by Tara Lee
“You have so much to live for, Ethan. I just hope you realize before it’s too late how precious life is and what you’d be leaving behind if you left.” She kisses my cheek and squeezes my shoulder.
“I’ll always be here for you, Ethan, and even if he doesn’t always show it, Jaxon will be, too.”
She walks out, and I bite the inside of my cheek until I taste blood. She’s right, I know I need help, but can I really give up the life I’ve always known? Drugs have always been there, always kept me sane- well, maybe not sane, just pain-free.
Little do I know, those will be the last words Lacey ever speaks to me. I may have slipped up, but I’m determined to get clean for her. Even if it takes me a lifetime to do so.
Present Day
I stare down at the casket as it’s lowered into the ground. My heart is broken, nothing will ever fix this. Tears fill my eyes as they lower my mother beneath the dirt. My breath catches in my throat, and my shoulders shake. I let out sob after sob. She’s gone, she’s really gone. I can’t control the tears that slide down my cheeks and onto my lap. My breath catches again and I try to control my breathing. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop the tears.
My father wraps me in his arms, laying my head to his chest. He tries with everything in him to comfort me, but the uncontrollable tears that keep welling don’t stop, and right now I don’t want them to. My mother is gone, she's never coming back. I'll never hear her voice again, never see her face again. How do I go on without my mom? Dad cries not- so- silent tears, and I cry harder, knowing Daddy is now alone. Why did she have to be taken? It wasn't her time.
I wipe my eyes. The man at the front says a lot of things, but nothing makes sense to me. I swallow the lump building in my throat, and Daddy kisses my head. Callie, my best friend since I was five, grabs my other hand and holds it tight against her. She's crying, too. My mother and her were close. She rests her head on my shoulder, and I squeezed her hand in response. Knowing she’s by my side on the hardest day of my life gives me a little comfort. There’s someone else I expected to be here, but he’s been a no-show. Where is he? Why hasn’t he shown up?
Daddy looks over at both of us and gives me a weak smile. He's trying to be strong for me, but I can tell it’s hard. Mom was his whole life. I don’t know how he’ll cope now she’s gone. Daddy squeezes my hand and lifts it,and gives my palm a little kiss, his way of telling me we’ll be okay. I smile at the fact that I've always been a daddy’s girl. He's been my rock over the last few years after Ethan left home.
Trouble follows that boy wherever he goes, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing could keep him from taking the road he did. I barely saw him after he moved out, and even sneaking to his place just to spend time with him when I did, he was always drunk or high. I remember crying at him because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to get high. It was two years ago when I thought I’d nearly lost him for the second time. He’d taken an overdose of cocaine, ending up in hospital where they had to revive him twice. How he didn’t die, I'll never understand. When I had pleaded with him to break the habit, he’d yelled at me to get the fuck out of his business and leave him alone. He’d become so angry, and I wasn't sure why. Was I the reason for his anger? I knew then I could no longer be his crutch. He needed to take control of his life, even if it meant he had to do so without me in it. Leaving him for good that day was one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do, but I knew I couldn’t keep giving him chance after chance. I knew if he was going to fix himself, it would be without me there. I nearly caved so many times and just ran back to him, but Mom kept me strong. She knew he’d come around. How will I be strong without her here now?
Daddy had told me Ethan had always been troubled, and it was only a matter of time before he went down the wrong path, that path being heavy drugs and hospital visits that still didn’t give him motivation to stop. Did he really want to die? Was living really that bad? Was I that bad to be around he couldn’t be sober? These thoughts plague my mind occasionally until they overtake every thought. I’m letting him control me, and he isn’t even with me anymore.
The service stops, and it’s time to say goodbye. To really say goodbye.
I stand alongside Daddy and Callie. Both of them hold me up as my tears start again. We stand in front of my mother's grave. I look over at the photo we picked for her service. She's smiling with not a care in the world. Her smile is forever gone. I’ll never see that smile again. I swallow hard and close my eyes for a few seconds to collect myself.
“It’s time, cupcake.” Daddy’s voice breaks as he tells me.
