“How’s Jessie’s mother?”
“Better. She fell in the hospital. The hospital was all worried they would sue, but it was her own fault. She’s not good at following directions.”
“They say a man marries his mother.”
“Funny. I’m not sure that’s gonna happen anyway.”
“When I left, you guys seemed to have it all back together.”
“You haven’t heard the latest.”
“What’s that?”
“Another woman has contacted Jessie for a DNA test.”
“What?”
“He swears there is no way. That she is a friend of Joy’s. That he met Joy through her. That the reason she’s pulling this crap is to make him look bad to the court. That, and she’s jealous of Joy.”
“Jealous of Joy?”
“Jessie plans on being very generous. He doesn’t want Joynessa to go without just because Joy can’t provide for her like he can.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“I’m not worried about the money part of it. I don’t care how much he gives her. I am not going to deal with two baby mommas. It’s that simple. If it comes back that he is the dad, I’m done.”
“Understandable.”
“Do you think he’s the dad?”
“There is absolutely no way for me to know. Even thinking about it when we don’t know is a waste of time and energy, and it just makes things harder on you and Jessie. Things are hard enough.”
“Okay. You’re right.”
“How have things been going for the family while I was gone?”
“They decided to do the surgery on Dad. I think he goes in for the final tests on Thursday, then the surgery on Friday. He’ll be in the hospital until Saturday or Sunday.”
“What exactly are they doing?”
“There’s all kinds of damage they are going to try to knit together. Turns out he has been in a lot more pain than he has been letting on. The doctor said he’s trying to punish himself for surviving the accident when Mom didn’t.”
“Don’t say ‘accident’ in front of Daddy.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“What about the woman who hit them?”
“They think she’s going to try to plead out. She has done it successfully several times. I swear to you, if she does that, she’s gonna regret it. Between Seamus and Rory, I wouldn’t invest in her long-term future if she gets away with the whole drunk driving thing again.”
“They’re not going to do anything stupid.”
“No, they’ll go about it very intelligently.”
“Not funny, Teagan.”
“Not meant to be, Cara.”
“Mom wouldn’t want that.”
“Thanks to that drunk bitch, Mom’s not here to vote.”
Daddy arrived on time. He looked rather spiffy, which made me smile. “You look very handsome.”
“Been doing a little research online. They say it will help. We’ll see.”
I didn’t have to ask. He was trying to fight his way out of depression, too.
“Where are the boys?”
“Down at the bar having a beer and a quick game of pool. You want to join them? We can give you a ride.”
“No, this will give me just the moment I’ve been looking for. I have a question for the two of you.”
We were seated at the table. Daddy started to play with a fork while he got his thoughts together. Not a good sign.
“I’ve been thinking that after the surgery and all of that, I’ll take myself to Ireland.”
Teagan and I did well. We didn’t even exchange a look. We just effused positivity about the whole idea.
“I think that’s a great idea, Daddy. When are you going?”
“When it is a bit warmer.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“I’m not sure, but I was thinking about taking my time. See where the path leads me.”
“I think that’s a great plan. Maybe you can see the rest of Europe. They have trains and cheap planes, and you can go see anything you want.”
“’Tis true.”
The more we talked about it, the more sullen he got. I knew what he was thinking. That he didn’t want to make such a great trip all alone, but at the same time, my father has never been very social. My mother was his whole social circle. He doesn’t have a lot of friends or anything. I hadn’t really thought about it before.
“Have you thought about bringing anyone with you?”
“Not really, no.”
“I can’t invite myself for weeks and weeks, but I could go over with you and stay a while and then come home. Then maybe Cara could fly over and meet up with you and stay a while. With all of us kids, you could be over there for years.”
Daddy laughed. “You’ll not need to watch over me like that. I appreciate the thought, but I think this is something I would rather do on my very own.”
“The offer stands.”
The guys walked in the door. They did not look happy.
A.J. better spill any and all secrets this time. I’m still not amused he knew about Jessie having a child and didn’t tell me. He can claim it wasn’t his secret to tell all he wants to, but it’s a problem for me. The more I think about it, the bigger a problem it becomes.
That’s not a good thing.
We should probably talk about that, but not until later.
During dinner, we talked about all things Vegas, Jessie and Teagan’s house — they are having HVAC issues and can’t decide if they are going to sue the inspector for not catching it — and Daddy’s surgery.
He needs someone to drive him to the hospital and was thinking about having his friend Aldo do it. The fact that neither Teagan nor I jumped all over him is a tribute to our new,found maturity. It didn’t last long, but we were mature for a second or two.
I sighed. “Daddy, you can’t have Aldo drive you to the hospital.”
“And why is that, girl?”
“Because Teagan and I will have a long and lasting fight about why you don’t like us anymore, and then we’ll just sneak over to the hospital anyway, and that will make Aldo uncomfortable.”
