After a few seconds, he shakes his head. “Can you ask Tessa to tell her neighbor, Mrs. Fernandéz? She’s going to be devastated.”
“Where are you going to stay?” I ask and Pablo steps forward.
“You’re staying with us, son. You’ll always have a place to stay.”
“I need to tell my sister,” Diego whispers.
Pablo gives him a reassuring pat on the back. “We’ll figure everything out.”
I sit at a table to roll my silverware while Donelle takes care of the rest of the tables. Diane cut me first since I arrived this morning.
My brain races. I wish I could help Diego somehow, but I don’t come up with anything. I’m not a lawyer, but I do know some people who might help. I’ll talk to Samira. Maybe she can advise him or guide him to the right people. My fingers slip and I break the little sticky paper. I drop a fork on the floor, then a knife.
I don’t know what it’s like to have parents loving me, being there for me, but if I had that, I wouldn’t want to lose it either.
One second you believe everything will turn out okay.
The next, you lose people you love.
It happens all the time. And it sucks ass.
Chapter Thirty-one – Tessa
Mom’s foot bounces on the floor while her fingers drum on the table. She’s been getting up every five minutes to check by the door—even Buster stopped following her around. She walked all the way to the entrance of our little community to make sure the fake psychic didn’t get lost. Her jitters are contagious but I force my own knee to not jerk up and down.
“Where is your dad? We need to talk before Faye comes. First, he’s too busy to come to church with me despite what he said, and he still manages to be late,” she repeats for the fifth time in less than two minutes. She grabs her pack of cigarettes and then drops it. She doesn’t smoke inside. She only smokes out back and if she goes out back, she might miss Dad or Faye arriving. Instead, she opens a drawer and pulls out some nicotine gum from the last time she tried to stop.
I lean forward on the table. Mom cleaned up our small home and made coffee. “Why don’t you try calling again?”
There’s a knock at our door and she rushes to open it.
“It’s you.” She sounds nervous.
“It’s me,” Dad replies and his tone is only slightly annoyed. It’s been way worse than that. He enters the kitchen and I get up. His hair is gray on his temples. When I was little, I used to think he was Superman. He still is but it’s like he lost his superpowers. He wraps me in his arms.
“Hi, baby girl.” He kisses the top of my head. He smells the same as my childhood—a mix of cologne and paint—and yet everything’s different. “How is school?”
“School’s okay. I still haven’t found a new scholarship to apply to though.”
Mom gasps. “Your junior scholarship…did you hear about it?” She stops pacing and stands in front of me.
“I did. They’re not putting me forward.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks and touches my shoulder.
My kneejerk reaction is to pull away. “Why didn’t you ask me? You forgot.”
“I…I…” She turns to Dad, who plops himself next to me. He frowns but doesn’t say a word for or against her.
“I’m sorry,” she finally says. Her voice shakes and I’m not sure it’s because she’s experiencing nicotine withdrawal or she worries about Faye. “I’m sure you’ll get another scholarship though. You’re so bright.” Her foot bounces again.
“Karen, we said we’d tell her today. Before Faye comes. Before any of that.”
I frown. “Tell me what?”
Dad’s teeth are clenched and Mom’s eyes are glued to the floor. “Mom?” I nudge her. “What’s going on?”
She exhales loudly and her lips quiver. “You know I love you. I’d do anything in the world for you.”
“I know,” I whisper back because this sounds bad. If she starts like this, it can’t end well.
“I used your college fund.”
Her words don’t compute. “What?”
“I used your college fund,” she repeats.
My blood freezes in my veins. My grades aren’t good enough for a scholarship. Financial aid wouldn’t cover everything. My college fund was my security blanket. “How much of it?” I manage to ask.
“All of it,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
Air gushes out of my lungs. “Who did you give it to?”
“To Lara…”
“The psychic of the stars? The one who’s always on at night? How many times did you call her?” My hands grab the table in a failed attempt to appear calm.
Mom has the decency to not look away. If she avoided me, I might completely lose it. “Every night for a few months.”
