Undercover Lover

by Jerry Cole

  “I’m not a waiter, Morgan,” Jan repeated. “I’m supposed to become an intern at FinaSoft because other than the whistleblower, the company needs evidence to make sure the lawyers have the strongest case possible against your company.”

  “So…wait, what are you?” Morgan said.

  “I’m an economist,” Jan replied, looking away from him.

  “So what’s you…”

  “My job? I’m a financial analyst for State Fidelity,” Jan said. “Which is the reason they sent me to do this. Do you understand?”

  Morgan shook his head. “I don’t understand anything. You’re not a waiter?”

  “Well, I am right now,” Jan said. “My direct supervisor is friends with the owner of Elements, which comes in very handy, because they needed to place someone next to the FinaSoft building.”

  Morgan closed his eyes, then licked his lips. Jan couldn’t read him. He wasn’t sure if he was upset or sad. He couldn’t even tell if Morgan was shocked. “Are you done?”

  “Yes,” Jan replied. “You can ask me whatever you want now.”

  Morgan took a deep breath. “What you’re telling me is that you’re a corporate spy,” Morgan said. “Is that right?”

  Jan looked away from him. “That’s not the official title.”

  “Then why couldn’t they just give you a position in the company to start with?”

  “I’m not sure,” Jan said. “From what I understand, they needed me to be an intern because interns don’t sign NDAs. If they had installed me as someone who just worked there, the legal case would be harder. I don’t really know how it works, I’m not a lawyer. The point is they needed someone who didn’t look too sketchy to get in. I’m smart, I—I fit what they were looking for in terms of a look. I’m a good actor. And I really, really needed a promotion.”

  “So you’re… this is all fake,” Morgan said, looking him up and down. “Is your brother real? Is your name…”

  “Yes,” Jan replied. “It’s all real. My name is what I said it was, that’s my brother out there sleeping on my sofa and I hate this shithole apartment. And I…”

  “What?”

  “And I really, really like you,” Jan said. “A lot. I’m sorry for not telling you this earlier, but I can’t do this. I can’t go into that company thinking that I did by taking advantage of someone as kind as you. Because I couldn’t stand going in there and knowing that I would be getting you in trouble.”

  “So you’re telling me now,” Morgan replied, his voice even and his tone completely unreadable. “But you knew who I was before we started going out.”

  “Yes,” Jan replied. “I knew who you were. I didn’t know you were gay or—I just thought you could be my friend. You seemed nice, and I wanted to be able to do my job.”

  “So, this isn’t real,” Morgan replied. “Because you’re only telling me now.”

  “No, it’s real. If it wasn’t real, I wouldn’t be telling you about it now,” Jan said. “And I know you may not be able to forgive me, but if you want me I still can back away from it.”

  Morgan tilted his head, his eyes wide open and his hands on his knees. “What would you do then? If you backed away from it?”

  “Something,” Jan replied. “Anything. Anything at all. I don’t want to lose you. I just... I’m so sorry.”

  Morgan nodded, slowly. “I think I need to think about this.”

  Jan closed his eyes, knowing that the moment he did there would be tears streaming down his cheeks. “I know I should have told you before, I just…”

  “I need to think about this, Jan,” Morgan said again, this time a little bit more sharply. With that, he turned around, yanked the quilt so it covered his shoulders and closed his eyes. Jan watched him, alarmed. Was Morgan just going to go back to sleep? Was he going to be there when Jan woke up? He knew that Morgan had promised he wouldn’t storm out, so he supposed he just was carrying out his promise, but he wasn’t sure if he liked it.

