“Hi.” He looks like a man who might have aimed the dart at her. What has he done to his wife, his kids? Why isn’t there at least a dog? “Say, I left a note upstairs.”
The note is written in Magic Marker and thumb-tacked to her apartment door. DUE TO PERSONAL REASONS, NAMELY REMARRIAGE, I REQUEST THAT YOU VACATE MY PLACE AT THE END OF THE SEMESTER.
Maya takes the note down and retacks it to the kitchen wall. The whole wall is like a bulletin board, made of some new, crumbly building-material. Her kitchen, Ted Suminski had told her, was once a child’s bedroom. Suminski in love: the idea stuns her. She has misread her landlord. The dart at her window speaks of no twisted fantasy. The landlord wants the tenant out.
She gets a glass out of the kitchen cabinet, gets out a tray of ice, pours herself a shot of Fran’s bourbon. She is happy for Ted Suminski. She is. She wants to tell someone how moved she’d been by Mrs. Chatterji’s singing. How she’d felt in O’Hare, even about Dr. Rab Chatterji in the car. But Fran is not the person. No one she’s ever met is the person. She can’t talk about the dead space she lives in. She wishes Ashoke Mehta would call. Right now.
Weeks pass. Then two months. She finds a new room, signs another lease. Her new landlord calls himself Fred. He has no arms, but he helps her move her things. He drives between Ted Suminski’s place and his twice in his station wagon. He uses his toes the way Maya uses her fingers. He likes to do things. He pushes garbage sacks full of Maya’s clothes up the stairs.
“It’s all right to stare,” Fred says. “Hell, I would.”
That first afternoon in Fred’s rooming house, they share a Chianti. Fred wants to cook her pork chops but he’s a little shy about Indians and meat. Is it beef, or pork? Or any meat? She says it’s okay, any meat, but not tonight. He has an ex-wife in Des Moines, two kids in Portland, Oregon. The kids are both normal; he’s the only freak in the family. But he’s self-reliant. He shops in the supermarket like anyone else, he carries out the garbage, shovels the snow off the sidewalk. He needs Maya’s help with one thing. Just one thing. The box of Tide is a bit too heavy to manage. Could she get him the giant size every so often and leave it in the basement?
The dead space need not suffocate. Over the months, Fred and she will settle into companionship. She has never slept with a man without arms. Two wounded people, he will joke during their nightly contortions. It will shock her, this assumed equivalence with a man so strikingly deficient. She knows she is strange, and lonely, but being Indian is not the same, she would have thought, as being a freak.
One night in spring, Fred’s phone rings. “Ashoke Mehta speaking.” None of this “do you remember me?” nonsense. The god has tracked her down. He hasn’t forgotten. “Hullo,” he says, in their special way. And because she doesn’t answer back, “Hullo, hullo, hullo.” She is aware of Fred in the back of the room. He is lighting a cigarette with his toes.
“Yes,” she says, “I remember.”
“I had to take care of a problem,” Ashoke Mehta says. “You know that I have my vices. That time at O’Hare I was honest with you.”
She is breathless.
“Who is it, May?” asks Fred.
“You also have a problem,” says the voice. His laugh echoes. “You will come to Hartford, I know.”
When she moves out, she tells herself, it will not be the end of Fred’s world.
FATHERING
ENG stands just inside our bedroom door, her fidgety fist on the doorknob which Sharon, in a sulk, polished to a gleam yesterday afternoon.
“I’m starved,” she says.
I know a sick little girl when I see one. I brought the twins up without much help ten years ago. Eng’s got a high fever. Brownish stains stiffen the nap of her terry robe. Sour smells fill the bedroom.
“For God’s sake leave us alone,” Sharon mutters under the quilt. She turns away from me. We bought the quilt at a garage sale in Rock Springs the Sunday two years ago when she moved in. “Talk to her.”
Sharon works on this near-marriage of ours. I’ll hand it to her, she really does. I knead her shoulders, and I say, “Easy, easy,” though I really hate it when she treats Eng like a deafmute. “My girl speaks English, remember?”
