YOU ARE FORGIVEN.
Chapter Fifteen
My eyelids feel heavy. I can hear a lot of noise around me, people talking about me like I’m not here.
“I think she is coming around.”
“Gabby, I found another bite. Can you heal this?”
“Why was she left alone?”
My eyes finally open and I can see Will and Gabby and Dani standing over me.
“Welcome Back, Louise!” says Gabby with her usual cheerfulness.
I look at her and say, “Deedy.”
Will helps me sit up. “You need to get your land legs back, Louise.”
“Stop it!” I say, angrily. “I will be fine, but I need Deedy, and I need him NOW. So, if anyone here really wants to help me, get me to Deedy!”
Suddenly, Deedy is striding up behind Gabby. He comes into the lobby, and I realize that is the first time I’ve ever seen him outside his office. “Bring her in, people. I get the feeling Ms. Patterson has a lot to talk about.”
Will and Dani each take an arm and assist me in getting up. It’s amazing how sore an imaginary body can feel. I also get very dizzy once I am on my feet. Dani holds me steady and looks at me with sorrow, “sorry, Louise. I shouldn’t have left you alone.”
“It’s okay. I guess it had to be done,” I say.
“If you only realized how much that is true,” she says with a faraway look in her eyes.
When we enter Deedy’s office, he motions to a chair. They sit me down and Deedy dismisses them with a wave of his long fingers. They leave quickly and I am alone with the man that sent me into the tiny arms of my attackers.
“So, let’s talk,” Deedy says. His smile and his eyes are exuding kindness and complete benevolence.
“I should be pissed at you for sending me there,” I say quietly.
“People have hated me for much less,” he states.
“But, I think I get it now, and I understand why I was supposed to go,” I answer.
“So, that means, you are not mad at me?” he asks.
“I didn’t say that. I just understand. And I remembered everything.”
“What did you remember?” he asks
“My darling girl,” I say to him. “Something you have known all along.”
He just leans his chin on his hands and doesn’t respond.
“My mother told me I was forgiven.” I say to him, almost with accusation.
“Another thing I’ve known all along.” he responds.
“I think I was a decent Mom, but I couldn’t have been,” I say, with new fresh tears welling up in my eyes.
“Why would you say that?” he asks
“How could I have forgotten her? I left her behind. I promised her on my deathbed that I would think of her every day and I didn’t even remember who she was!”
“So, we are back to this.” Deedy says, as he opens up my file.
“Back to what?” I ask him heatedly.
“Do you want to know why you didn’t remember Dinny or Bobby? Or any of the later part of your life, Louise? Here it is, plain and simple. You packed for this journey and all you brought was guilt and despair. You, very meticulously, took out all the good in your life before your death, and even at the last moment instead of declaring love, you made your last words to the people who loved you an apology for your life. Do you understand how much that breaks my heart?”
I look at Deedy through big, wet eyes, “breaks your heart?”
“Yes, because you are my darling girl. You always have been. You are flawed, Louise. You are smart and funny. You are rebellious and a little lazy, especially when it comes to living up to your own potential. You are good-hearted and generous and indiscriminate with your kindness. You recognize beauty in everyday things and people. You are imaginative and a bit of a manipulator. You know how to love, and be loved. You are also selfish and arrogant and foul-mouthed. You make mistakes and you learn from them and you constantly move, striving to be bigger than your own little life. You are amazing. You are human. You are the fragile, yet incredibly strong example of perfection. Just as I imagined you at the beginning of time.” Deedy moves from behind his desk and stands directly in front of me. Not too close to touch, but closer than I’ve ever been to him. Then he says six words that fill my head and heart like rainwater in a barrel.
“You are exactly as I created you, Louise.”
I look up at him. In those amazing eyes.
My Mr. Deedy.
My creator.
God himself.
So, if you could ask God any question, what would it be? This is mine...
“Then, why did you send me to Hell?”
