by Chloe Walsh
Letting myself inside, I moved through the house like a ghost, desperate to escape into the safety of my bedroom. I kept my head down, afraid that if my brother appeared right now and looked at me he would immediately know what I'd done and where I'd just come from. Shame was coursing through my veins, bringing with it anxiety and, if I was being honest, a little nausea.
I heard Jackson in the kitchen. He was prattling on about something so I took that as my opportunity to sneak up the staircase and into my room.
Once inside, I hurried over to my bed. Removing my backpack from my shoulder, I turned it upside down, letting the contents spill onto my duvet.
Sinking down on the edge of my mattress, I picked up the small rectangular shaped box with trembling fingers. The lady behind the counter said the sooner I took it, the better, so I quickly tore the box open and popped the pill into my mouth, washing it down with a bottle of water on my nightstand.
A sudden knock on the door, followed by Jackson's voice, caused me to drop my water on the floor.
"Hey," he said, sauntering into my bedroom. "Where'd you and Ivy go at lunch? It's not like you to cut class."
I'm in trouble, Jackson, I wanted to blurt out, but I refrained. "Ivy had an appointment," I said instead. Lying didn’t come easy to me, and from the look on Jackson's face, he could tell I was full of B.S right about now. Dropping to my knees, I retrieved the bottle and rubbed the damp piece of carpet nervously.
He cocked a brow. "An appointment?"
"Uh-huh." I swallowed deeply. "At the doctor's office." Climbing to my feet, I walked over to my desk and dropped the bottle in my trash can. Turning to face him, I added, "I went with her, you know… for moral support."
Jackson walked over to my bed and sank down, not caring that he was squashing several of my school books. His brows were furrowed when he asked, "Why, is she sick?" His voice held a note of concern and it touched my heart. Maybe Jackson wasn’t planning on completely ripping my best friend's heart to shreds. The notion warmed me.
"God, no," I blurted out, feeling my cheeks flame. Knotting my hands behind my back, I struggled to come up with a rational excuse for attending a doctor's appointment during school hours. "She just…"
"What's this?"
Every ounce of air expelled from my lungs as I stared in horror at my brother who was holding the box that had contained the morning after pill in his hands.
"Plan B?" He looked at the box and then at me. "What the fuck are you doing with the morning after pill, Andi?" Jackson looked livid as he jerked to his feet and stalked towards me. "Do you have something you need to tell me?" I could see the wheels in mind jumping to all the right conclusions and I panicked.
"It's not mine," I denied. "I'm just…I have…"
"Fuck," Jackson hissed. "Is this what you two were doing?" He stared down at the box in his hands again before letting out a pained groan. "You should have told me about this, Andi."
"How could I?" I squeaked, unsure as to why he thought I could ever tell him. "I knew you'd be mad about it."
"Mad?" His brows furrowed in confusion. "I'm not mad, Andi, I'm concerned." Running a hand through his spikey blonde hair, Jackson sighed heavily. "God, I don’t know why she'd even need this. I'm always careful."
Wait… he thought the pill belonged to Ivy?
So he did in fact sleep with Ivy?
Thank god…
"I need to go see her," Jackson muttered under his breath, still staring down at the box like it was alien to him. "Find out what the hell is going on."
"Jackson, wait!" I called out, racing after my brother who was already halfway out of my bedroom door like a man on a mission. "Don’t go yet…can you just wait a second please –"
My words broke off the moment I stepped out of my bedroom and my eyes landed on Nathan,
He was standing stock still in our landing with Jackson standing in front of him, waving the box in the air.
Skirting back into my bedroom, I grabbed my phone off my bed and quickly tapped out a message to Ivy.
Andi: Please don’t be mad. Jackson found my prescription and thinks it's yours.
Seconds passed by and then three little dots appeared at the bottom of the screen.
Ivy: WTF Andi!!!!
Cringing, I tapped out another message.
Andi: I am so sorry! He's on the way to your house now. Please don’t tell him it's mine…
Ivy: You're gonna owe me big time, Andi Davis!
