by Criss Copp
“This is what you need to consider.” Robin says snidely, pulling out a ciggie.
I snap and I see red.
“You need to consider the cost to the tax payers for your disgusting smoking habit. It’s people like me that pay for your care through the Medicare system; and then bust my back giving you the time of day when you’re sick in hospital; when there are people who are out there, really sick from not inflicting their brand of suicide stick.” I lash out. I don’t give a fuck actually; kill yourself bitch, just stop being a rude cunt to me while you’re at it.
I know I shouldn’t lash out; but she’s way ruder than me; and she knows this house is too much for me to pay on the government assisted payments I would be living off of while finishing up uni. I would have to cut back on work hours seriously in order to go back in March. I feel the hot tears building up in my eyes and my chest feels constricted... tight... painful.
My parents died coming to collect me for the holidays, only a few months ago. Of course in everybody’s eyes, I’ve done nothing since. Unless you include going home and packing up our house around attending my Mum and Dad’s funeral; putting everything in storage and helping my grandparents, who I no longer speak to because of the Silas incident, place the house on the market. I also found a pig hole to live in, spent my savings getting shitty furniture, because there was no way I was using my parents stuff, or my stuff in that fucked up place, only to get infested. And I’ve worked every shift I could wrangle out of Warren. I haven’t had a day off since Silas left the hospital.
Nobody cares... nobody cares that I’m in pain and doing my best here. I need my girlfriends, they’ll be back mid February. I miss them!
And then it dawns on me that I won’t be returning to uni this year. There’ll be no more freedom, and no parties. One more year to go, but I’ll need to defer to be able to afford this; to get my brother back.
“Okay... I’ll take it.” I croak, amidst the spluttering cries of an offended Rosa... or whatever. I haven’t even looked inside!
***
“That’s the last of it sunshine!” Warren, my boss, shouts over at me. I don’t know why he’s shouting; we’re only two metres away from each other.
“Thanks Warren... can I make it up to you in some way?” I ask, cringing, because even though he’s never been particularly sleazy, I don’t want him to start now by asking me to get on my knees and suck him off. But right now I’m struggling to trust older adults.
“You know what? Yeah you can!” he says, grinning.
Fuck! I scream in my head. He’s seriously going to go there.
“You can take on three mornings this week to clean the bar... you’ll need to be there at 6:00am. It won’t be paid though, and you’ll still have your own shifts to do. Clarence has some time up his sleeve for a paid break; and he’s not getting any younger, so I’ll give him a few days off.” He explains.
I’m breathing deeply and agree to his proposal, since he’s just helped me move loads of stuff out of storage 350 kilometres away, to my new place; and he’s promised me every weekday shift and any big event on the weekends for the foreseeable future; and he didn’t ask me to suck his cock!
***
“So what do you think?” I ask Silas as he’s staring at his room. It’s full of his old stuff, but it isn’t his old room. The size is smaller, about three quarters of the size; and he’s still in shock at the fact that he’s not returning to Armidale, where all his mates are.
“Whatever... just show me to the Xbox.” He says unenthusiastically, turning on his crutches carefully and proceeding to walk gingerly through his door and past me.
I know he’s been through a lot, and he’s about to start high school only months after having an accident that nearly killed him, and in all truth, I’d like him to be taking time off and lounging around, so I set him up in front of the Xbox.
I’m ignoring the burning feeling of his disappointment that is eating a hole through my chest. I’ve worked hard to get him here. He doesn’t know that, and I don’t want to burden him with the knowledge. He’s had enough to deal with. But it still hurts and my chest still burns with the fact that I need to release tears.
Silas is like me in many ways, but he doesn’t look like me. He has my green eyes, which we both get from our father, but he has brownish, rusty coloured hair. His face and what will undoubtedly be his build, is all Dad. I look like my Aunt Sharla, my Dad’s sister, who we don’t see anymore because she’s a bit psycho. In fact his parents are both a bit weird, and we don’t have anything to do with them. He never liked us having anything to do with them.
But Silas and I share the same sense of sarcastic humour; the easy banter that is all Mum’s quirkiness and then there’s our athletics.
I am a state athlete for high jump; yeah I know, why aren’t I at the Institute of Sport? Why aren’t I aiming for higher? Probably because I haven’t got the drive to make it my life... and the coach I would’ve been attached to was a total dick!
Silas is all swimming; he was zone... district... state... definitely had the ability to go further. This is a bit of a kick in the gut; now he’ll never be as good as he would’ve been; despite the fact that the orthopaedic surgeon has told me he’ll resume all normal functioning after a time
***
I’m lying in the darkness, listening to the last call I got from my mother; the one I missed that night I was with Graeme, and then Tim. I’m such a slut!
“Honey, we’ll be leaving early in the morning; Silas is coming with us, because Gran is feeling a bit tired today. We’ll be reaching campus around 10. I love you sweetie... I miss you! See you tomorrow.” She says before hanging up.
My heart crashes through the back of my chest, and the cavity that is my stomach churns with distress.
“I... m-m-miss... you... too!” I whisper into the darkness; choking on my tears and drowning in my despair.