  He laid down on his back and watched the ceiling until his eyelids got too heavy to keep open, though he was sure that didn’t happen for hours.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  When Morgan woke up, Jan’s body was wrapped around him, his arms over him, cuddling him close. His body fit perfectly into Jan’s, he thought for a second through the haze of sleep, before he remembered what had happened during the night. Maybe it had been a dream. It kind of felt like one, because Morgan still couldn’t wrap his mind around everything Jan had told him. He had promised Jan he wouldn’t storm out, so he hadn’t, even though it had taken everything in him just to roll over and go back to sleep, as if the situation was the most typical one in the world. The more he thought about it, though, the less normal the entire thing seemed. He wasn’t sure exactly where to begin with all the questions he had for Jan. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted Jan to answer his questions, just in case things were worse than Morgan suspected. The entire situation was almost too much to bear. He didn’t want to deal with it, but he didn’t see how he had a choice. The worst part of it all was he still wanted Jan. Even as he woke up, even as betrayed as he felt, he loved feeling Jan’s arm around him, the warmth of being next to him in his bed, and the way his breathing sounded in Morgan’s ear.

  Morgan wasn’t angry, not exactly. He was more confused than anything else. He had a lot of questions, and the more he thought about what Jan had shared, the less clear it all became. He believed Jan when he said that he liked him for who he was, despite any information he might have had beforehand. It made sense. He wouldn’t have said anything to Morgan if he didn’t.

  He wanted to ask him all of these questions right then, but he needed to get up and go to work. He had expected he might end up staying over the night before, so he had brought an extra outfit and his own toothbrush. He wasn’t trying to assume anything, since they obviously still had to talk, but it seemed natural to him that he would keep some personal hygiene items over at his partner’s place. Now everything was different, and Morgan wasn’t even sure if he could keep calling Jan his partner. It was so new, he hated that it already could be over, especially because he already had so many feelings for Jan.

  He knew he was usually guarded, and Jan had brought out something in him that he hadn’t allowed himself to feel for a long time. He hated that he had felt so hopeful about Jan when Jan had gone in under false pretenses, when he couldn’t know which parts of Jan’s story were real and which weren’t. And it wasn’t exactly as though he could ask at work either. He had just been hired and he still was trying to impress the people he worked with. It was true they had recruited him, but it wouldn’t look too good if he stayed at a position for just a couple of weeks, he thought as he slowly got out of bed. The worst part, of course, was that he had no idea what he would do if he did quit. He probably would have to stay in Danbury—if he was still with Jan. He grabbed the bag he had put on the floor earlier, and started taking his clothes out of it. He was vaguely aware that Jan was watching him as he got ready for work, but he couldn’t look at him.

  If he started talking to Jan, then he wouldn’t make it to work. He probably never would leave Jan’s apartment, he wouldn’t even step foot outside of Jan’s bedroom. He got dressed facing the wall, his mouth a thin line, trying his best to say nothing. He stuffed his pajamas back into his bag, wondering if he should leave it at Jan’s place, then slung it over his shoulder. He could leave it in the car. He would decide what to do with the bag later.

  “Hey,” Jan said in a quiet voice. “Are you not talking to me?”

  Morgan closed his eyes. Jan sounded upset and hurt. It made Morgan want to go over there and comfort him. He wanted to tell Jan that everything was going to be okay, but he didn’t know if that was true. If he crossed the room and sat down on the bed next to Jan, he was sure he was going to sound just as hurt as Jan did. He might burst into tears, too. He had a deadline, and he couldn’t be late for work. On the other hand, he didn’t know how he was supposed to concentrate w
ith the bomb that Jan had just dropped on him.

  “I’m not not talking to you,” Morgan finally replied. “I’m just…”

  “What?” Jan said. “My interview is today. If you want me to…”

  “I just need some time to think about all of this, that’s all. I don’t want you to do anything,” Morgan said. “I haven’t had time to think about it all yet. All I did was go to sleep.”

  Morgan heard Jan sniffle. “So, does that mean things are—I mean, are we over? Is it over?”

  Morgan was paralyzed for a second. Slowly, as slowly as he could, he turned around so he was facing the bed, and away from the wall. Jan looked so gorgeous sitting up, the morning light creeping through the slits between the blinds being cast on his skin. Morgan closed his eyes, mostly because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to keep talking if Jan kept looking like this in front of him, his eyes wide.