I sagged in relief.
Andi: Thank you so much for this…
Ivy: Don’t thank me. Pray that the damn pill works because I won't be able to cover a baby for you…
The sound of my bedroom door slamming distracted me from my phone and I looked up only to wish I hadn't when my eyes landed on Nathan standing with his back to my door, blocking me in.
"We need to talk," he bit out, folding his arms across his chest. In dark navy overalls, tied at the waist, and a dirty white wife beater, Nate looked incredible. He had obviously come to our house straight from work. His tousled black hair looked like he'd just fallen out of a woman's bed.
My heart sank at the thought.
Frozen in spot, I just looked at Nathan, unable to say a word. How was I supposed to handle being around him now? Three nights ago, this boy had stripped me down and taken my virginity against a tree. Now he was standing in my bedroom, looking at me with hard, angry eyes.
"Okay," I finally said. Hurrying over to my bed, I sank down, feeling the need to rest my trembling body. Being in close vicinity to Nathan Cole caused havoc on my nerves. "Let's talk."
"First off, I need to apologize to you," Nate said. Exhaling heavily, he ran a hand through his hair and moved towards me. "I am so fucking sorry about the other night."
"It's alright," I whispered, feeling my heartbeat rocket in my chest. "You don’t have to be sorry, Nate." I wanted it. I wanted you…
Sinking down on the bed beside me, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his muscular thighs. "I messed up, Andi," he muttered, not looking up from the hands as he loosely clasped them together. "Real fucking bad."
I remained still as a statue beside him, unsure of whether or not I should say something.
"I…enjoyed it," I finally whispered, cheeks burning. "If you're upset because you think I didn’t want it then you're wrong. I enjoyed what you did to me."
Nate let out a pained groan. "Damn, Andi." Rubbing his face with his hands, he turned to face me. "You can't say shit like that."
"Why not?" I asked, mirroring his movements, turning my body to face him. "It's the truth."
"Losing your virginity is supposed to be…special for a girl," Nate choked out. "It's not something some white-trash asshole takes from you against a goddamn tree." He looked at me guiltily. "The Plan B wasn’t Ivy's, was it?"
I shook my head slowly.
"Jesus Christ," he groaned. "I've never done that before. I have never fucking forgot to wear a condom in my life. I swear to god, Andi. I…"
"I wanted to give it to you," I admitted, interrupting him. "I've only ever wanted you to have me. And you're not white-trash, Nathan."
"Andi," Nate deadpanned. "You're Clive Davis's daughter. Your momma is the goddamn queen bee of this town and your brother is my best fucking friend. We both know I crossed the line Friday night and you’re just too fucking nice to admit it." Letting out a groan, Nate threw himself back on my bed and sighed. "I know the score, Andi. You're thoroughbred and off limits – especially to guys like me. Everyone knows it, and I still…Fuck!" He threw his tattooed covered arm over his face and bit back a groan. "I have fucked shit up so bad I don’t even know how to fix it."
Pulling myself onto my knees, I leaned over Nate's washboard stomach and clasped his wrist with my hand, pushing it away from his face.
"I'm not sorry." My breath was coming in short, fast puffs, as I held myself above him, my blue eyes staring into his brown. "I wanted you, Nathan Cole." I still do…
; His eyes were on my face, searing me, burning holes through me. "Andi, I live in a fucking trailer. My mom's a drunk. My dad's a John Fucking Doe. You know this. I've got fuck all going for me. I'm bad news. I'm broke. I'm nothing..."
"You're something to me," I heard myself say before leaning towards his lips.
"Something dangerous," Nate replied quietly, holding my face between his hands, stopping my lips from touching his. "Do you have any idea what your daddy would do if he even suspected you were messing around with a guy like me?"
I had an idea – and it included an all-girls convent up north...