I’m getting better at pretending in the daylight... around everyone else. I hold it together pretty well, but at night when the darkness surrounds me, when I’m in bed and the gravity of the situation is closing in and engulfing me like black tar; sucking the oxygen out of my body and leaving me gasping for breath... I struggle!
***
“Aaargh!” Silas’ blood curdling screams tear through to my room... it’s the middle of the God damn night.
I’m out of bed and running before my mind even registers what my body is instinctually doing.
I’m jumping on his bed and throwing my arms around him.
“Why couldn’t you let me die too?” He cries, “I’m not here! I’m not... I can’t... please kill me!” He pleads painfully.
“I love you! I love you, and I can’t imagine life without you too!” I cry.
He’s crying too, and holding me fiercely.
“Why couldn’t you just let me die?” he croaks, his body shuddering.
“Because I can’t and I won’t!” I explain.
...March...
“I fucking hate you!” Silas screams and slams the door in my face.
“Well I love you!” I scream right back.
“No you fucking don’t... you wish I would’ve died... I wish I would’ve died... I fucking hate this place!” he shouts through his door.
“No... I don’t hate you Silas... you’re wrong!” I reply loudly.
He viciously pulls the door open and looks up at me, “No you don’t! You hate me... don’t lie!” He screams up at me.
“I promise you, I don’t hate you!” I say to his face, “I love you!” I repeat, as once again he slams the door in my face.
“Fucking liar! You’re a fucking liar and I just want to kill myself!” he shouts.
I walk back to the lounge area, where the fight started... cleaning up as I go.
“I do love you,” I mutter quietly; “But I despise you too!” I admit to myself.
The television is off, because I turned it off and told Silas it was time for bed. This is the reason
for him going ape-shit with me. After pointing out I am not his mother, and then me pointing back that I’m still in charge; the whole night went to shit.
I really hadn’t expected it to be so hard to do this. But we’re family, and blood’s blood. I’m exhausted, run down and bewildered. I’m about to turn 20 and I feel like I’m 40 instead. This bullshit is my life now... eggshells cover every surface I navigate at home. At least he goes to school every day! And I get to deal with Joe public in the bar I work in, which is actually a good distraction to my personal hell that is in fact my reality.
Rachel, Sandy and Gwen sometimes stop by, but Silas is a bit too much to handle when they’re there. He acts all tough and rude. So they tend to just pop over to my work when they can, and sit at the bar while I work. They regale me of all the gossip and it gives me both entertainment and heartburn.
I admit to feeling an intense amount of jealousy regarding the differences in our lives.
I’m up early doing laundry, vacuuming and cleaning my house. I’m also making lunches, dinner and trying to keep a volatile young man in line.
They’re studying things I find interesting, going out and partying... and getting laid!
I fucking hope this is all worth it in the end!
...July...
“I’m cold; can I climb in with you?” Silas asks from my bedroom door.
“Okay, bring your quilt in too.” I say. It is cold, and we’ve been putting off using the heating because of the expense.
Silas comes back in dragging his quilt. He’s piloting his way through the house now without any crutches, and although he’s not running around, he’s doing really well. His physiotherapist has had him swimming laps to build up his strength, and he loves the return to the pool; I wasn’t enjoying the expense of taking him every day, so I bought us season tickets, and now I swim too, every day after work.
Silas settles himself in and turns to give me one of his bone crushing hugs.
“I love you Jade.” He says.
“I love you too, Silas.” I reply; it’s moments like these that make this bullshit worthwhile.
...August...
“Happy Birthday! You’re officially a teenager!” I enthuse, jumping on Silas’ bed and giving him a big hug by lying on top of him. I’ve let him sleep in; it’s mid morning already, and it’s August 17, and Silas is turning 13. It’s a school day, but I’m taking the day off to take him out.
“What’s happy about it?” he murmurs. It’s one of those moments, when you’re caught in between being super happy and incredibly miserable. I’m happy that he’s having a birthday; but it’s the first birthday where Mum isn’t baking a cake for him... when Dad isn’t taking him fishing in the freezing Armidale conditions... when I’ve had to give him less than what he’d normally have because I just can’t afford the things that my parents could.
The inheritance is pretty substantial. The house is sold and my parents had some decent savings and life insurance; but unfortunately for us, it said in their Wills that although the money is split equally after their assets are liquidated (bar the furniture and contents of course); we are not allowed to access it till we are 25. So the money sits in trust gathering interest, while I work my arse off to give Silas whatever I can.
I’m sure my parents couldn’t foresee what this would mean, because they wouldn’t have thought they’d die before we were well into adulthood, but the inconvenience of it is debilitating. I guess they thought that until we were 25, we might waste our inheritance. I just wish they could’ve reasoned that their parents wouldn’t take over our care, and see that I was responsible enough to do the right thing.
“Well, I’m going to take you to lunch, and then we’ll go and do anything you want! Do you want to go to Sydney and see a movie at the IMAX? Tomorrow’s Saturday; so we can stay out as long as you want!” I reason.
