, the twins went up to their father. They started to say something, but he held up his hand to quiet them.
“I’ll deal with this, children,” the Professor said. He stepped toward Gwendolyn Splendide and said, “Miss Splendide. I am well acquainted with this person. He has attempted to obtain credit and money from my work in the past—to which he has absolutely no claim whatsoever. I assure you, he is no partner of mine.”
“Plus he kidnapped us!” Abigail said.
“And he held us prisoner with a gun!” John added.
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then, led by the jovially twinkling Dean D. Dean, everyone (except the Templetons) broke into loud laughter.
“There you go again,” Dean D. Dean said to the Professor. He pointed to the LPHTICUL. “Pretending I’m not your partner, when you KNOW I’ve been helping you all along with this wonderful invention.”
“You have most certainly not been helping,” the Professor said. “You have had nothing to do with it.”
“Oh, really?” Dean D. Dean said. “Is that the case? Is that so? Is that a fact? Well then, answer me this . . .” Addressing the rest of the onlookers, he said, “If I had nothing to do with this device, how is it that I know about the spotlight problem? And the lens fabrication difficulties? And the track electrification issues? And the RT rotational solutions?” He looked directly at the Professor and added, “These are real concerns, aren’t they?”
Everyone seemed to hold their breath and look at the Professor. He frowned. “Yes,” he said finally. “Yes, they are.”
“And how would I know about them?”
“You read about them in an article!” John said.
“Oh, did I? Well, young man, it so happens that I did read about the Professor in an article. It was in the New Engineering Weekly Snapshot from some weeks ago, and it said how the Professor and his delightful twin children were moving to this Academy so he could work on this device. But that’s all it said. It didn’t have any details about any problems.”
“He’s right, John,” the Professor said. “I haven’t discussed the problems with the device in any article.”
“Take that!” Dean D. Dean cried. “He hasn’t discussed them in any article!”
“You’ve been spying on us,” Abigail said.
“Oh, please,” Dean D. Dean scoffed. “Oh, piffle. Oh, hogwash. Ask any of these people—” He turned to the onlookers and said, “Have any of you seen me around here before?” Everyone shook their heads no. Dean D. Dean turned back to Abigail. “You see?” He rolled his eyes. “ ‘Spying.’ Absurd.” He looked sadly at Gwendolyn Splendide. “One would be vastly amused if one were not so cruelly insulted.”
“Ha!” Abigail said. “If you’re our father’s partner, and you’ve been working on this project with him, then why haven’t you been around here before?”
“Be-cause . . .” Dean D. Dean said in the kind of voice you would use to explain something to a toddler, “I have been working on the device at my workshop, little girl.
“And now,” the handsome man continued, directing a very sad and disappointed look toward the Professor, “as usual, you want to take all the credit for it. Well, that’s just wrong.” He turned to Gwendolyn Splendide. “Don’t you think so, Madame Dean of the Academy?”
“Why, I must say I do,” the lady said. “Gwendolyn Splendide firmly believes that what’s fair is fair.”
“Dean D. Dean is delighted to hear it,” Dean D. Dean said, smiling handsomely at her. “He is thrilled to meet Gwendolyn Splendide and to hear her excellent policy on fairness.”
Gwendolyn Splendide smiled as she replied, “Oh, Mister Dean, Gwendolyn Splendide is equally thrilled.”
Dean D. Dean suddenly appeared exhausted. “Then let us leave it at that.” He pulled from the breast pocket of his jacket a sumptuous white handkerchief and mopped his forehead with it. “This has been such an ordeal. Will you—CAN you—all excuse me?”
And with that he turned away from everyone, as though overcome by his deep emotions. He held out a hand as though to say, “No, no, there is no need to help me. I’ll manage,” and, with a sad sigh indicating his disappointment with the human race but his brave determination to put up with it, he walked down the steps, up the aisle, and out of the building.
“Such an elegant and charming man,” Gwendolyn Splendide murmured. Then she looked at the Professor. “I trust, Professor, that you will take this exchange under advisement, and give credit where credit is due.”
The twins could tell that their father wanted to say something sharp and angry in reply. But they also saw him glance around at all the people waiting to get back to work, and at the LPHTICUL itself, and decide not to. Instead he replied, “I will indeed give this matter the attention it deserves.”
“Lovely,” the lady beamed. “Oh, isn’t this fun? You technical people are so fascinating.” She flung a hand at the ceiling, trilled, “Au revoir, tutti!”17 and swept down the little stairway, up the aisle, and away.
The Professor called out, “Shall we get back to work?” and that, for the time being, was that.