Deedy laughs softly. “Don’t you get it? I didn’t send you to Hell, Louise. You did. You wrapped yourself up in every sin you ever committed and held onto the shame, even when it created overwhelming heat all around you. Even when it put a cover over your eyes so that all you could see around you was clouded or hazy. You cannot even seek me anymore because every time you look up, you choose to be blinded. You could not shake it off, even as you began to remember. Those memories brought you some comfort, but, you still couldn’t bring yourself to let go of the bad and let the good in. Your own memories wanted you so desperately that they started to haunt you. Begging you to be remembered, cherished, and enjoyed. Yet, every day you chose to be blinded by your own guilt.” He gives me a sad smile. “I am not your jailor, Louise. I am your advocate. Here to take you home.”
“So, everyone in Hell is there because they choose to be?” I ask, remembering those demon children. That makes me shudder once again.
“Yes.” Deedy starts, “Some have to be here for a very long time before they can even start on the path that you have almost completed. Others were part of a bigger plan and they need to understand that role before they can seek redemption. Those souls that attacked you so brutally, they are the ones who lived their lives in direct opposition to creation—the angels of destruction that have to be there to make room for more achievement. Yet, they punish themselves more than any other, seeking out a way to start over. That’s why they not only come to Hell, but they come as children. Now they are fulfilling a new purpose, like forcing you to remember who you really are. And believe it or not, Louise, even they will eventually make their way back to me.”
“So, you just help each of us, a soul at a time, remember you?” I ask with awe.
“There is no shepherd that will leave a single sheep behind.” he says smiling.
“Thank you.” I say, with true and deep gratitude. “Thank you for finding me.”
As Deedy makes his way back behind his desk, I suddenly realize that I have an audience with the Alpha and Omega. So, I say, “Can I ask you some questions about life and stuff?”
He throws his head back and laughs out loud. “Nope.” he says, “But I’m glad to see you are back to your old self. Looks like you can handle this,” and he pushes a sticky note across the desk.
“Another job?” I look at him incredulously.
“Just one more,” he says.
With just a cursory glance at the note I see initials pop off the page and I look at Deedy with a steely stare. “Really? IP&FW?”
“Follow the instructions on the note, Louise. And I hope to see you soon.”
With that, I am dismissed from the Second Chance Temp Agency for the last time.
There is no going back to my cramped apartment for a fit full night’s sleep filled with dreams and haunting images. There will never be another horrific outfit come out of my supernatural closet. Speaking of, as I walk out into the street, I notice two things. One, my dress has been replaced with a very comfortable night shirt. That must have happened when I was unconscious. I didn’t really have time to process it, what with the whole discovering that my boss was actually God and I am a Mom and other wondrous revelations like that.
Secondly, while I am still very much in Hell, noting the buildings and the other folks I am sharing the street with, the tem
perature has cooled quite a bit. It feels like spring outside. Not too hot, not too cold. Like there is something new in the air. I suddenly realize, that something new, is me and my eternity. I was forgiven before I died by everyone but myself. Today, I realized how precious forgiveness is, especially when you bestow it to yourself.
I’m heading down a very familiar block toward IP&FW, feeling like skipping or dancing but holding it together and walking. No need to attract more attention than is necessary. I pass by Mrs. Barnes’ house and look in her side yard. There she is with a watering can, watering the most beautiful garden I’ve ever seen.
“Mrs. Barnes! How good to see you again!” I yell out to her
“Louise? So glad to see you!” she answers warmly. “Or to be more correct, so glad you can see me!”
“See you?” I ask.
“Well dear, you have walked by here at least a dozen times since the day we met. I’ve called out to you and tried to get your attention, but, you always walk on by. I figured you would see me at some point,” she says kindly.
“Well, today has been a day of discoveries, so I’m glad you and your beautiful garden were among them,” I say. And I mean it. I am so happy that she is not in Hell as we know it. She is in her own little version of paradise surrounded by beautiful flowers.
“Well, I like to help Deedy when I can,” she says. “Hopefully your assistance with creating this lovely garden helped bring about one or two of those discoveries?”