"I don’t care if you're from Riverside, and I don’t care about what my father thinks," I whispered, refusing to allow my fears to hold me back. "I want to be with you. I always have…"
"No," he growled, his mouth almost touching mine. "You don’t. You just think you do because I was your first. Sooner or later, you're gonna figure out I'm a real bad decision."
"Then you're my bad decision to make," I argued, wanting this boy more than I'd ever wanted anything. "I'm a big girl, Nate. I can make my own mistakes."
Exhaling heavily, Nate shook his head and gently pushed me off him before climbing to his feet.
"Well, here's one decision you won't have to make," Nate hissed, not meeting me in the eye. "You and me? It's never going to happen."
*****
Chapter Eleven
I avoided Nathan Cole as much as I possible could after that day.
For years, I'd done exactly what had been asked of me – expected of me. And the first night I actually went out and had a little fun – and a little alcohol – I ended up hoisted up against a tree with the town bad-boy screwing my brains out.
The worst part was; I didn’t regret it.
As dirty and whorish as that made me, given the chance to go back to that night, I knew in my heart I would do it again.
I wasn’t sure what kind of a girl that made me, but it was the honest truth. Deep down in my heart, I knew I would give myself to Nathan Cole in a heartbeat – if he only wanted me.
I was miserable in school. Every day felt like torture, having to put on a brave face in front of Jackson. The sick thing was; I was still playing the role of Nathan's fake girlfriend.
Of course, it was different now.
I was different.
Deeply wounded by his rejection, I found myself pulling back in every sense of the word.
We didn’t talk anymore.
At school, I kept up appearances and sat with him at lunch, but I opted to take rides from Ivy instead of Nathan. At home, I locked myself in bedroom the moment Ivy dropped me home from school and I didn’t come out until she came back to pick me up. I never answered a single knock on my door and I hadn’t powered my phone up in over a week.
I found myself avoiding Jackson, too. Every time he asked if I wanted to watch a movie or come hang out with him, I refused; the guilt of sleeping with his best friend too much to handle.
On a positive note, I got my period ten days after the party, so at least there wouldn’t be a baby to explain. I could hide my whorish antics and pretend I was still Clive Davis's perfectly polished daughter. Nathan had never spoken a word about that night to anyone, so nobody was any the wiser.
Ivy was still hooking up with Jackson, which meant we were seeing less of each other than ever. Her absence and my lack of contact with my brother meant I was slaying my school work, maintaining an A+ in every class, but no matter how many tests I aced or high grades I scored, I couldn’t shake the sadness inside of me.
The feeling of regret and shame.
The truth was, I felt dirty and disappointed in myself.
Never in a million years had I ever dreamed Nathan could make me feel this way, but he had.
"Earth to Andi!" Jackson's voice penetrated my thoughts and I forced a smile. I was sitting at our usual lunch spot. My brother and Ivy were sitting opposite me. Nathan was right beside me, and yet, I'd never felt so alone. Every now and then, he would try and meet my eye or catch my hand under the table – which was why I now sat poker straight with my hands on the table in front of me…
"I'm sorry. What did you say?"
Jackson returned my smile, but I could see the concern in his eyes. "I asked you if you had a dress figured out for homecoming yet?"
Had I a dress figured out?
I didn’t have my freaking life figured out.
Screw a dress…
"No," I replied, rolling my uneaten apple around in my hands. "Not yet."
"Do you need cash?" my brother asked.
"Jacko," Nate grumbled, stiffening beside me. "Drop it, man."
"What the hell is up with you two anyway?" Jackson shot back. "You two have a fight or something?"
"No," I forced myself to say.
"Andi, you really need to get organized," Ivy added. "If you're still going, that is."
"Ivy's right, Andi. You're cutting it tight," Jackson told me. "With three days until the dance…"
"Oh my god, stop talking about the stupid dance already!" I hissed. "I don’t give a damn about any stupid dress." Having said that, I shoved my chair back and stalked out of the cafeteria.
Storming through the double doors of the cafeteria, I marched down the hallway, desperate to get away from everyone and clear my head.