  “I don’t know, Jan,” he heard himself say. “I just know I need time to think.”

  He opened his eyes and set his gaze on Jan, who was looking away from him and sighing heavily. “Yeah,” he replied quietly. “I get it. Do you know how long it will…?”

  “No,” Morgan said. “And I should go. If I don’t see your brother, tell him I said hello.”

  “Sure,” Jan replied quietly.

  Then Morgan opened the door to the living room, his heart in his stomach and closed it softly behind him without looking back once.

  ***

  The moment Morgan went upstairs and into his office, he slammed the door behind him and fell noisily into his chair. He couldn’t stand seeing anyone then. He was worried Sam was going to come marching in, mostly because he wanted to spill everything, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to keep himself from doing that when all the information was tied to his relationship. He turned on his computer and tried concentrating on what he had to do, but everything about the night kept popping up in his head. It rendered him useless, completely unable to focus.

  He thought he might feel better if he got himself a cup of coffee. He hadn’t managed to have breakfast before leaving Jan’s place, though he had considered stopping by a drive-through on the way to work. His stomach had rebelled, though, and he realized his lack of appetite had come from the information Jan had given him during the night.

  Although he’d had some time to process it, he hadn’t come to any decisions yet. He still needed to continue living the rest of his life. Whether that was with or without Jan, he couldn’t make up his mind yet. He couldn’t think about that now. He walked to the small kitchenette located at the other side of the floor.

  Of course, he hadn’t taken into account that other people would be there, he thought with a twinge of horror as he approached and saw Kimber and Sam wave at him. Since his gaze had caught theirs, it wasn’t as though he just could turn around and return to his office. Morgan wasn’t in the mood to deal with people, but he guessed that Sam and Kimber probably had no idea about what Jan said was happening—if it even was happening. He had the dreadful thought that Jan might be making it up, that it might be Jan making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t real, maybe Jan just thought that it was. Morgan wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse.

  Even if it wasn’t all in his head, there was no way for Morgan to verify it. He could look at the market numbers, but he wasn’t an economist. He had no idea how he was supposed to interpret the numbers. There was also the fact that his department didn’t have access to purchasing and sales information. He could ask around, but he didn’t have any friends in sales and he had just started there. He didn’t want to make an impression yet, certainly not one that would be tied to a court case down the road. That was assuming Jan was telling the truth. Maybe Jan was just a very impressionable person who had the wrong idea about what actually was going on, and Morgan could talk him out of it. He shook his head, realizing that the thought made no sense.

  “Hey,” Kimber said. “Good morning, Morgan.”

  “Good morning,” Morgan replied, trying to sound as normal as possible. He wasn’t sure if he did, though neither Kimber nor Sam seemed to notice anything off about him. Morgan was sure he might as well have been wearing a sign that said things were fucked up, but he appreciated how polite they were being. “I haven’t had my coffee yet.”

  “Yeah, I can tell, buddy,” Sam replied, clapping his hand on Morgan’s back. Morgan tried smiling at him, though he wasn’t sure if he was successful.

  “Oh,” Kimber said, taking a sip from her mug. “I told the people at HR that our department could do with an intern, like you told me. I recommended your friend. Zachary owes me a favor, so I’m pretty sure he’ll do it.”

  Morgan swallowed, looking away from her. “Oh, that’s… that’s great,” he said.

  “Don’t tell him yet,” Kimber said. “You know, for legal reasons and stuff. But if you absolutely have to say something, tell him he’s in the running.”

  “Sure,” Morgan replied. He still was trying to smile, and was pretty sure it still was not working. “I will. Thanks, Kimber.”

  “Yup,” she said. She looked down at her mug and walked away, toward her office. Sam and Morgan watched her until she disappeared. Then Sam turned to him.

  “Another rough night, huh? Did your dinner date not go as well as you wanted it to?”

  “It was fine,” Morgan replied. “I mean, dinner with his brother was fine, if a little awkward. The night was amazing and then—”

  “Then what?”

