by Helen Lacey
“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t think Doug was the kind of man to betray his only brother in such a terrible way...but I was wrong. And I’d known him for three years. And since I’ve really only known you for two weeks how can I be sure of your motives?” She moved to the mantel and waved a hand past Doug’s photo. “All I know is that I’m not going to make a mistake that will end up with me having all these...feelings...and then end up looking like a first-rate fool.”
Tanner’s heart thumped in his chest. “You think making love with me would be a mistake?”
“I think making love with you would be out of this world,” she said quietly. “And then I’d wake up in the morning and remember you are leaving soon. And then I’d also remember that Doug treated you badly and it would make perfect sense that you’d want a little revenge.”
Tanner rocked back on his boots. “I don’t want revenge. I never did.”
“Then what do you want?” she shot back. “A ready-made family? Because that’s what you get with me, Tanner. You get me and Oliver. Your brother’s leftover family. The family he never got to claim because he was killed. How could you possibly want that? Not after what he did to you. Even I’m not that naive.”
Tanner heard the pain in her words. Felt them through to his bones. The truth about Doug teetered on his lips. But he could never tell her that his brother had no intention of claiming her and Oliver. Even if she suspected it, he couldn’t tell her. Hurting Cassie was the last thing he would intentionally do. It didn’t matter how he felt...Doug would always be between them.
It was insurmountable. Impossible. And foolhardy to think otherwise.
“I’ll see myself out,” he said flatly. “Good night.”
He didn’t wait for a response and it took less than a minute to get to his car and drive off.
*
“So, what happened then?”
Cassie wasn’t the kiss-and-tell type. But she’d needed someone to talk to and M.J. was her friend, even though the other woman usually dished out the kind of advice she often didn’t want to hear. The alternative was to speak to Lauren. But she was happily wrapped up in her fairy-tale engagement with Gabe Vitali, so Cassie figured M.J. was the better option.
“After we kissed?”
Just thinking of the kiss they’d shared made her head spin. It would have been so easy to let him stay.
“Yeah,” M.J. said and sighed. “After the kiss, what then?”
“We just came to our senses.”
“You did or he did?”
“Both,” she replied and poured a second round of coffee for them both. “The truth is I don’t know how to feel about him.”
“Because of Doug?”
“Because of him,” she replied. “Because he’s only here temporarily. Because he’s handsome and nice and so incredible with Oliver that I could easily fall... You know what I mean.”
“Fall in love?”
“Yeah,” she admitted, terrified to even imagine the idea. “I was so close to saying yes when Tanner said he wanted to stay the night with me. But I was so scared about what it would mean. For him. For me. Even for Oliver. Sex would just complicate things even more than they already are.”
“Sex usually does,” M.J. said with a wry smile. “But if you like him...”
“I do like him. That’s the trouble.”
“I think the trouble is that you’re scared of loving anyone again,” M.J. said astutely. “Doug wasn’t exactly Mr. Commitment or Mr. Reliable and you’re afraid that Tanner won’t be, either.”
“But he is,” she said and sipped her coffee. “That’s the thing...I know he’s different from Doug but I’m still unsure. I’m still scared.”
“Well, no one ever said love was rational. Maybe you simply need to talk to him again. Have you seen him since?”
Cassie shook her head. She hadn’t seen Tanner for two days. “He’s probably avoiding me. The house painting and the gardens have been finished so there’s no need for him to be here.”
“I saw the for-sale sign out front. I’m sorry.”
She sighed. “Well, I knew it was coming. The real estate people came through last week and took pictures and the sign went up early this morning. I almost wish it sells quickly so I’m forced to find somewhere straightaway. I’ve had no luck leasing a new house. The two I applied for that I can afford won’t take a dog. So I’m back trawling the listings again.”
“Something will turn up,” M.J. assured her. “And I can always take Mouse if it comes to that.”
