by Lily Love
“But you’ve also got a broken heart to take care of,” Lane said. “I think that’s just as important. You said you guys only slept together once, right? And that it was a mistake?”
Jack looked away.
“Oh my god.” Lane set his water down. “Jack!”
“Isaac got sick. That was what was wrong with him. I calmed Craig down and showed him what to do, and we had a moment, and it all kind of fell together.”
“So you’ve been sleeping together for real.” Lane sucked in a breath. “Roman’s going to freak out.”
“Don’t tell Roman,” Jack said, perhaps a little sharper than he should have. “It’s just… I don’t really want anyone to know. Not right now. I don’t even know what’s going on.”
“Well, did you guys talk about it?” Lane asked.
“We didn’t have time. All of it kind of came on at once.”
“But you still have phones, right?” Lane puffed his cheeks, then deflated them. He looked thoughtful. “You could call each other. Or Skype. There’s no reason you can’t talk it out.”
“No, there’s plenty of reason.” Jack stared into his glass of water. “Right now the only thing he should be worrying about is Isaac. If Synthia is trying to claim custody, he’s in for an ugly fight. I don’t want to be the annoying, clingy boyfriend who demands his full attention when he has much more important things to worry about. We’re talking about his son, here. I know that I can’t compete.”
“I’m not saying that you should compete,” Lane said. “But maybe he’s feeling the same way you do. Maybe he feels upset and confused. Maybe getting in touch would give him some closure, you know? It wouldn’t hurt to send him a text and get a feel for what’s going on.”
“Maybe.” Jack still wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to get in Craig’s way.
“Well, you can if you want to. I’m not forcing you.” Lane shrugged. “I just think that communication is the best thing for a situation like this. I learned my lesson after going through what I went through with Roman. It’s best to be crystal clear about your feelings.”
“I’m feeling pretty miserable right now,” Jack admitted.
“Then what can we do to make it better?” Lane asked. “Do you want to sit here and I’ll go through and do a sweep of your house? I’ll take all the baby things out. I’ll even wash your disgusting sex-stained sheets if you want me to.”
Jack scrunched his nose. “You make it sound about fifty times worse than it actually is.”
“I assume you were going at it like animals,” Lane said plainly. “You wouldn’t be so worked up about him leaving if there wasn’t wild sexual energy between you.”
He was right, but Jack didn’t want to admit it.
“You’d really do that for me?” Jack asked.
“Mmhm. What are friends for?” Lane winked. “And now that Craig has moved out of best friend territory and into maybe-boyfriend territory, that means I’m back on top. I’ve got to fight to hold onto my title. So yeah, I’ll wash your dirty sheets and clear the baby stuff out of your house. Where do you want me to put it?”
“In the garage,” Jack said. “There’s some stuff, like the extra toothbrush in the bathroom and the spit-up rags on the side table that should be boxed up. I can sort through it in the future when I’m feeling better, so you can lump it all together.”
“Will do. Lord knows I have enough boxes left over from moving all of the stuff in Bucky’s old unit around.” Lane stood. “I’ll go get to it now, okay? You can relax here. Drink some water, watch something on TV, and take your mind off things, okay?”
Jack nodded. “And you won’t tell any of this to Roman?”
“Nope.” Lane winked. He zipped his lips. “My lips are sealed. I may bust out that tidbit of information in a few months from now when things blow over and Roman is being an ass, just to gross him out, but I’ll make sure that you’re over it by then.”
Over it. What a depressing thought. Is this something I can get over?
Lane said his goodbyes. Jack replied halfheartedly. Soon enough he was alone in Lane’s house. Every problem felt insurmountable when it was new. Jack had said it after what happened in the hotel, and he knew it was true here, too. In time he’d see the best way forward, but for now he was too close to the problem to be levelheaded about it.
All Jack needed to do was breathe.
He’d get through this. He always did.