"Andi," I heard Nathan call out from behind me and his voice caused me to break into a run. "Goddammit, Andi, talk to me, will you!"
I didn’t want to talk to him. I couldn’t stand to hear another it's not you, it's me conversation.
Rushing down the steps of the main entrance of the school, I raced over the quad until I reached the football field.
Sinking down on the grass, I took a vicious bite from my apple and sighed.
What the hell was I going to do?
"Hey, Adriana."
With my half-eaten apple one hand, I craned my head up to see who was there. My heart fell into my butt when I realized who it was. "Oh hey, Dallas," I replied nervously.
"Mind if I sit?" she asked.
I shrugged, unsure of how to answer that question. Of course I didn’t want Dallas to sit with me, but I didn’t own the grass. It was a free country and she could sit if she wanted to.
Rolling my half-eaten apple in between my hands, I kept my face down as I waited for her to tell me what she wanted.
Finally, she did.
"So I hear you and Nate are off the cards again."
Forcing myself to swallow before I spoke, I took a deep, calming breath before saying, "Where'd you hear that?"
"Come on, Andi," Dallas chuckled. "It’s obvious. You two have been avoiding each other like the plague for the past three weeks. Anyone with a brain cell can figure out that you're not with Nate anymore."
"Why don’t you ask him yourself?" I shot back calmly. In spite of all that had happened, my loyalty still remained with Nathan, and if she was looking for dirt on him, then she would have to ask him herself. "I'm sure you'll find him in the cafeteria."
"Maybe I will," Dallas replied coolly, obviously miffed she hadn't gotten the answer she wanted.
"Is there anything else?" I asked, feeling incredibly uneased by the way she was staring at me. I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that she was mentally laughing at me. I knew that sounded absurd, but I honest to god felt it. Deeply.
"I'm just trying to figure something out about you," Dallas mused, eyes locked on my face.
"Oh really." I could feel my cheeks burning, but I was determined not to let her know how much she was affecting me. "And what's that?"
"I'm trying to figure out what kind of a messed up childhood you had that caused you to have such daddy issues."
I gaped. "Daddy issues?"
"Well, yeah," Dallas replied in an almost sympathetic tone. "You must be lacking something real bad in your life to make you fawn over a boy who's as good as a brother to you."
"Nathan is not my brother," I shot back in a heated ton
e.
"I said as good as a brother," she corrected, smiling. "Did your daddy not give you enough attention, Andi?" She laughed. "Is that it? You were ignored as a child and now you're craving affection from someone who held authority over you?"
"I'm not talking about this with you," I shot back, flustered. "Just leave me alone, Dallas."
"Are you going to the homecoming dance with him this weekend?" she demanded, tone hard this time.
"Ask Nate," I repeated before taking a bite from my apple, desperate to be left alone.
"You don’t give much away, do you?" she mused, flashing her beautiful white smile.
"I like to keep to myself," I replied in an even tone.
"Hmm." Dallas clicked her tongue. "Hey, how's your daddy doing?"
I frowned. "Fine..."
"And your momma?" Dallas smiled. "How's she doing?"
Now I did turn and look at her. "They're both fine, Dallas."
"Good," she replied almost coyly. "You know; I can tell you're a major Game of Thrones fan, but you might wanna lay off the peroxide."
"Game of Thrones?" I shook my head in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"Come on, Andi," Dallas chuckled, nudging me gently in the ribs. "We all know you're trying to pull off the whole mother of dragons look but honestly? I think you're pretty enough without bleaching your hair." My mouth fell open and Dallas quickly snapped it shut with a flick of her hand. "And here's another tip; a little mascara on those lashes could really help tone done the whole bulging eyeball thing you've got going on."
"I…what?"
"Your eyes." She smiled sweetly. "Honey, they need toning down." Giggling, she added, "I mean, is it a medical issue? Do you have Grave's disease or something?"
"No." Immediately my hands moved to my face. "This is just how I look."
