Stronger Than This

by Abby Mccarthy

  Michael was inside pulling his shirt over his head. He saw us, then bent down and smacked the arse of the half-naked broad, whose skirt was pulled up over her ass. “Get up. Time to go.”

  “Hmm. Michael?” she whined.

  “Now,” he clipped. She pulled down her skirt and quickly rushed out of the clubhouse.

  “Don’t you have a room?” Daws asked Michael.

  “Teresa’s in there. Don’t ask.”

  Daws gave Michael a look. Tiny came out from the back room with a pot of coffee.

  “I’m up. No going back to sleep after this. Who needs a cup?” We all nodded, and I figured we’d need more than one pot.

  “Any other tail hanging around here?” Jules asked.

  “I’ll look.” Jarrod did a once-over, then woke up a hang around who had Little Titty Rhonda wrapped around him. I heard him tell both of them to leave as I took a sip of the coffee.

  “Dis tastes like shite,” I told Tiny, who was pushing close to four hundred pounds.

  “It’s fine,” he mumbled pouring himself a large cup. I set mine down, then turned on the pot behind the bar to brew another pot.

  Little Titty Rhonda yelled, “See you boys,” on her way out.

  The hang around wasn't as quick to leave.

  Daws gave him a side-eye, as he rushed out.

  “We good?” Jules asked, as the faintest bit of early sun filtered through the door that closed behind the hang around.

  Jarrod nodded. I quickly asked, “What do ye have?”

  “Got a call from a source. Smithy Blythe told me he’s seen an MC called the Raiders pass through on a consistent basis. Which on its own wouldn’t be that crazy, but then I got another call from Melissa, a waitress I’ve known for forever in North Carolina, and she said basically the same thing. That tells me they’re moving up and down the coast pretty frequently.”

  “Feck,” I growled. Yes, I fecking growled.

  “You know ‘em?” Daws asked.

  Tiny had been around long enough to remember what happened to them. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered.

  “Goes back a long time. You and Maura were just wee bits,” I looked to Daws, then back to Jules.

  “Dray was trying to negotiate a deal with them. They were at the clubhouse partying, and one of their members gave Maura’s ma the drugs that killed her.”

  “It was bad,” Tiny seethed.

  “Mickey almost killed him. We would’ve had a bloodbath. Everyone had guns on each other.”

  “Jesus,” Jules lit a cigarette and blew out a large puff of smoke.

  “So, it’s personal?” Jarrod asked.

  “Maybe. Maybe not. It’s been a long time. Dray knew I wanted to kill him though. We never did business with them after that, and any attempts by them, we turned down. It’d make sense if they’re moving up and down the east coast that they’re moving product,” I said.

  “Well, then. This just makes our plan of a set up easier. We know who we’re looking for.”

  We all agreed. Jules finished his smoke and lit another as the guys all moved about. Tiny took a shot of whiskey, and muttered something about the hair of the dog.

  Daws slapped Jules on the back, “Jenny know you're smoking?”

  “No, she’ll kill me, but her being pregnant and me having a bad feeling about the Raiders isn't helping. I need nicotine like I need to breathe.”

  “Better shower before the party. We’re still on, right Mickey?”

  “Two,” I said before walking out of the door. I was in a mood, just thinking about the Raiders made my skin crawl. I thought of Lacey and how I had wanted it to work out so badly, but knew deep down it wouldn't. Then, I thought about Marie and how good it was. Because she wouldn't open up to me about her ex, I had this feeling that reminded me of Lacey, like something wasn't going to work out. As long as she held that close to her, I felt like there was this uncertainty.

  Things had been amazing between us. I could see her changing every day, growing stronger, more capable of being herself, more capable of smiling and enjoying life.

  Today was a big day. We were having a family picnic at my place, so not only would my brothers be there, but their wives and kids. I hadn’t had everyone out since Maura moved away. We were going to BBQ. I figured some of the guys would get on the Wave Runners. I’d probably teach Talon how to fish, because something told me, her piece of shit dad never took the time to do shit like that. I stopped and got breakfast just like I’d said I would. I noticed a text from Marie telling me she was at her cottage getting ready.