“He would just be dropping me off. I have to stay for a couple of days. There is no cause to get the whole family sitting in a room waiting for the doctor to come out and tell that I am fine. I’d rather do this on my own.”
“I’m sorry, Dad. That’s not going to happen.” Teagan smiled.
“Fine, but I don’t want the lot of you there. One of you can sit in the waiting room and call the rest when the word comes.”
“And which one would that be? Who is your favorite, Daddy?” I leaned in like it was some major conspiracy.
I knew it would make him laugh.
I was wrong.
He took a deep breath. Let it out, as if the weight of the world was simply too much for him to carry. “That would be Jordan. The oldest of my grandchildren.” He let an evil smile cross his lips.
Jessie laughed loud and hard. It was good to hear.
Dinner and dessert were done, and Daddy had agreed to Teagan picking him up for his doctor appointment the night before surgery and me picking him up to take him to the hospital.
He knows the whole family will be there, but it’s this passive-aggressive thing I never realized my family does, because we have all done it so long we have turned it into an art form.
Jessie and Teagan seemed fine. For all the sniveling she did earlier about there being a possibility of two baby mommas, she seemed to be completely invested in their relationship again.
This whole manic thing was beginning to get on my nerves.
Then I thought about my own emotions, first when I lost Mom and then when I lost the baby, and I can understand where Teagan is getting her weirdness.
As I was putting dishes in the dishwasher, A.J came up behind me and whispered in my ear, “Mind if we take off?”
“Who is ‘we’?”
“Jessie and me.”<
br />
“No problem. You going to be gone long?”
“I don’t think so. We were talking when you texted and said dinner was about ready. I think he just needs to finish the conversation. We’re gonna go sit by the retention pond for a while.”
“Say hi to the duckies for me. There is a whole new group of babies.”
“Will do. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
A.J. kissed my neck and left with Jessie.
Teagan carried in the last of the dessert plates. “Wonder what’s going on there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jessie just said that the two of them need to talk. I’m assuming it is A.J. who wants to talk to Jessie, because Jessie isn’t much of a talker these days.”
I didn’t say anything. That whole passive-aggressive thing again. I gotta work on that.
“How are you and Jessie doing?”
“Better. I know I was all grumbly earlier about ‘mama, the sequel,’ but the truth is, Jessie and I are solid at this point. Losing Mom kind of tied us together. I don’t think the knots are going to come undone.”
“What does that mean in English?”
“It means that losing Mom taught me how important it is to be with the people you love the most, because you never know when they are going to be taken from you. I love Jessie. I always have. I’m going to stay with him no matter what.”
“No matter what?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Actually, I don’t. If he abuses you, are you staying?”
She snapped at me. “You know Jessie isn’t an abuser.”
“I know that you believe that to be true, but I also know a lot of people would consider what he did to you abusive.”
“Okay, we need to talk, Cara. You have been flipping back and forth on all of this from the very beginning. One day you are completely supportive of me staying. The next, you make it sound as if I should leave. What the hell?”
“Devil’s advocate.”
“That’s Mom’s job. She always gives us all sides.”
“Mom isn’t here.”
“She’s still in my head, Cara. Besides, you were like this before the accident.”
“Don’t say accident.”
She glared at me. “Speak!”
I thought about barking at her, but knew she’d probably smack the crap out of me. Her frustration level is very high, and even if she is keeping it below the surface, it’s like one of those geysers at the national park I’m researching for the girls. All you see is a little bit of steam until all hell breaks loose.
I don’t want Geyser Teagan to let loose on me.
“I’m not sure. It’s just when you were talking about all this before Mom died, there was something not right. I don’t know how you can have a relationship with someone who was okay not telling you something so important in his life. Or how you can have a relationship with someone if his own child wasn’t all that important. Or how you can have a relationship with someone you don’t trust because he betrayed you. But then you pointed out that you and I are very different people, and I tried to think like you, and then I figured that if Jessie is going to be my brother-in-law forever, I’d better just shut up and leave it alone. But then you would ask my opinion again, and I couldn’t lie to you, but I didn’t think you would want to hear the truth.”
“Since when do you and I have this kind of issue? I thought we were always one hundred percent honest with each other.”
“You know that isn’t true. You’ve kept things from me before. You’ve admitted it.”
“When?”
“You’re gonna make me come up with an example?”
“At least one…”
The guys interrupted us. That seemed pretty quick. Even with legs as long as theirs.
I smiled at A.J. “You’re just in time. Teagan was about to beat me up.”
The look on his face got dangerous really fast.
“Not literally.” She tried to smooth things over.
Jessie chuckled. “With the two of you, it could be literal. You gotta watch Sweet-T.”
“Not so soon after everything,” A.J. growled.
“So soon after what?” Jessie was obviously confused.
I was stunned. “A.J. and I lost our baby just before we went to Vegas.”
