‘Boingy, twangy things!’ yelled Hoolie with delight. ‘Look!’ He twanged an aerial so hard it snapped in two. Then he grabbed a mirror, put his feet against the side of the car and pulled it off — GRRRRRANNGGG! — just like that. He stared into it for a second, tossed it over one shoulder and as it landed made a big explosive noise. ‘BOOOOOM! Bombs away!’
At that moment several people came out of the fish and chip shop. They took one look at us and came steaming towards us, shouting furiously.
‘Uh-oh!’ said Hoolie. ‘Time for some ba-ba-ba-boom!’
He began jumping up and down on the car roof, screeching and yelling and waving his extra-long arms like some hairy windmill gone mad. Then he ran STRAIGHT TOWARDS THEM!!! Cat and I were amazed to see the crowd freeze in terror, while Hoolie went straight up to the nearest two-legs, grabbed her fish and chips and came hurtling back towards us, grinning like a maniac, dashed past us and on up the street.
‘Run for it!’ he yelled over his shoulder at us. So we did. Soon the noisy crowd was far behind. We found a quiet place in the park. Hoolie spread out the fish and chips on the newspaper wrapping.
‘Grub,’ he said, and we all tucked in. Cat was being very quiet. He usually talked a lot, mostly about himself. But ever since we had met Hoolie he had hardly said anything. Now he sat back, licked his lips, washed his paws and ears and began.
‘Please tell me what you were doing back there. I have never seen anything like that in all my life.’
‘Really?’ Hoolie was surprised too. ‘That’s what we do in the Safari Park. We jump on cars and pull their twangy bits. It’s brilliant. The two-legs don’t like it, you know. It makes them cross.’
‘But why do it at all?’ I asked.
Hoolie shrugged. ‘Isn’t it obvious? We’re building our own.’
‘You’re building your own cars?’ Cat repeated.
‘Yeah! Only most times we don’t get all the right bits, so we keep having to get more. We’ve got loads and loads of aerials and stuff. But we’re short on seats and engines and steering wheels and so on.’
‘Can you drive?’ I asked.
Hoolie burst out laughing. ‘Don’t be daft! We don’t want to drive them. We just want to pull off their aerials in the winter when there aren’t any visitors. We get bored. Very bored.’
Cat rolled his eyes. ‘This is your fault,’ he told me. ‘You said he should come with us. Now we have a lunatic on board.’
‘He got us out of that mess with those angry people just now,’ I pointed out.
‘He got us INTO that mess with those angry people,’ growled Cat. ‘It was because of him they were angry!’
‘And he got us those very nice fish and chips,’ I added. Cat fell silent. He sat back and glared hard at both of us. He does it so well — glaring. Until he fell asleep of course, but by that time Hoolie and I were asleep too.
13 Red Bottom Dog
I woke before Hoolie, but Cat was already awake and staring at a photo in the greasy newspaper left over from the fish and chips.
‘That’s a very big cat,’ I said, and Cat nodded slowly.
‘It’s a distant cousin of mine, from Africa.’
‘Really? Why is it in the newspaper?’ I asked. We both gazed at the article beneath the photograph.
ESCAPED CHEETAH STILL ON LOOSE
The cheetah that escaped from Trapham Safari Park five days ago is still on the loose. Park officials say the animal killed several baboons in the park. Two baboons escaped from the park at the same time. One has been recaptured but the other is still at large. Safari Park officials have advised anyone in the area to keep their pets indoors until both animals have been caught.
‘What does it say?’ I asked Cat.
‘Not much,’ he said. ‘It says cheetahs are the fastest land animals known to Man.’
‘They haven’t seen me!’ I cried.
Cat almost spat. ‘There is no way you could beat a cheetah. Look at those legs! Look at the body! That cousin of mine is a speed-machine. Now look at you! You’re a fat, bow-legged dog with bad breath.’
I ignored him. ‘What else does the newspaper say? There must be more.’
Cat sighed and ran a paw along each line of print as he read it.
‘It says cheetahs have nicer fur than dogs and can run much faster than dogs and they can climb trees, which dogs can’t do, and they have much better eyesight than dogs, and bigger brains too.’