  Marie was in the shower when I got there, so I quickly rid myself of clothes and joined her. She startled when I moved the shower curtain, and I immediately felt terrible. I knew better than to sneak up on her.

  “Love, it’s only me,” I murmured into the back of her wet hair. She braced her hand against the wall of the shower. The water completely cascaded over her. I watched her back rise and fall as she gasped for air.

  “Marie.” I turned her towards me.

  “Ss... sorry.” I pulled her against my chest and wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me.

  “Ye don’t need to apologize. I’m sorry I scared ye.” She looked up at me and met my eyes. Tears shone in hers.

  “Love,” I gentled my voice.

  She kissed me hard. It threw me. I didn't expect her to be so assertive. Not now, not when I scared her, and she was visibly shaken. She reached down and grabbed my dick. I couldn’t help but get hard, because it was Marie and I was a man.

  “I’m going to fuck you, Mickey,” she purred, and I suddenly felt like I had to get away from her. It was like she was using sex as a defense mechanism to not deal with her emotions.

  It made me wonder if every time had been like that for her. Was she proving something to herself?

  I grabbed her wrist. “No, Marie. Not now.”

  “What?” She looked at me confused and hurt. I held her for a moment not answering why I pulled back. The truth was I needed to process what I feared was happening. I grabbed a shampoo bottle, pouring some into the palm of my hand then began to lather it in her hair. She brushed her hand over my chest, and I stopped her again.

  “Let me take care of ye.” I washed her hair, then conditioned it. I loved her hair. She watched me warily, but let me.

  I couldn’t help my raging hard-on. It brushed against her several times. It was pure torture, but I wouldn't fuck her when her nerves were frayed.

  I needed to give her a different type of comfort. I rinsed her hair, grabbed her loofa and lathered her body, taking care, that I wasn't trying to seduce her. I finished, turned off the water, and reached out of the shower, to grab a towel that was left on the bathroom sink, and wrapped it around her.

  I kissed her forehead, grabbed a towel for myself wrapped it around my waist. I left her in the bathroom. I needed to get away from her before I fucked her senseless. It wasn’t what we needed. I was pulling my jeans up, when Marie walked into her bedroom.

  “What are you doing? Why are you getting dressed?” Marie asked, her eyes moving up my jean-clad legs and stalling on my chest.

  “I have a lot to do before everyone comes for the party. I want to open up the shed, make sure everything’s working. I need to check the oil in the Wave Runner too. I was also going to stop and get more propane for the grill.”

  “What was that in there? Were you punishing me for something?” She sat down on the bed with the towel wrapped around her. I knew that it took a lot for her to feel comfortable with confrontation, so I was both agitated and proud of her. I wanted time to wrap my head around what I was feeling, but she didn't want to give it to me.

  “I wanted to take care of ye.”

  “Well, you didn’t. I’m dying here,” Marie smirked not picking up on my mood.

  I sighed and put my shirt on. “Get dressed. We’ll talk.”

  Her face fell as she dropped her towel, making me groan, as she got dressed. She wasn't shy about her n
udity. I swore she bent over in front of me just to drive me mad. It was furthering my feeling that she was using sex to cope with her emotions. She changed and stood before me in a pair of jeans that were snug and ripped in the knee, and a black Harley tank top.

  I sighed, then on a release of breath I gave her what I needed to, “After Lacey died, Maura’s mum, I was angry. I knew she wasn’t a good person, but I always expected her to become a good mum.”

  I watched Marie make sure she was okay, and that I had her attention. She sat next to me on the bed, and pulled a comb through her hair.

  “I thought if I just gave her a bit more of me, then she’d be able to be a better person. I know that wasn’t smart. When she died, minutes before, I had seen her with a man’s hands in her pants. She didn't look remorseful. No, she grinned at me. Then, when she died, I was a different man. I had to stay present because of my daughter, but I’d often lose myself in a woman. I never got close to one. I’d feck them, sometimes more than once, but I never gave them pieces of me. I held a lot close, not letting people in.

