Stronger Than This

by Abby Mccarthy

  “Mickey, that’s too much. Thank you for your kindness, but really it’s way too generous.”

  “Nonsense. I’ll be riding until the weather breaks. I insist. Besides, what are ye going to do? Make her walk?”

  I blew out a large puff of air. Mickey was right. Again. Resigned to the inevitable, I grabbed the keys from his hand, “Thanks, Mickey.”

  “Ye workin’ later?”

  “Yes, so I hope the bus will bring her home.”

  “It will. Middle schoolers ride with the high schoolers. Zeke takes the bus every day.” I noticed how Mickey’s accent didn’t always come out so strong and wondered how long he’d been in the States. I hated to admit it, but I liked the sound of his voice. The richness of it, combined with dialect, was near musical.

  “You sure know a lot about him.” I was talking about Zeke. Mickey seemed to know more than most would about some club kid.

  “His Ma just lives around the corner.” I wanted to laugh. So, that was Mickey’s thing; he helped the damsel in distress. Well alright, at least I knew his attention wasn't on me. I nodded my head and looked at him for the quickest second with skepticism. He caught it and amended his statement.

  “She’s in the clubhouse quite often. That lass has a thing for my brother. Zeke’s a good kid, just needs some direction.”

  Okay, so, wrong again.

  I knew Talon would need to be up soon and I didn't want her to see Mickey again, so I nodded and quickly closed the screen door.

  “Thanks, again,” I told him, got a head nod, and watched him walk away. I closed the door and paused. I had a small flutter in my belly. I’d forgotten what that felt like. He was kind, and it was scary. That was fucked up wasn't it; that a man’s kindness felt somehow like a threat? Is that what years of being with Drake had taught me?

  I brought Talon to school and told her that the shop had loaner cars for everyone whose car they were working on. She looked at me skeptically. I wasn't even sure why I lied to her, but a part of me felt guilty. Still, there was another part of me that felt like I was being rebellious, and that it was okay because I deserved to have someone treat me kindly.

  The school was easier than I thought it would be to enroll Talon in. I had worried about paperwork and transcripts, but once I explained in private to a very sympathetic principal why we were here, she assured me that she would take care of things. What that entailed, I didn’t know, but so many things about this town made me feel like they looked out for each other.

  Talon seemed judgey and wasn’t overly thrilled about being there. I pleaded with her to make the most of it. After a quick goodbye, I stopped at the grocery store, picked up a few more odds and ends and went back to the cottage to get ready for my lunch shift.

  The bar had a few men sitting at it when I arrived. None of which I recognized from the day before. Jack’s eyes lit when he saw me, “Hey, there, Marie.”

  “Hi, Jack,” I said softly. Something about him, made me feel at ease.

  “Evelyn’s in the back brewing tea.”

  “Great I’ll get the coffee started.”

  “About yesterday...” Jack began, but I cut him off.

  “Don’t want to go there, Jack.”

  “I know that, honey. What I was going to tell you was that if you’re still in pain and need a minute, you let me know, okay?”

  I placed my hand on top of Jack’s, “Thank you.”

  He shrugged his shoulders as if to say no big deal, then he got busy cleaning glasses behind the bar. I got busy with coffee and started my shift. An hour into my shift, once Jack knew that I had everything down, he said, “I got shit to do,” then left Evelyn and me to it.

  Evelyn, I was learning was quiet around Jack, but she was anything but that around me. “Well, spill it,” she said while waiting for me to pour three tall drafts from the tap.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I replied.

  “Everything. Yesterday, with Mickey.”

  “He's just a friend,” I explained.

  “Sure, mmhmm. If you don’t want to tell me.”

  I laughed, “Silly girl. I’m telling you, he’s only being neighborly that’s all.”

  She looked to the door and said conspiratorially, “Looks like the neighbor is paying another visit.”

  My eyes trailed hers. Opening the door to Benny’s was Mickey, followed by three other bikers. I knew this, not only because of the matching vests they wore, but because of the beautiful custom bikes that I saw from the bar window. How I’d not heard them, I had no idea. I finished pouring the drafts for Evelyn, and she grabbed all three with ease. Then, I approached Mickey. “Hey, Mickey.”

