by Shey Stahl
Before we left, I ran over to your house to say goodbye to you and Ivey. The thought of leaving that summer was upsetting. For the first time I could remember, I hadn’t spent the summer trying to find my place in the Kaden family. Instead, I found my place among your friends. With you and Ivey. Through the weeks that I was there, I spent every day on that dock with you two, and now that I was leaving, the thought that I wouldn’t have you right next door was depressing. What if it wasn’t the same next summer? Was my chance at having friends just a fluke for the summer?
When I got to the front door, you guys were already on the porch, dressed in your swim shorts and ready for the day on the lake. Jesser was taking you guys over to Sunset Cove, a place I had been dying to go all summer. That put me in a crabby mood because my dad wouldn’t let me go.
Ivey came by and wrapped her scrawny arms around my neck. She smelled like coconut and peppermint lip-gloss. “Here’s my number.” She handed me a folded note. “Call me or text me so we can keep in touch this year. My mom restricts my minutes, but you can text me whenever.”
Stuffing the note in the front of my jean shorts, I promised to call and found her bright blues smiling back at me.
“I had a lot of fun.”
“Me too.”
I saw you approaching me, goofy smile an all.
“See ya next year,” you said, like you were so cool. I nodded, trying to appear cool myself, turning around to Shanna and Stephanie getting in the van as they argued with each other. Shanna shot you a glare and then flipped her attention back to Stephanie.
You watched them for a minute, but then looked at me, briefly, a stabbing glance only I saw.
Zipping up your hoodie, you smiled and then held up your hand and gave me high-five.
I wasn’t sure if I would see you next year. What if my Aunt Megs sold the house, or worse, my parents wouldn’t let me come back? All those thoughts had me wondering what the year would hold for me.
And as the heat from August and September cooled into October, and the rain started, I found myself missing that lake. And you.
2003
Fall brought with it the days I’d been dreading. School. Which brought early rises and early bedtimes, homework, popularity, and friends that never seemed to be true.
Boys were obnoxious in eighth grade. The only difference between seventh and eighth seemed to be the boys. I wasn’t sure what happened to them over the summer, but they were different, by sight and sound. They were filling out, their laughter was deeper, but their ways seemed childish, even to someone as young as I was.
Junior high was different from grade school in many ways. Popularity seemed more important—a status that defined my reputation and for the most part, my future in school. Teachers always eyed me as though waiting to see which Kaden sister I would follow. Little did they know, I didn’t intend on following any of them.
The first few weeks were okay. I still had the cast on, so there wasn’t much I could do, but once the cast was off, I got more involved with sports again. I loved fast pitch; it was my thing and kept me busy. Unfortunately, I thought of you and Ivey often, wondering if you were enjoying baseball, and if your season had started. I kept an eye on the schedule to see when your games were and if you won or lost. Not that I would have even been allowed to go to a game, but I did want to know.
For the most part, I had friends in school, but they were all different from you and Ivey. I had one friend, Wyatt Dedrich. He played baseball so when fast pitch started that spring I saw him around school more.
Wyatt was popular at our school. The girls thought he was hot, and the fact that he was a short stop made him even cooler. And I’d have to agree with the girls, he was cool, but he wasn’t you. No, he could never be you.
Thinking of you so often made me wonder if we would return to the lake. I was hopeful when I learned Aunt Megs had found a job and was making a life for herself out there.
The day my mom said we were going back, I sent you a text message. It was the first contact I had with you, personally, since we left the lake. Part of me even wondered if you remembered putting your number in my phone, and the other part thought I probably seemed pathetic texting someone who was nearly three years older than me. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I should send it. Eventually I did and then tucked my phone away and went to practice.
Looks like I’m coming back to the lake this summer. – Sophie
It took an entire day, but I finally got a response when I least expected it.
Cool. See ya in June. – Bensen
From then on, it became a counting game—counting down the days until I would see my friends again. They were very long days.
Ivey asked that I come for spring break, and I brought the idea up to my parents, but it was an immediate no.
I was so mad they said no, I locked myself in my room for two days and refused to eat. Eventually though, I needed food and came out of my cave, but not before I slammed a few doors, accidentally on purpose broke a plate, and told Sadie her prom dress made her ass look like it swallowed her thighs.
I was pissed.
I felt like I was in this bubble where I never got what I wanted. I know now, though, I wasn’t exactly seeing it from their eyes.
2004
The year started off simple; I had just turned fourteen. Janet Jackson had bared her breast on TV. Ivey sent me a text saying she was incredibly jealous she had them and asked my bra size.
The average cost of gas was $2.10. The Patriots won the Super Bowl and my dad won three hundred bucks as a result. The final episode of Friends arrived. I watched it probably a hundred times and cried every time.
Ray Charles died. Martha Stewart went to prison … to bake, I assumed. I saw Friday Night Lights in the theater four times with Sadie. I downloaded Usher’s new CD and made Ivey a copy and mailed it to her. She squealed in delight, and the following week I got a package from you with the new Kenny Chesney CD.
I sent you a text: Thanks! I actually liked the music!