I sat back. I thought it was a strange article to put in a newspaper but Cat said that was what the newspaper said, so it must be true.
‘He’s my cousin,’ Cat went on, ‘which explains why I have a big brain.’
‘Baboons have bigger brains than cats,’ yawned Hoolie, as he stirred.
‘Oh?’
‘Yes, because really we are just like two-legs only we are stronger and better looking. Look at them! The only fur they have left is that tiny bit stuck on top of their heads like a little tufty-wufty thing. Apart from that they’re all bare! Yuk! And I bet they can’t make their bottoms go bright red.’
‘You can’t do that!’ I exploded.
‘Can. Well, not me, but some of us can. I’ve seen it. Bright-red bottoms, lots of them. I bet you can’t do that.’
I went into a corner to think. What a strange world I was in. I looked at Hoolie, with his bright red and blue nose. I thought about having a red bottom. Then I thought about having an orange bottom like the cross two-legs, but a red bottom sounded so cool. I could be the only dog in the world with a red bum. I think Red Bottom Dog would be even better than Dazzy Donut Dog. In fact Dazzy Donut Dog sounded pretty stupid really. Yeah, from now on I would be Red Bottom Dog!
I thought about my pups too and wondered how they were getting on. I was sure Trevor was looking after them but he’s not their mum, is he? I should be there, teaching them how to sniff each other and lick things and jump on chairs and chew pillows and all that doggy stuff. I missed them worse than ever.
‘Tomorrow,’ I told the other two, ‘we are going home.’
‘Africa, here I come!’ yelled Hoolie.
‘Not Africa, Hoolie. My home, where my pups are, and Trevor.’
‘Trevor?’ asked the baboon.
‘He’s a baby two-legs,’ snapped Cat in disgust.
‘Has he got a car?’ asked Hoolie dreamily.
Cat turned back to me. ‘How are we going to get home? Do you suddenly know the way?’
I shook my head and my ears flapped. I felt good about this. Flapping ears always makes me feel good. ‘I feel it in my bones. Trust me. Tomorrow we will find home. I’m sure of it. What we need now is a good place to sleep.’
Well, that’s what I said — we needed a good place to sleep. Do you know what we did? We all slept up a tree. We did. Even me! I know dogs can’t climb trees, but I’m Red Bottom Dog now and Red Bottom Dog can do anything. Mind you, Cat and Hoolie did help pull me up.
‘Why are we doing this?’ I asked them.
‘Oh, you know…’ began Cat, and trailed off.
‘No, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.’
‘In case, you know…’ started Hoolie, but didn’t finish.
Then I realized. They were scared. We were all scared. We were being relentlessly tracked down by a dark Beast of the Night. Every night it seemed to come that little bit closer. I hastily scrambled up the tree.
It’s a bit weird, sleeping up a tree. I don’t know how cats and baboons manage, I really don’t. It wasn’t long before Hoolie was snoring away like one of those road drill thingies that go Gurr Gurr Gurr GRRRRRR! Gurr Gurr Gurr GRRRRR! Cat’s whiskers were twitching away too, which means he was off in Dreamland, but I was WIDE AWAKE.
How do you sleep on a branch? You can’t! It’s stupid. Who’d want to sleep up there? Cat and Hoolie said it was safer but I think that really really really they were hoping I’d fall off. And guess what? I did. Even though I was wide awake and clinging on with my paws and my tail and my ears and m
y tongue and all my fur — everything was locked on to that branch — I fell off, WHEE! BANG! OW! PAIN!
That woke the others up and serves them right too. Fancy going off to Dreamland while I fall out of a tree. They helped me back up and we were just settling back to sleep when…
WE SAW THE BEAST! WE SAW THE THING! WE ALMOST DIED!
14 Homeward Bound
First of all it was just an almost-noise. It went like this: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I put all those little lines there because it was like the noise of silent walking and I think that line looks like silent footsteps, don’t you? You have to imagine them going pad pad pad pad, along the ground like that, only silently. That’s why I called it an almost-noise.
I think we must have heard it in our inner brain. Except of course Hoolie hasn’t got an inner brain because he’s a baboon and they don’t use their brains. I know that’s true, because if they did they wouldn’t go round making car aerials go TWANG!