That evening the twins made dinner while the Professor brooded in his office at home. Abigail made beef tacos,18 while John made rice and guacamole.19
THE NARRATOR’S GUACAMOLE
First, however, there are probably readers who are wondering, “What on earth is guacamole, and how do you pronounce it?” It is pronounced “gwahkah-MOW-lee” and it is a Mexican dish. In fact guacamole is a puree. Well, actually, it is a kind of salad. Although it is not actually a salad. I suppose it is more a kind of vegetable dip—although it is made from avocados, which are not vegetables. The avocado is a fruit, I think. (It grows on a tree and has a big seed in the middle of it. This, I think, is the definition of a fruit. Although strawberries don’t grow on trees, and they have their seeds on the outside, and we all know—we think—that the strawberry is a fruit, so never mind.) You mash up the avocado, like a potato, except you don’t cook the avocado, so it isn’t really like a potato.
This whole topic is becoming somewhat annoying. I’ve decided I don’t want to talk about guacamole. It upsets me. Instead, I’m going to tell you how to make coleslaw. We will use a recipe I call . . .
THE NARRATOR’S GUACAMOLE COLESLAW
You will need:
1 grown-up or responsible teenager
1 head of green cabbage
1 head of red (which is actually purple) cabbage
1 handful of flat-leaf (Italian) parsley
1 carrot
1/2 cup (120 milliliters) mayonnaise
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br /> 1/4 cup (60 milliliters) plain (NOT VANILLA) yogurt
1 tablespoon vinegar
Pinch of cayenne
1 teaspoon celery seeds
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
Salt
Special equipment: box grater (This is not all that “special.” Almost every kitchen has one. It’s a silver, metal, boxy-shaped thing with different sized holes on its sides, used for grating hard food into shreds.)
You Should Do This:
Ask—politely—your grown-up or teenager to cut the green cabbage in half and remove the core. Cut that half-piece into three or four parts. Peel off and discard the rough, dirty outer leaf. If you want, rinse the hunks briefly in cold water. Then rub each hunk against the biggest, longest holes on the side of the box grater. The cabbage will miraculously become shredded INSIDE THE BOX ITSELF. Repeat with all three or four hunks. Put the shreds into a big measuring cup until you have about 3 to 4 cups (240 to 320 grams).
Do a similar, but smaller, thing with the red-actually-purple cabbage. Cut off a hunk, peel off the outer layer, rinse, and shred, until you get about 1 cup (80 grams) of shreds. Put all cabbage shreds into a big bowl. Not a “sort-of biggish” bowl. A BIG bowl.
Have your older helper cut off the stems of the parsley, then rinse the leaves. If you want, drop the parsley onto a piece of paper towel and wrap it up, so the towel dries off the leaves. Then ask your helper to finely chop them until you have about 1/2 cup (30 grams), or even more. Dump the leaves into the bowl with the cabbage. Do not dump the paper towel into the bowl. Perhaps you eat paper towels with your coleslaw, but I assure you I do not.
Have your helper cut off the tip and bottom of the carrot. Using a vegetable peeler, peel the carrot and rinse it off. Then, rub the carrot (end first; not the long way) against the second-largest holes in the grater, on one of its bigger faces. The carrot will, as if by magic, grow shorter and shorter as the holes grate it into shreds. Be VERY CAREFUL not to touch the grater with your knuckles. Stop grating before this happens, and either eat the little stump of carrot that remains or give it to a dog. Dump the carrot shreds into the bowl.
WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, WHICH YOU HAVE WASHED THOROUGHLY, toss the cabbage-parsley-carrot mixture until it is well blended. Take a moment to appreciate the beautiful four-color (light-green, purple, dark-green, orange) mixture you have created. Say to your helper, “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?” and dare them to say “no.”
Spoon the mayonnaise into a medium bowl or a big measuring cup. Stir the yogurt so it smoothes out and spoon it into the mayonnaise. Stir these two ingredients together until they’re smooth and blended. Add the vinegar and quickly stir it in, so that it thins out the mixture. Use any kind of vinegar you want. No. I take that back. Only use white or rice vinegar. No. I take that back. Use apple cider vinegar.
Add the rest of the ingredients to the mayo-yogurt mixture except the salt. Don’t worry if the amounts aren’t precise. WARNING: IT SAYS “PINCH OF CAYENNE,” BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS LITERALLY. Meaning, do not use your fingers to take a pinch, because cayenne is stupendously hot. USE A SPOON. If you use your fingers, and touch your fingers to your eye, YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS. Or, if this entire topic upsets you or your parents or guardians or attorneys too much, just skip the cayenne. WHATEVER YOU DO, do not skip the celery seeds, since that is what provides maximum slawness.
Stir the dressing until all the spices are combined. (You can add other things if you want: lemon juice, basil, dill, etc.) Then dump it all into the cabbage mixture. Using two big spoons, gently toss and stir everything until the dressing is distributed throughout.
Taste and see whether it needs salt. It probably does. But the mayonnaise you used already has salt, so we’re waiting until this final phase before adding it. Go easy with the salt.