  “As time went on, and Maura grew, it was my normal. It was the only thing that I was used to, and I thought it worked. I didn't have time for a woman, not when my girl needed me. But she hasn’t needed me for a long time, and I’d been so used to just casual sex, I’d stopped wanting anything for myself until there was ye.

  “Maybe the lost part of me recognized the lost part of ye. I’m not lost anymore. I haven’t been since we started. But ye are.”

  She froze, and I watched her body go still.

  “Pieces of ye are making their way to me, but I don’t have all of ye. I see the fear ye still hold onto. I’m afraid yer masking the pain with sex, just like I did. I want to care for ye. I want to hold ye, when something reminds ye of the past. I want to make sure that I make ye feel safe, not that I scare ye and ye think we should feck to get over it. I’m falling in love with ye, but I fear ye have so many bands wrapped tightly around yer heart, that one wrong move will make them snap.”

  I bent forward and kissed her lips softly like she was delicate, because in so many ways my fierce Marie was. She kissed me back with too much uncertainty, and I knew I needed to leave her to let her process my words. “Come over when yer ready. I’ll be waiting.”

  Marie

  MY HEART WAS POUNDING in my chest. Did Mickey think I was using him for sex to process my feelings? Was I? And he said he was falling in love with me.

  With me.

  In love!

  I thought about how I was startled in the shower, and I thought about how I reacted. I thought about my feelings for Mickey, and I knew I wasn't quite ready to admit them yet. I decided to do something that was completely out of the norm for me, but I thought it was necessary. I picked up the phone and called Aubrey.

  After a long, forty-five minute talk, I concluded that although I didn't mean to do it, what Mickey said had merit. I thought about when we had sex, and how I was during it. I wasn’t like I ever was with Drake, but I wasn’t sure that I was entirely myself with Mickey either. I was going to try to be more honest with my feelings, and if something bothered me, I was going to try to talk about it. That was the plan, at least.

  I stewed the rest of the morning I shouldn't have. I should’ve just gone to Mickey’s, as soon as I’d gotten off the phone with Aubrey. But when I finished my conversation with her, I walked out of my room and noticed the Styrofoam cartons that were filled with cold breakfast. My nerves got the better of me, and I realized that I was messing up with Mickey, and I desperately didn’t want to do that.

  I overcompensated. I went to the grocery store, spent more money than I had on groceries, then came back home and began making too much food for the cookout. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to feel like I was a part of his family. I was also nervous.

  I knew Mickey had been excited about the get together, but I couldn't help the clawing fear. What if everyone in his club wasn't like everyone kept telling me? What if they were the type of men who’d look the other way? What if?

  Gah!

  I needed to get through this if Mickey and I were going to have a real shot. I just needed to talk to him about my fears. I loaded my car up with a large bowl of potato salad, a large dish of cheesy potatoes and a side of pasta salad. I’d also made two enormous servings of pretzel salad, a Jello cream cheese dish, and another tray filled with carrot cake cupcakes.

  Once my car was loaded, I felt silly. I knew it was too much, but there was no turning back. Jenny was bringing Talon back soon, and I wanted to make sure I spoke with Mickey before everyone else got there. I drove the minute and a half to his place and cringed when I saw that there were already a few bikes parked up front.

  “Marie,” Jarrod called out as I parked.

  My window was down, and I gave a simple, “Hey,” back.

  “Mickey, your old lady's here!” he yelled towards the backyard. My heart beat more frantically. I’d been someone’s old lady, and that didn't sit so well with me. I got out of the car and grabbed the top two tin foil pans and carried them inside. Jarrod, noticing I had more in the car, helped by carrying two more inside.

  “Christ, you do know everyone is bringing something, don’t you? You didn’t have to feed us all.”

  It was meant to be cheeky, but his comment made me feel insecure. I’d done too much. I knew I had. I shrugged, set the sides down on Mickey’s counter, brushed past Jarrod and grabbed the final trays.

