by Alex Rosa
I nod my agreement as both men chuckle as they watch.
“When are you going to th-leepover again? I want you to make me breakfast and color!”
That’s when time freezes as arctically as our surroundings. The wind no longer whispers by, and the hum of conversations from the public around us seems to quiet. I can only hear my own heartbeat and it sounds like a frantic bass drum between my ears.
I laugh, but it comes out as a gasp. Noah and Troy are no longer laughing.
It isn’t until someone speaks that I have the guts to look up.
“What did she just say?”
My eyes collide with Noah’s who’s not staring at Lizzy, but at me. The storm of confusion and possible betrayal brewing in his hazel eyes eats at me.
I haven’t had time to process what Troy might be doing, but he interjects. “She didn’t say anything.”
“—Shut up, Troy.” Noah cuts him off. He’s still looking at me as if I should explain. I’m about to respond with something flippant, and maybe even a lie, but Noah gives up on me too quickly as he turns to the rosy cheeked seven year old in my arms who I’m lightly placing back on the snow.
“Elizabeth?”
Unknowingly and adorably she reaches for a clump of snow on the ground to play with as she replies, “Ye-th, Uncle Noah?”
“What did you just say?” he repeats sternly.
She shrugs, and I fear her innocence in the worst possible way as she says without a care in the world, “Julia stayed the night! She and daddy made me eggs, and then we colored and watched a movie!”
She jumps in glee as she ends the sentence. She acts as if we took her to Disneyland. I wish I could bask in her love of the morning, because it was as wonderful as her tone implies. Lizzy cuddled between Troy and me on the couch while we watched a movie and secretly held hands.
I feel the need to run and hide as my face heats and burns.
Noah snaps his head up to look at me. “Julia, what’s she talking about?”
Can I lie now? I can’t possibly put Lizzy’s words on the line and call them false. This is horrible. I think I’ve stopped breathing.
My eyes well with tears. “Noah, please. It’s hard to explain.”
“Hard to explain?” he exclaims. “So, you did stay the night at Troy’s?”
Lizzy is furiously nodding below us as World War III erupts above her. Noah’s face is harder than it’s ever looked. He’s angry, and he has every right to be.
This is the moment I feared the most.
A tear falls from my eye. “Noah, please listen. It wasn’t supposed to get out of hand like this. I … I…” I want to tell him that my plan was to let him go this afternoon but the fact feels almost spiteful and I can’t utter it out loud.
“Noah, it’s not her fault,” comes from Troy. “It just happened. She cares about you a lot and—“
“Are you f—kidding me right now?” he utters, hiding his profanity in the presence of his niece. He rubs over his scruff, dumbfounded by the situation.
“I am so s-sorry,” I stutter.
“How long has this been going on?”
Noah won’t look at me now. His searing gaze is on his brother, and he looks about ready to get violent as his brows tighten above his electric orbs.
Troy answers, “Nothing’s been going on, but I’d be lying if I haven’t had feelings for her for a while. You deserve the truth.”
I cringe. Troy, this is not the time.
“How could you do this? You knew how I felt about her! I talked to you about it, and you just sat there acting like you gave a shit.”
I’ve never seen Noah so angry. The memory of Troy’s story about their arguments and physical fights comes to mind, and I feel the need to do something.
“Stop, please. This is my fault. Noah, this is MY fault. I care about you—“
“Julia, stop.” He’s still not willing to look at me as he continues to berate his brother. “Troy, what were you thinking? Is this payback? You had to go fooling around with the one girl who I couldn’t stop thinking about! This is you being an asshole, isn’t it?”
Lizzy is now confused and staring up at us in the heat of the argument. The happiness in her eyes has vanished and replaced with bemused fear. I want to pick her up and hold her close, but that isn’t my place.
“Noah! C’mon, bro! I don’t do the vengeance thing! You know that! Trust me when I tell you I had feelings for her before I realized you two were even dating! I didn’t know how to be honest about it when I realized who she was. What was I supposed to say? I tried staying away. I’ve been trying to salvage your feelings all this time. I know it doesn’t seem like that, but I was.”