“No.” I wail. I go to fall, my legs giving out.
Daddy catches me and brings me to his chest.
“She’s not gone, she has to come back. She has to come back, Daddy,” I almost scream.
Daddy runs his hand over my head and shushes, me slowly rocking me back and forth.
“I know baby, I know.”
He swallows and I know this is hard for him to see me like this, but I don’t know how else to act. My mother is gone, and I didn’t get to tell her a proper goodbye, to tell her I loved her one last time, to hold her one more time.
“Luna,” Callie says softly. “You need to say goodbye.”
I shake my head. “I can’t,” I sob. I sniff and turn to look up at Daddy.
“Don’t make me say goodbye, please.” I beg.
He brushes my hair from my face.
“I wish I didn’t have to, cupcake.” His own tears fall.
He nods to me to go on up. I look over again. My bottom lip trembles as I walk over to say goodbye to my mother. I know if I don’t, I’ll regret it later when I have my wits about me again.
I take a huge breath in and place my hand on the photo of her.
My tears fall and drip onto the ground. I keep my eyes on her photo, not wanting to look into the uncovered grave. I shiver and think of her down there in that dark, wet place.
“I love you, Mom, I always will. Thank you for teaching me everything and for making me who I am. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today and I owe it all to you. I will cherish all the memories I have of us and I promise your grandbabies one day will know all about you. Please watch over me and Daddy. I promise I’ll make you proud of me one day. I love you.” I touch my forehead to the photo one last time and close my eyes.
Daddy’s hand touch my shoulders, helping me up. My body gives out on me, and he hugs me tight, and then lets Callie take me while he says his own goodbyes. Callie takes me away so I don’t hear Daddy’s words but maybe that’s a good thing. I’m not that strong, not yet.
Once people say their apologies for our loss and we have received as many “I’m sorry” as we can handle, Daddy, Callie, and I make our way to the car. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and without a doubt, I know he’s here.I look up, I search for him with my eyes, and still stop in my tracks when I see him. Ethan, the boy I will always love, stands near a tree, staring at me. He carries his own pain, that much I can tell. Does he feel awful for not attending my mother's funeral? Or has he been here the whole time?
Daddy follows my line of sight and curses under his breath. Callie sighs a deep sigh. Her and Ethan never really got along. To say they despise each other is putting it mildly. Daddy had quickly figured out Ethan meant more to me than a brother ever would. When I’d told him I was in love with Ethan, he’d forbidden me to ever see him, but of course, I was young and in love. I didn’t care what my Daddy had said. Love had won out.
Ethan stumbles a little when he stands to his full height. He’s drunk, that much is clear. Is that his way of handling the death of my mother? He lights a smoke, and Daddy shakes his head.
“I’ll be in the car.” He kisses my temple, leaving me standing in front of Ethan.
Since my declaration of love for Ethan, Daddy hasn’t been able to be around him for more than a few minutes without getting angry, so he always excuses himself before he says or does something bot
h of us know he’ll regret later. I guess that still hasn’t changed, because once again, Daddy excuses himself before he says something I know he will be angry about later.
I haven’t seen Ethan in months. He went missing for a while, and I thought maybe he was getting clean, but when I saw him in town awhile back, high as anything, I knew nothing was going to change. Ethan is the same guy I walked out on that day. His struggles run deeper than even he knows. Maybe one day he’ll get a handle on them. Apparently, today is not that day either.
“Hey, baby bird.” Ethan slurs, his voice raspy and sexy as hell.
It still affects me, and my body sings with pleasure.
“You’re drunk?” I state.
It was more of a fact than a question, because clearly, he is. He can't deny it. He sways a little and uses the tree to keep himself upright. Has he turned to alcohol instead of drugs now?
“Oh, come on, baby, don't be like that.” Ethan smirks at me.
I shake my head. I go to walk away, but he grabs my arm before I make it three steps in front of him. The effect his hold has on me sends goosebumps over my skin. My body lights up like a Christmas tree. The effect hasn’t left, it never will.
