‘There’s a lift over there,’ calls the receptionist.
‘It’s fine. I’m in a bit of a hurry.’ A lift would take forever!
I take the stairs at a run, arriving at the second floor gasping for breath and all my nerve endings zinging with exhilaration, as if I’ve just stepped off a particularly hairy roller-coaster.
I race along the corridor but manage to overshoot, arriving at door numbers in the twenties.
Stopping, I force myself to take a breath. Then another and another, telling myself to calm down. Jackson’s not going anywhere. There’s absolutely no rush …
I gallop off again, searching frantically for number thirteen, all logic forgotten. I’ve no idea what I’ll do when Jackson opens the door. I suppose I’m just assuming instinct will tell me.
I find number thirteen and knock urgently on the door, my heart in my mouth.
Can I do this? Yes, of course I can!
The door opens and Jackson is standing on the threshold, smiling at me. ‘Well, this is a surprise,’ he says and stands back to let me in.
I march straight past him and go over to the window, pretending to look out at the view. But I know I’m just stalling for time – and I’ve been doing that for what seems like forever. The time has come for action!
I take a big deep breath, and my reflection in the window stands tall. ‘Jackson, I used to assume all men would find me repulsive. But I don’t believe that any more. I know now that I’m me and I should never feel ashamed of that.’ My voice is shaking slightly, this is so momentous for me. ‘You’ve been saying for ages that you want to see me naked. Well, I’m ready now!’
I swing round, a confident smile on my face. Ready to kick ass – or bare it, at any rate!
The toilet flushes and Jackson wanders out of the bathroom, a quizzical look on his face. ‘Sorry, Roxy, were you saying something?’
My spirits sink a little on finding I’ve just delivered the rousing speech of my life – to a completely empty room. But I grasp my courage in both hands and walk over to Jackson.
‘I was saying that I’m ready for you to see me naked!’
A bemused look crosses his handsome features. ‘But are you sure …? I mean, what about your scars?’
‘That’s precisely what I’m saying. It’s high time I forgot about trying to hide my scars and let people see the real me.’
He grimaces, clearly horrified at the very idea of viewing my scarred skin. As deep down I knew he would be.
Undeterred, I start stripping off. I’m on a mission and every cell in my body is determined to teach Jackson Cooper a lesson. To show him just how bloody self-centred and superficial he actually is!
I fling off every stitch of clothing and stand there in the raw, facing him. Jackson gapes at me, completely lost for words for a moment. Then he gulps and starts gathering up my clothing.
‘You really don’t need to do this, Roxy. It’s not necessary. Come on, put them back on.’
I fold my arms. ‘Absolutely not. You wanted to see me naked. Well, this is it!’
I pause for just a moment. Then, remembering Ruby’s words, I swallow hard and turn around so he can see the livid marks on my shoulder and upper back, and down the back of my arm.
My heart is beating crazily but I tell myself it’s fine. I need to start as I mean to go on, accepting myself exactly the way I am and not being ashamed for people to see the real me. Jackson knows about the scars. It’s not as if they’ll be a shock to him. It’s going to be okay.
I hear Jackson’s intake of breath and my heart plummets painfully. The sudden tension in the room is like a physical thing.
I sit there, waiting, picturing in my mind’s eye what he must be seeing. The reddened rough patches on the left side of my upper body, particularly bad above my shoulder blade. The way the flesh is puckered in places. The uneven skin tone.
All I’ve wanted since the fire was to feel normal, whatever that is. I don’t want a man who’s repulsed by what he sees. I want a man who loves me in spite of my scars. Or even because of them!
The truth is, I want Jackson to touch me. Even though I know we don’t belong together, I’d like him to prove that he’s not the shallow person I now think he is.
I want to be thrown on the bed and manhandled to within an inch of my life!
My mouth curves in a sad smile.
That was never going to happen with Jackson. He’s far too obsessed with physical beauty to be able to love the person beneath the scars. I even wonder if he knows what love actually is.
I know now that in loving Jackson I was never going to win in the happiness stakes. Because he would never have been able to accept me as I truly am.