You responded that night: You’re welcome, pretty girl. Thanks for The White Stripes CD, too. Listened to it at practice.
Our texts continued, as did our friendship. Eventually I got to the point where I honestly thought summer would never arrive, but eventually it did, and we were headed to the lake. This summer it was only Mom, Stephanie, Sadie, and I. Sara and Shanna were both either at college or running wild, who really knew.
My dad stayed back in Savannah to finish up a few jobs and said he’d be out in a week. My mom, annoyed with him over something she refused to tell us about, felt the need to leave a week early.
“Are you guys fighting?” I asked her on the way there, attempting to get her talking.
“When are they not fighting?” Stephanie asked, her condescending tone earning her a glare from my mom. I used to think Stephanie was like Shanna in a lot of ways—you know, the good child—but lately she’d taken a different turn and was becoming a pain in everyone’s ass with her snide comments and snotty attitude. My mom said it was because she was eighteen now and upset that her high school boyfriend of three years dumped her when he left for college. Apparently this meant she would be nasty to everyone.
I, on the other hand, didn’t like it when Mom was upset. With my attention mostly on her, I shuffled a few playlists and made more for the drive. I added some Tim McGraw and a few others I thought you’d like, but my choices were still mostly OutKast and The White Stripes. They were my comfort music, a place where I went when I wanted to feel me, be me, and live my life as me.
My mom sighed, her right hand slipping from the steering wheel onto my knee. “Your daddy is a tough man to get along with, sweetie. Sometimes I just need some space. That’s all.”
That I could understand. They had their differences, and I knew they loved each other, but I also knew that financially putting Shanna through college and constantly bailing Sara out of her bad decisions had been hard on them.
&
nbsp; Conversation was left at that, and I decided if she wasn’t worried about it, then I wouldn’t either. After all, with my dad not around, I might have been allowed more freedom. And I was right.
When we first arrived, naturally, you and Ivey were already on the lake, messing around on the jet skis.
“You wanna go for a ride?” you asked, standing up so that your chest and incredibly toned stomach could be seen. You had definitely grown up. It took everything I had not to gawk at you.
“What?”
“Take a ride with me!” you said, a grin present in your tone, yelling a little louder so your voice carried over the high-pitched scream of Grayden’s jet ski.
Ivey screamed her hello, waving her arms frantically, before cupping her new breasts to show me she finally filled out that Ed Hardy bathing suit.
As I gave Ivey thumbs up, my bag fell to my feet. Stephanie and Sadie had disappeared inside to see Aunt Megs when I wandered down the short path through the trees to the dock.
Once I got close enough to the dock, you hollered, “Come on!”
I didn’t have much of a choice. Or at least in my mind I didn’t. You were asking me to ride with you. Stepping forward, barefoot, the planks burned my feet, steaming as the water splashed up. The sun was glaring in my eyes, and I had to squint to see, but there you were, waiting.
You helped me on, removed your life vest and put it on me, then told me to hang on. “Do you trust me?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that but went with my gut. “No.”
“Good. You shouldn’t.”
There was a deeper meaning behind those words.
As you turned the key, I held on as tightly as I could. Other than last summer when Ivey and I took the jet skis for a spin when you and your boys were at practice, this was my first real ride on one.
Pressed against your back, my hands splayed against your stomach, your chest heaved as you maneuvered the machine, stomach muscles flexing as you did so. Streaks of water flew past, traveling at impossible speeds, my legs wrapped a little tighter when I started bouncing around.
“You hangin’ on back there?” you yelled over your shoulder, shaking away the spray of water Grayden jetted up at us.
There was no way you could possibly hear me so I squeezed you a little tighter, my answer.
I heard you laugh, which should have been my warning. You started throwing the jet ski from side to side, trying to throw me off. Ivey and Grayden came by, Brady on the back, laughing.
This, the excitement, the thrill, the belonging, it’s what I waited all fall, winter, and spring for.
And then I was dumped off as you floated some twenty feet away, laughing. “I thought you were hangin’ on, pretty girl?”
Ivey came by, offering her hand. I took it, glaring your direction. “Your brother is a butthead.”
Ivey rolled her eyes. “Took you long enough to figure that one out.”
I hadn’t been there more than an hour and it was already the best summer ever because there was no awkwardness. We left friends and we stayed friends. So many times I remembered leaving school for the summer and then on that first day of school the following year, I had to spend most of the day wondering who would still be my friend. Was I cool enough for them? Had I changed so much I was no longer allowed to associate with them? Too often that happened to me. I never had more than a handful of friends longer than a year. The rest came and went just as the days past.
Not you and Ivey though.
My attention was drawn back to the water, the sun beginning to set and finally some relief from the blazing heat, the sky streaked in chalky colors. Your mom called out to us, said dinner was ready, so we went back up to your place. From behind, I watched you walk ahead of Ivey and me, your towel wrapped around your shoulders as you talked baseball with Grayden. Apparently he made the team that year and wanted your help with techniques.
At first glance it was easy to see you had gotten taller, leaner, and your voice was deeper. It still had the rasp to it that I remembered, and you carried yourself a little different, higher, stronger, and older for your age. Ivey teased that you were stuck in the body of an old man. I could definitely see that.