“I know,” Cassie said and sighed. “But I need to stand on my own two feet. And that means finding a place for myself, my son and my dog—all of whom are my responsibility. As for Tanner...he’ll be gone soon. I doubt he’ll stay until the house sells. He’s got his ranch to get back to. And his life. And I’m just a little blip on his radar.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’m not sure about anything,” she admitted. “But I do know I’m not courageous enough to lay myself on the line. Been there, done that.”
M.J. came around the counter and gave her a much-needed hug. “I still think you should talk to him. Sticking your head in the sand didn’t do you any favors when it came to Doug. And it won’t do you any favors with Tanner, either.”
“I know. But I’m not that brave.”
“Sure you are,” her friend said gently. “You’re as brave as they come. Make the call and talk to him. You never know what might happen.”
That’s the problem...
How could she explain how scared she was? Or how confused she was about Tanner? Cassie took a long breath and nodded. “Okay. I will.”
But she didn’t. Because late that afternoon her grandfather had a massive stroke and was rushed to intensive care. Cassie dropped Oliver at Lauren’s and rushed to the hospital, where she found her grandfather fighting for his life in a hospital room, his frail body connected to tubes and monitors. The doctor saw her immediately and gave her the grim news. It didn’t look good and her grandfather was critical. He probably wouldn’t wake up. There wasn’t anything they could do and she needed to prepare herself. She needed to say goodbye.
Then they let her see him. She touched his forehead and told him she loved him. She thanked him for being a loving, caring grandparent and hoped in some way he heard and understood her words.
After a while, with her emotions at breaking point, she got up and headed out to the waiting room. She was still sitting there at eight o’clock. Still there as other worried relatives, other families, came and went. Still there as nurses changed shifts. And still there when a tall, jeans-clad figure came into the room and sat down beside her. She didn’t move. Didn’t speak. But a welcome relief washed over her the moment Tanner reached out and grasped her hand, enfolding it within his.
“How did you—”
“I spoke to Lauren,” he explained softly. “She told me you were here.”
Cassie nodded and heat prickled behind her eyes. “I’m so sick and tired of death,” she said, her throat thick. “I mean, I knew this day was coming. In my mind I’ve been prepared for it in a hundred ways. But right now, right here, all I can think is how I’m so tired of losing the people I love. I’m tired of loss and grief. Every time I lose someone I feel my world getting smaller...because I’m just that little bit more alone.”
He squeezed her hand and she experienced a connection deep down. “You’re not alone.”
For now...
But she didn’t say it. All she could do was remember their kiss. Remember how she’d felt in his arms.
Complete...
That’s how he made her feel. In a way no man ever had before. Not even Doug. Cassie dropped her head to his shoulder and closed her eyes. He was strong, a rock, a haven for her fragile heart when she needed comfort and understanding. And he knew it. Their connection was deep, borne out of sharing a similar road in life. They could, she suspected,
become the firmest of friends. And lovers. And more.
And it terrified her.
Cassie believed she’d loved Doug. He’d turned up in her life at a time she’d been vulnerable and alone, and for a while he’d made her feel as if she was part of something. A couple. A family. But deep in her heart she’d never felt truly cherished. Yet she hadn’t questioned his commitment, even as he drifted back and forth into her life during the brief years they were together. She accepted it. Blindly. Foolishly. Because she’d never truly believed she deserved more from him...or from anyone.
Knowing what Doug was really like had changed that. She did deserve more. Only, she was too scared to trust what her heart and body yearned for.
When the doctor returned half an hour later and told them her grandfather had passed away, Cassie gripped Tanner’s hand as hard as she could. He sat with her for a while and then later he drove her car back to Crystal Point and left his rental in the hospital car park. They stopped by Lauren’s and Cassie remained in the car while Tanner collected her son. Lauren didn’t come out and Cassie was grateful. She didn’t need sympathy. She didn’t want hugs and kind words. She wanted the comfort of silence. And the strength of broad shoulders that she knew instinctively would be there if she needed them.