“Please can we talk?” he pleads. His eyes hold desperation.
I swallow.
“Are you still using?” I looking down at his arms that are covered by a suit jacket, so I can't tell.
He pulls at the sleeves, and there’s my answer. He hasn’t changed one bit.
Has he even tried? Attempted to get clean?
“I’m trying, Luna.” The desperation in his voice is clear. He looks up at me. “Don't give up on me, okay, not you, too.” He practically pleads with me.
We both look back at my dad who's standing near his truck, arms crossed over his chest, eyeing Ethan as if he’s going to harm me somehow.
“He hates me.” Ethan rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t blame him. I deflowered his little girl and am a washed-up junkie.”
He could quit the junkie part anytime, but I don’t point that out.
“I guess I’ll never be good enough for his little girl, no matter what I do, huh?”
I bite my bottom lip, not knowing how to answer, because the reality is, is any man ever good enough for their father’s little girl?
“Ethan,” I start to say but stop, because he’s right, I think Daddy’s more angry that he’s a junkie than he is about me. He expected bigger things from Ethan.
“I see you added,” I say, nodding at the tattoos that peek out from his shirt.
He nods, “Yeah, I did.” His fingers play with his neck as his eyes divert to the ground.
“Hey, Callie.” He notices my best friend is still standing by.
“Ethan,” she states, deadpan, not even looking at him.
Okay, awkward as hell.
He reaches his hand out to me, and I can't help but take it. I run my thumb over his knuckles.
“Ethan, you need help. This isn’t healthy with what happened last time. What if I lose you?” Too is what I wanted to say. Mom was killed by a drunk driver, and I can't bear to lose Ethan, too, not this way, not like that.
“Luna,” he says, almost growling my name. “Not this again, I'm fine, okay? Just because I like an escape, doesn't mean I can't quit anytime I want. I’m not a bad person. Just drop it okay?” His voice raises a little.
I know Daddy’s heard him by the way he stands from his truck. I lift my hand, telling him to stay.
“Yeah, right?” Callie mutters so only I can hear.
“Please, Ethan, I want the old Ethan back.”
He scoffs as if he’s appalled and he shakes his head.
“I didn’t come here to get shamed for being me, and how did you know this wasn't always the old me? Since my brother, I've used it. It was no surprise, not something I kept from you, Luna.”
He was right, he hadn't, but he had gotten worse, and over the years used heavier drugs. When he’d tried cocaine at fifteen. I thought he’d lost his mind. He said it was to drown out Brantley. He often said he could see his brother as if his ghost was keeping an eye on him.
“I’m sorry,” he says, realizing he snapped at me. He runs his hands over his face, frustrated and annoyed.
His fists clench at his sides and I know he’s about to snap. He hates raising his voice at me. He fights with himself when he does, but I know he’s just got so much anger he’s never dealt with, the anger of losing his brother. No matter how many times my parents tried to convince him to go to therapy to talk about it, he shut down and locked himself in his room for days. Mother always panicked he’d starve, but Daddy always said when he got hungry enough he’d come out. Of course he was right, all the time. Eventually Ethan would come downstairs looking for food.
“I’m gonna wait with your dad,” Callie says and walks away, leaving me alone with Ethan for the first time in forever.
“Have you sought help, Ethan?” I ask, curious if he had spoken to someone about his brother.
“I don’t need to talk to some whack job about my feelings, Luna, okay, I’m perfectly capable of dealing with this on my own.”
Another lie.
I sigh, knowing no matter what I say, nothing will convince him.
“I was used to being someone you loved, Luna, what happened?” He suddenly asks.
I look up at him. “You think I stopped loving you?” God, if he only knew.
Regret for him thinking that has my heart ripping in two. He shrugs, looking down at the ground. He kicks his shoe over the grass. I sigh, wrapping my arms around myself.
“Ethan, I never stopped loving you, but you stopped loving yourself, and I need you to love yourself and me enough to get clean. I can’t be with you if I'm worried that one day you’ll be so focused on yourself and not me and you’ll do something that will take you away for good, because if you keep this lifestyle up, that's what’s going to happen, and you can’t come back from that.” A tear slips down my cheek, and I rush to wipe it away. I need you to come back to me, I want to add but I don’t.
