by Tara Lee
I leave him there, looking at me, and go to my room, closing the door. My heart pounds for some reason. He makes it beat faster, how? What is it about this boy that makes me feel alive? I know I’m young, but even though I know this isn’t normal, my heart feels different.
Daddy told me to stay away from him, but I know he’s just troubled and needs a shoulder, someone to talk to, and I want to be that someone. It’s my job to save him.
Three Years Later
“Why do you keep calling me that?”
“What, baby bird?” I tease her.
Her face scrunches up like she’s disgusted, and I have to admit, it’s cute. I let out a soft chuckle.
“Yeah, that. Why do you?” The look on her face is priceless, like she can’t understand why I’d bestow a cute nickname on her or why she is worthy of one.
It’s been three years since I moved in to live with the Hawkinses and to say it’s been a ride would be the understatement of the year. Jaxon, Luna’s father, isn’t my biggest fan. Might be the fact that I smoke weed in his house, or maybe it's the fact I swear he can sense my need for Luna. It's nothing sexual, I just feel protective of her, I mean, she’s just a kid and she is so naive that she thinks she lives in a picture-perfect world, and to her, everyone should be smiling and dancing around like they have a rocket up their ass. But she doesn’t understand the world isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, it’s not cookie cut with sprinkles and perfection. My experience in this world so far has been dark, hellish, and completely fucked up. My mother skipped out on my brother and me when I was three. I never knew what we did wrong, and even now at fifteen, I still have no clue. I didn’t know what a mother’s love was or even felt like until Lacey became my foster mother. To say she loves too much is an understatement.
I have a crippling fear that one day Luna will see what my mother saw and walk away, too. She is the only other person besides Lacey who accepts me for who I am. Jaxon has his moments. I think that's more Lacey’s doing than anything else, but I give the guy props for not kicking me to the curb when he found my stash of weed for the first time.
Luna is sitting on the other side of my bed. We’re watching some kids' show on TV, and I have pretty much zoned out.
“Because,” I finally answer when I realize I left her hanging while deep in my own thoughts.
“You remind me of a little bird that needs my help.”
I look over at her to gauge her reaction. She stares at me, dumbfounded, like she can’t quite figure me out. She giggles, and it becomes a fit of laughter. She’s laughing so hard she’s holding her stomach and has tears rolling down her cheeks.
“That’s really how you see me?” she finally asks, gasping for air.
I nod and shrug.
“I’m a lot stronger than you give me credit for, Ethan.”
My name on her lips makes me smile. The way it flicks from her tongue has me in knots. Fuck, maybe it is a little sexual. She’s too young for you, she’s too young for you, I keep repeating to myself.
“I don’t know, Luna, you don’t have a lot of muscle on those skinny arms,” I tease, pinching her biceps between my hands for effect.
“Oh, really,” she says, flexing.
Her eyebrows shoot up in a challenge, and I’ll admit she has a little there but she is still in need of my help.
“So how are the girls at school treating you?”
She sighs and leans back, our own little joke now gone. She’s been bullied at school and hasn’t said a word to Jaxon or Lacey. She shrugs but keeps her eyes focused on the cover on my bed.
“Fine, I guess.”
“You guess. Come on, you can do better than that.”
She sighs. “Today they cornered me and told me I was an ugly duckling.”
Tears brim in her eyes, and I clench my fist by my side, trying to control the anger currently coursing through my veins.
“You’re no ugly duckling, Luna, you’re a fucking swan,” I tell her, pulling her to me so she has to face me.
Her eyes swell up, and I pull her into my body for a hug, one that will hopefully take the pain away. I may be burdened with my own pain, but there’s no way I’ll let her suffer with hers.
She pulls back and wipes her eyes. I lift my thumb and swipe away the tears one by one.
“Don’t let those bitches get to you, baby bird. They’re jealous because you are so much prettier than they are.”
She lifts her head a little higher and sniffs. “Y-you think I-I’m pretty?” she asks, her hand brushing away the tears left on her cheeks.
I smile and place a soft kiss on her forehead ,something I know I’ll regret later.
“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, baby bird and no matter what, you will always be more beautiful than any of those girls who bully you.”
Her face lights up with a smile so big I know my words will stay with her next time she runs into trouble.
“Thank you, Ethan.” She smiles at me as she gets up, making her way from my room.
I smile back because, heck the girl makes me want to smile. It’s only her I ever smile for, I think to myself. I’m only feeling like this because she is the only person I’ve ever let in. She’s the only person to know the real me.
She stops and turns to look at me. “You’d tell me if you felt sad again, right?”
Her question shocks me. Can she feel what I feel? I nod, only able to give her that. She sighs and then leaves,closing my door behind her.
She truly is beguiling. Her essence is like a breath of fresh air that pulls me in, sucking away the bad. As soon as she leaves, I’m back there. The darkness pulls me under, and I feel like I’m suffocating. I look down at my wrist. The practice cuts I made last week rest carefully, like it was done on accident, not on purpose. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. I just know I can’t keep the charade up. The feeling of emptiness, unhappiness, and sorrow and dread, fill me every day. I know I’ll hurt Luna if I leave, but she’ll understand. Maybe not today or maybe not in a year, but in time she’ll understand why I had to leave, why I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore,the pain of feeling like I don’t belong. I’m broken, unfixable.