Eng can outcuss any freckle-faced kid on the block. Someone in the killing fields must have taught her. Maybe her mama, the honeyest-skinned bar girl with the tiniest feet in Saigon. I was an errand boy with the Combined Military Intelligence. I did the whole war on Dexedrine. Vietnam didn’t happen, and I’d put it behind me in marriage and fatherhood and teaching high school. Ten years later came the screw-ups with the marriage, the job, women, the works. Until Eng popped up in my life, I really believed it didn’t happen.
“Come here, sweetheart,” I beg my daughter. I sidle closer to Sharon, so there’ll be room under the quilt for Eng.
“I’m starved,” she complains from the doorway. She doesn’t budge. The robe and hair are smelling something fierce. She doesn’t show any desire to cuddle. She must be sick. She must have thrown up all night. Sharon throws the quilt back. “Then go raid the refrigerator like a normal kid,” she snaps.
Once upon a time Sharon used to be a cheerful, accommodating woman. It isn’t as if Eng was dumped on us out of the blue. She knew I was tracking my kid. Coming to terms with the past was Sharon’s idea. I don’t know what happened to that Sharon. “For all you know, Jason,” she’d said, “the baby died of malaria or something.” She said, “Go on, find out and deal with it.” She said she could handle being a stepmother—better a fresh chance with some orphan off the streets of Saigon than with my twins from Rochester. My twins are being raised in some organic-farming lesbo commune. Their mother breeds Nubian goats for a living. “Come get in bed with us, baby. Let Dad feel your forehead. You burning up with fever?”
“She isn’t hungry, I think she’s sick,” I tell Sharon, but she’s already tugging her sleeping mask back on. “I think she’s just letting us know she hurts.”
I hold my arms out wide for Eng to run into. If I could, I’d suck the virus right out of her. In the jungle, VC mamas used to do that. Some nights we’d steal right up to a hootch—just a few of us intense sons of bitches on some special mission—and the women would be at their mumbo jumbo. They’d be sticking coins and amulets into napalm burns.
“I’m hungry, Dad.” It comes out as a moan. Okay, she doesn’t run into my arms, but at least she’s come as far in as the foot of our bed. “Dad, let’s go down to the kitchen. Just you and me.”
I am about to let that pass though I can feel Sharon’s body go into weird little jerks and twitches when my baby adds with emphatic viciousness, “Not her, Dad. We don’t want her with us in the kitchen.”
“She loves you,” I protest. Love—not spite—makes Eng so territorial; that’s what I want to explain to Sharon. She’s a sick, frightened, foreign kid, for Chrissake. “Don’t you, Sharon? Sharon’s concerned about you.”
But Sharon turns over on her stomach. “You know what’s wrong with you, Jase? You can’t admit you’re being manipulated. You can’t cut through the ‘frightened-foreign-kid’ shit.”
Eng moves closer. She comes up to the side of my bed, but doesn’t touch the hand I’m holding out. She’s a fighter.
“I feel fire-hot, Dad. My bones feel pain.”
“Sharon?” I want to deserve this woman. “Sharon, I’m so sorry.” It isn’t anybody’s fault. You need uppers to get through peace times, too.
“Dad. Let’s go. Chop-chop.”
“You’re too sick to keep food down, baby. Curl up in here. Just for a bit?”
“I’d throw up, Dad.”
“I’ll carry you back to your room. I’ll read you a story, okay?”
Eng watches me real close as I pull the quilt off. “You got any scars you haven’t shown me yet? My mom had a big scar on one leg. Shrapnel. Boom boom. I got scars. See? I got lots of bruises.”
I scoop up my poor girl and rush her, terry robe flapping, to her room which Sharo
n fixed up with white girlish furniture in less complicated days. Waiting for Eng was good. Sharon herself said it was good for our relationship. “Could you bring us some juice and aspirin?” I shout from the hallway.
“Aspirin isn’t going to cure Eng,” I hear Sharon yell. “I’m going to call Dr. Kearns.”
Downstairs I hear Sharon on the phone. She isn’t talking flu viruses. She’s talking social workers and shrinks. My girl isn’t crazy; she’s picked up a bug in school as might anyone else.
“The child’s arms are covered with bruises,” Sharon is saying. “Nothing major. They look like … well, they’re sort of tiny circles and welts.” There’s nothing for a while. Then she says, “Christ! no, Jason can’t do enough for her! That’s not what I’m saying! What’s happening to this country? You think we’re perverts? What I’m saying is the girl’s doing it to herself.”