“Very much. Thank you,” I say and lean over the fence to give her a peck on the cheek. She returns my token of affection by kneeling and picking a single Calla lily. “Here, Louise. My favorite flower, for you.”
I take the flower and say my goodbyes. Wow, so Deedy has secret helpers who choose to live down here in order to facilitate his bringing souls home. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that George is probably one too. But, Bad Santa? Ugh... Probably not.
I turn a corner and am instantly confronted with my old employer, IP&FW. I re-read the instructions on the sticky note and put it away. I end up taking it out again and reading it one more time. I think I’ve got it.
So, I stand directly in front of the entrance and turn around so that the building is at my back. Then I look across the street to the building over there. It seems so tall and big that the entire IP&FW building is reflected on the front of it. Then I walk across and into the door reflected by IP&FW. See why it took three times to make sure I had it right? I am walking into a reflection of a door!
I walk into a brightly lit lobby and cool air hits me in the face. Cool air! Everything is white on white. There are marble walls with sparkly bits that shimmer under recessed lighting. The tables and desks are made of glass. Likewise there is a huge sign over the reception area that says, WF&PI made of crystal. I stop to wonder about that. There is a huge and incredibly soft carpet that is pure white with a pale blue border the color of our lost sky. The border keeps the room grounded — otherwise everything would seem to be floating. Even now it feels like sitting on a cloud. Is this Heaven? Maybe, I’ve finally made it. People are walking around with smiles on their faces and wearing normal clothes. They stop and talk and hug and laugh. It has been such a long time since I’ve seen this kind of communal, well, Joy. This place is awesome! Suddenly I hear a familiar voice walking through the lobby yelling, “Louise Patterson! Louise Patterson!” I look up and see Will eyeing me with a wide grin and back in his monkey suit.
“Will!” I say and run up and hug him. I hold him tight for a minute just relishing in human contact. “So, is this what you do? Just jump from building to building being the elevator man when you aren’t stalking me all over Hell?” I question.
“Actually,” he starts while pushing the button on the elevator and guiding me into it, “I go wherever you go. Or at least I did. I think this is my last assignment as, Louise Patterson’s guardian angel.” He says, playfully and hits the 150th floor button.
“Are you really my Guardian Angel?” I ask, then it registers where we are headed. “Holy shit! That is majorly high up isn’t it?” I feel a familiar panic. Has it really been just a few days since the first time I went to the agency and had this same reaction over 37 floors?
“Yes, and I remember that you turned out to be fine. Suck it up, Lou,” he says with total familiarity and affection. “And yes, I was your guardian angel. And I feel I should tell you that you were my first,” he said.
“Explains your lack of covert surveillance skills,” I say teasingly, my grin getting wider and wider. “And you realize that means that you will remember me, above all, for eternity.”
“I imagine that is very true,” he says. “Here we are. Are you ready, Louise?”
“Absolutely.” I step off the elevator into my new eternity.
The first person I see is Gabby. Well, I say person. But Gabby has wings. “Gabby! You’ve grown wings!” She laughs her tinkling laugh and approaches me. “Louise, I’ve always had wings. You just never saw them until now.”
“Like Mrs. Barnes and her garden,” I deduce.
“Yep. Like an awful lot of things around you. There is so much for you to see now. But, for right now, I’d like to welcome you to WF&PI, which stands for Watching Family and Positively Influence. Are you ready to check in on your loved ones on earth?”
I just stare at her. Gaping like a fish out of water. “I get to look in on my family?” I say with a voice that is trembling.
“Of course you do, Louise. Follow me.” She floats ahead of me. ‘So, that’s why she floats! She was flying with her pretty wings the whole time and I couldn’t see it,’ I think to myself.
I look at Will who is walking next to me. “So, why don’t you have wings?” I ask
“Not every angel has wings. You have to be an Archangel to get a wing span like Gabrielle’s.”