My heart races and I know I need to end this. I need to deal with it the only way I know how . My time on this earth is coming to an end, and I’ll leave the one precious thing that has kept me going all these years. My Luna, my baby bird.
Ethan is hiding something, I can feel it. He’s been distant lately, and I know it’s me he’s distancing himself from. Did I say or do something to jeopardize our friendship?
What did I do?
How can I fix it?
He says he’s broken, unfixable, but he couldn’t be further from the truth if he tried.
I spoke to Mom about Ethan. I told her I was worried about him.
She told me, “He’s just being a teenage boy, darling. Give him some space, he needs to work through his issues.”
Issues, like he’s a problem. Ethan has always been different. He’s more of a loner and keeps to himself, even though he’s popular at school and all the girls flirt with him endlessly. He flirts back, which makes me want to vomit. He doesn't realize how beautiful he truly is. His smile is charming yet devilish. Every time he smiles at me, I feel like I’m floating. I started to realize I had a crush on him a few months ago. I know he’ll never think of me or even see me that way since I’m a kid to him, and he’s also technically my foster brother.
His lips have a distinct twitch when he smiles that makes me melt. I know he catches me staring at him all the time, but a girl can’t help it, I mean, he’s rough around the edges, he has one of those rock-hard jaws that I hear the older girls talking about all the time, and I know he has a set of abs because I’ve seen him without his shirt on. I mean, I didn’t know what they were to begin with, but Google has become my friend, not that I think Daddy would be too pleased if he knew what I was searching up. It’s like God made him with every perfect part of a man's body,
purposely wanting to drive the female population crazy.
I’m standing by my locker and I know Ethan will be waiting at home for me. Today is the day he goes behind the bleachers at school and smokes weed with the other loner kids. Daddy can smell it on him as soon as he gets home, but lucky for Ethan, Mom usually steps in, keeping Daddy calm. I know Daddy hates it and I know he hates that Ethan and I are so close. I tell Ethan things I’d never tell my parents. For starters, my parents have no idea that Chloe and her little flock of sheep pick on me every day, teasing me about anything and everything. They trip me up, knock my books from my hands, or just call me names to my face. When I broke down in front of Ethan the other day, I slipped up. I didn’t want him to see my weakness. He doesn’t know that I starve myself at school. That's one little secret I have kept all to myself.
The last time Chloe called me a fat cow, I ran to the toilets, threw up my lunch, and cried while I sat on the cold, hard floor. It wasn't until the bell rang I realized I was late for class. Since then, except for when I’m at home, because my parents would catch on pretty quickly, I watch what I put in my mouth. I don’t want to be known as the fat girl. I’m already known as the ugly duckling. I’m pretty sure I consumed enough weight in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream after the first few times to last me a life-time.
I know it’s time to head home, something I’ve been dreading because I can feel a shift in Mom and Daddy as well. I’m not sure what it is or if I’m just imagining things, but they're not as cuddly with each other as they used to be. Maybe it’s all in my head.
As I’m walking out, someone yells. “BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.”
Chloe and her little pack burst out laughing. “Geez Luna maybe ease up on the fries. I think your hips are buckling under you.” She laughs and walks off.
She doesn’t know that I haven’t had any fries in weeks, and the last time I did. I threw them up because of her words. I keep the tears at bay, not wanting anyone to see them. I don’t have any friends here. The one friend I did have moved away. Callie had to go, even though I begged her not to leave me with the mean girls.
I continue to walk, not looking at anyone, even though I can feel them all stare. I’m half way home when I slip in some mud and a puddle and land on my ass. The water is so cold, and it soaks through my clothes. I bite my lip, not wanting to curse. Can my day get any worse? I stand, trying my best not to cry. Tears are a weakness. I tell myself.
I eventually make it home and I know I need to shower. My butt is freezing, and the mud is drying.
When I arrive, no one is home, which is odd. Usually Mom is home from work by now, but I thank my lucky stars I don’t have to explain what happened. I throw my clothes out— there is no point salvaging them, even though it is one of my favorite tops.
The shower heats up, and I step under the warmth, washing away my day. Finally the tears fall, and I let them this time. If I wasn’t such a mess, I’d tell Mom everything but I don’t want to seem weak, I can handle it all by myself. I don’t need anyone's help.
Two Years Later
I pace back and forth in my room. My heart races as I worry my bottom lip with my teeth.
“Just go ask him,” I say to myself, still pacing. Okay, I have to do this before I chicken out. I mean, he won’t blow me off, will he?
Before I chicken out, I leave my room and take a few steps to Ethan’s door. My hand lifts before I even have a chance to tell my brain to hold up a second.
“What?” comes from the other side.
I know he’s probably high, or close to it, at least. I take a few deep breaths and wrap my hand around the handle. Here goes nothing.
The door opens with a slight creak, I stop just inside his room. My breath hitches just a touch. He stares at me. He’s shirtless, and of course has a joint in his mouth. The smoke lulls around him as he takes in a huge puff.