“You’re kiddin’ me? Every night for months! While I was working at the gas station three evenings a week, you were on the phone?”
“Sometimes I waited until you were back home,” she replies.
Anger pools in my veins. I stand up and kick the chair I was sitting on. “How could you do this to me? How could you do this for people who use you? Did any of them find Mellie?” My voice rises and my father slides closer to me but nothing can stop me. “Without this money, what am I going to do? I didn’t get that scholarship. My grades aren’t good enough for a scholarship because I work. Based on the calculations so far, FAFSA might cover a third…”
“I’m sorry.” Mom’s voice breaks. “I’m so sorry.”
“But are you? Really?” My tone is deprecating and Mom gasps.
Dad cuts me off. “Tessa.”
“When? When did you spend it?” I have to know how long they’ve been keeping this from me.
“I don’t know. I closed it six months ago and thought I’d spent only a little bit…I spent everything. One phone call after the other…five minutes turned into five hours almost every day.” Her lips tremble and tears run down her face.
My anger fights against the sadness and guilt staging a protest in my heart. Sadness wins. Tears gather in the corner of my eyes. “Mommy,” I whisper and I sound like my ten-year-old self after Mellie got snatched away. “Because it’s my fault, right?” I hold myself on the table. “You know it’s my fault. I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry.” I don’t bother wiping the tears falling steadily on my face.
“Of course it’s not your fault!” Dad rushes to say but Mom’s mouth gapes open. No words come out. She doesn’t say anything. “Karen, tell her! You know it’s not your fault. We talked about it at family therapy years ago.”
Mom jolts and she takes my hands in hers. “He’s right. I wasn’t punishing you. I know it’s not your fault.”
“It is though.” My voice is small and broken. Those family therapy sessions seem like a lifetime ago. We tried to heal. But then we stopped going. I wish we’d start again. “If I had run to you right away, we might have been able to find her. Or if I didn’t try to get Buster.” Buster wags his tail as he hears his name and plops down by my feet. “Or if I didn’t convince her to play in the fields instead of right by the house.”
Mom grabs my hand. “It’s not your fault. I’m so sorry about your college fund. I was sure this psychic was different and I don’t want to leave any stone unturned. I’m so sorry.”
If she’d asked me, I would have given her all the money. But it’s all gone. My dreams of studying and pretending to move forward. All gone. I have no clue what I’m going to do. What’s the point of trying to keep up with school if there’s no future?
My chest tightens so much it’s hard to breathe.
“Baby girl, I’m so sorry,” Mom repeats and then turns to Dad. “Is that what you wanted? Are you happy?” Her words are venom but her tone is defeated.
“I didn’t want any of this.” Dad sits back down. “But she needed to know. Now, we can talk about how to move forward. We can look for solutions.”
I shake my head but maybe he doesn’t see it becau
se he continues. “We need to talk. There are scholarships.”
“My grades aren’t good enough.”
“You need to study more then, work less,” Dad says and before I can protest, he adds. “You’re keeping everything together but your mom and I will also come up with a plan.”
Mom tilts her head to the side. “We will?” She sounds as lost as I feel.
“We will. We’ll go see Dr. Thelmy again and we will tighten our belts. You can pick up an extra shift while Tessa drops one of hers.”
Mom purses her lips. “It’s not that easy.”
Dad takes a deep breath and he leans back in his chair. He waits a few seconds to answer and when he does, his voice is much calmer than before. “It’s not. But we need to figure it out. We’re in this together. We all miss Mellie, but we can’t sacrifice Tessa’s future to find her.”
“What about Faye? She really may know something.”
My mouth gapes open. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get it. If she had known something, she’d have told us.
Dad exhales loudly. “Karen, it’s not about Faye. We’ll meet Faye and we’ll talk with her about the money. We’ll see what we can do. If she knows where Mellie is, we can convince her to tell us. But the odds are low.” He scoots his chair closer to me. “We’re going to figure something out. It’s not going to be easy, but we will. I’ll be there more often. I’ll move closer. We’re going to figure it out, I promise.” He gently wipes away my tears and opens his arms.