  Morgan twisted his lips. “I think it’s over.”

  “What?” Sam said, his eyes wide. “What do you mean it’s over?”

  Morgan rubbed his temple. “I don’t know how to explain this,” he said. “It’s so weird and I’m so…”

  Sam cocked his head. He handed Morgan a cup of black coffee that he just had poured before speaking. “You’re so what?”

  “I’m so confused,” Morgan replied.

  “Is he acting funny or something? You were so certain before,” Sam said. “I had to call Jax and crush his spirit.”

  “I was,” Morgan replied. “But then he said something that may have changed everything, and I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. The worst part is there’s no way for me to know if he’s telling the truth.”

  Sam nodded, stirring his coffee, then grabbing it and bringing it close to his face. “Would it be so bad if he was lying?”

  “I think it may be worse if he was telling the truth,” Morgan replied. “Though I don’t know. The worst part is I can’t just talk to him about it right now because I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle it. And that’s messed up, right? I should be able to handle my partner talking to me, even if what he’s saying isn’t something I particularly want to hear.”

  Sam pursed his lips. “It sounds as though you had “the talk”. You know, the big one.”

  “We did!” Morgan replied. “And that part of it went really well. Everything else, though, it was so weird.”

  “Even the sex?”

  Morgan groaned, throwing his head back. “Ugh, the sex was amazing,” he said. “Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe the sex is impairing my judgment and I should just run away.”

  Sam nodded. “You know what they say about the crazy ones.”

  “That’s the thing,” Morgan replied. “I don’t know if he’s crazy.”

  Sam shrugged. “It sounds as though you really like him,” he replied. “And if he’s going to be working with us, it may be awkward to break up with him and then have him around all the time.”

  “Wouldn’t it be more awkward if we had a weird relationship?”

  “I don’t know,” Sam replied. “You just should do whatever makes you happy.”

  Morgan nodded. “I’m just worried I don’t know what that is.”

  “Yeah, welcome to being human,” Sam replied, laughing and shaking his head. “Anyway, whatever you decide to do, let me know.”

  “Because of Jax?”

  “Sur
e,” Sam replied. “And because you’re my friend. And I worry about you.”

  “Thanks, Sam,” Morgan said. Then he started walking away. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore, at least not with Sam. He needed to sit down with Jan and ask him all the questions he had. Before that happened, though, he had to get through a normal day of work. All while knowing that Jan was interviewing for the intern position. He shook his head. He would have to stop thinking about Jan until half past four.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Riley watched Jan get ready from the bed, his gaze darting from his phone and back up at Jan, who was struggling with his tie. Even when he had worked at State Fidelity—though in a weird way, he guessed he still was working there—he had struggled with ties. Growing up in the Bronx, only kids who went to posh prep schools ever had to wear ties. When he was dating them, they were the boys who always told him how to tie Windsor knots and all this stuff he never paid attention to. There just was something so fucking attractive about some guy his age explaining how to do something they seemed to think was a life skill, but that Jan never even had considered until he went off to college. Even then, he never quite had mastered it. He was glad his waiter uniform didn’t have a tie, it was too fancy to have that with the dark waistcoat and the tiny buttons on the front. If it had, he just would have done it up once, and then worn it that way until it came loose somehow.

  The struggle continued. He knew Riley knew how to do it, but he wasn’t going to help him and Morgan—well, Morgan wasn’t there. Morgan could do a Windsor knot. He probably could do a whole bunch of knots. But Morgan wasn’t there, and he wasn’t there because of something Jan had done. He probably wouldn’t be there any time soon. Jan thought he had ruined everything. Morgan hadn’t exactly told him that, but he may as well have.

  Morgan would have been able to forgive almost anything, Jan was sure, but lying was a line in the sand, one Jan was pretty sure Morgan didn’t think anyone should cross.

  Riley put his phone down and groaned. “That’s so fucking annoying,” he said. “Can you just give it to me?”