He shrugs noncommittally; I take it as a yes, and I’m glad that at least he isn’t shouting at me and pushing me away like he frequently does. It makes the prospects for today as it stands... possibly good!
...December...
I’ve decided to forgive my grandparents, and because of this, they’ve taken the hint and acquiesced to take Silas for ten days over my busiest work period for the year; he’ll be gone during the Christmas and New Year season. I travelled with him up on the XPT train service to Armidale, and now I’m returning home so I can get back to work. The ride back is boring, and I’m sitting next to some smelly homeless looking dude who is determined to strike up freaky conversation. I try hard to keep up and remain friendly, but by the time I get back into Broadmeadow station, I’m desperate for fresh air and no conversation!
***
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m at work. The bar is absolutely pumping, and I’ve enjoyed the last two days of living alone. Today I finally settled into a Jade only routine, and I’m significantly grateful for having forgiven my grandparents. I’m even considering taking someone home so I can get some of my frustrated angst out.
Rachel and Sandy have finished their degrees, and they’re here to party; staying at my house tonight and going home tomorrow for their families’ Christmases. I could’ve joined either one of them... I was invited; but I’m working. I need every shift during this season, to get ahead of my bills. I’m returning to uni next year to do part-time, one subject a semester. It will take me three years to complete my final year, but it will mean I can continue to look after Silas and drop maybe only one shift a week.
“Jade? Your phone has been calling nonstop out back.” Simon says when he returns from break.
“Shit... can’t be good... it’s 11 o’clock at night!” I lament. “I’ll take my break now that your back and see what’s going on!” I sigh.
Nine missed calls from my grandparent’s number. I dial...
“Hello?” my grandfather answers.
“Pa?” I respond.
“Oh, honey... look, we really tried, but we just can’t do this. We really have to give Silas back. He’s too much for your grandmother. She’s crying all the time and threatening to leave.” He explains.
“I can’t leave here Pa! I’m working this entire period!” I try to reason.
“We’ll be there in the morning to drop him off then. I’m sorry honey... you know your Gran. She’s not cut out for this behaviour crap.” He argues.
“And I am?” I reply snidely.
“You do a marvellous job sweetie. If Silas was more like you, there wouldn’t be a problem!” He states.
I’m gobsmacked, I’m so angry right now with that statement and all it implies, that I’m just going to demand he drives Silas home right now.
“Leave with him now Pa... I want him home in the morning to wake up for Christmas day with me.” I growl.
“It’s a long drive honey... I’m tired.” He argues back.
“I don’t care Geoff.” I respond, using my grandfather’s real name. “Get Uncle Dave to share the driving. I’ll see you in four hours!” I seethe.
“Okay!” he sheepishly agrees.
I just can’t fucking believe it! He didn’t even change his mind through guilt; he didn’t even give me one... more... day! I can’t even have a little break! I can’t even rely on anyone in this God damn world!
I hang up and scream!
Chapter Three: The Second Year
...November...
“I’m so glad that’s over!” I lament and sigh at Warren as we go over the kegs and clear the lines before the start of the day.
“So, do you think you did alright in your exam?” he asks, concentrating on the VB line.
“Yeah... it’s much easier to do one subject at a time, so marks wise, I’ll be killing it!” I explain, thinking about how I’ve only got two more years of this shit, and then I’ll be earning proper money; at least, proper money for me.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good. Sure, Silas and I have found a rhythm; he’s going to school, even if it is begrudgingly, and I go to wo
rk. We swim every day; he argues he doesn’t need his medications, and I give them to him anyway and he takes them with a few choice words. We settle in every night to play Xbox or watch television; and since we like watching the same shows on Foxtel, there isn’t any argument over the remote.
But Silas is like a ticking time bomb; I’m waiting for him to erupt, because he’s so coiled he needs to.
At 14, he’s catching up to me in height. He’s in year 8 at school, and his teachers generally like him; especially his tech teachers. He’s well on the way to being a tradesman in the areas of wood or metal.
Funnily enough, as I’m thinking of Silas, the phone rings, and sure enough...
“Brontie’s Tavern!” Warren answers, and then is momentarily silent.
“Yes, she’s here... can I ask who’s calling?” He uses his authority tone.
Covering up the phone with his hand he tells me...
“The high school... Mr Pearson.” He winces.
Warren has teenage daughters that go to the same school. He knows Mr Pearson is the principal. I take the phone and place it to my ear.
“Hello?” I fake enthuse.
“Miss Tayte.” He begins, “We have a situation here at the school. I need you to come down and collect Silas.” He says.
“Oh... okay. What happened?” I ask.
“We’ll talk when you get here... he’s waiting in the office with me.” He explains.
“I’ll be right there.” I sigh and hang up.
I go to say something to Warren, but he beats me to it.
“Just go get your brother and then come back after you settle him in.” He says.
“Thanks.” I reply meekly.
***
“What happened?” I ask, sitting down in the chair Mr Pearson indicates to me, in his massive office overlooking the beautiful tree-lined street. Silas sits to the side; his head is in his hands, and he’s not looking at me.