28
Craig
The phone rang, and Craig nearly jumped out of his skin. He had Isaac strapped in a sling on his chest. Since they’d come back to California, Isaac hadn’t been sleeping through the night. He’d started to cry more often, too. Craig didn’t recognize the pitch Isaac used — it wasn’t that he was hungry, or tired, or gassy. The more Craig heard it, the more he recognized it for what it was — mournful. Craig knew that Isaac was too young to understand what was going on, but it was easy to pretend that he was missing Jack just as much as Craig was.
It had been a rough few days since leaving North Carolina.
“Hello?” Craig asked as he answered the phone. He was sure it was his lawyers.
“Craig,” his mother said. “Why haven’t you been answering my calls? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you desperately.”
Talking to family was the last thing Craig wanted to do. He grimaced and paced the length of his living room. Los Angeles stretched out through the windows along the back wall, lit by the mid-afternoon sun.
“I’ve been busy. I’m sorry.”
“I know you ran off to North Carolina to do god knows what, but really, since you’ve come back to town, not a single phone call?”
Craig hadn’t told his family he was leaving. The only soul he’d let know was Nadine. His temple throbbed in irritation. Had they paid someone to keep an eye on him? Did they really think that little of him?
“How did you know?”
“That’s not important,” his mother said. “What’s important is that I hear your son’s mother is available to parent again. What fantastic news.”
“Who are you paying to find out all this information?” Craig asked uneasily.
“That’s not important.”
“I happen to think it’s very important.” Craig stiffened his shoulders. He stopped pacing to stare out the window. Cars passed below, impeded by traffic. “I understand that you want the best for me, but going this far? Spying on me and the ones around me?”
“It’s not spying, darling,” she said. “You only spy on people you dislike. Bad people.”
“Says who?” Craig bit down on his jaw. “Words don’t mean what you want them to mean. Spying isn’t only on bad people because that’s what you think it is, mother. You’re spying on me and on the situation.”
“If you think of it like that, it sounds so much more dramatic than it is. I just want to know you’re safe and looking after yourself.”
“I think all you want to know is if I’m keeping Isaac or not,” Craig bit back.
She paused long enough to let him know he was right.
“Mother, listen.” Craig was done playing nice. It was clear that his family wanted him to be someone he wasn’t comfortable with being. He wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. “I know that you mean well. Probably. But here’s the thing. I’m an adult. I’m a father. I know that Isaac isn’t the grandson you wanted, but he’s the grandson you’ve got. You can either accept that and let both of us into your life, or you can reject that and have neither of us.”
“Craig!”
“I’m serious,” Craig said. “I don’t care what it means in terms of my reputation, or how many people turn their backs on me. I’ve made a name for myself and I have money in the bank. After I marry I’ll have grandfather’s inheritance, and that will keep me stable for the rest of my life and then some, even if I choose to never work again. I’m sick of being someone I’m not for the sake of appearances. I’m not going to do what the family thinks is right if it
doesn’t line up with my own moral compass.”
“You’re being hasty, Craig,” she warned.
Craig laughed. It was dry and bitter. “You think I’m the one being hasty? You’re the one who’s asking me to sign over all rights to a little boy you’ve never even met. He’s beautiful, mother. He’s sweet and curious and a fighter. He’s got the whole world ahead of him, and I’m going to give him everything I’ve got. I want him to know that he’s loved.”
“He can know that while living with his mother,” she said.
“And he can know that while living with me, too.” Craig was done with the conversation. It was clear his mother wasn’t going to change her mind. No one in the family would. To them, Craig would always be the lesser version of Roman. Nothing he did would ever make a difference.
Unless he walked away.
“I wish you’d think things through with your head instead of your heart,” his mother said. She sighed.
“And I wish you’d think things through with your heart, because it’s obvious you’ve been out of touch with it for a long time.” Craig ran a hand through Isaac’s tuft of blond hair. “I’m going to keep fighting for my son. I’m going to raise him to be the best man he can be and encourage him along the way. I’m going to love him with everything I have. I wish I could say the same for you.”