  “Marie, this is Jules, Daws, and Jarrod,” Mickey signaled to each man as he said their name. Jules was the man from the side of the road yesterday. He had stylish blonde hair that looked dyed and a long beard. Daws was clean shaven with long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail then there was Jarrod. Jarrod looked younger than the rest. He was a blonde with hair cut close to his head. He was cute if you liked the babyface look.

  “Marie’s new around here, be nice,” he warned jokingly.

  “I’m always nice. How nice can I be?” Jarrod joked, and Mickey met his joke with a glare that shut Jarrod up.

  “I’m a gentleman. Relax, old man.”

  “I’ll show ye old man when I’m shoving my foot up yer arse.”

  Daws chuckled.

  I interrupted, “What can I get you?”

  “Drafts for all of us,” Mickey answered.

  “You want a Guinness?” I asked remembering what I saw him drinking yesterday.

  “Nah, get us Yuengling. We’re just on our lunch break. I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger, medium.”

  “Second that,” Jules said.

  “Third,” Daws added.

  “I’ll have the Cobb salad,” Jarrod said with a grin.

  “Really, a fucking salad?” Daws asked giving Jarrod a side eye.

  “What? I’m watching my figure.” Mickey gave Jarrod a look, and Jarrod started laughing.

  “I’m fucking with ya. Bacon and swiss for me.”

  I got busy putting in their orders and pouring their beers. It felt like Mickey was watching me while I did all of this. It confused me, because for the second time today, I had that weird butterfly sensation in my stomach. I threw napkins down in front of each of the guys, then set down their beers. “Should be about ten or so minutes for the burgers.”

  Mickey grabbed my attention, “How’d the lass do this mornin’?”

  “It was alright. She’s nervous.” I wanted to tell him that she was angry that she had to start over, but that wasn’t his business. It wasn't a story I should share.

  “It’s a good school. She’s a pretty girl. Bet she’ll do just fine.”

  Daws's phone vibrated on the bar, and he picked it up, “Aub baby,” he cooed then stood up and walked outside with his phone.

  A man on the opposite side of the bar put a finger up requesting another, and I quickly moved away from Mickey. Before I knew it, more people came into the bar, and I began serving them. Evelyn got a rush on the floor as well, and the lunch hour seemed to get very busy. I set the burgers down in front of the guys and moved fast to make sure everyone was taken care of. I realized how quick the lunch rush could be, and all too soon, I was setting a check down in front of Mickey.

  “My turn.” Jules grabbed the check and handed me a card. I quickly snatched it up, since I knew I'd have another order up in a minute. I slid the card through the machine. While it was printing, I grabbed the next order, placed it down in front of the lonely looking old man at the far end of the bar, then grabbed the receipt and set the slip in front of Jules with a pen to sign.

  “Might have yer car done sooner rather than later. I’ll swing by and let ye know.” Before I could protest or say anything at all, Mickey was walking out the door followed by his friends. I grabbed the credit card receipt and the leftover dishes, and noticed a twenty under M
ickey’s plate. The bill was only forty-five dollars. Twenty on forty-five was more than generous.

  The next hour was still busy, then as quickly as the lunch rush started, it was over. The crowds came in fast and departed just as quickly. Today was way different than yesterday and an hour after the rush Jack returned.

  “How’d she do?” he asked Evelyn.

  “You’re right, Jack She’s a pro,” she responded. I realized he’d thrown me into the weeds on purpose. I liked being busy and feeling like I was good at something. I also really enjoyed working and not having Drake watching over me like a hawk. It felt good.

  During the next two hours, I felt more carefree than I had in a while and by the time four o’clock rolled around, I was both tired and re-energized from working hard, if that even made sense? I drove home and found Talon sitting outside on the porch talking with Zeke. When I exited the car, Zeke quickly stood.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, pretty bird.” There he went with the pretty bird again. He walked past me and gave me a chin lift like he was much older than his fifteen years.

  “How was school?” I sat down next to Talon and received a shrug in response. Her long blonde hair was braided in a loose braid falling off of her left shoulder. She had light mascara on, but other than that, wore no makeup.

