by Tom Leveen
I start up the car and drive.
When I get home, I head for my room. Mom and Dad are asleep. Gabrielle’s door is open partway, her TV on low, casting the room in gray-blue shadow. She turns her head as I walk past.
“Hey!” Gabby says. I stop, come back, lean against the doorjamb.
“So? How’s it going?” Gabby sings. “What’s up, where ya been, whatcha been up to, who you been with, what’s happenin’ …?”
“Sydney called you, didn’t she.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“So now I’m an asshole.”
“Maybe not asshole. Idiot, yes.”
“I just came from Becky’s house.”
“Okay, now you’re an asshole.”
“I kissed her.”
“… Oh. So. How’d that go?”
“Awesome. Beautiful. You know what? Everything I ever wanted, I got tonight.”
“Uh … and what’s on that little shopping list, hmm?”
“It wasn’t like that. Well—okay, it was almost like that, but no. We only kissed. Twice. That’s all.”
“I don’t see you bouncing off any walls or turning any cartwheels, bro.”
“We might talk tomorrow,” I say, not responding to Gabby’s observation. My head is going in too many directions, like thumbing through the pages of a book. “And maybe—maybe we’re going to start going out. Or if not tomorrow, soon. Like, boyfriend-girlfriend, you know?”
“Vaguely familiar with the terms, yes.”
“I really hurt Sydney,” I say. I’m not sure I’m talking to Gabby or myself.
“Yeah. You really did.”
“But I don’t love her. I mean, I care about her, I do, but I’m not in love with her.”
“Oh, well, that’s a solid reason to date someone for two years. Idiot. I just say that in case you missed it the first time.”
“She’s not in love with me, either, Gabby.”
“How do you know that?”
“She never said it!”
“Said? Are you … Wow, Tyler. I just lost all my big-sister cred for not having taught you about women better than that.”
I don’t reply, because we both know I don’t have to.
“So what do I do?” I ask. “About Becky. If—if—she wants to go out, that’s, like, my dream come true.”
“According to the transcript, you said you already got everything you ever wanted.”
Right. Did say that. So then …
No. Too tired.
“I’m going to bed,” I say.
“You’re not telling me everything, Ty.”
“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. It’s kind of messy.”
“So’s your face.”
We both smile, and both stop. I stare into middle space. I can sense my sister watching me.
After a moment, I say, “It’s not going to work, is it.”
“With Becky?”
“Yeah.”
Gabrielle presses her lips together and says nothing.
I pull myself away from the doorjamb. “G’night,” I say.
“Night, Ty.”
I go into my bedroom, shut the door, take off my clothes, and giggle a little at the seemingly distant memory of them piling up on Becky Webb’s floor just a little while ago.
And that’s all it takes to convince me.
I love Becky Webb. Always have. I think I always will. And she is one of my best friends. Which is why I can’t be anything more to her, not now. Not knowing what I know.
Robby was right; riding in on a white horse isn’t going to help. But maybe being her friend will.
And that’s okay. For now.
I pull on sweatpants and climb shirtless under a single sheet. My head feels like it’s the size and weight of the complete works of Shakespeare, heavy and angular, pulling me deep into the pillow.
Drifting into sleep, I remember Becky still has the other copy of the LQR.
The magazine with my published story inside.
It starts on page seventeen.
Named after a character in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
It’s about a girl.
TOM LEVEEN has been involved with live theater as an actor and director since 1988, and was the artistic director and cofounder of two theater companies. Tom is a native of Arizona, where he lives with his wife and son. He is also the author of Party and Zero. You can visit him at tomleveen.com.