She said nothing.
“If there’s ever a time when you have room in your heart for your grandson, then you can get back in touch with me,” Craig said. “Until then, there’s nothing more I have to say to you. Isaac and I are going to forge our own future, and we don’t need people trying to drag us down. I’m sorry, mother. I love you, but I’ve got to love myself and my son, too.”
The silence lingered. Craig shook his head. Even when he was ready to cut ties, she refused to backtrack and apologize. She wouldn’t even say that she loved him.
Not all family was worth fighting for. Craig had to choose his battles. He had no qualms about cutting ties when it meant the people he cared about would be happier and safer for it.
Isaac was worth all of that and so much more.
And so was Jack.
“Goodbye, mother,” Craig said. He waited a second to give her time to respond, but when she said nothing, he ended the call.
Not all endings were happy. Craig knew it. He wasn’t sure what the future held, or where he’d be six months from now, but he knew that making difficult choices like that would help make wherever it was a better place than where he was now.
No more Los Angeles. No more family drama. No more pretending to be something he wasn’t.
He was Craig Palmer. He was a father. He was bisexual. Craig embraced all of it.
The quiet times with Jack had molded him into the person he wanted to be. Now that he knew who that was, Craig was ready to do whatever it took to make sure he didn’t lose sight of it.
29
Jack
A month passed. Then two. Then three. By the time fall bled into winter, Jack was numb.
Every Wednesday night he dutifully reported to Lane’s place and ate pasta while Lane rattled on about the men he’d ‘just so happened’ to meet while out and about during his day that would be perfect for Jack. Jack ate in silence and nodded when appropriate.
It was hard to invest himself in the idea of dating when his heart lived in Los Angeles.
In mid December on a Wednesday night, Craig curled up against the corner of Lane’s couch with a bowl of spaghetti. He twirled his fork listlessly.
“There’s a Christmas event going on in Fort Bragg,” Lane said. “I was reading about it the other day, and it sparked my memory, so I thought that I’d get back in touch with Warren and see what he was up to. Turns out he’s still single. You guys should go together.”
“To a military Christmas function?” Jack set his fork down and stared at Lane in disbelief. “You want me to get dolled up and go with a soldier to his Christmas function?”
“Well… yeah?” Lane smiled uneasily. “I didn’t think it was such a big deal.”
“I’ve never met the guy before,” Jack said.
“But what better time to meet him than at Christmas?” Lane shuffled around so he faced Jack directly. He had his knees bent in front of him. He rested his chin on them. “You’ll get dolled up, go have a great time at a magical event, maybe even feel some sparks and get luc—”
“I don’t need to get lucky.” Jack set his spaghetti aside. “Lane, I know you mean well, but this isn’t something I want to do.”
“It’s been a long time, Jack,” Lane lamented. “You haven’t been happy in a long time. I’m starting to get worried about you.”
Jack frowned. He didn’t want Lane to worry, but at the same time, he wasn’t ready to move on. Craig still sent him texts, and from time to time they found time in their schedules to video chat each other, but it wasn’t the same. The same written words that had once made Jack laugh and blush now felt hollow.
Jack had experienced the real thing. He wanted it back.
“But nothing’s happening between you and Craig, right?” Lane asked. “Last I heard, you were still undecided on the whole relationship thing. That hasn’t changed, right?”
“No.” Jack ran his hands over his thighs. “Nothing’s changed.”
“So… so it’s not wrong for you to go out and have some fun. I don’t like to see you moping around.” Lane reached out and squeezed Jack’s arm. “You deserve to live the life you want to live, not one consumed with misery like this.”
“… I’ll be okay in time,” Jack said.
If Jack was being honest, he didn’t know if that was true. Nothing had changed since Craig and Isaac had left. The pain had faded, but it hadn’t disappeared. When they were around, Jack was happy. He didn’t realize how much of an effect Craig and Isaac had on his stuffy life until they were gone.