“How is that possible? You slept with my girl!” Noah’s arms spring outward and shove Troy’s chest. It’s only hard enough to make him stumble back a step.
“Don’t do this, Noah. I forgave you, and you have to forgive me.”
Noah shakes his head and both hands come up to run through his hair in frustration and maybe a bit of panic. “Like fuck I do. Remember how we got over it then?”
They’re talking about Troy’s ex-wife and my heart constricts in my chest. This is my mess.
Troy nods as if he knows what’s coming.
“I expected more from you, but …” Noah practically whispers it, but his fist comes out a lot faster than his words as it collides with Troy’s face.
Both Lizzy and I shriek as Troy falls back onto the snow. He didn’t even put up a fight. Lizzy runs to her Dad’s side and begins to cry. I’m just standing there as Noah shakes out his hand from the punch.
He shakes his head, aghast with the situation before looking back down at Troy. “You know you deserve more than that, but I can’t even look at you.”
His eyes reluctantly shift to mine and what’s more frightening than the punch, or his outburst, is that his anger evaporates when his eyes lock onto mine. Instead, he just looks devastated.
He opens his mouth to speak, but then shuts it, clenching his eyes as he does it.
“Noah, I—“
He raises a hand, cutting me off. “I’m an idiot,” he utters so quietly I don’t think I’m supposed to hear it.
That’s when he walks away in the opposite direction.
I look down at Troy who has Lizzy tugging at his jacket sleeve, her face welling with confused tears and hurt. His eye is already swelling, and I so badly want to fling myself to his side. In a different world maybe I’d even attempt to kiss the wound better, but I can’t.
He nods his head as if he knows what I’m going to do, and that’s when I chase after Noah Weston.
It doesn’t take me long to catch up with him.
“Please, wait!” I shout.
He gives in to me like he always has. He stops and turns around. He even shoots me the saddest smirk I’ve ever seen.
I am a terrible person.
“What’s there to say, Jules?” he shrugs.
I shake my head, staring down at my fidgeting hands, and realize he deserves my full attention. I force my hands to my sides and stare up at him. Even among the chaos he takes a step forward to be closer to me.
“It wasn’t supposed to end like this, Noah. I never meant to hurt you. Please know that.”
“I’m so fucking pissed I don’t even know what to do with this anger.” He scratches at his scruff with both hands as if a wild beast might break through at any moment
I wince. “This is my fault. Don’t be mad at Troy, be mad at me.”
“It makes me even angrier that you’re defending him.”
“I-I’m sorry. I just—“
“Julia, what went wrong? I wish I could figure it out.”
I can’t help myself as my hands come up to the lapels of his jacket. I tug at them like a child would, begging for forgiveness. He tilts his head to get a better look at me, and I hate that his eyes soften.
“You did nothing wrong.�
� I take a deep breath knowing the truth hurts, but there isn’t a way around it. “It just wasn’t working for me, but I tried to make it. I can’t fathom the words to tell you how much I care for you, and how much I never wanted to hurt you. Never doubt the feelings I had for you. I’m serious. I know it seems cruel for me to say, but I mean it. I had a choice from the beginning and I chose you because I wanted us to work out.” I pause, letting my eyes fall to the frosty sidewalk and then back at him, knowing whatever I say will be painful. “Troy was an accident I couldn’t fight anymore. I tried. I tried with us too, but …”
“… But you couldn’t make it work. I get it. I suspected during our double date. I had a feeling, but then again, the way you kissed me …”
He can’t bring himself to finish his sentence as he lets his head fall slack.
My heart tumbles from my chest and shatters on the icy pavement. My hands reach up for his face. “I never lied about how I felt about you. Those kisses were real.”
He allows himself to lean into my touch, and I don’t know why he’s doing it.
