by Jerry Cole
“Well, I’m choosing you,” Riley replied. “Because obviously you can’t choose-your-fucking-self.”
That was all it took to call Jan’s attention back to Riley’s face. “Wait, what do you mean?”
“I’m sorting this out,” Riley said. “All of this.”
With that, he turned around and walked out of Jan’s apartment, slamming the door behind him as he stepped outside.
***
Jan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He watched Riley leave his apartment, a knot in his throat and his eyes brimming with tears. He wasn’t sure what just had happened and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. Part of him wanted to run after Riley and tell him he was wrong, that of course he was doing his best to try living a happy life, but even as he thought about it, it felt like a lie. He couldn’t just run after Riley and tell him a lie, because Riley would be more than willing to call him out on it.
Riley also had said he would fix it. Jan didn’t want to even start thinking about what that meant.
His heart was beating fast and his entire body felt heavy. He was reasonably sure he was about to have a panic attack. It hadn’t happened for quite a few years. Yet he felt as though he couldn’t take in a full breath. He sat down, gripping the end of the sofa with his fingertips and trying to concentrate on the feeling of the fabric against and under his skin. He was trying to ground himself with the way that everything felt around him, the way his apartment smelled, even the cat purring next to him, though she normally hated him. She must have noticed how upset he was because she edged closer to him. He wasn’t brave enough to stroke her, because he knew she might get spooked. So, all he did was sit there, the warm cat by his side, wondering what he possibly could do to fix everything and struggling through the panic attack that he hadn’t managed to stop.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Morgan wasn’t feeling very well in the morning. The lack of sleep was catching up to him, and the fact that he hadn’t managed to decide whether to call Jan was making things a lot worse. He wanted to get in touch with Jan, but he wasn’t sure it was such a good idea, especially because he was still unsure about what was happening at FinaSoft. He was reasonably sure there was something sketchy going on, but he wasn’t sure if the company was doing it on purpose. He needed to find out before he went back to Jan, because he was planning on going back to Jan. He just hated that Jan would have to wait for him to do all this investigating. Morgan didn’t want to get in touch with him before he knew everything that was going on at his company, because only then would he know what was supposed to happen in his relationship with Jan. He didn’t want to tease Jan, or lead him on any more than he had to and he was reasonably sure he did want to have a relationship with Jan.
That was, if Jan wanted to have a relationship with him. Things were still up in the air, and every time Morgan reached for his phone, he had to hold his urge to call him. He was still not sure exactly what he wanted, and he didn’t think it would be fair to put Jan through all that. Morgan was starting to feel a little guilty about his reaction. After all, Jan had been honest with him, even if it had taken him a little while to get to it. Morgan had to appreciate his honesty. The thing he was most worried about, Jan tricking him into getting close to him, didn’t seem that important anymore. As far as Morgan could tell, Jan was into him. Otherwise, he would just have kept that information to himself and would have done his job as he was supposed to do it. The more Morgan thought about it, the more he realized that Jan was right. There was something sketchy going on at FinaSoft Corporation.
There was a chance it wasn’t intentional. He wasn’t sure. He needed to find out, but he didn’t want his questioning to come across as suspicious. He needed this job. At least for the couple of years that he was going to have it before Jan’s company brought it down. It was cold comfort that litigation took so long, but at least Morgan would be able to find another job in the meantime. He wasn’t sure if he was going to stay in Danbury, though. If Jan didn’t want anything to do with him, he could go back to Atlanta and work there. Plenty of up-and-coming companies could use someone as talented as he was. He was good at what he did, he took pride in it, and he was almost positive he would find employment wherever he went. He didn’t want to test that theory, though, certainly not while he didn’t have a job. It didn’t matter how talented he was, a gap in employment history didn’t look good on a résumé, and he didn’t think his parents would be particularly impressed about it. Not that they would say anything—he knew they wouldn’t—but he still didn’t like the idea of disappointing them. Both of his siblings were moving on with their lives, even his little brother had a girlfriend, and Morgan was pretty sure he was going to propose to her soon. That would leave Morgan as the only unmarried one, something he didn’t think his parents cared about, but he sure did. When Morgan had come out, his parents had been way more supportive than he had expected. He didn’t think they were going to outright reject him, but they were church-going Christians in a small Southern town and he didn’t expect them to welcome an openly gay son with open arms.
He remembered sitting down with them in the living room after Sunday church. His brother was out riding and his sister was in the kitchen doing something. He was reasonably sure they both knew that Morgan wasn’t into girls, even though he had never told them that. However, his parents were completely clueless. At least as far as Morgan knew, anyway. They often asked him when he was going to let them meet his girlfriends and they always used a plural, as though he had several. Morgan had always been good-looking. When he got to high school, people started questioning why he preferred hanging out with the quiet, artsy kids instead of the popular ones, who were very interested in having him spend time with them. He just wasn’t interested. He was sure that was enough of a giveaway, but he never asked his parents what they thought. They seemed happy enough with him as long as he kept his grades up and he didn’t get into any trouble with the law. God knows they had enough to worry about. Jeffrey was already into motorcycles, something his parents definitely didn’t approve of, and Morgan always thought they were weirdly obsessed with his sister not getting pregnant as a teenager, even though she was the most sensible one of the three of them by far.
