by Hart, Alana
“Worthless. Slut. Trash. Whatever. You're all those things. I can't stand the sight of you. You're just like him. Neither of you cares how I feel. It's all me, me, me with you two. Well, you can forget summer at the beach. We're going home before he tries to move that slut bitch in there and we're out on the street.”
“Dad's not going to do that.”
“No, he's not, because we'll be there to stop him,” she says. “You had better get your things packed.”
“When are we going?” I can see my summer crashing to an end.
“Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? We can't go tomorrow. I need a few days. I'm babysitting for Jill on Friday. I can stay here on my own and come home later.”
“So you can move your trash 'friend' in, you mean? There's no way I'm letting him anywhere near you again. You're coming with me.”
I know she doesn't care what I do, how I feel. She's not protecting me. I have something good in my life, and she wants to ruin it. But it's pointless arguing with her. She'll only dig in her heels. I know she's just being spiteful, attacking me where I'm most vulnerable because Dad has hurt her. I don't even think she loves him. It's only her pride that's hurt. How it looks to her tennis club cronies that he left her for a younger woman.
I don't want to let her see me cry. I think she likes to know her words have reached their target. But I can't help it.
I'll have to get a message to Luke. I need to see him before I go. I can't let that be the last I see of him for who knows how long.
“What on earth are you crying for?” she says. “If you're crying about Luke, you're better off without him. Once you're not there spreading your legs when he clicks his fingers, he'll soon find someone else. Men always do. They're all the same. Every last one of them. It’s just as well to learn that lesson sooner rather than later like I did.”
I know she's wrong. But I say nothing. It's pointless arguing with her.
CHAPTER 20
LUKE
I should have stayed with Madison, but I could tell she didn't want me there. Her mother is a fucking monster. I didn't realize from the things Madison said how bad things were at home. Not that the situation helped any. I guess most mothers would go crazy seeing their daughter like that. But calling her those names, saying those things about her. I can't believe that.
I wanted to get that bitch by the neck and strangle the life out of her and stop her hurting Madison any more. I hate to think about Madison stuck there, listening to that. I have to get her out of there. Fuck alone knows how. But I'll do it as soon as I can. Just as well she's going to college. She'll get away from the evil witch then if not before.
A truck thunders by, horn blaring. Shit! I'm not concentrating. Maybe I should stop and get a coffee or something. I need to calm down and then go home. But I just want to get back, back to my normal, chaotic, loving family, where people are nice to each other most of the time. Even when we quarrel, and fuck, we do that a lot, we know it doesn't mean anything.
Madison doesn't have that kind of home at all. I see how strong she is, coping with the family she has. She's quiet and reserved but she's not feeble. It takes grit to put up with that kind of shit and still smile as much as she does.
Fuck Mrs. Collins. Fuck her. Why did she have to come home early and spoil everything that was good about today? We were as happy as clams earlier on, playing like we did. I loved how Madison wanted to do as she was told, how flirty she was, how she let me be in control. I can't wait to play like that again. I don't know where we'll go next time, but we'll find somewhere. We have to.
Madison! Who knew she’d be like that—teasing me, urging me to punish her? It was fucking awesome to see how wet she got, to fuck her over that chair, to come inside her.
My beautiful Madison, with her soft pale skin and little freckles on her nose and those big eyes that always seem to see right through me. I can't believe I fell head over fucking heels in love this summer with a girl I met at the beach. I should have told her how I much I love her. I might have if her fucking mother hadn’t come home.
But that's the last thing I remember thinking, just as I see the car coming right at me. I slam my foot on the brake, but it's too late to stop the horrific crunching of metal as my car hits the other head on and turns over and over. All I can think before the world goes black is this is what it feels like to die.
CHAPTER 21
MADISON
Next day, Mom is determined not to let me see Luke again before I go. When I ask to borrow the car for half an hour, she insists she needs it at the house so she can pack up. Even if she didn't, I know she wouldn't let me go.
I just want to tell Luke myself that I have to leave. I want to see his eyes when I tell him. I need to know that he wants me to stay just as much as I don’t want to go. I want to kiss him and feel his arms around me one more time before I go back home.
But Mom is on at me the whole time getting me to fetch this and that. I call Luke, but he must be working, and I just have time to send him a text and to call Jill to apologize about Friday before Mom nags me again to do something.
I throw things in a bag willy-nilly. I don't care what gets left behind. I know I'll come back here soon somehow to see Luke, whether Mom likes it or not, and I can get whatever I need then.
By eleven, Mom has shut up the house and we leave Sandy Cove behind.
I wonder why Luke hasn't texted back. He's usually quicker than this even when he's working. I hope his encounter with my mother hasn't put him off. She's enough to put anyone off. But no, I know he'll get back to me once he reads my message telling him Mom made me go back home.
But he doesn't call or text all day. I keep checking my phone and there's nothing from him. I'm starting to worry. I call him when I know the restaurant should be closed for the evening but he doesn't pick up his phone. Why isn't he calling? Does he think those things Mom said were true? That he was just a summer fling? That I would open my legs to anyone? No! He knows that was my first time in the forest. Surely he wouldn't believe her knowing that.
