by Allan Cole
"Tha’ oot spake braw Horatius.
Th’ cap’ ae th’ gate:
T’ every man upon the airt,
A fat lip cometh soon or late."
The fat lip was a miner’s smashed faceplate and a near-fatal concussion.
Alex was too busy to see the man fall as he grabbed a swinging, grab-iron-wielding arm and shoved the grab iron into a third miner’s gut, exploding the pressurized suit.
"Ae Astur’s throat Horatius
Right fi rmly pressed his heel . . ."
That miner gurgled into oblivion.
"An’ thrice an four times tugged amain . . ."
..."Sorry lad for the poetic license..."
"Ere he wrenched out the steel."
The miners pulled back to regroup. Alex turned his suit oxy supply to full and waited. The mob — only half of it was still interested in fi ghting — grew hesitant.
"Wae none who would be foremost
To lead such dire attack;
But those behind criet ‘forrard.’
An’ thae before cried for their wee mums."
That was too much, and the miners phalanxed forward. A phalanx works very well, so long as nobody takes out the front rank. Alex went fl at in the dome’s muck and rolled toward the onrushing miners. The front rank stumbled and went down, effectively blocking the airlock.
And Alex was running amok in their rear. The ram of his helmet was as effective as his feet and fists, and then the mob was hesitating, turning, and running down the narrow passageways, away from Alex.
He collected himself, chopped his suit’s air supply, and opened hisfaceplate, breathing deeply to let the euphoria and adrenaline ebb somewhat.
"It stands some’eres or other
Plain for all to see.
Wee Alex in his kilt an’ socks
Dronk upon one knee
An’ underneath is written
In letters ae of mold
How valiantly he kept th’ bridge
Ee the braw days ae old."
Alex looked around, hoping for an appreciative audience. There was none — the battle casualties were either terminal, moaning for a medico, or crawling away at speed. But Alex wasn’t bothered.
"Tha," he went on, "wa a poem Ah learn’t a’ m’ mither’s knee an’ other low joints."
*****
The Setup:
Holed up in their safehouse - The Blue Bhor - Sten is sicker than a reek-sprayed cur. Alex, of course, is anxious to appear sympathetic.
The Joke:
"Are y' finished, wee Sten," Alex inquired gently.
Sten coughed and straightened from the commode. Too quickly; his guts spasmed and he heaved again.
"Advice, lad," Kilgour went on. "When y’ feel a wee furry ring comin’t up on y’, swallow fast, since it’s y’r bung."
*****
The Setup:
Rykor - the walrus-like alien who is the Mantis Section's top shrink - has just finished wringing information from the little creep who killed the Emperor's favorite Joygirl. It was hard work, and Alex felt that she needed refreshment.
The Joke:
Alex went to Rykor’s tank and looked properly respectful. "Lass, since y’ no drinkit, Ah dinnae ken wha’ y’ should have as ae reward.
"Perhaps a wee fi sh?"
Rykor heaved, flippers coming out of the tank and smashing down, salt water cascading over the room.
For a moment Sten thought she was in convulsions.
"Sergeant Kilgour!" Rykor finally managed as the waves subsided, "and for all these years I felt you humans lacked humor. You are a good man."
"Alex," Sten crooned as he walked over and draped an arm around his sergeant. "At last we’ve found someone who understands your jokes.
"Your next assignment will be as a walrus."
*****
From The Alex KilgourToxic Scrapheap
Alex surveyed his team and decided they needed a little cheering up.
He said, "A man was waitin' fur his guidwife tae gie birth. Th' doctur cam an' informed th' dad 'at his son was born withit a torso, arms, ur legs. Th' son was jist a heed!
But th' dad loo'd his son an' raised heem an aw as he could. Eighteen years later, th' son was auld enaw fur his first narcobeer. Th' dad took heem tae a pub, tearfully tauld heem he was prood ay heem, an' ordered th' biggest, strongest narcobeer fur his son.
Wi' aw th' bar patrons lookin' oan curioosly, th' son took his first sip and... Swoooop! a torso popped out!
The bar was deid silent, 'en burst intae a whoop ay joy. Th' faither, shocked, begged his son tae drink again. Th' patrons chanted, "Drink anither bevvy! Drink anither bevvy!"
Th' bartender shook his heed in dismay. But th'n - Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. Th' faither, greetin' an' wailin', begged his son tae drink again.
Th' patrons chanted, "Drink anither bevvy! Drink anither bevvy!"
But th' bartender ignored th' whole affair.