But I can’t lean into his embrace. It’s all too much. All too raw.
The anger’s still there.
“I can’t stay. I can’t be here. I’ll call you later but I have to go.” I jump up and hurry out of the house.
Mom still wants to throw money at Faye, even tough we have no proof of anything. Part of me understands. But another part of me wants to scream and then curl up into a corner and cry.
Mom’s betrayal is like a knife twisting into my college dreams, into my future.
Chapter Thirty-two – Luke
I’m pulling into the long windy driveway when my phone rings. My uncle’s car isn’t there. I cut the engine.
“Hey.” Tessa sounds like she’s been crying and panicked chills sprint down my spine.
“What’s going on?”
“Can we meet at the lake? I really need to talk.” Her voice breaks.
I don’t hesitate for a second. “When do you want to meet?”
“Now?” She catches her breath as if she’s been running for hours. “I’m out of a college fund. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
I frown and my hand grips the phone tighter. The pain in her voice is too strong. It hits me right in the guts. “I’m on my way.”
“Thank you.” She sounds relieved. I don’t think she realizes how much I wish I could take the pain away from her.
I warn Officer Benji, who’s watching me again. I may go a bit faster than I should—especially with him following me—but I still arrive after her at the lake. There are a few cars and a few silhouettes in the distance. She’s leaning against her Honda and gives me a small wave when she sees me.
I hurry to where she stands and pull her into my arms. She relaxes into me right away and I breathe in her familiar and addictive scent: strawberry shampoo, sweet perfume and summer. She always smells like summer.
We stay glued to one another for a few more seconds before she pulls away. “There’s a spot on the other side that’s usually empty.” She points to the lake behind where the bonfire takes place. “It’s a bit of a walk.” She bites her lower lip as if hesitating, but I kiss the hesitation away.
“I’m game. Let me tell Officer Benji where we’ll be.”
She shivers. “Okay.”
I hurry to where Officer Benji stands. “We’re going on the other side of the lake. Can you please give us some privacy? I understand you have to follow me but…she’s not doing well.”
“I’ll stay back where I can see you. But I’ll be far away enough that I won’t hear what you’re saying.”
That’s as good of a deal as I’m going to get. And I want to be sure we’re safe. That Tessa’s safe.
We walk hand in hand in silence until we reach the spot she mentioned. It’s not as close to the lake, but the view of the water still has this calming effect.
“Do you want to sit?” she asks, her voice still wavering. She glances back. “He seems pretty far.”
“He needs to see where I am but doesn’t need to hear our conversations. What we say is between us.” I plop down and she carefully sits next to me. Our shoulders and thighs touch and I’m so aware of her every little movement: the way she runs her fingers through her hair and puts it up, the way she inhales and exhales deeply before speaking.
“I have no clue what I’m going to do. I’m not like Diego or Shawna. They always knew what they wanted to be. Mellie did too. Either an astronaut or a veterinarian. I wanted to sing but I didn’t even know where. Just sing. Maybe Broadway. But I never had a clear idea. All I wanted was to learn more about singing and get a degree. I have no clue.”
I wrap my arm around her. “People change their minds. Even Diego or Shawna, they might decide they want to do something else.”
She sighs. “But they have a goal. I need a goal.”
“Can finding your goal be your goal?” I ask and she raises an eyebrow. “I mean it. You don’t have to have all the answers right this moment.”
“You said you wanted to become a social worker, but how are you going to do that? What’s your plan?”
I lift a shoulder and my fingers trail down her naked arm. She shivers even though it’s warm. “I’m more of a here and now kind of guy.” I chuckle and even though her smile is small, I’m ready to pump my fist in the air in victory—something I saw someone do in a movie Lacey used to watch with her friends.
“I didn’t ask who you wanted to do,” she teases me and my fingers trail the path back up her arm. My lips touch that spot on her neck.