“The way Troy stares at you is real, too. I sensed it. Troy is a prick by nature, but I’ve noticed he isn’t when you’re in the vicinity or even the topic of conversation. I figured it was him being a good brother. Boy, was I fucking wrong.”
My hands fall from his face.
“Noah, I was going to break up with you. I wasn’t going to string you along. I knew this was going to hurt, and please believe that this is killing me. I just knew that none of this was fair. Troy …” I huff, “… Troy never wanted to hurt you either. There was never anything going on throughout the time we were together.” I bite my lip, hating myself. “… Except at the end. We’ve become friends at work and things were just hard to ignore.”
“I see it in you, too, but it’s when you look at Elizabeth. When you call her that nickname. You stare at her the way Troy does. Your face lights up like his at the mention of her. It was like both of them had won you over. I didn’t know what it meant when I noticed, but it makes sense now. Everything makes sense now. I just hate that I found out this way.”
It’s like his words have a vice grip on my heart and he’s just squeezed, hard.
“So, you like him? I mean, really?” he asks with a curious stare but pain behind each word.
I wipe at the corner of my eyes damning the tears I hate so much. “Yeah, I guess I do.”
Noah turns away. “Fucking asshole,” he spits out.
“Be mad at me. Why aren’t you mad at me?”
He clenches his jaw as he turns back. “I am mad at you. I’m fucking furious, but I don’t deserve you, Jules. Karma’s a bitch. I hate Troy for what he did, but I guess I thought I skipped past this misfortune. It was bound to happen. I haven’t been completely honest with you, and maybe it doesn’t matter now, but I ruined Troy’s marriage for doing something just as shitty.”
I want to tell him I already know everything, but I can’t.
He continues as his face contorts as if he’s changing tact. “But fuck Troy. He didn’t need to do this to me. The decent thing to do would’ve been for you to talk to me about it, or dump me … but I guess that was in the cards anyways. I’m just the chump.” He runs another frustrated hand through his hair. “Fuck, Troy,” he repeats. “It’s so much more than his ex-wife, it’s everything, maybe even life! This is his way of getting back at me.”
This is when I get slightly offended.
“He didn’t choose to like me to piss you off, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
He rolls his eyes. “Jules, stop. I know, but Troy …” he grunts, seething under his grimace as he thinks. “It’s a brother thing, and as far as I’m concerned I can’t look at him. I want nothing to do with him. I like you, Jules, a lot! Maybe we were doomed anyway, but I-I…”
His hands come up to my face, shocking me. “If I stand here any longer I won’t be able to look at you either. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s over. I get it, but I can’t just get over this instantly. I have to go or I’ll explode. The old me would’ve torn through this park and probably continued to beat the living shit out of Troy. And trust me Jules, I want to do that. I want to explode. That’s why I have to walk away. To salvage my dignity …” he gulps down hard. “… And my heart.”
A sniffle breaks through my barrier. “What if it doesn’t have to be like this? You are going to meet someone who loves you the way you deserve, Noah. I’m the terrible person. Be mad at me. I want you to.”
With my face still in his grasp his face scrunches up in disbelief. “I don’t want anyone else right now.”
In a panic to ease his ailing heart my mind begins to grasp at straws, but it’s an attempt riddled with guilt and the need to change the situation, which makes it wrong.
“What about Megan? You two seemed to hit it off—“
“—Julia are you trying to make me more furious?”
I can feel his whole body tense, even in his hands. He lets go of me, shaking his head.
“I’m sorry,” I shrug. “I just thought you two like to run and do all those things I don’t. Maybe she’d be a better fit for you—“
He cuts me off again. “Was this your plan Jules?” he scoffs, and I know I’ve made a stupid mistake. “You were just going to break my heart and pawn me off on your friend? I don’t want Megan. I want you.”
I cower at his tone and my tears begin to spill down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Noah. I’m being stupid. I’m just—I just don’t want you to hurt.”
His anger doesn’t leave his face as it etches itself in the creases of his eyes and the lines around his mouth. “Too late, Jules. You fell for my brother. Everything’s ruined.”