It was Jessie’s turn to be stunned. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
I looked at Teagan. She hadn’t told him? She caught the look and threw it back. “You said you didn’t want anybody to know. I honored that.”
“Then you hardly have room to talk.” I walked out of the room. I have no idea why I was so offended that she hadn’t told Jessie, but by the time I got to the bathroom, I decided it was because — just like the rest of my family — Teagan wasn’t acting like Teagan these days.
My own little personal bubble burst a while back, and I was too stupid to see it. I was too stupid to even know I had a personal bubble. Not the “don’t step into my space” kind of bubble. The “my reality is wholly created by me, and I don’t know what your reality looks like” kind of bubble.
That’s what Bernie’s trunk did. It taught me that lesson. And as hard as I am trying to be grateful for that, I’m more pissed and resentful and hurt and just a little bit vengeful than I am grateful. I’m resentful mostly because my last memories of my mother were of being all weirded out because of the stupid trunk. I made my mother cry.
Teagan banged on the bathroom door. As much as I didn’t want to answer it, I also didn’t want her to shout through the door and have Jessie and A.J. listen to us being idiots.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Teagan.”
“You told me not to tell anybody, and I didn’t tell anybody, and now you’re mad at me. You really need to pick a side, Cara. You’re all over the place.”
“Yeah, fine, I get it. Can we please not do this?”
“Do what?”
“Fight about the biggest hurt in my whole life.”
She instantly deflated. Her voice got really soft. “Okay. We won’t fight. But help me understand.”
“I hate that everything is changing. I hate it. I would have bet my life that you would tell Jessie what happened. You guys live together. You’re practically married. Something this huge happens, and you don’t tell him about it? That means you either don’t see it as that huge, or you’re not the person I thought you were and — either way — it’s killing me.”
“Oh, dear God, Cara. How could you think I wouldn’t know how hard this is for you? I’m the same me I have always been. Maybe you’re just seeing me as who I am instead of who you thought I was or who you wanted me to be, but I’m me, and you’re you, and we’re okay. You just need to get back to center.”
“Mom said something like that to me.”
“Well then, listen. Mom’s always right.”
I sat down and thought about it as soon as she left.
I hate it when Teagan is right.
There comes a time you have to make a decision about life. Daddy did that. I’m not sure when. I’m not sure if it was when he was in the car with Mom, or in the hospital, or maybe not even until he talked to the neighbor, but at some point, Daddy decided he would live his life to the best of his ability.
It was three thirty-three when I decided. That’s the time it was when I found out we had lost our baby, and I seem to wake up most nights at that time and just stare at the ceiling. I don’t really think about anything. I don’t really do anything. I stare. Sometimes I cry. Mostly, I just survive. I take another breath. Sometimes doing that is all I can do.
But this morning at three thirty-three, I decided to live my life. On my terms. My way. Just like I used to. I’ve spent months and months being some other person that I don’t even know, don’t particularly like, and don’t want to be.
The old Cara wasn’t so... I’m not even sure what the word is. I was lighter. I was more fun. I had more fun. It seems like ever since A.J
. and I got serious, I got serious.
I put on all the clothes that Teagan likes and all the makeup. I assumed this different personality.
I know it’s not about the clothes. The old saying that clothes make the person was never meant to be taken literally. At least, I hope it wasn’t.
I need to find the old Cara.
I miss her.
The problem isn’t that I picked up all new stuff. I like most of it. The problem is that when I picked up all the new stuff, I put down all the old stuff. I liked most of the old stuff, too.
Mom used to tell us all the time. She used a closet as an example. She would say that you have to clean out your closet and get rid of all the clutter that doesn’t work for you anymore. I did that in my life. She also said to be careful not to hold onto junk that isn’t working for you anymore. I think I did that, too. But the part I forgot to remember was when she told me — more than once — to be careful not to throw out what you need. What you love. What has served you well.
I could hear her voice. Once it is in the bin, you’ll miss it, love.
That’s what happened. I put some of the best of me in the bin.
I’ve gotta go through the garbage to find it.
I hate that.
Garbage always seems to multiply when you aren’t paying attention.
But first, I need to take care of what I’ve created and get back to a place where I can deal with all of that.
Mom called Teagan and me over to her house and told us to our faces that we were being dark and negative and ugly. Of course, those are my words, not hers. She always says things more gently than that.
But we got the message.
Or at least, I thought we did.
I just haven’t done anything about it.
I made breakfast. A real one. I guess it’s been a while, because A.J. seemed confused.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“You seem different.”
“I’ve made a decision.”
“Uh-oh.” From confusion to concern in four words. “What did you decide?”
“I decided that I’ve gotten sideways of myself and not in a good way. I need to get back to happy Cara.”
“I thought we were happy, well, until everything, but nobody could stay happy through all that.”
Healing Tea Page 7