Tanner didn’t say a word on the drive home, nor when he took a sleeping Oliver from the backseat and followed her wordlessly up the path and then inside. He put Oliver to bed and found her on the sofa in the living room, hands tucked in her lap.
“The baby’s asleep,” he said. “You should get some rest, too... You’ll have a hard day tomorrow.”
She knew that. There were plans to be made. A funeral to arrange. Her grandfather’s things to collect from the nursing home. Cassie nodded and stood as a lethargic numbness crept over her skin and seeped into her blood.
“Thank you for being with me tonight.”
He didn’t move from his spot by the door. “Go and sleep. I’ll tend to the baby when he wakes during the night.”
“I can’t ask you to—”
“You’re not,” he said, cutting her off. “Go to bed, Cassie. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She stood and walked toward him, all her emotional strength zapped and with no energy to disagree. “Okay. Thanks.”
He reached out and held the back of her neck for a moment, rubbing her skin with his thumb. Then he softly kissed her forehead. “Good night.”
Cassie walked down the hallway to her bedroom, closed the door and dropped onto the bed. She tried to cry. She tried to weep away the pain in her heart. But no tears came.
*
Neville Duncan’s funeral was a somber affair. Around one hundred and fifty people turned up for the service and most stayed for the wake held underneath a canopy in the gardens of the chapel at the cemetery. Cassie was stoic the entire afternoon and Tanner kept a close and watchful eye over her as she politely thanked her grandfather’s friends for coming.
Once the wake was over about twenty of her friends and some colleagues from work came back to the house, where Lauren’s mother had arranged for a catered meal for another, more intimate gathering. Tanner kept Oliver in his arms for most of the day and was feeding the baby in the kitchen when Ruthie spoke from the doorway.
“He’s very attached to you.”
Tanner looked up and smiled. “It’s mutual.”
Ruthie came into the room and rested her hands on the back of a chair. “You plannin’ on sticking around longer than you’d thought?”
“Not at this stage. The house is on the market, so we’ll see what happens.”
Her gaze flicked to Oliver. “It’s gonna be hard for you to leave. I mean, now you’ve got something to stay for.”
He rocked Oliver gently. “I’ll come back to see him when I can.”
Ruthie cocked her head to one side. “That’s not exactly what I meant. You still aiming to get your heart broken again?”
“Not a chance.”
“Good,” she said and smiled. “Now, get back to South Dakota, find yourself a wife and make a couple of these,” Ruthie said and pointed to the baby. “Because this daddy stuff really suits you.”
Tanner laughed softly. Ruthie had a way of cheering him up. And she was right. He loved hanging out with Oliver and being around him only confirmed what he’d begun to suspect—he was ready for his own family. After Ruthie left he put the baby in his crib and walked back into the front living room. There were only a few people remaining—Lauren and her fiancé, Gabe, M.J. and two older couples he remembered were Lauren’s and M.J.’s parents. Cassie was by the window, sitting alone, her gaze focused on the teacup in her hand. He walked across the room and perched on the stool next to her.
“You okay?”
She looked up. “Sure.”
“Oliver’s in his crib, sleeping soundly.”
She nodded. “Thank you for looking after him. It’s been a busy day for him.”
“He’s handled it. He’s tough...like his mom.”
Her brows came up. “I’m not so tough. This is just my disguise.”
Tanner glanced around the room. “Well, I don’t think anyone has figured that out. And your secret is safe with me.”
She leaned closer. “I wish...” Her whisper faded for a second. “I wish everyone would leave.”
Tanner moved forward. “I’m not sure being alone is the—”
“I won’t be alone,” she said, interrupting him. “I have Oliver.” She stopped and met his gaze. “And you.”