“Gabrielle? I’ve always thought it was Gabriel.” I say with surprise.
“Yeah, well, am I allowed to tell her?” he asks Gabby.
“Go ahead,” she says with a smile.
“Okay, see there’s a bunch of literature out there that claims to know about us and about the boss. Of course, there are a precious few, whose names I will not mention, that profess to be the literal word of God. But, while every single one of them were placed there by us or divinely inspired by us, well, we had to allow for a little misinformation. You know, otherwise there would be no point in faith,” he explains.
“So, every text has some truth? Every religion is a little right? Isn’t that kinda messed up? I mean, we’ve had wars and inquisitions and burning times over different religions, different points of view of over God and who he is — with each one thinking they are all right and everyone else is all wrong!” I say, with a touch of aggression.
“Again, what is faith? You guys are still learning about what faith is. It used to be using magic and knowing that the seasons will change and the crops will grow because of it. Then it was all about wandering in the desert and knowing that if you are willing to sacrifice an animal, then God will be pleased. Or knowing which of a hundred names to use for God is the correct on, for a certain request. Now, for a lot of you it’s about going to church and singing hymns and tithing. Someday, you will get to the point where you realize that each and every one of you is a single piece of a giant puzzle and if you truly want to hear the voice of God, all you have to do is be quiet and listen to your own soul,” Will recites that as if from rote memorization.
“Very good, Will,” says Gabby. “You’ll be an excellent angel.” Then she turns to me. “Enough questions, Louise. Now it’s time for you to enjoy your redemption. See anyone familiar?” She moves out of my line of sight and I squeal like a child.
“Daddy!” I say and run up to him. I touch him and he’s real! He’s really here. “Baby Girl!” He holds me and I’m transported back to every great memory I have of me and my father. I sink my face into his chest and try to fuse with him. “I love you so much, Dad,” I say.
“I love you too, sweetie,” he answers.
“Oh! This means you’re dead!” I say, looking at him with sorrow.
“Of course it does. But, don’t worry. I had a long and wonderful life. The only disappointing thing was getting here and finding out that you were stuck in Hell. They explained everything to me and told me that I would get to see you eventually. So I’ve been waiting patiently for you, hoping you would remember how great you are and come find me. When Gabby called and said you’d be here today all I could think was, thank God you made it, for today of all days!”
“Today of all days? What happens today?” I ask.
“Come see,” he says with anticipation in his voice. We go into a small private room. Still white on white with a huge sofa that looks like you could sink into it and get lost in its comfort. We sit down and a huge computer screen appears on the wall in front of us. It looks like something from a futuristic movie. Kind of holographic but still projected on the wall. We are looking inside Rev. Dawson’s church from above. There is a crowd gathering inside. Some of them are people I know, I remember. Others are strangers.
Speaking of crowds, this room is getting crowded too. I look up and more and more people are entering. My grandparents, who passed away when I was young, I look at them and wave. They wave back. There are others whom I don’t recognize and Will who comes by and sits on the arm of the sofa next to me. I look up and him and grin.
“There are no words for how I feel right now,” I say to him.
“Just watch and enjoy.” says Will patting me on the shoulder.
There are now voices coming from the computer screen and I instantly zero in on one. It’s the voice of my Mom. She’s talking to a beautiful woman dressed as a bride. Mom looks old. Other than that, she is my mother and once again salty tears start to flow. “I miss you, Mom,” I say to myself.
“You look absolutely gorgeous, Dinny,” Mom says.
Dinny! That woman is my daughter!
“Grandma. My name is Linda. I’m 34 years old, now. Don’t you think I am a little too old to be called Dinny?” she rolls her eyes and I laugh. She only looks like me when she’s making sarcastic faces. Other than that she is the perfect morph of me and Bobby. “She turned out to be a looker and a half!” I say, proudly. “Like mother like daughter,” Dad says next to me. “And wait until she gets outside the church and you hear the mouth on that girl. The acorn did not fall far from the tree,” he smiles down on me.
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