“Well, if you say so.” Lane frowned. “Roman and I are going to be staying home for Christmas. We’re going in the New Year to visit his Granny in California, but otherwise we’re going to be home. Do you want to come over for Christmas dinner? I can cook a turkey, and we can eat peas and mashed potatoes and enough bread that I won’t be able to fit into my get-lucky jeans anymore.”
“Maybe. Can I let you know in a couple of days?”
“Totally.” Lane smiled. This time it was reassuring. “You’re always welcome here. I know how it is to feel lonely.”
Jack knew that as long as he lived in the duplex, he’d never really be alone. Lane was always there for him, and so was Roman. Dylan and Brad would drop whatever they were doing to help him if he ever needed it. He’d found his family.
But it also felt like he’d lost his family, too.
“I think I need to go home and mope for a little while,” Jack said. “Sorry about not eating. I’m not really all that hungry.”
“It’s spaghetti,” Lane said. “I didn’t break the bank making it. Roman’ll probably eat it when he gets in from his yoga studio later.”
“How’s that going, by the way?” Jack asked as he got up from the couch. “Is it still successful?”
“Yeah, it’s been going great. And I’m certainly not complaining that his flexibility has gone through the roof since the studio became his full-time gig.”
“… Gross.” Jack laughed.
Lane stuck out his tongue. “You know, yoga is pretty good for meditation, too. If you’re ever in a place where you want to clear your mind, Roman can probably help you out. He’s got great beginner lessons. He’s been working me through some of them.”
“And that’s my cue to leave,” Jack said. “I’m not looking to bend myself into a pretzel any time soon.”
“That’s what I thought, but it’s really not like that. Basically it’s… I don’t know. It’s like stretching, but with higher purpose.” Lane showed him to the door. Jack shrugged on his jacket. “The offer’s there, both for Christmas and for yoga. And of course, you’re welcome to come over whenev
er you want. You know I’m almost always around.”
“Yeah, except when you’re going to Fort Bragg to sniff out eligible gay men,” Jack said. He stuck out his tongue. “Goodnight, Lane.”
“Night, Jack.” Lane opened the door.
Jack was about to step through it when he saw something through the dark. He stood in the doorway, frozen.
“Do you see that?” Jack asked. He pointed at his front porch.
“Um.” Lane stood on his tiptoes to peek over Jack’s shoulder. He narrowed his eyes. “That blob?”
“Sitting on the bench.”
“Look down the street,” Lane said. “The car parked in the distance, that’s Hunter’s, isn’t it?”
Jack held back a sigh. “I swear to god…”
Since Hunter had taken a punch, he hadn’t been back. Jack figured he’d gotten the message and moved on. It looked like he was wrong.
“I’m going to stay here and watch what happens,” Lane said. “If it looks like something bad’s going down, I’ll call the cops, okay?”
Jack figured that Lane was going to call Brad and make sure he was watching, too. With two SEALs living in the compound, security usually wasn’t an issue.
But with Hunter?
“Nothing’s going to happen,” Jack said.
“You’re not taking him back, are you?” Lane asked hesitantly. “Right?”
Jack didn’t need to think twice about it. He didn’t love Hunter. He might never have. Now that he knew what love was all about, he wouldn’t settle for something less.
He loved Craig. There was no getting around it.
“I’m not taking him back,” Jack said. “I’m going to tell him to get off my property. I’m not going to tolerate him hanging around. I thought he got the message in September.”
“Apparently not.” Lane stepped back. “Be safe, okay? I’ll keep an eye out.”
“Thanks.”
Jack stepped out into the night. Lane closed the door behind him, but Jack felt Lane’s eyes on him as he crossed the property to head for his duplex. The closer he got, the more obvious it became that Hunter was waiting for him. Hunter’s hands were tucked in his jacket pockets. He wore a hat to keep his ears warm. He seemed content to wait for Jack while Jack was clearly out.