“Who are you talking to?” I ask from the top of the stairs. “What happened to the aspirin?”
I lean as far forward over the railing as I dare so I can see what Sharon’s up to. She’s getting into her coat and boots. She’s having trouble with buttons and snaps. In the bluish light of the foyer’s broken chandelier, she looks old, harrowed, depressed. What have I done to her?
“What’s going on?” I plead. “You deserting me?”
“Don’t be so fucking melodramatic. I’m going to the mall to buy some aspirin.”
“How come we don’t have any in the house?”
“Why are you always picking on me?”
“Who was that on the phone?”
“So now you want me to account for every call and every trip?” She ties an angry knot into her scarf. But she tells me. “I was talking to Meg Kearns. She says Dr. Kearns has gone hunting for the day.”
“Great!”
“She says he has his beeper on him.”
I hear the back door stick and Sharon swear. She’s having trouble with the latch. “Jiggle it gently,” I shout, taking the stairs two at a time. But before I can come down, her Nissan backs out of the parking apron.
Back upstairs I catch Eng in the middle of a dream or delirium. “They got Grandma!” she screams. She goes very rigid in bed. It’s a four-poster with canopy and ruffles and stuff that Sharon put on her MasterCard. The twins slept on bunk beds. With the twins it was different, totally different. Dr. Spock can’t be point man for Eng, for us.
“She bring me food,” Eng’s screaming. “She bring me food from the forest. They shoot Grandma! Bastards!”
“Eng?” I don’t dare touch her. I don’t know how.
“You shoot my grandmother?” She whacks the air with her bony arms. Now I see the bruises, the small welts all along the insides of her arms. Some have to be weeks old, they’re that yellow. The twins’ scrapes and cuts never turned that ochre. I can’t help wondering if maybe Asian skin bruises differently from ours, even though I want to say skin is skin; especially hers is skin like mine.
“I want to be with Grandma. Grandma loves me. I want to be ghost. I don’t want to get better.”
I read to her. I read to her because good parents are supposed to read to their kids laid up sick in bed. I want to do it right. I want to be a good father. I read from a sci-fi novel that Sharon must have picked up. She works in a camera store in the mall, right next to a B. Dalton. I read three pages out loud, then I read four chapters to myself because Eng’s stopped up her ears. Aliens have taken over small towns all over the country. Idaho, Nebraska: no state is safe from aliens.
Some time after two, the phone rings. Since Sharon doesn’t answer it on the second ring, I know she isn’t back. She carries a cordless phone everywhere around the house. In the movies, when cops have bad news to deliver, they lean on your doorbell; they don’t call. Sharon will come back when she’s ready. We’ll make up. Things will get back to normal.
“Jason?”
I know Dr. Kearns’s voice. He saw the twins through the usual immunizations.
“I have Sharon here. She’ll need a ride home. Can you drive over?”
“God! What’s happened?”
“Nothing to panic about. Nothing physical. She came for a consultation.”
“Give me a half-hour. I have to wrap Eng real warm so I can drag her out in this miserable weather.”
“Take your time. This way I can take a look at Eng, too.”
“What’s wrong with Sharon?”
“She’s a little exercised about a situation. I gave her a sedative. See you in a half-hour.”
I ease delirious Eng out of the overdecorated four-poster, prop her against my body while I wrap a blanket around her. She’s a tiny thing, but she feels stiff and heavy, a sleepwalking mummy. Her eyes are dry-bright, strange.
It’s a sunny winter day, and the evergreens in the front yard are glossy with frost. I press Eng against my chest as I negotiate the front steps. Where the gutter leaks, the steps feel spongy. The shrubs and bushes my ex-wife planted clog the front path. I’ve put twenty years into this house. The steps, the path, the house all have a right to fall apart.
I’m thirty-eight. I’ve let a lot of people down already.
The inside of the van is deadly cold. Mid-January ice mottles the windshield. I lay the bundled-up child on the long seat behind me and wait for the engine to warm up. It feels good with the radio going and the heat coming on. I don’t want the ice on the windshield to melt. Eng and I are safest in the van.
In the rear-view mirror, Eng’s wrinkled lips begin to move. “Dad, can I have a quarter?”
“May I, kiddo,” I joke.
There’s all sorts of junk in the pockets of my parka. Buckshot, dimes and quarters for the vending machine, a Blistex.