I turn round and catch the pity in his eyes before he hitches his mouth up in a smile. But I feel fine. I really do. It wasn’t really for his benefit anyway, showing him my scars. It was something I had to do for me. And I feel stronger now that it’s done …
I smile at him. ‘Got to get back to work. Clemmy will be wondering where I am.’
‘Clemmy?’
‘Yes, she’s offered to help while Poppy’s …’ I trail off. ‘And there’s so much to do.’
‘Ah.’ He nods. ‘Yes. Nearly Christmas Day. We’ll soon be back to our normal routines.’ This thought seems to cheer him. I get dressed and he holds the door open for me.
‘Goodbye, Jackson,’ I say to him as I leave.
He looks surprised. ‘Well, I will see you later, Roxy. By the way, I know a brilliant plastic surgeon in Switzerland. I’ll dig out his number and give him a call.’
‘Oh. Right. Thanks.’
‘If anyone can get that skin of yours nice and smooth, it’s this guy.’
I want to say that, actually, the NHS have done a great job and that I doubt his surgeon could get much better results, but he looks so pleased with himself, I just smile sadly.
I leave his room and walk down the corridor feeling as if a weight that’s been bogging me down for years has just rolled off my shoulders.
‘Lazy,’ says a voice as I press the lift button. ‘What’s wrong with the stairs?’
I swing round and Alex is standing there.
Chapter 27
‘Oh, hi!’
‘Here to sample the delights of this wonderful hotel?’ he asks. He says it in a perfectly amiable way but his face seems tense.
I laugh awkwardly. ‘Er, yes. Is your room on this floor?’ I ask, trying to look innocent.
He nods. ‘It’s next door to Jackson’s.’
‘Ah.’ Shit! He must have followed a split second behind me and spotted me coming out of Jackson’s room, which will have given him entirely the wrong impression.
I feel a devastation that seems way out of proportion to Alex jumping to the wrong conclusion. But I can’t exactly come out and say, ‘Hey, I was in Jackson’s room but it was totally innocent!’ Because that would just seem as if I was protesting far too much …
And so, I say nothing, and we stand slightly apart, waiting for the lift in silence.
The lift pings, the door opens and I step inside with relief, eager to get away from Alex’s censure.
Having emerged from Jackson’s room feeling so triumphant, I’ve been hurled into the depths of despair in a matter of seconds! All because Alex now thinks Jackson and I are an item.
We travel to the ground floor in silence.
Then I have to say it because it’s practically bursting out of me. Even if he doesn’t believe me, I need to tell him.
‘We’re not together, you know. Jackson and I.’
Alex shrugs. ‘It’s none of my business.’
I’m about to say that it is his business, but that would be silly. Because of course it isn’t. I’ve no reason to think Alex sees me as anything other than a friend. A friend who has disappointed him.
But I really wish it was his business!
The thought comes to me like a light bulb flashing above my head. I want Alex to care about me enough to
mind that I might be seeing Jackson.
I’m hoping he’ll offer me a lift along to the cabin. And I decide that, if he does, I’ll talk to him and tell him all about what’s been going on with Jackson. I’ll tell him that I’ve finished with Jackson for good and that we were never right for each other in the first place. Then if there’s even a tiny chance that Alex might like me, at least he’ll know …
Getting out of the lift, my heart is hammering at the thought of baring my soul to him …
But as it turns out, he’s just collecting a book from his car.
‘Want a lift along?’ he asks humourlessly.
‘No, thanks,’ I reply stiffly. ‘I fancy a walk.’
‘Okay.’ He turns and walks off without another word, and I feel like sitting down in the snow and crying my eyes out.
Because when I saw his stern face in the corridor just then, clearly so disappointed and so annoyed at me, the full force of my feelings for him hit me so hard I couldn’t even look at him, never mind speak to him.
I know Clemmy is waiting for me to get started on the mince pies, but I need to think so I go over to the rink and stand by the rail, watching the skaters having fun on the ice. I think wistfully of Alex trying to teach me. His patience. His chat. His jokes. The easy way we are with each other. Well, were – until Jackson got in the way big time.