“I can’t be with someone who loves a high more than they love me.” My voice breaks at the last word.
He goes to say something, but I can’t take what he’s got to say. I know it will only be more lies. Ethan has never been good at telling the truth. The impact his childhood had on him hasn’t even cracked the surface yet. He’s a troubled man, and no matter what I do or say, nothing will ever get through to him. Perhaps maybe my leaving him will be good for him in the long run. Maybe it’s really best that we keep our distance. Maybe one day he’ll be the Ethan I know is in there, deep down, the one he’s kept under lock and key since he lost Brantley. The brother he lost but never talks about. Ethan has nothing else to say, not even. ‘I miss you.’ My heart can’t take anymore, not today of all days, so I walk away and run into Daddy’s arms. He holds me close, placing one hand on my back and the other on my head, kissing the top of my head like he used to when I was a little girl.
The pain I feel makes my heart hurt more than it ever has. To say goodbye to both my mother and Ethan on the same day makes everything else in my life seem pointless. How will I live without my mom? How will I survive without Ethan?
Daddy wraps me in his arms tighter, and I hug him tightly to me. He's all I have left now. Well and Callie. I’m kind of stuck with her. She's like the sister I never had.
“Let’s go get you some of that ice cream you love so much. Heck I'll buy the whole store out if I have to,” Daddy says, referring to my love for Ben and Jerry’s.
Mom used to laugh at how obsessed I was. I can't help it, it’s delicious.
“I’d like that.”
He kisses the top of my head again, and we head to the store to find Ben and Jerry’s.
I’m done crying.
I’m done being sad.
I’m going to turn it into anger, anger on Ethan, because he couldn’t see a good thing while he had it.
Four Months Later<
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How did I get here? Fuck, it’s taken a lot longer than I thought, but the time was worth it. For her.
Knowing my life has had a drastic turn is nerve wracking as hell because on top of that, I’m here to win my girl back. I remember going to our old place to convince Jaxon to give me her address. The chills I had walking back up those steps was frightening. It had been a long time since I’d been back.
Luna disappeared four months ago after her mother’s funeral. Can’t say I blame her, I would have fled, too. I did, except my fleeing was at first not my choice, but after losing Lacey, I knew it was time. I had to prove to myself and Luna I could get clean, I could become the man she deserved. I may have been the cause for her sudden departure but I’m here now, and nothing will keep me away. She’s all I think about, all I crave. I need her back. Without her, I am nothing. She’s my ride or die, even if time has passed since I last saw her. She captured my soul and I only ever saw the light with her.
As confident as I am about winning her back, the doubt creeps in again, because I know she won’t believe me. Why would she? How could she really? I’ve been a junkie for a long time now. I started taking drugs at the age of twelve, just after my brother Brantley died. It’s been my vice for so long, I feel like I’ve lost a part of me, but it’s held me back, it’s damaged too much of my life. I needed an out, and Luna walking away that day was the final straw for me.
At first, my world had succumbed to darkness and after trying to take my own life, which was another failed attempt, due to my roommate coming home and finding me. Maybe even a surprise visit from Jaxon and Lacey with a few harsh words said. I know things have to change. Leaving this world isn’t the answer, getting my world back is. Hence why I packed up and moved to New York City.
I followed Luna in hopes she’d give me a second chance, in hopes she’d give us a second chance. I’ve been clean for four months now. When I came home, Luna had moved. It took a lot of effort, but I found her. I wasn't losing her again, not this time, no fucking way. She’s the only constant in my life— until she left. I could understand why. I mean, my addiction came first. My only priority was getting fucked up, nothing stood in the way of that. Luna should have been the priority then, but she will be now. I'll show her I've changed. Yes, my demons still lie underneath, and occasionally I'd see him like I always have. But I’ll prove to her nothing else matters to me except to make her happy. I miss her smile, the way she smells, fuck, did I miss her smell.