  “School,” was her one-word response.

  Okay. Teenage drama.

  “I brought dinner.” I moved to the car and grabbed the two Styrofoam boxes that Jack had sent home with me. “I sold a ton of these today. They looked delicious.” I sat next to her and opened the box. The smell of the burgers made my mouth water.

  We’d been living on pasta and apples. This seemed like a delicacy. Talon grabbed her box and went to town. She must’ve been just as sick of the bland food I’d bought as I was.

  “O.M.G. this is so good,” she said between bites. I couldn't argue with her, it was fabulous. My burger was nearly gone when I noticed Mickey walking up.

  “Him again?” Talon asked.

  “Mickey told me the car was almost fixed. I’m sure that’s why he’s here.”

  Talon huffed, picked up her Styrofoam box and moved into the cottage. I let out a sigh, because... teenagers. Mickey approached with his casual yet confident stride. Where Drake made men fear him with his attitude, it felt like Mickey attracted people to him just by being himself. I realized then, that was power all in itself. He had the same jeans on from earlier, but wore only a white T-shirt. It was clean like he’d just changed into it. His icy blue eyes seemed to follow my movements as I sat the burger down and stood.

  “Ye work tomorrow?” he asked with little greeting.

  “No, tomorrow Jack has it covered. I'm doing some work around here. Not on again until Saturday. I wasn’t even supposed to work that, but Evelyn said she had to study and gave up her shift as soon as I’d offered to take any of hers.”

  “Good. One more part will be in tomorrow morning, so I’ll swing by around lunch and grab ye.”

  “Sounds good, Mickey. Thank you.” He gave me a head nod and walked away. Damn what a view it was.

  Chapter Ten

  Marie

  I was taping the walls getting ready to paint when I heard a knock on the screen door. I had all of the windows open because I had spent the last two and a half hours washing the walls down with bleach. I was sore. If I thought my ribs were sore from bartending, they were completely sore from scrubbing these walls, but everyone knows you don’t paint dirty walls. I set the blue painter's tape down and saw Mickey through the doorway.

  “Ye painting?” he asked through the screen door.

  “Not yet. Prepping,” I sighed.

  “Ye about ready?” I gave myself a once-over. I was covered in grime, my hair was a mess, and I must’ve smelled. There was no way I was ready.

  “Give me a few. Yeah?” I said gesturing to my outfit. I walked away and went into my bedroom. I closed the door the best I could, but the damn thing never latched. The door always seemed to stick in the jam. I quickly changed out of my dingy shorts and threw on the cutoffs I liked to wear. I lifted my shirt over my head and was about to put on a bra when I heard Mickey shout, “Going to use the jacks.”

  “The what?” I turned towards his voice not sure what the hell the jacks were and forgetting about the damn crack in the door. Mickey was there, and my breasts were on display. Not just that, but everything. My scars. My bruises. It was all right there like a roadmap of the monster I was married to. I gasped and turned around. “Mickey, what the hell?” I asked as I grabbed a shirt and quickly donned it overhead.

  “Feck!” he swore and slammed the bathroom door.

  Tears welled in my eyes. I was embarrassed. I sat on the bed and quickly put a bra on under my shirt. My back was still to the door, and I didn’t want to look at Mickey. I tried to hide in my shame. I tried to pretend my past wasn’t a horror story. I didn’t need Mickey to pity me, or be disgusted by me. And, yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have cared what he thought. Perhaps I should’ve been mad that he stood at the door, but all I could focus on was the absolute shame I felt.

  The first tear fell, then the second, and again I found myself crying. My shoulders shook, and even that gave me more shame. I didn't want to be weak. I didn’t want to feel ashamed. It wasn’t my fist that did this, but I still felt shame. I couldn’t even explain it. It was just there; surrounding me, suffocating me. I couldn't breathe. My chest felt tight. I was gasping and choking on my sobs. I hurt.

  I didn’t hear Mickey walk into the room, but suddenly he was there. Crouched in front of me. He grabbed my hands from my throat. “Can’t breathe,” I choked out.