I’ve fallen for Alex hook, line and sinker.
My feelings for him have been growing from the first time we met, but I didn’t even realise it because my judgement was clouded by my feelings for Jackson.
But it can never happen for Alex and me.
Because even if I did manage to convince him that Jackson and I are over … and even if it turns out he does actually have feelings for me … it would be no use anyway because he’ll be flying back to Australia on Boxing Day.
So really, it’s all over even before it’s started!
I can’t believe how devastated I feel at the thought of Alex so far away, living on a different continent. I’ll probably never see him again. Unless he returns next year for Christmas – but by that time, I’m sure he’ll have met someone better …
A girl standing nearby peers at me as if she’s going to ask if I’m all right, so I attempt a smile and hurry away, in the direction of the cabin.
When I get back, Clemmy is sitting at the breakfast bar, munching on a croissant.
With a super-human effort, I paste on a smile. ‘Glad to see you’re off the super-extreme eating plan!’
She gives a little guilty grimace. ‘I feel bad about poor Sophie but I can’t say I’m missing the green food.’
‘Moderation in all things,’ I say. ‘Sorry, that’s so clichéd!’
‘Well, it is – but it’s absolutely right. I just think it’s sad Sophie felt she had to present a certain image in order to hang onto her job.’
‘Parents can have a lot to answer for as well,’ I say, remembering what Ruby told me about Sophie’s mum weighing her every day as a little girl.
‘I think we probably saw Sophie at her worst. Apparently she was really stressed the whole time at the thought of losing her job, but she never told anyone. Except Jackson.’
‘Yes. Relationships, huh?’ My throat tightens up again but I smile and say, ‘Thank goodness you and Ryan are happy! You need to tell me all about your wedding plans while we bake!’
Clemmy’s already so excited about her Big Day, she needs little encouragement to chat about it.
Sylvia needs this batch by four o’clock today, so we bake solidly without even taking a lunch break and Clemmy tells me that now she’s no longer taking part in Sophie’s wedding feature (which she seems quite relieved about), they’ve decided to go for the smaller wedding that Ryan always wanted. Our in-depth discussion about flowers and cakes and cars helps take my mind off Alex and the hopelessness of my feelings for him.
There’s also something really calming about being in the cosy warmth of a kitchen, listening to music on the radio while conjuring mouth-watering results from just a few ingredients. It strikes me as amazing that, even though Poppy isn’t here, we’re still managing to get the job done.
Could I ever have imagined, even a fortnight ago, that I could be directing proceedings here with Clem as my assistant, and successfully turning out hundreds of mince pies and gingerbread Santas that I know Sylvia will be pleased with?
My romantic life might be well and truly on the skids. But I’ve discovered a real passion here at the Log Fire Cabin. Baking is something I never imagined in a million years I could actually do – but apparently I can. And, more than that, I seem to be quite good at it, too.
Sadly, though, Poppy’s contract with Sylvia draws to a close tomorrow, which is Christmas Eve. And that will also be the end of my job here, working with Poppy.
I feel so sad thinking about this. I’ll miss working with Poppy so much. And now that I’ve foolishly stuck my oar in over her baby secret, we probably won’t even part as friends …
Jed calls from the hospital in the afternoon to say that Poppy’s doing well. He sounds elated about the fact that he’s going to be a dad. I’m desperate to know how Poppy feels about him knowing – and if she’s forgiven me for telling him. But of course it’s not the right time to ask. So I congratulate Jed instead and tell him to send Poppy all our love.
Clemmy and I finish the final order and run it over in my car to Sylvia. Then we get back and make dinner together, deciding on a simple pasta dish followed by Eton Mess, made with shop-bought meringues, which makes it really easy to do.
I’m nervous, thinking about seeing Alex again at dinner. But in the end, he doesn’t even make it over. He calls Clemmy to say he’s got a headache and will just have an early night at the hotel.
So we are a very small party at the dinner table, with Poppy, Jed, Sophie and Alex all missing. It’s just as well we have the wedding to talk about – and Ruby’s plans to take up paragliding (much to Gloria’s horror) – otherwise the evening would be completely flat.