Tanner’s stomach clenched. All day she’d held it together, as he’d known she would. She’d spoken at the service, giving a short eulogy for her grandfather, and he’d marveled at her strength and resilience in the face of her grief. But he knew she was lost inside. He knew her heart was broken. And he wished he could fix her. He wished he could ease the pain in her heart and offer comfort. When all he could do, he knew, was simply be a friend. He couldn’t hold her. He couldn’t take her in his arms and stroke her skin and kiss her lips and help her forget her troubles.
It was another half an hour and nearly seven o’clock before the last guests left. By then he could see she was almost at the breaking point. Her back was ramrod straight, her arms clasped tightly around her waist and her eyes shadowed with a heavy, inconsolable pain.
Once the front door was closed and she’d waved off her friends she joined him in the kitchen, where he was stacking the dishwasher to keep his hands busy and his mind off taking her in his arms.
“Well,” Cassie said with a weary sigh as she came around the counter. “I’m glad that’s over.”
“It’s been a hard day. But I know your grandfather would have been very proud of you.”
“I hope so.”
He shut the dishwasher and straightened. “Do you need anything? Lauren’s mother stored the leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry.”
“I don’t think my stomach would tolerate food at the moment.”
“You should eat something.”
“I can’t...”
Her body shook slightly and as she gripped the back of a chair for support, Tanner raced around the counter and reached her in a few long strides.
“Cassie?”
She looked up and the tears in her eyes tore through him. “I feel so...”
“I know,” he said and gathered her close. “I know, sweetheart.”
She sighed heavily and pressed her face into his chest. And then she cried. Heavy, racking sobs that made him ache inside. Tanner cradled her head and held her, feeling her despair through to his bones. It was several minutes before she moved, and when he felt her resistance Tanner released her and she stepped back unsteadily.
“I’m sorry,” she said with a hiccup as she wiped her cheeks. “I promised myself I wouldn’t do that today.”
“You’re allowed to grieve, Cassie.”
She shook her head. “That’s just it...I’m tired of grieving. I grieved my parents and then Doug and now...this.
I can’t do it. I can’t bear the hollow feeling and the sadness. It’s too hard and it’s not what I want.”
“Then what do you want?”
She raised her chin. “I want to stop living my life like I’m all out of backbone.”
“That’s not what—”
“It is,” she insisted, her voice filled with raw emotion. “It’s what I’ve always done. I always take the safe road. I’ve never been anywhere. I’ve never been on an airplane or hiked a mountain or bungee jumped off a ledge. I never challenge anything or anyone. I never say what I really want to say. I always comply. And I never have the courage to say what, or when, or who. All my adult life I’ve put up with people walking over me, with being overlooked in my work, with my boyfriend taking me for granted...and I’ve had enough. I want more... I want...”
“You want what?”
Her blue eyes glittered brilliantly. “I want... I want you.”
Chapter Ten
It wasn’t what she’d expected to say. Or planned. But she was so weary from saying and doing what was expected. In that moment, while he watched her with such profound, heated intensity, Cassie knew exactly what she wanted for the first time in her life. And who. Even if it was simply for one night.
“Cassie, I—”
“Don’t say no to me,” she implored. “Not tonight.”
He didn’t move. He looked startled. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do,” she insisted. “I know exactly. Days ago you said you wanted to make love to me.”
“And days ago you said it would be a mistake.”
He was right. She had said that. Out of fear. And guilt. And some crazy notion that he wanted her out of some kind of cruel revenge. But Tanner wasn’t that kind of man. She knew that deep in her heart. “I was wrong to say that to you. It’s not what I think. What I feel.”
He didn’t look convinced. “Sex isn’t the answer to erase the pain you’re feeling, Cassie. All it will do is confuse us both.”
“Maybe I want to be confused,” she said and took a step closer, thinking how handsome he looked in his dark suit and tie. “Maybe I want to stop doing what I think I should and do what I want for a change. And maybe I want to feel something other than grief and sadness. I want to feel heat and sweat and pleasure and—”