  Michael, Jarrod's cousin, was sitting on the couch yelling at the Eagles as they fumbled a ball. I walked out back, and saw that there were half a dozen bikers already here. A few were putting up a pop-up tent with a table set up under it.

  I scanned the guys for Mickey when I finally saw him back by the shed. He was shirtless spraying down an ATV with a hose. Damn, that man when he had no shirt on made me lose all sense. I stood staring until it was like he could feel my eyes on him. He looked up and made eye contact with me, then shut off the hose.

  I moved to him then. When I reached him I kissed him, but not like the deep, desperate kisses I usually gave him. This one was more reserved, as if I wasn't sure of myself anymore.

  “Took ye long enough,” he said with a smile, then grabbed his shirt off a nearby chair.

  “Can we go inside for a minute and um... talk?” Why was I so insecure? He grabbed my hand, and gave Jimmy, one of the prospects, a job to do that involved getting a table down from the rafters of the shed.

  We went to his bedroom, and I couldn't help it. As soon as we were in there, my face blushed bright red thinking about last night.

  He smiled at me, knowing why I was lit up, then he sat on his bed and pulled me into him so that my back was to his front. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. I needed that. How did he know? He always knew what I needed.

  As we sat in silence for several minutes, I began to let go of my insecurities; maybe that was the point. When I told Mickey that we needed to talk, I was going to say to him that I was nervous about being there, and that I realized I needed to be more open about my feelings and less guarded, but feeling as safe as I did, that isn't what came out. Not at all.

  “Every man I’ve ever been close to has hit me.” He sucked in a breath. I knew I surprised him; I surprised myself. “I was sixteen when I left home, and not a ton wiser and older when I met my husband. It didn't start off with him hitting me, and believe it or not, I loved him. I got on the back of his bike the first night I met him and never looked back.

  “I can see now how there were things that should’ve been clues. The way he’d tell me I was going to do something, instead of asking. I thought it was some alpha male thing, but now I realize that even in the beginning it was a method of control. He didn't even really ask me to marry him. I just did it when he showed me a ring. It’s messed up. I can see that now, I couldn’t see that then.

  “He choked me once before I found out I was pregnant, but he blamed it on drugs, and I forgave him after he
made promises he never kept. I even chalked it up to dirty sex, which it wasn't. I made excuses in my head, because it was easier to do that. I realized I ended up with exactly the type of man my momma had. After Talon was born was when it really started. It was bad.”

  I laughed, even though nothing was funny, “Hell, you’ve seen the scars, I guess you already know.” Mickey’s arms around me tightened. “I’d been planning my escape for years, saving tiny amounts. I began going to this church, and they helped me, that’s where I got the car from. He would never have let me have a car. The last time it happened, he was hitting me and kicking me, and I had cum all over my face, and Talon saw him. She yelled, and he stopped, but it made me afraid that he might move on to her like my daddy did with me. As soon as we were able to leave, we did.

  “Gosh, I didn't even mean to spew all of this, but you’re right. We have something good. I don't want to mess it up, but there is so much I’m afraid of. I don't want to lose you because of my fears.”

  “Stop right there.” Mickey squeezed my hip. “Ye won’t lose me. Ye have me.”

  “I talked to Aubrey after you left earlier. I need to tell you when I’m afraid.”

  “Aye, ye do.”

  “Being here with your club scares the shit out of me. You scare me. I’ve been wrong before. I thought my husband was different. I’ve made mistakes that have cost me so much.”

  I couldn't help the tear that fell.

  “Am I anything like him?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Good. Marie, look at me.”

  I turned to face him, and he grabbed my legs spinning me entirely around placing one leg on each side of him.

  “I respect ye. Yer resiliency is yer strength. I’ve never met a woman that has endured so much and fought as hard as ye. I want to hear about everything you’ve gone through. I want to be the person ye feel comfortable with telling yer secrets to. I’ll never judge ye. But Marie, I do need to make a vow to ye.”