Morgan had planned to come out to his parents on the one Sunday when he knew they had no other social engagements. They were the type of people who volunteered after church, but they would have one Sunday, just one a month, that they would spend relaxing at home. When Morgan had been little, he had been expected to be there with them, but as the kids grew up, their participation become wholly voluntary. Morgan didn’t mind spending time with his parents, as long as he didn’t have anything better to do, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to tell them the truth before they heard it from anyone else. He had already told people at school. He openly was flirting with the few guys who would flirt back with him, though as covertly as possible, and he didn’t want his parents to be the last ones to find out.
He brought them glasses of iced tea and sat down on the ottoman next to the sofa, even though he was far too big for it, and stretched out. Then he straightened up and turned to look at them.
“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you,” he had said, his heart in his throat. He felt like throwing up.
“What is it?” his mother had replied, playing with the pearl necklace she wore every Sunday and no other day of the week. Then her eyes had widened. “Did you get some poor girl pregnant?”
Morgan hadn’t wanted to laugh—after all, the conversation was incredibly serious—but he couldn’t help himself. He giggled at first, and then it became something more, until he barely could hold in his laughter, and then his parents began looking at him with a mixture of concern and amusement.
“No,” Morgan had replied between laughter. “No, I can’t. I’m gay.”
He just had blurted it out, despite all his preparation, as though it was nothing. His parents had given each other a look that Morgan couldn’t read and didn’t want
to ask about.
His father had spoken first. “Okay.”
Morgan had wanted to ask him what “Okay” meant, if they were mad at him or anything. But all that he had said was “Okay”, and his mother had kept quiet. They drank their iced teas in silence, saying nothing, until someone said something on the TV that sparked up a conversation between his parents. Morgan retreated to his bedroom, wondering what just had happened, wondering if it had gone wrong. He wouldn’t find out for another few weeks, when his parents bought themselves a rainbow pride sticker flag to put on their car.
It was ridiculous, tacky as hell, and yet Morgan loved it. It almost made him cry when he first saw it. They had left it there for years and, though it had faded, its borders still could be seen. Every time they bought a new car they had done the same thing, and Morgan loved them for it.
He knew they were going to support him no matter what, but that was the moment he realized he had to make them proud. The easiest way of making them proud was to hold down a good job.
He also knew his parents wanted him to find someone who made him happy. After what had happened with David, he was hesitant to introduce them to anyone he dated, though. He wondered if it would be the same for Jan, but he wasn’t sure if he even was dating Jan.
He shook his head. He needed to stop thinking about that, or he wouldn’t manage to get anything done. The chat system was the easiest way to get in touch with Kimber, so he pinged her and asked her to come to his office. He could have asked her on the chat system but he wanted to see her reaction face-to-face when he asked her about the different algorithms.
She said she would be there as soon as she was done with a meeting, so Morgan started to do something else with the code. He was way behind on actual work. Jan’s story already had derailed him enough.
***
Kimber walked into his office about half an hour later, her hair up in a ponytail so high he was surprised she didn’t have a headache. “You said you needed something?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “I’ve been going over two different versions of the software, and I noticed there’s some discrepancies in the way they are pulling up data, which is causing some latency issues in displaying the information for the end-user.”
She tilted her head. “Uh, huh.”
“Anyway,” Morgan continued. “There’s no way for the user to fix these, since it’s not part of the front-end of the software. Now I’m wondering if maybe it was part of an update or something, and that’s the reason one of the versions has the less efficient algorithms?”
Kimber shrugged. “Yeah, quite possibly. I’m not a programmer, Morgan, if you want—”
“No, I know,” he replied. “I’m just… I guess I’m wondering why the update hasn’t been rolled out to everyone, and if it’s something we do over time? I wouldn’t want to be working from outdated software.”
“You’re not, though,” she said. “I don’t even know why you’re working from that software, since you’re supposed to be…”
“There was an issue with an algorithm in the software that was causing an infinite loop,” Morgan said. It was a lie and a half-assed one, but he was sure she wasn’t going to question him. After all, she wasn’t a programmer. He was just thankful she had closed the door behind her as she walked in, as he didn’t want Sam to hear what he was saying and call him out on his bullshit later. Morgan didn’t want to have his motives questioned. He knew it wouldn’t be a huge problem if they were, that was, until they were compounded with everything else going on with him. “Anyway, it wasn’t what I originally thought, and I needed to compare it to something in a different version of the software. The engineering department really needs to work on their documentation practices, Kimber.”
“Yeah, I know that,” she replied. She started to tap the floor with her foot. Morgan already had stretched this out long enough, he knew Kimber’s patience was wearing thin.
“Anyway,” Morgan said. “I thought, if I have time, maybe you want to roll out the update to the clients that only got the older version? I’m not sure how much the software affects the market, but one of the things the documentation makes clear is timing is incredibly important.”