  “Look at me,” he ordered. “Breathe in. Breathe out.”

  I was trying, trying to hear his voice and do like he suggested. “Come on Marie, breathe. In. Out. You got this.” He continued encouraging me. It wasn't until I’d started to calm that I noticed my hands were in his and he was rubbing circles on my palm with the pad of his thumb. I focused on that. It was soothing and calming in a way that surprised me.

  Once I was calm, Mickey did something that completely shocked me. He stood, bringing me with him, and brought my head to his chest and hugged me. I wasn't sure how long he had held me, but for some reason, it was the safest I’d ever felt. He was quiet after that.

  I moved from his embrace and went into the bathroom to clean up my face. Reluctantly, when Mickey asked if I was ready, I nodded and went with him. I needed my car. I wanted to sit with my feelings, but when Mickey held me, it made me feel a little less shame and a little more comfort, so I agreed.

  “Ye up for a ride?” he asked. It was precisely what I needed.

  “I’d like that.” We rode to his shop, and I had the feeling that Mickey took the long way. Oddly, I didn't mind. The wind against my skin with nothing holding me back was the freedom I needed. Maybe Mickey sensed it. He went under an underpass and revved his engine making it echo off of the small space, and I laughed. Mickey put his hand on my knee and squeezed. It felt natural. I didn’t blanch at his touch.

  In fact, I didn't even think about it. We pulled into a gated lot, and I quickly saw that this was their clubhouse and it was in the same parking lot as their shop. It wasn't like there was a big sign that illuminated the clubhouse. To most people, it would have looked like a warehouse, but I’d been around enough clubhouses to know precisely what this place was, and judging by the security at the gate and the newness of the building, my guess was they had money. This meant two things. One; everything was not above board with these guys. And two; there must be some reason they needed security.

  Unease built in my chest. What if someone recognized me as Drake’s old lady? Mickey grabbed my hand and rubbed a tiny circle on my palm as if he understood this was making me anxious. He pulled into an open bay in the garage.

  We got off the bike, and he walked me over to where my car was, only it wasn't the tan color it was before. “It’s black?”

  “Aye, thought it nee
ded a paint job, and a new set of plates too.” I raised an eyebrow at him, but then I understood exactly why he did what he did. He got that I didn’t want to be found and was making it a little less easy for me to be.

  “Mickey,” I sighed, “this probably cost a mint. This car isn’t worth the work you put into it.”

  “Aye, but it’s yours.”

  “Hey, Mickey. Who’s your friend?” A beautiful blonde with gorgeous caramel-toned highlights asked on approach. She was wearing a lavender sundress with little yellow flowers. She seemed way too sweet for bikers.

  “Marie, this is Aubrey. Aubrey, Marie. Aubrey does our shop books part-time. She’s Daws' wife. Do you remember him?” Mickey casually leaned against my car.

  “Ponytail?”

  He responded with a nod.

  “Nice to meet you.” Aubrey was quiet when she spoke. There was a sweetness to her, but at the same time, an underlying hardness. It made me wonder how old she was. She was one of those people who looked extremely young, but there was that thing about them that told you there was no way they were really that young.

  “She the Camry?” Aubrey asked Mickey.

  He gave a subtle nod, “Leave the invoice for me.”

  I darted my eyes at Mickey, “You let me know how much it is. I’m not making much yet, but I’ll pay you back.”

  His light blue eyes looked to me, and spoke volumes about his intentions. He wasn't going to let me pay.

  “Mickey, a word.” I wanted to pull him aside to talk to him about this without broadcasting everything in front of Aubrey.

  “Daws around?” he asked Aubrey ignoring my plea for privacy.

  She was looking between the two of us grinning, as she responded, “He wanted me to tell you to meet him in the clubhouse when you got here. He called about ten minutes ago to see if you showed up already.”

  “Thank you.” Mickey gave her a warm smile, then dug into his pocket and pulled out a key. “Let me pull it out for you.”

  I stood next to Aubrey while Mickey pulled the car from the garage. During that time, Aubrey took it upon herself to talk to me. “Mickey’s talked about you,” she said holding my eyes.