Or is it true what my mother said about him? Am I so easy to replace? My own parents think I'm worthless. Maybe he does too.
But that can't be it, I've seen it in his eyes. I was starting to think I saw love there. I don't think I was imagining it. We were so good together. I can't believe he doesn't care now that I've gone. Surely he would get back to me even if it's just to say it was good but it's over. I can't believe he would leave it like that.
But maybe I don't know him as well as I think I do. It's only been a few weeks. Maybe he's too much of a coward to tell me it's over. I know he's left other girls. Lots of other girls. Why would I be any different?
***
After a week of waiting, I can't help but think I was wrong about him starting to love me. He doesn't care about me at all. That's how it looks. But I have to know. It hurts too much to worry about my pride. I call him again. His cheerful voicemail message tears me in two. I hang up. What's the point of leaving another message? He hasn't answered my last three.
Should I call him at the restaurant? I have to know for sure. I dial the number. No one picks up. They must be busy, run off their feet, not to take a booking. Perhaps they just didn't hear the phone. I leave it an hour and call again. A waitress answers.
“Can I speak to Luke?” I ask, my heart in my throat.
“Did you say Luke? I can hardly hear you, it's very busy.”
“Yes. It's Madison.”
“Sam, there's a girl called Madison looking for Luke. What should I say?” I catch, though I'm not sure. She has her hand over the receiver.
“Another one,” I hear and my heart lurches. I'm just another girl chasing Luke.
“I'm sorry.” The waitress is back on the line. “I'm new here. I don't know anyone. Can you call back when the family are around?”
“Okay,” I say and put the phone down.
I mean nothing to him. Not a thing. I'm just one of a string of gir
ls from his past chasing him now. How could I have been so stupid? Stupid, stupid Madison thinking anyone loved me. Why would they? I feel so alone. I just want to curl up and die.
CHAPTER 22
LUKE
When I first come around, there's no one there. I see a white ceiling; it's blurry and I shut my eyes again and fall asleep. Sometime after that when I wake, I hear voices and once, someone weeping. I don't know who they are or where I am or what I'm doing lying here. And I sleep again. One time I feel someone holding my hand. And then whoever it is fades away, and I sink down into a deep, deep sleep.
Then gradually, every time I open my eyes after sleeping, I manage to focus a bit more. Sometimes it's dark and I can't see much, other times I see that white ceiling and once, I see it clearly enough to detect a few hairline cracks. That's a good day when I see that, but I sleep again. I can't stop sleeping.
When I finally come around and see that ceiling clearly again, I realize I'm hooked up to all kinds of equipment. My mouth is dry. I could murder a glass of water.
A nurse comes in. “Do you know where you are?”
“Hospital?”
“Yes. You were in an accident. A bad car accident. You're at Mountview Hospital. I'll call your parents. I said I'd call if you fully regained consciousness.”
“What day is it? How long have I been here?”
“You were brought in here about two months ago. You were in a coma but we've been seeing signs that you were coming out of it for a couple of weeks now. Your mother wanted to stay with you, but she's exhausted. We keep having to send her home before she ends up in here herself. A doctor will be around soon to run some tests but don't worry. You're in good hands.”
The nurse reminds me of someone—Madeline, no Madison. How could I forget? I want to see her.
CHAPTER 23
MADISON
Summer comes to an end. I don't go back to Sandy Cove. There's no reason to go back there. Luke hasn't tried to contact me. Not once. Not to explain. Not to break up with me.
I feel sick when I think of how much he meant to me and how he just tossed me aside like some piece of trash when I had to leave. There were always other girls around who would do whatever he wanted. I knew that right from the start. But I didn't think I meant so little to him. It hurts thinking about it but I can't stop.
As if that isn't enough to make me feel bad, I have to deal with Mom too. She spends half the time raging about something Dad or I have done, half the time crying in her room. I can't forgive her for the things she said to me at the beach house, but I can't say she was wrong about Luke. I just get through every day and try to keep out of her way as much as I can.
Dad calls me before I go to college, and I meet him for lunch near his office in Manhattan. I wonder if she will be there, his new girlfriend, and whether she really does look like me or Mom was just saying that. Dad doesn't bring anyone with him.
“I'm sorry, Madison,” he says. “I had to get out. Living with your Mom was killing me, destroying us both. It was never going to work. Now I'm gone, perhaps she'll be happier. She wasn't happy with me, always finding fault.”
“Mom is never happy with anyone.” I feel disloyal criticizing her to him, but I know it's true. “I think she hates me.”
“She doesn't hate you, honey. It's not you. It's just the way she is. I think she loved me in the beginning but lately I just think she's only capable of loving herself.”
“I'm not even sure she loves herself. She spends all her time shouting at me or crying.”
He winces. “It's not much fun just now, I know, but it will be better at college. It will give you a break from her.”
“I hope so. Mom said you were having a baby.”