“What do you need it for, sweetheart?”
Eng’s quick. Like the street kids in Saigon who dove for cigarettes and sticks of gum. She’s loosened the blanket folds around her. I watch her tuck the quarter inside her wool mitt. She grins. “Thanks, soldier.”
At Dr. Kearns’s, Sharon is lying unnaturally slack-bodied on the lone vinyl sofa. Her coat’s neatly balled up under her neck, like a bolster. Right now she looks amiable, docile. I don’t think she exactly recognizes me, although later she’ll say she did. All that stuff about Kearns going hunting must have been a lie. Even the stuff about having to buy aspirins in the mall. She was planning all along to get here.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s none of my business, Jason, but you and Sharon might try an honest-to-goodness heart-to-heart.” Then he makes a sign to me to lay Eng on the examining table. “We don’t look so bad,” he says to my daughter. Then he excuses himself and goes into a glass-walled cubicle.
Sharon heaves herself into a sitting position of sorts on the sofa. “Everything was fine until she got here. Send her back, Jase. If you love me, send her back.” She’s slouched so far forward, her pointed, sweatered breasts nearly touch her corduroy pants. She looks helpless, pathetic. I’ve brought her to this state. Guilt, not love, is what I feel.
I want to comfort Sharon, but my daughter with the wild, grieving pygmy face won’t let go of my hand. “She’s bad, Dad. Send her back.”
Dr. Kearns comes out of the cubicle balancing a sample bottle of pills or caplets on a flattened palm. He has a boxer’s tough, squarish hands. “Miraculous stuff, this,” he laughs. “But first we’ll stick our tongue out and say ahh. Come on, open wide.”
Eng opens her mouth real wide, then brings her teeth together, hard, on Dr. Kearns’s hand. She leaps erect on the examining table, tearing the disposable paper sheet with her toes. Her tiny, funny toes are doing a frantic dance. “Don’t let him touch me, Grandma!”
“He’s going to make you all better, baby.” I can’t pull my alien child down, I can’t comfort her. The twins had diseases with easy names, diseases we knew what to do with. The thing is, I never felt for them what I feel for her.
“Don’t let him touch me, Grandma!” Eng’s screaming now. She’s hopping on the table and scr
eaming. “Kill him, Grandma! Get me out of here, Grandma!”
“Baby, it’s all right.”
But she looks through me and the country doctor as though we aren’t here, as though we aren’t pulling at her to make her lie down.
“Lie back like a good girl,” Dr. Kearns commands.
But Eng is listening to other voices. She pulls her mitts off with her teeth, chucks the blanket, the robe, the pajamas to the floor; then, naked, hysterical, she presses the quarter I gave her deep into the soft flesh of her arm. She presses and presses that coin, turning it in nasty half-circles until blood starts to pool under the skin.
“Jason, grab her at the knees. Get her back down on the table.”
From the sofa, Sharon moans. “See, I told you the child was crazy. She hates me. She’s possessive about Jason.”
The doctor comes at us with his syringe. He’s sedated Sharon; now he wants to knock out my kid with his cures.
“Get the hell out, you bastard!” Eng yells. “Vamos! Bang bang!” She’s pointing her arm like a semiautomatic, taking out Sharon, then the doctor. My Rambo. “Old way is good way. Money cure is good cure. When they shoot my grandma, you think pills do her any good? You Yankees, please go home.” She looks straight at me. “Scram, Yankee bastard!”
Dr. Kearns has Eng by the wrist now. He has flung the quarter I gave her on the floor. Something incurable is happening to my women.
Then, as in fairy tales, I know what has to be done. “Coming, pardner!” I whisper. “I got no end of coins.” I jiggle the change in my pocket. I jerk her away from our enemies. My Saigon kid and me: we’re a team. In five minutes we’ll be safely away in the cold chariot of our van.
JASMINE
JASMINE came to Detroit from Port-of-Spain, Trinidad, by way of Canada. She crossed the border at Windsor in the back of a gray van loaded with mattresses and box springs. The plan was for her to hide in an empty mattress box if she heard the driver say, “All bad weather seems to come down from Canada, doesn’t it?” to the customs man. But she didn’t have to crawl into a box and hold her breath. The customs man didn’t ask to look in.
The Middleman and Other Stories Page 11