We sat up in the tree, dead still, and with me holding on with my tongue and tail and legs and everything. I could feel myself slip-slipping, sliding off the branch — AND THEN IT CAME OUT OF THE SHADOWS!
It was that thing in the newspaper! It went slinking along right under our tree and THEN IT STOPPED! RIGHT BENEATH ME! AND I WAS SLIP-SLIDING! Hoolie held on to my ears and Cat tried to stop my bum sliding off the branch and I thought: We are all going to DIE!
I wondered what Red Bottom Dog would do and I knew she wouldn’t be scared, so I pretended I wasn’t, even though I was. I pretended I wasn’t quivering with fear, even though I was. And I pretended I wasn’t slipping off the branch, even though I was. And I pretended Hoolie was holding my ears to be helpful and not because he thought they might be as much fun as windscreen wipers, which I’m sure he was definitely thinking, because he’s mad and trying to build a car and he’s a baboon that can’t drive.
The Beast stopped right underneath and lifted his head and sniff sniff sniffed, like that. And I smelt that smell again, the strange faraway smell and now I knew what it was. It was the smell of long grass, hot sun and great herds of antelope, and the cheetah creep-creeping up on them, with his long swishing tail and sharp teeth.
Now his yellow eyes narrowed and he looked all around. And then he did a great big wee all over the tree trunk! He did! Honestly! He growled quietly, a low rumble — rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. After that he did a bit more sniffing and then he went off again, like this: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (More silent padding.)
And we were still up the tree and we’d been holding our breath for days! So we had to let it out and take a big, deep breath. Phew! We had seen THE BEAST and we had survived. Red Bottom Dog saved the day! Then Hoolie let go of my ears and I fell out of the tree again. CRASH! OW! MORE PAIN!
As I lay on the ground I thought: Actually, come to think of it, Red Bottom Dog wasn’t much use up that tree at all. I’m going to stick with Dazzy Donut Dog after all. I think donuts are much better than red bottoms, don’t you?
Hoolie asked if we’d noticed The Beast had two tails.
Cat said its teeth were like daggers.
I said my ears hurt, and gave Hoolie a sharp look, but he just grinned.
We set off and found a road. I was really pleased because, although I hadn’t told anyone, I had a secret plan. I’d been thinking about it for some time. This is how my plan went. We find a van with the back doors open. We get inside. It takes us back to where I came from. Wasn’t that a good idea? I thought it was, and you know what? We saw a van, with the doors open. It was parked outside a house. And another thing — when I looked inside, it was full of pies and sausage rolls! In fact, it was the same van, because I could smell where I’d been sick.
‘I was sick in here!’ I told the others. ‘Jump in!’
‘I’m not sitting where you threw up,’ Cat complained.
‘Just get in,’ I said.
Hoolie didn’t mind where he sat. He was far too busy admiring himself in the wing mirror he’d just pulled off the side. Then he found the pies and began to eat one.
‘Don’t eat too much, or you’ll be sick like I was,’ I warned.
‘Oh, pishy-poo to you!’ he chomped, cramming another pie into his mouth.
We hid behind some boxes and soon the driver came along, and it was the same one — the one with the dark glasses — and he shut the door and off we went.
We hadn’t gone very far before Hoolie said he didn’t feel well. Cat said it was because he’d been looking at himself in the mirror for too long. Hoolie made a grab for Cat’s tail but wasn’t nearly quick enough.
‘Stop it, the pair of you,’ I snapped. ‘We’re almost home.’ Amazingly, they both shut up and Hoolie wasn’t sick either.
‘When the van stops, wait for my order,’ I said. I could smell home. I was sure we were heading in the right direction. I could almost hear my puppies calling to me. Hey, Mum! We’re here! Come on, hurry up! We’ve missed you so much!
The van slowed and stopped. The driver got out. He began to open the doors.
‘Run for it! Ba-ba-ba-boom!’ I yelled.
We bounded out of the back of the van, knocking the man flying, with Hoolie still clutching a haul of stolen pies. He was a pie thief! My puppies were practically shouting to me now. All I had to do was find out exactly where I was. And guess where we were? Right in the middle of Trevor-Town, in the market place.