I don’t have any more words. His look of defeat tells me there’s nothing I could say anyway.
He shrugs, but his eyes are stone cold. “When it was good, it was good, but now it’s over. I don’t want anything to do with either one of you.”
My breath catches in my throat, caught by the sob that wants to escape. I mouth the words I’m so sorry one last time before he turns around and heads the opposite direction.
I consider running back to Troy, or even running after Noah again, but the truth is: Noah is right. Everything is ruined. In every way possible.
“Lizzy, please stop,” I groan as I lie on the couch. I lightly push away the frozen bag of peas she keeps trying to press to my face. This is her third attempt after I had tossed the bag on the coffee table.
“But Daddy …” she whines as she wiggles in frustration beside the couch, her tiny feet pitter-pattering on the rug frantically as if on the verge of a tantrum.
I hate hearing that tone, and I don’t know how to handle the situation. Giving in, I lift my chin so she can press the bag back to my face.
“Why did Uncle Noah hit you?”
What a question.
“I don’t know, Lizzy,” I sigh.
“You’re lying!” she squeals, and when it collides with her sniffles I’m tempted to reply, “You’re more emotional than my mother,” but she wouldn’t understand.
“Adult problems are complicated,” is my only rebuttal.
She sticks out her tongue and blows out air, making a blubbering sound.
“Lizzy, do you ever think we’re just crazy?”
She tilts her head while pressing the bag of peas almost too hard onto my face, but I wince through it.
“Crazy?” she asks, confused.
“The people taller than you.”
I’m supposed to be implying adults, but she doesn’t know what I’m saying, and I can’t help my own delirious chuckle.
“Did he punch you because of Julia?”
I freeze. “Lizzy, stop being smarter than your own good.”
This gets her to giggle and I feel a little a bit better. I pull in a deep breath as I peel the peas from my face, and take the bag from her hands, tossing it back on the coffee table
. I bring my hands back to her face, running my thumbs over her cheeks. Even my own daughter is too good for me.
“Do you like Julia?” I ask her, knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it from her.
She nods. “She let’th me color. She also listen-th to me. She told me I’d have lot-th of friends th-omeday, and they’d want to be my friend-th!”
Her enthusiasm makes me laugh. “You talk to Julia?”
She nods again and reaches for the bag of peas. I wave her off. “I’m fine, Lizzy.”
When she giggles it catches my attention by its girly tone. “What’s so funny?” I ask.
“You call me Lizzy now, too! I like it.”
I rub at my eyes, dumbfounded that Julia has seemingly cemented herself into my life.
“Daddy?”
“Hm?”
“Do you like Julia?”
I lift my hands away from my face, more curious to examine my daughter’s wide expectant eyes.
“Sure, I do.” More than you can possibly imagine.
“Did Uncle Noah hit you because you like Julia?”
I don’t know how to respond. I stare blankly at her. It’s almost too much for me to process. Is she seven or twenty-five? Every time I blink she gets cleverer. It’s going to end me. Like this moment.
“Uncle Noah like-th Julia, too.”
I nod. “He does.”
She goes quiet as if the little cogs in her brain are processing the situation. “I’m th-orry—”
I don’t want her saying any more because I never give her enough credit. I grab for her, lifting her to my chest, pulling her into a hug.
“You don’t have to be sorry about anything.”
She hugs back, but is quickly squirming out of my grasp as she fights a yawn.
“Here,” she says. I think she’s grabbing for the peas again, and I almost start arguing with her, but when she places my cell phone in my hand I’m stunned. I can’t help the funny crooked hook to my lips as I watch her.
“What’s this for?”
“Call Julia.”
“Lizzy, why?”
“She looked really th-ad when she walked away.” Out of nowhere Lizzy pulls her rhino stuffed animal free from the couch cushion and hugs Sniffles close as she watches me dial her number without hesitation. She looks on eagerly while clutching the toy.