“Yes, that's true. I'm not sure how it will be to be a father again, but Cara and the baby are the good things that have come out of all this.”
“Congratulations.” The word sticks in my throat.
“Here,” he says and hands me an envelope. “I'll cover your college tuition and expenses, but you'll need some extras, so why not treat yourself while you're here in town? I have to go. I have a meeting in ten minutes, but it was lovely to see you.”
He calls the waiter for the check and pays with his credit card.
I feel dismissed. I have been allotted forty minutes. He has given me lunch. He has given me money. He thinks that his duty as a father is done.
I don't want to shop. My heart isn't in it. My father knows nothing about my life. Nothing about what makes me happy or why I'm sad right now, and I don't think he cares.
I go back to Greenwich. I know I need to snap out of this. I don't want to ruin my first semester at college with parental blues and heartbreak hanging over me. To anyone else, being heartbroken over a guy I only knew a few weeks might seem ridiculous. But I know how it feels. It's like someone died, someone special who is never coming back.
CHAPTER 24
MADISON
I don't even mention Luke to my new roommate at college. Chelsea is bright and bubbly. We're not very well matched on the surface, but she's like a breath of fresh air after my mother. Nothing seems to get her down. Not even being landed with a roommate who doesn't want to socialize much.
“You've got to get out more, Madison,” she says, “and start living a bit.”
I guess she's right, and sometimes I go out with her to stop her going on at me.
Usually, the parties are not as bad as I expect, and sometimes I even find myself enjoying being among a crowd of Chelsea's friends who seem intent on nothing more complicated than having a good time. I don't think I'm naturally gloomy. I've just had a crap time lately. It's good for me to come out of my shell after the hell of a summer I had.
It's at one of the parties that Chelsea drags me to that I meet Brad.
I notice him as soon as we arrive. He's tall, with thick, short sandy hair. A college jock type. He looks like he works out.
When he comes over to us and says, “Introduce me to your friend, Chelsea,” I'm flattered. Chelsea knows him from high school.
He takes me out to dinner that Saturday. There’s no point feeling sorry for myself forever and acting like a hermit. He's good company and flirts with me. I need that. I need to feel wanted again, and he has all the words and easy manners to make me feel good.
“So where have you been hiding out on campus?” he says. “I haven't seen you around.”
“Oh, you know, class, the library, the usual places.”
“The library this early in the semester? No wonder I haven't seen you.” He laughs. “I don't hit the library until I have to.”
“Don't you care about your grades?”
“Eventually, I'll care, but not tonight. Tonight I have dinner with you on my mind.”
I smile. He takes my hand. It feels odd holding a guy's hand again after Luke. But I have to brush all thoughts of Luke aside. Holding onto him is like believing in the tooth fairy. The special relationship I thought I had with Luke didn't actually exist.
Brad walks me back to my place and kisses me gently on the lips. It's nice, but I don't melt. I want that melting feeling back like an addict needing a drug.
“Want to go to a movie during the week?” he asks, and I tell him I would like that.
He holds my hand at the movie and kisses me more deeply than before when he drops me at the door of my dorm. I like him. We meet for coffee a couple of times during the week. He tells me about his family. His father is in finance in the city. Brad plans to do something similar when he finishes school. He asks me to dinner again, and we go out.
After dinner, he takes my hand. We walk through the campus as he takes me home and I don't mind at all when we stop now and again so he can kiss me. He's a fun date and I'm starting to like him more and more. As we get to my building, he pulls me into the shadows.
“I want to kiss you properly,” he says.
I smile, and when he kisses me, it feels good, his hands at my back and the heat of his body agai
nst mine. It feels good to be in his arms, to have someone who likes me again.
His kisses become more urgent, his tongue probing, and I respond. His hands are all over me now and I know it's time to stop before someone tells us to get a room. We're just around the side of the building, so I break away.
He laughs. “Sorry, I got carried away there.”
I smile. He’s a real gentleman.
“We're throwing a party at my place next weekend. I just wanted to make sure you were free Saturday and didn't make any plans to go off with other guys.” It sounds like he wants to know where he stands.
“No other guys,” I say.
“Good.” He smiles and kisses me.
***
Brad shares a large apartment near the campus with three guys he knows from high school. It's no crumby student place. Though it's dark and they’ve moved the furniture to the side of the main room to make space for the party, I can imagine how good the apartment looks normally with its high ceilings and tasteful décor.
“It belongs to Dan's parents,” Brad tells me. “His mother designed the interior.”
He and his friends have really struck it lucky.
“I'm impressed. She has good taste.”
“You should see my room,” Brad says, winking.
I laugh.
He gets me a drink, some kind of punch with fruit floating in it.
“What's in this?”
“I'm not sure. Fruit juice, vodka, I think. The guys made it. You prefer a beer?”
“No, it's okay.”
It tastes good. I'm not keen on beer, but I drink it sometimes. There's alcohol at every party. It makes me relax and feel part of the crowd. I sip my drink, though not too fast. I don't want to get drunk.