‘I know where I am!’ I told the others happily. ‘We’ll be home in zippity-zip.’
Cat and Hoolie were standing back to back — the defensive position — looking round the market. ‘Why is it so quiet? Where are all the two-legs?’ asked Cat suspiciously.
It was true. There was nobody to be seen. Strange. Eerie. Sinister. A cold feeling began to creep right over me, making my fur stand on end.
AND THEN WE SAW THE BEAST!
In broad daylight! It was a cheetah — the fastest land animal known to Man, and it was stalking towards us. Cat went yowling up a telephone pole, closely followed by Hoolie. That just left me, on my own. And I can’t climb telephone poles.
I was transfixed. The cheetah’s glowing eyes were fixed on me. I WAS THE TARGET! My tail went between my back legs. My ears went right back, my lip curled and I felt so scared and fierce at the same time and I thought I was going to die.
Cat sat right on top of the telephone pole, hissing and spitting. Hoolie sat just below Cat hurling pies down at the cheetah and screaming at me. ‘Go get him, Streaker! Biff his nose! Stamp on his toes! Pull his tail! Poke him in the eye!’
I wished he would shut up.
There was no escape. What would Dazzy Donut Dog do? This was a mega-emergency. It was going to need at least six extra-special-super-dooper-nuclear-power-plus-iced Dazzy Donuts with multi-coloured sprinkly bits AND jam, but Dazzy Donut Dog was TOO SCARED TO EAT THEM!
The only thing that could save me now was — ME!
15 Who’s the Fastest? Guess Who!
The cheetah paused. It crouched. Its body arched like a coiled spring. It waggled its bottom briefly and then WHOOOOOOOSH! It came at me like a rocket with teeth.
My brain jangled into activity. I thought: I am not Red Bottom Dog and I am not Dazzy Donut Dog — I am Streaker, the fastest dog in the world and now I am going to run even faster than a cheetah or I am going to die! And guess what? I did!
I ran like an even bigger rocket than the cheetah and he was right on my heels and we twisted and turned and he almost got me and he almost didn’t and sometimes I fell over my own feet and sometimes he fell over his feet and I could hear him going pant pant pant right on my tail and my ears were streaming out behind me like twin jet trails.
All the time the cheetah was snapping at me with his teeth going snip! snap! but he kept missing and I ran ran ran ran ran until I thought my legs would fly off my body or they’d get worn right down to teeny-tiny stumps or just maybe they’d turn into wings and I would take off into the sky and fly to safety!
I
went racing round a corner and suddenly I was RUNNING DOWN TREVOR’S ROAD STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE HOUSE AND —
NO, NO! THE ROAD WAS BLOCKED!
There were loads of policemen in the way and I saw the dog-catching van waiting for me and Sergeant Smugg was there and he was pointing a gun STRAIGHT AT ME! and NO, NO, NO! It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I was almost home and the cheetah was behind me and the gun was in front of me and
BANG!
I flung myself to one side, rolling over and over and over in the dust and I thought: This really isn’t fair. I’ve outrun the fastest animal known to Man, and now I’ve been shot dead! That’s not fair at all! Then I thought: Hang on, my brain is still thinking, so I can’t be dead.
I got up and looked around and the cheetah was lying on its side. It was breathing, but it was asleep, because Sergeant Smugg hadn’t shot me, he had stuck the cheetah with a special dart kind of thing that made it go to Dreamland — zzzzzz.
Do you know what all those two-legs did after that? They ignored me! I had run faster than the fastest animal on earth, and all the two-legs could do was go and look at some big spotty cat. I ask you!
I crept away and Hoolie and Cat came and found me and we went sneaking past the dog warden’s van just in case. My heart was beating faster and faster but I wasn’t scared any more, I was bursting with woofy happiness because now I was trotting up my very own front path and standing at the door to my very own Trevor’s house.
‘WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE! WOOF! WOOF! I WANT TO SEE MY PUPPIES!’
Do you know something? Nothing happened! I took a step back.
‘They didn’t hear you,’ suggested Hoolie. ‘Shall I throw a brick through the window?’
Lost! The Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog Page 5