By thes time, th' son was gettin' tipsy. Wi' his new hans, he reached doon, grabbed th' narcobeer, an' guzzled th' lest ay it.
N' swoooop! Tois legs popped out!
The bar was a-shout. Th' faither grat wi' joy.
Th' son stuid up oan his new legs. He stumbled tae th' left. He stumbled tae th' reit.
'En he stumbled ben th' front duir an' intae th' causey, whaur a truck ran heem ower.
The bar feel silent.
Th' faither moaned wi' grief.
Th' bartender merely sighed an' said, "He shoods hae quit while he was a heed."
*****
STEN 4 - Fleet Of The Damned
The Book:
Sten’s luck seems to have deserted him. Having been assigned a tacdivision in the Fringe Worlds, he soon discovers that the Imperial Officers are more interested in having fun than honing their fighting skills. The enemy Tahn couldn’t have picked a better time or place to launch their long–planned attack against the Empire. Sten and his men are outgunned and outmanned… But Sten isn’t going to give up without a fight.
*****
The Setup:
In the previous book, Court Of A Thousand Suns, just about everything went wrong that could go wrong. The Eternal Emperor was rescued, to be sure, but his diplomatic Tahn guests were not. Now, the Empire is at war with the dreaded Tahn. Sten and Alex wind up in the Imperial Navy running a fleet of futuristic PT-Type spacecraft. As things go from bad to worse, Alex attempts to tell the dreaded "Spotted Snakes" story.
The Joke:
Alex leaned closer to him to whisper. "Ah could warm 'em up, if ya like, lad. Tell 'em a wee joke or three."
"No jokes," Sten said firmly.
Alex’s response was immediate gloom."No' even the one about the spotted snakes? Tha's perfect for a braw crew such as this."
"You will especially avoid the one about the spotted snakes. Kilgour, there are laws about cruel and unusual punishment. And if you even dream spotted snakes, I'll have you keelhauled."
*****
(Later - The Second Spotted Snake Attempt)
"They'll have eaten all the food by the time we get there," Foss said. Then he remembered himself. "Begging your pardon, sir."
"What other choice do we have?"
"Ah could alw'ys tell tha spotted snake story," Kilgour offered. "Just ta keep our spirits up, like."
(Once again, Sten puts the Kabosh on the joke. But, later on...)
"Puir lad," Alex sympathized. "It's aye the pressure cooker a' command. T' be't so young an' so brainburned."
"You have a better idea?"
"Ah do. An evil plan. Worthy ae a Campbell. Best ae all, it means we dinnae e'en hae't' be around't' be causin't braw death an' destruction."
"GA."
"If y' buy't, can Ah tell the lads ae th' wee spotted snakes?"
"Not even if your plot'll win the war single-handed.
(Still Later: Another try...)
"I'm not running a combat unit," Sten groaned. "This is a clottin' divinity
school!"
"Puir tyke," Alex sympathized. "Next he'll be thinkin't tha be rules a' war. P'raps it'd cheer y' lad, if Ah told th' story ae th' spotted snakes again."
Sten grinned. "I'd keelhaul you, Alex. If I had a keel.
(The Spotted Snake story is averted yet again... but will it return? Not until after the head fake below...And even then the spotted snake doesn't fall until another book!)
*****
The Setup:
Sten, Alex and the other members of the crew are left afoot, up to their arses in clotting snow. As their spirits flag, Alex decides that as self-appointed Morale Officer, he must step in.
The Joke:
... Sten had to threaten him with close arrest to keep him from telling the awesomely imbecilic spotted snake story—Sten had heard it once back during Mantis training—three times too many. Kilgour had other stories that were almost as bad.
"Ha' Ah gie y' aboot in' time Ah were tourin't th' estate," he began cheerily to Ensign Tapia.
"What's an estate?" she growled as she almost fell face first into a drift.
"Ah, wee Sten, pardon, Commander Sten, hae dinnae spoke th' Ah'm th' rightful Laird Kilgour ae Kilgour?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Ah'm tryin't't' tell y' boot th' pig."
"Pig?"
"Aye. A great mound ae swineflesh, ae were. A' any rate, th' first Ah e'er saw ae tha' pig wae when Ah wa' tourin't th' estate. An' Ah seeit thae great porker. An' it strikit me, for it hae a wooden leg. Three legs an' aye, a peg."
"A three-legged pig," Foss put in suspiciously, having waded up close enough to Tapia to hear the story.
"Aye. A wonderment. So thae's this wee farmer standin't nigh his fence. An' I begin't an say, "Tha' pig, mister...'