I fall asleep with tear-stained cheeks, wishing I’d never met Jackson Cooper and thinking miserably about Alex in his hotel room.
Only one more day and I’ll never have to see him again …
Chapter 28
The following day is Christmas Eve, and Bob somehow manages to get a last-minute booking for dinner at the Enchanted Forest. He’s agreed that Ruby can invite Sam along.
Clemmy and I spend another day baking up a storm – the final day of Poppy’s contract. Later, delivering the mince pies and gingerbread Santas to Sylvia for a final time feels so sad, I even get a lump in my throat. I suppose I’m thinking of Poppy and wondering if she’ll even want to talk to me when she gets back tomorrow.
Alex stays away from the cabin all day and I get the distinct feeling he’s avoiding me. But I’m on my way downstairs, all ready to go out for dinner, when I bump into him in the hall.
He’s just arrived and is taking off his coat and hanging it on a peg. ‘Had a good day?’ he asks.
My heart sinks at his cool tone. He obviously hasn’t forgiven Jackson and me for supposedly going behind Sophie’s back. I wish he’d realise I’m not the bad person he thinks I am.
‘Not bad.’ Despite my best efforts, a sigh escapes.
He frowns. ‘Are you okay? Has something happened?’
I stare at him helplessly.
You could say that! I think I’ve fallen for you and I really want to kiss you but I don’t know if you’d like that, so I can’t!
‘Is it Jackson?’ He’s looking into my eyes as if he really cares. ‘Because I’m sure he really likes you. You’ll get back together if it’s right for you.’
‘But I don’t want to get back with Jackson.’
He frowns at me. ‘You don’t?’
‘No. I told you that yesterday but you obviously didn’t believe me.’ My voice is raised because I’m so eager to make him understand.
He shrugs. ‘Sometimes people don’t actually kno
w what they want until it’s far too late.’ The rough way he says it, his eyes boring into mine, knocks me off track for a moment. I’m used to the friendly, easy-going Alex who I can banter with and who can always make me laugh. I hate this sudden friction between us.
‘What the hell does that mean?’ I demand in frustration.
‘Do you want to be with Jackson or don’t you? If you’ll pardon me saying so, you seem to change your mind with the wind direction!’
The harsh tone of his voice is a shock. He’s looking at me as if I’m a prize idiot, not knowing my own mind.
‘No, I do not want to be with Jackson!’
‘Really?’ The look on his face is close to a sneer.
I fold my arms and glare at him. ‘Yes, really. Why don’t you believe me?’
‘Everything okay, folks?’ Bob saunters down the hall, followed by Gloria and Ruby.
‘Yes, fine,’ we both mutter.
Everyone gathers at the door, putting on boots and coats and gloves. It’s clear the conversation between Alex and I will have to wait. But after my clash with him, I feel as if I’m on the brink of tears all night.
The meal at the Enchanted Forest is lovely but I can barely eat a thing. The whole day has bruised and battered me emotionally and I can’t understand why Alex is still angry with me. The only reason I can think of is that he might be worried about Jackson and how my uncertainty about our relationship might affect his friend.
But even that doesn’t really ring true. I get the feeling that, while Alex and Jackson may have been mates years ago at university, the passage of time has made them into totally different people and they don’t have much in common any more.
I don’t know what the hell is going on with Alex, but one thing I definitely do know: his behaviour is really unsettling me.
Every time he cracks a joke, I keep wanting him to look over at me, like he used to. But it’s as if he’s deliberately ignoring me – even though he knows I’m usually the first one to crack up at his daft remarks.
I can’t believe how devastated I feel.
After the meal, we all head outside into a winter wonderland. The snow, which has been falling gently all day, has started to come down thickly now. We all make for the cars but I’m in such a daze, I completely forget my coat until I feel the frigid air outside, and I have to run back in for it. When I come out again, there’s only Alex lingering outside the entrance, hunched into his own coat, waiting for me. Everyone else seems to have gone.
Second Chances at the Log Fire Cabin Page 20