“What do you want, Luna?” His voice is raspy and sounds a little rough, which is perfect for my hormones because they love when he sounds like this.
He eyes me, eyes wide with a look that tells me. ‘to get on with it’.
I take another one of those deep breaths and prepare myself with what I had prepared earlier to say to him.
“Earth to Luna?” He grunts.
“I have a question to ask you.” I pause.
He sits up. His chest is hard, and his abs practically glisten.
“It’s serious?” He puffs out the last of his joint. His eyes are red and glassy, and he has a slight cocky smile, which makes him look too adorable, even for himself.
I move toward his bed and place myself down on the edge. He makes himself comfortable. His arms go behind his head, and he leans back, waiting for me to continue.
“I want you to teach me about sex.” I wait, letting him process what I just said. I can't even believe I said that. Out loud.
He lets out a humorous laugh and sits back up again, his eyes full of humor. There are twinkles in his eyes that have a slight mischievous look to them. Something I don’t miss. He leans forward, giving me a full view of his face up close.
He stops when I don’t even crack a smile.
“You’re serious?” He has a look of utter shock.
I nod softly. He looks away and huffs out a sigh so loud it seeps through me.
“Fuck.”
He curses more to himself than me, but I still hear it regardless.
“Luna, that’s a terrible fucking idea.”
I go to say something, but he keeps going, holding his hand up to stop me before I even start.
“Why the fuck would you want to know shit from me?”
I give him a slight shrug because I honestly can’t tell him the real reason. Can I?
“Luna.” He leans his elbows on his knees and sits with his legs slightly apart.
“Baby bird,” he tries this time.
His eyes soften, and my belly swarms with butterflies.
“Talk to me,” he asks, clearly eager for the truth to spill out like word vomit.
“I have had the biggest crush on you for years and I thought who better to help me than you.”
“No shit.” He gives me a cheeky smile.
Wait! He knew?
“Ethan, please, does it hurt?” I ask curiously. I sit closer to him, and his knees are just inches apart.
He sighs and runs his hand down his face.
“ I’m going to fucking hell,” he says under his breath.
I smile and shrug.
“Probably, but at least you’ll be my first.”
“Jesus Christ, Luna,” he says with slight annoyance to his tone.
“You want me to do what exactly?”
“I want you to teach me about sex and make it not hurt.” My head falls in embarrassment. God, could I be anymore naive?
“Luna, Luna, Luna.” He tsks.
“Please, Ethan, it doesn’t have to be sex right away. Maybe you could let me see your penis and you could show me what to do, what you like.”
“Bloody hell, Luna.” He sits up now. His knee bangs against mine.
“You know your dad will fucking kill me, right? You’re fifteen. Luna. I’m an adult.”
He gets off the bed and paces.
“Fucking hell, this is too much.” He tugs at his hair, his legs moving him back and forth across the carpet.
“Ethan, please, I want it to be you,” I beg I reach out and stop him, holding his hand, our fingers intertwined. I pull him toward me.
“Please.” My lashes fan over my cheeks. I know I’m doing it on purpose so I stick out my lips in a pout as well, just for extra effect.
Ethan sighs and shakes his head. “You really want me to be your first? Why? I’m a loser Luna, and not to mention your brother.”
“Foster brother,” I say all too quickly, correcting him.
“If I do this.” He holds up his hands, and I almost jump with glee.
“We take our time, and I’m sure as hell not taking your cherry today.” He eyes me wit
h a stern look that dares me to argue. His look seems to make him look serious for once.
“Okay.” I sit my bottom down on his bed, pull him with me, and yank a little hard.
He falls on top of me, and our chests touch, and my breath stops. His lips are close to mine, and I can smell the weed odor that hangs around him.
“It will fucking hurt like hell, baby bird, but I’ll make it good for you, that much I promise.”
He groans, then his lips crash to mine all too quickly, his hand holding my hip to the bed. He groans, his tongue moves over mine, and goosebumps break out over my heated skin. My pussy clenches at his erection pushing into me.
“God, Luna.” His mouth falls from mine, and he rests his forehead against mine.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kiss these fucking lips.” He growls.
“Me, too,” I simply say. My heart beats so fast I’m sure he can feel it against his chest.
“You're shaking.” He leans back and takes me in.
His hand brushes my cheek, and I close my eyes at the sensation.
“Fuck, baby bird, you’re jail bait.” He gently bites down on my bottom lip.
I moan around him; he twitches on my stomach.
“Please, Ethan, show me,” I plead.
He hisses through clenched teeth but pulls me up the bed so my head rests on his pillow.
“I’m going to touch you, Luna. Keep your hands above your head like this.” He brings both my arms up and holds them with one hand.
“Understand?” He growls.
God why is that so sexy?
“So bossy.” I tease him.
He smirks.
“You haven’t seen bossy yet, baby, just relax.”
He relaxes next to me, so I sit by him in a comfy position.
He kisses my nose as his hand moves lower. I swallow. His hand stops just above my short line.
“You’re sure about this Luna.”
I nod, never more sure of anything in my life. He looks away, but then his eyes come back to me. I can see he’s fighting with himself on this.