"An' he speakit, an say, 'Aye, aye. Thae's a pig ae marvel. Three year ago, m' wee lad fall't down. Inta th' pond. Tha' dinnae be anyone around, an' m' heir's a drown't.
"'Doon plung't th' pig, an' pull him out.'
"An' Ah'm listen't, an' Ah say't, 'Tha's ae marvel. But—'
"An once't 'gain he cuts me off. 'Two year gone, m' gran's in th' gravsled, an' the controls go. An' the gravsled lifts an' 'tis headed for yon viaduct.'"
"Viaduct?" Tapia asked.
"Noo, tha's a fair question, lass. Ah'll answer in a bit. T' continue. I agree wi' m' wee tenant. 'Aye, tha's a pig tha's a wonder. But about'… an' ag'in he chops me.
"'One year past, 'tis a deep winter. Y' c'lect, Laird Kilgour.' An Ah says, 'Aye, Ah remember.'
"An he says, 'M' croft catches fire. An' we're all asleep ae' th' dead. But this pig, he storm't ae th' hoose an' wakit us all. Savin't our lives.'
"Ae tha' point, Ah hae enough. 'Be holdin't tha' speech, man,' Ah roars. 'Ah 'gree. 'Tis a marvelous hog. Wha' Ah want to know is, Why th' clottin' wooden leg!?'
"An th' crofter look't ae me, an' say, 'Why, mon, you dinnae eat ae pig like thae all at once!’"
Tapia and Foss, both thinking indictable thoughts about premeditated murder, continued wading through the snow. That was Alex on the march.
*****
From The Alex Kilgour Toxic Scrapheap
The Setup:
During a narcobeer break, the crew members are bragging on the military exploits of their parents. The stories get grander and grander, until Alex can bear no more. He orders another round, then tells this tale.
The Joke:
"When Ah was jist a wee laddie mah teacher gae us all a class assignment:'G ie uir parents tae teel a story wi' a moral at th' end ay it,' she say.
"Th' next day th' bairns cam back an' a body by a body began tae teel their stories. Finally, Ah was th' only a body left. Ain th' teacher says, 'Alex, dae ye hae a story tae shaur?'"
"'Aye, mum,'" Ah say. 'Mah mother tauld a story abit mah Aunt Annis. She was a fighter pilot in th' Mueller wars an' one body day 'er ship was burst by th' enemy.
"She hud tae bail it ower enemy territory an' all she hud was a flask ay whiskey, a willygun an' a sharp chib. So, mah Aunt Annis drenk th' whiskey oan th' way doon sae it woods nae break.
"'An' then 'er parachute landed reit in th' middle ay twintie enemy troaps.
"She shot fifteen ay them wi' th' willygun, until th' power went dry. Killed fower mair wi' th' chib, 'till th' blade broke. An' 'en she killed th' lest cheil wi' 'er baur hans.'"
"Aye, that's wha I told the class, but my teacher was shocked at th' tale. 'My goodness," she said. 'What kin' ay moral did yer mum teel ye frae 'at gantin' story?'
"So Ah tauld her: 'Stay th' clot awa' frae Aunt Annis when she's bin drinkin'!"
*****
STEN 5 - Revenge Of The Damned
The Book:
Sten had fully expected to die in a blaze of glory, taking the Emperor’s greatest foe with him. Instead, he ended up a slave laborer in a POW camp deep in the heart of enemy territory. But sitting out the action had never been Sten’s style. And now that the war was building to a climax, the Eternal Emperor needed him more than ever. Not even the toughest prison in the known universe can keep Sten from his mission…
*****
The Setup:
Captured by the Tahn, Sten and Alex are stuck in a Tahn camp, supposedly impossible to escape from. (Think: The Great Escape) Naturally, they immediately start planning an elaborate escape - breaking out half the prison if they can. Alex finds a moment when he thinks his fellow beings need cheering up. His medicine - Oh, no, The Spotted Snake story.)
The Joke:
"... While we be hain't ae sec," Alex said, "whidny y' be likin't Ae tellin't th' aboot th' spotted snakes?"
Sten glared. "If you do that, I shall assassinate you."
"Th' lad hae nae sense a' humor," Alex complained to the sleeping reek in the tiny box in front of them.
*****
(Once again, Alex's mates - and our loyal readers - are saved from the spotted snake story. But, not for long! Watch what happens when Sten and Alex try to suborn a Tahn guard and Alex goes for broke!)