Kimber looked him up and down. “We don’t provide free updates,” she finally said.
“Right,” Morgan replied. “And I totally get that. The thing is, I checked when the software was provided to the client, and the space of time between when it was provided to them and other clients is negligible. It’s definitely not the amount of time it would take to come up with an entirely new version and, honestly, I’m not sure why they were using different algorithms. Might have been an accidental oversight, but if so, we probably should roll it out to all other customers that got the less efficient version.”
Kimber didn’t say anything. “I can consider this, but I don’t think there’s going to be much that we’re going to be able to do. The company is strict on the no free updates policy.”
“But it wouldn’t be an update,” Morgan replied. “Not technically.”
“I’m sure I’ll use that argument,” she said, smiling. “Did you need anything else?”
“Not right now,” he said. “Thank you, Kimber.”
Chapter Thirty
Jan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He watched the digital clock above his bed, but it wasn’t the same as watching the grandfather clock had been when he was a kid. He wasn’t relaxed at all, and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do about it. He had called the restaurant and rescheduled his shift because he didn’t think he could be around people right then. He was checking his phone constantly, though he was aware no one had called him, not Riley and certainly not Morgan.
He needed to do something to take his mind off how things were, but everything seemed like far too much effort. He threw himself back on his bed and watched the ceiling. He wondered if he could bother to get up and turn on the fan, but then decided he couldn’t, closing his eyes instead and wondering if he just could go to sleep. He wasn’t ready for bed. He was wearing his gym clothes, but he still hadn’t managed to go to the gym. Jan’s routine hadn’t allowed for much exercising lately. When he had lived back in the city, going to the gym had been part of his life all the time. Every morning, before he went to work, he walked a few blocks to the YMCA, took his belongings out of his locker, and worked out until his wristwatch beeped. He would then take a two-minute shower, sometimes five minutes if his workout had been particularly bad, get changed and walk to work. It wasn’t too far, and he was glad he didn’t have to take the subway to get there. Living at home had some advantages, he remembered thinking bitterly during the colder months. At least Riley had been going to school and getting okay grades. At least that was what Jan thought, he never asked. He was barely treading water. The nurse who took care of their mother was there whenever Jan got back from work, though Riley rarely went out after school once their mom had become sick. Jan thought Riley had had a girlfriend before, but if he still did, he never brought her around anymore, and Jan didn’t think he ever even had learned her name. Not that he was dating much either, bringing guys home never even crossed his mind after his mom got sick and he didn’t want to leave his brother overnight to care for her.
They still hadn’t decided to put her in Broadway Oaks back then, but they did have some community support, which helped. Jan’s mother was popular in the neighborhood and her friends all were incredibly helpful, but they were busy, too. There were only so many times they could bring the boys pies and cobblers. Jan much preferred going down to the bodega and stuffing his face with the sandwiches from there, but he appreciated that his brother probably wanted some homemade meals. That was one of the main reasons Jan started cooking more, because he thought providing his brother with homemade meals would make him feel better once the neighborly goodwill started to die out. It didn’t help much, though, and Jan barely had enough time to do anything anyway. So, putting aside time to cook soon became difficult and a
nnoying. Jan wanted to have time to hang out with Riley and to hang out with his mother, but after speaking to the social worker the hospital had assigned them—Jan hadn’t even known hospitals had social workers—they finally decided she would go into a home.
Jan spent the little spare time he had researching it, looking for options on his phone when he was on the subway, calling people between appointments, and checking out homes on Sundays instead of going out for brunch dates and basketball meet-ups.
Jan finally settled on Broadway Oaks after walking around with Riley behind him, and an incredibly nice male nurse talking to him about everything the home could provide for his mother. It seemed like a no-brainer once they saw the room she would be staying in, which was much nicer than the apartment, which seemed darker and smaller the more they stayed there. It had been better once their mother had moved, but it still seemed too dark and too small.
When Riley left, Jan had stayed behind. He had tried having roommates, but it didn’t work. Even though their financial contribution helped, he hated the fact that it felt like they were using his mother’s stuff, sitting on his mother’s furniture, messing up his mother’s decorations. It made him rage and it made him hard to live with. He knew that, he tried to stop it, but that didn’t seem to work. It didn’t take his roommates long to decide they were sick of him, but it was New York City, so it wasn’t as though they could just pick up and leave, no matter how much they wanted to do so.
So, Jan decided to do it for them. He got a small studio even closer to his job, basically on top of it. It was expensive, but he liked it a lot more. He liked being able to just go downstairs and a few buildings to the left to walk into State Fidelity. Although it did mean he couldn’t go to the YMCA in the morning anymore since it started to feel like a huge waste of time.
He already should have found a place to work out in Danbury, but being a waiter kept him on his feet a lot more than his last sedentary job did. He needed to get in touch with his supervisor and ask her if he could quit his waiter gig. He thought the answer probably would be no, since he was expected to keep his cover until he managed to get enough information to take back to his supervisor. And then what? He probably should have asked about that when he had taken the job. He should have asked a lot more questions when he had taken the job.