When I looked closer, your blues were the same, and your hair was a little longer, hanging in your eyes and over your ears.
Thinking about you made my heart start to thump and my skin itch, making it an effort to breathe normally. Why did you have that effect on me?
Oh right, because you were awesome like that, or so you liked to remind me.
When we were done eating, and I thought for sure my mom would be looking for me, my attention was shifted to the sky getting darker, the moon high and lighting the grass we were all sitting on. When the first few stars blinked in the sky, you stood and smiled down at me, offering your hand to help me up. “Nice to see you again,” you whispered softly in my ear. Walking past me before I could say anything, you headed toward your boys.
They waved, and I rolled my eyes, turning to Ivey. The summer breeze washed over me, and my hair blew, tangling around my eyes and dancing in the warm air.
“Can you stay over at my house?” Her face lit up with excitement.
“Only if I can try your bras on.” Once again, she cupped her newly developed chest. Ivey laughed and shook her head, an easy, bright grin settling over her. “I have boobs now!”
Ivey spent the night with me that night. We slept outside on the covered deck in sleeping bags and talked until the sun started to rise and the birds came alive. Though we’d kept in touch over the year, there was something about having your friend back. She told me that you’d been in some trouble throughout the year and got kicked off the baseball team for a week when you refused to listen to the coach. You hated taking orders from anyone, and the fact that you were playing on an organized sports team said a lot to Ivey.
She said you ended up playing ball that year, which I knew from the website, and ended up on varsity again.
Ivey talked a lot about you and Hadley, too, which was always interesting to me. Apparently you guys had sex, or at least your mom thought so and was constantly hounding you about “keeping it covered” as Ivey put it.
“Have you ever done it?” Ivey asked me, her eyes on the rising sun with a yawn every few seconds.
“No. I’ve never had a boyfriend.”
“You haven’t?” She honestly sounded surprised, but I guessed most girls my age probably had boyfriends already. Not me. And it wasn’t that I hadn’t wanted one, it was just that most boys were into my sisters. Sure, in the beginning they had shown some interest, but once they found out about Sadie or Stephanie—their attention was diverted.
“Have you?”
“I’ve had boyfriends and kissed a few, but I haven’t done anything else.” Ivey seemed less than interested in the subject, as if she’d thought about it, but it wasn’t really something she was into. I liked that about her because I felt the same way. There were girls at school who would say things like, “He went down on me.” To me, we were too young for that. And the idea of putting a boy’s penis in my mouth was just repulsive. I mean, he peed from there. How was that sexy?
“What about your sisters?” Ivey was curious about them because she had brothers. I also thought that was what made us such good friends. We had very different upbringings.
“I’m pretty sure all of them have had sex before. Well, maybe not Sadie, but I know Stephanie has.” I spoke softly into the dark, reminded of how easy it was for Stephanie to get guys. “Saw her doing it with her boyfriend in our pool. Haven’t been in it since.”
Ivey laughed, rolling onto her back, covering her mouth just the same as you did when you thought something was funny but wanted to hide it. “My mom once caught Bensen with a girl in the garden shed.”
“Were they …” My embarrassment got the better of me, along with a case of the giggles.
“No, I don’t think so … but she had her hand down his pants.” Ivey took a strand of h
er pretty hair and looped it around her finger. This time we rolled, lying on our sides to stare at each other. She was smiling, and I could feel the lightness of her words and our comfort with one another. “He’s dirty like that.”
We laughed for a moment and then I asked, “Do girls at your school talk about it a lot.”
“Girls like Hadley do. She’s the same age as Bensen. They’ve gone to school together since pre-school, but she just uses him. He’s really good at baseball, and I think she thinks he’s her ticket out of Georgia, but he’ll never play professionally.”
“Why?”
“He’s a loser, that’s why.” I gave her a funny face. “I’m sure he’s probably good enough, but he doesn’t like to be told what to do. Ever. His attitude ruins it for him.”
The more I got to know you, the more that became true.
“Do you like my brother?” she asked, hiding her smile with another yawn. The birds were chirping now, but our eyes were just about closed. Turning over onto my stomach, I watched the last remaining stars blow out.
“He’s nice, but not in a boyfriend kind of way.”
I wasn’t sure if I was like any other fourteen-year-old girl, but when I thought about being with you, in ways Hadley had, the thought was both glorifying and horrifying. My face would get hot and my legs would tingle. It was everything I could do not to itch my skin. When I got freaked out, I itched. Everywhere. It could be really annoying.
So thinking about you in that way was a rush, to say the least. Then reality would hit. That was never going to happen for a girl like me. That kind of thing happened to girls like Hadley or my sisters.
You being with Hadley made sense. The two of you had this movie star quality. Honestly, I hoped that if you did get married and have babies with her, that they turned out ugly. Nothing against the kid, I just hoped that.
I loved that time I shared with Ivey, sharing secrets before the sun came up, loving the sparkle in her eyes and the way she got me. Just like you. When I was around you, I didn’t have to try to be anything else. It was just something that was comfortable.