Spotted Snakes Redux:
"I wouldn't want to be a POW," N'chlos said firmly.
"True. An' thae's nae th' worst thae can happen." Kilgour paused. "E'en when y'hae no fightin't, thae's little joy. F'r instance, dinnae Ah tell you ae the spotted snakes?"
"I don't think so." Kilgour spared a minismile for Sten, and Sten glowered back. The clot had trapped him, well and truly."I was ae Earth. Ae a wee isle called Borneo."
"You've been to Earth!" N'chlos was astonished.
"Aye, lad. Th' service broadin't thae background. At any rate, an't' go on, Ah'd jus' taken' o'er a wee detachment ae troops."
"I didn't know Imperial warrant officers did that."
"Special circumstances," Alex went on. "An' so Ah calls th' sarn't major in, an Ah asks, 'Sarn't Major, whae's thae worst problem?'
"An' he say't, 'Spotted snakes!'
"An' Ah says, 'Spotted snakes?'
"An' he says, 'Spotted snakes, sir.'"
At that point the cell door opened silently, and an arm—St. Clair's arm—snaked in. Her hand lifted N'chlos's tunic off the peg, and tunic and arm vanished.
"Here's th' caff, sir. Anyhoot, Ah'm looki't ae th' fiche on m' new unit, an' it's awful. Thae's desertion, thae's a crime sheet thae long, thae's social diseases up th' gumpstump—m' command's a wreck!
"So, Ah call't th' unit' t'gether an' questions m' men on whae's th' problem. "An' they chorus, 'Ae's th' spotted snakes, sir.'
" 'Spotted snakes?' Ah asks.
"'Aye, sir. Spotted snakes,' they chorus.
"An' thae explain't thae's all these spotted snakes in th' jungle. Ah did say th' detachment wae in th' center ae a braw jungle, dinnae Ah?"
Outside, Sten hoped, N'chlos's tunic was being searched. His soldier book and any other papers were tossed to the prison's fastest runner, who darted downstairs to a cell where L'n waited.
His papers were scrutinized and memorized by her artistically eidetic memory, to be reproduced later.
> The tunic was measured, and all uniform buttons had wax impressions made, also for reproduction. The stun rod's measurements were taken just in case someone needed to build a phony weapon.
Within minutes the escape committee would have all the essentials on the off chance that an escaper might want or need to look like a guard. Or maybe to use N'chlos as a cover identity.
Unless, of course, N'chlos turned around, realized his uniform was missing, and shouted an alert.
But in the meantime Sten squirmed under Alex's story.
"An' aye," Kilgour went on. "Thae wee spotted snakes. All over th' place. Wee fierce lads w' a braw deadly poison. Crawl in th' fightin' positions an' bites, crawl in th' tents an' bites, crawl in the mess an' bites. Awful creatures. Som'at hae be done.
"So Ah considers an' then orders up aye formation. An' comit out, an th' men gasp, seein't Ah'm holdin' a spotted snake.
"An' Ah say, 'Listen't up, men. Ah hae here a spotted snake, aye?'
"An' th' men chorus back, 'Aye sir, ae spotted snake.'
" 'Now, Ah'm goin't't' show you th' solution to thae spotted snakes. Ae's by th' numbers. Wi' th' count ae one, y' securit th' snake wi' your right hand. Wi' th' count ae two, y' secure th' snake wi' your left hand as well. Wi' th' count ae three, y' slid't y'r right hand up't' its wee head, an pop, on th' count ae four, y' snappit th' snake's head off wi' y'r thumb!'
"An' th' men's eyes goggle, an then they go't' war.
"F'r th' next two weeks, thae's all y' hear around th' detachment. Pop…pop…pop…pop. Thae's wee snake heads lyin't all around."An th' morale picks up, an' thae's noo more deserters, an' thae's nae crime sheet, an' e'en the pox rate drops a notch.
"M' problem's solved. An' then, one day, Ah'm visitin' th' dispensary.
"An' thae's one puir lad lying't thae, an' he's swathed in bandages. Head't' foot. Bandages.
"An' Ah ask't 'Whae happen?'
"An' he croakit, 'Spotted snakes, sir!'
"'Spotted snakes,' Ah says.
"'Aye, sir. Spotted snakes.'
'"G'on lad,' Ah says."
Alex was looking a little worried—then the door opened again, and the same silent arm replaced the tunic and weapons belt. Alex hesitated, then put his story—if that was what it was—back on track. Sten was trying to remember just what the most painful and slowest method of execution he knew of was and was determined to apply it to his warrant officer.