“That would be you. But not ‘do.’ I want so much more than to do you.” She laughs but it’s short-lived.
She shakes her head. “I’m serious though. You know you want to be a counselor or social worker. Erin wants to study photography. Nadia wanted to work in theater, become an actress, move to the big city and make it big. My best friend when I was a kid always knew she wanted to work with animals.” She takes a deep breath. “Didn’t you notice the lunchroom discussions? It’s all about where people have been accepted or if they decided to stay here and learn a trade. They know.”
“Not all of them do. Some of them pretend to know or think they know.”
“How about you? How do you know that’s what you’re meant to be?” she insists.
“I want to give back,” I admit and watch her reaction. My muscles tense when she doesn’t reply right away. I blabber. “I got help and my little sister, Lila, she has a wonderful case worker. She’s making a difference, you know? The money sucks and the hours suck too but…I want to help.”
“I think that’s great.” She moves so that she can straddle me and I’m not complaining. “See, you know what you want to do.” She tilts her head, freezes for a second and slides back to my side. “I totally forgot Officer Benji was there.” She’s beet red but then she shrugs. “It’s better I remembered now than later.”
“I really wish we were alone.”
“Tell me about it.” She smiles. “I really want to kiss you. I mean he’s pretty far away so I think we totally could kiss.”
“You’re stealing my lines,” I reply, and finally we melt into one another.
Her fingers trace different shapes on my biceps and then they trail underneath my shirt. Until they find the spot that always shoots me back into my past. My muscles tense. She stops and her eyes find mine. “What happened?”
“What if I tell you I don’t want to talk about it?”
She dips her head until her mouth is only an inch away fro
m mine. “If you don’t want to talk about it, then I’ll continue kissing you. I’m not forcing you to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
Her hair falls around her face and my fingers get lost in it. I pull her closer to me. Our mouths collide into a hungry kiss. And I want more, so much more. My hands graze the skin underneath her shirt. She’s warm and soft. My fingers follow the curve of her spine and she moans my name. I thought I couldn’t get harder but I was wrong. I want to flip her on her back and taste her skin. But her own hands are hesitant. And even though we’re not facing Officer Benji, I definitely don’t want to give him a show. She touches my shoulders and my back but I know part of her mind must wonder.
I lean back down as her lips touch my jaw and my neck. “Fuck,” I groan this time in frustration. “I have to tell you before we go any further, because I want you to be able to touch me…everywhere. Without stopping or wondering. Whenever we can.”
I close my eyes and force myself to think about my uncle snoring in the living room, or about Diego tearing up in the restaurant… After a few seconds that probably stretched into minutes, I open my eyes again. I wrap my arm around her shoulder. I kiss the top of her head. It’s like she understands I need her near me to tell my story.
Birds chirp in the distance and while the evening stretches out, the sky is still very much blue. The air is peaceful. Peaceful can be deceiving.
I clear my throat. “When we first arrived at the compound, Lacey and I didn’t understand. We played with the kids who were there and Mom was more relaxed. She told us we had found our special place.” I shake my head slightly but focus on a tree branch floating on the lake, on the way Tessa’s hair smells like strawberries and summer. “Mom didn’t want us to be marked by the knife so young, that’s what she said. That’s the first time he beat her. She excused him, saying she overstepped her boundaries. Then, she told us we needed to get the mark carved into our skin.”
“Marked?” Tessa gasps and snuggles even closer.
“It’s part of the Circle’s tradition. We started some sort of school about a month after we got there. We had daily rituals, and we learned about our Master. Mom told us how we were being saved. How sacrifices were needed. How we needed to understand so we could grow pure and happy in the Circle.” My left hand digs into the ground, keeping me steady. “He hit Lacey too. I tried to help her. I tried to put myself in front of her. And then Mom got pregnant. And she definitely joined them then. She had a Circle baby. Lila.” I inhale and exhale, but the anxiety I always feel when remembering the past claws into me and doesn’t let go.
See Me, See Me Not Page 14