You can—and you will want to—eat it right away. But it gets better if it sits for a couple hours in the fridge. So cover it with plastic wrap and let it chill. Before serving, toss again, because some liquid will have fallen out onto the bottom of the bowl. Just stir it back in. Although this slaw is not “Mexican,” it would go great with Abigail’s beef tacos. It also goes great with the Narrator’s Meatloaf (the recipe for which is in the you-know-what book), and all sandwiches, hamburgers, etc., etc.
Over dinner, the Templeton twins and their father discussed the reappearance of Dean D. Dean. John started by asking why they couldn’t just call the police and tell them that Dean D. Dean had done various bad—and probably illegal—things the last time the Templetons had encountered him.
But the Professor replied that those things had happened some months ago, and that the Templetons had no actual proof that Dean D. Dean (and his [twin] brother, Dan D. Dean) had done them. “The police can’t arrest somebody, or give them a warning, just because you ask them to,” the Professor explained. “They have to have some indication that the person is breaking the law.”
“So what are we supposed to do?” Abigail asked. “Just wait around for them to do their next sneaky thing?”
“I’m afraid so, dear,” the Professor said.
“Well, we won’t have to wait long,” John said. “He’s already started lying to that Gwendolyn lady.”
“One thing I don’t understand,” the Professor mused. “How did Dean D. Dean know about those problems I’ve been having with the device?”
“Maybe he asked people who are working with you,” John said.
“I don’t think so,” Abigail said. “They all said they’d never seen him before.”
“He must be spying on us in some way,” the Professor said. “I just wish I knew how.”
The twins traded a look that said, wordlessly, “I can’t believe we have to deal with Dean D. Dean again! What an undesirable and vexing state of affairs!”
FOR FURTHER STUDY
Select the correct answer: The Narrator continues to do:
an excellent job.
a superb job.
a magnificent job.
just a really great, great job.
Write an essay of 1,000 words on the importance of coleslaw in your daily life.
Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper, describing how sorry you felt for me when I became upset at the topic of guacamole.
17. “Au revoir” is pronounced “aw-riv-WHAH,” and is French for “good-bye.” “Tutti” is Italian. It is pronounced “TOOT-ee” and means “everyone.” I urge you to do this yourself. The next time you have to leave a group of people, instead of saying “Bye,” cry out “Au revoir, tutti!” and see how everyone reacts.
18. These are actually extremely easy to make, especially if you buy an envelope of taco spices, which is what the twins did.
19. This is also fairly easy to make, and I will be happy to explain how on the next page.
The public was scheduled to get its first official look at the Live Performance Horizontal-Tracking Individual Close-Up Lens (LPHTICUL) on a Saturday night at the opening of a new musical written by some of the students and faculty of TAPAS. The show was called Let’s Live Life! and was about a group of students studying acting, singing, and dancing.
It was to open with an overture20 (some introductory music), and then some dialogue between the main characters that would lead into the first song. This would be sung by the character of a young man studying acting at a college much like TAPAS, who was to be played by an actor who, in fact, was a young man studying acting at TAPAS.
One week before this opening performance, the Professor announced that the LPHTICUL was ready. A technical rehearsal was scheduled for two days later. (A technical rehearsal—you will be impressed that I know this—is a rehearsal mainly for the benefit of the lighting, scenery, sound, and costume people.) The rehearsal w
as to begin at five o’clock that Monday afternoon, which meant that John and Abigail would be able to attend it after school.
They couldn’t wait.
After school on Monday, the twins ran into the house and had a quick snack. Manny Mann arrived a few minutes later and, while he finished the rest of the vanilla fudge ice cream and snooped around in search of cookies, the twins did their homework. By ten to five they had (they claimed) completed their work, and Manny drove them to the auditorium. He planted himself in the last row with a new book, explaining, “I finished Alice in Wonderland. You know, you guys were right. It was fun and serious.”
The twins moved toward the stage and sat in the front. The theater was empty except for the cast and crew, whose coats and books and backpacks were scattered on seats throughout the auditorium. The lights over the audience seats were low. The curtain was closed but lit up by the bright, spectacular stage lights. In front of it, the Professor conferred with Roger Prince, the director, and Claire Light, the lighting designer.21 When the Professor noticed the twins, he excused himself, came down the little stairs from the stage, and joined them.
“We’re not quite ready to start,” he said after greeting each of them with a hug. “We’re reviewing the cues for the sound effects. Come on, I’ll show you.”
The Professor led the twins toward the rear of the theater. In the center of the very last row, taking up the width of seven seats, was a console and a control panel with many switches and sliding controls and lights. Seated at it was a young woman wearing a pair of headphones. She took them off as the Templetons arrived.
“I was explaining the sound cues to them,” the Professor said. “How many do we have in the show?”
“Forty-three,” the young woman said. To the twins she added, proudly, “That’s a lot. I pulled them from about six hundred we have in the booth upstairs. Look.” She showed them a rack of about fifty cassettes, each with a tiny label describing the sound recording it contained.
