by Shey Stahl
“And what would you know asshat?” Ivey took a handful of her popcorn and tossed it back at him.
“More than you,” Grayden teased. This time he got up, moving down the wooden bleachers two feet to get out of her swinging range. “All you’re doin’ is watching Austin.”
Ivey looked like she was going to cry, and I felt bad for her, but that was Grayden, fueling any fire where he could get a spark. Throwing her hair up in a messy bun, she took off after Grayden around the dugouts and down toward right field along the fence line. You saw it as you walked to the dugout, shaking your head in amusement at your cousin and sister wrestling around in the grass.
Hadley giggled when you came up to bat. When you heard the whistles, you looked up, only your eyes found mine instead. You trapped me in your gaze, and I took a deep breath, swallowing the thick air.
I thought about you with Hadley more than I wanted. I imagined the two of you together and what you were doing. I even imagined myself as Hadley, in your arms, feeling the heavy weight of your stare and the heat of your breath.
In my crazy mind, that was easier than ever imagining what it must feel like to have you hold my hand the way you held hers or the way you put your arm around her. I wondered what your kiss felt like to her. Was it warm, soft, careful, or sinful?
I hated that Hadley was there, but what could I do? This was your town, your friends, your life. I was just the summer girl, and at best, just a friend. So I sucked it up, held my tongue, and smiled back at you.
Never missing a beat, you tapped the fence with the bat as you walked by, my eyes drawn to long, gray-clad legs and black cleats. With my arms resting on my knees, I rubbed my chin against my cotton so-soft hoodie when the crisp spring night tickled my goosebumped skin. Staring in the distance, it was you who held my attention as I watched you square up for the pitch, the heckling of the opposing team.
The contact you made with the ball caught me off guard, and my gaze was quickly shifted into deep right field.
You rounded second when they finally reached the ball. By the time the throw landed at home plate, you were sliding in. The umpire called you out, and your temper flared. Much of the game went on like that. One of your teammates, the right fielder, ended up getting thrown out, which surprised the hell out of me. I thought for sure it would have been you.
Hadley jumped to her feet, along with her two friends, elbow-locked and enthusiastic over your triple. It took her a good five minutes to realize you had actually gotten tagged out.
She had an easy smile, arresting bright blue eyes and flowing dark hair. It wasn’t her physical appearance that made her attractive. It was her confidence, shoulders back, chin raised, she stood tall and beautiful, knowing she had what most wanted. Teenage confidence. Having been an only child, she’d never competed for attention from anyone, you included. From pre-school to high school, she’d had your eyes and words, until you turned fifteen—from what Ivey had told me. And though she didn’t know what changed between you two, something had.
The game ended on a two-to-one win for your team. While you celebrated near the dugout, I leaned back again and looked down at Hadley through my lashes as she stood and walked over to you. It was then I realized that though you were never going to belong to any girl; you still had a place in your heart for Hadley.
I felt it when your arm wrapped around her shoulders, and your face pressed to the side of her neck. It was a burning sensation in my chest and the fast breath from shiver-shaking lips.
I was feeling something for you.
Ivey and I talked for about ten minutes after your game, you with your boys, me huddled up in my hoodie, breathing hot breaths into my sleeves. When my mom pulled up, you jogged to catch up with me before my hand found the door handle. “Sophie!” you called out, your baseball cleats clicking against the pavement, a cherry red sucker between your lips.
Ivey rolled her eyes. “See you in a few months, right?”
I nodded and hugged her tightly, whispering I’d call her tomorrow. Those days we talked so often it never felt like summer was far away.
I had some things I wanted to say to you, but my stomach was hard, clamping my words with it.
We talked for half a minute, and I blurted out what I so desperately wanted to know. It was the words I’d typed out so many times but never sent.
“Do you regret it?” There was a tightness in my chest I didn’t understand as the words spilled from my lips. Biting the inside of my cheek, blood pooled in my mouth. I had to force myself to stay calm and not act my age.
You smiled, and my breath caught, as always because you had that way about you. It was the warmer smile you had, the one that lit your eyes and drew me in. The sucker stick poked out from the corner of your mouth, and your hands were buried in the pockets of your hoodie, all flushed cheeks and playful. You smiled, shaking your head, moving your palm gently to my cheek. “No, that’s not one of my regrets.”
You watched my face closely, and I was sure you could feel my desperation. Your smile was contagious, your mood infectious to those around you, including me.
I could feel it then—that feeling that wouldn’t go away. It was the one spiraling inside me, coiling tighter around my heart, hating that you could make me feel so special one moment, and then you knew exactly when to take it back and show me who you really were.
You had a look in your eyes that I had never seen and couldn’t identify. It made me want to trust you. Trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.
You looked down at my hand, your thumb brushing across my skin. Such a simple gesture but I felt it more than just in my hand.
June 2005
It was the last day of school, and I couldn’t have been more excited. I bounced through the halls, waiting for Aunt Megs to pick me up at the house for my first summer alone. The last bell rang and the hallways of Savannah High School were filled with students trying to get last minute signatures in their yearbooks. Not me. I cared about none of that. What I cared for was summertime. All day lying by the dock, slow cooked Southern food and sweet tea. Long, hot nights and sun-kissed skin that made me never want to leave that lake. Sunburns and sleeping until noon, cruising the back roads to the bonfires on the lake in a lowered ‘56 Ford. That was what I lived for.
My parents were officially separated by June. The civility that surrounded their pending divorce left me with little doubt that they were still in love, but just couldn’t make it work anymore. In all fairness, they did love each other, but I knew the long hours and distant souls had created what they never thought would happen when they said those sacred vows. Separate lives. A place where when they were together, they were never really together.
With the separation came freedom for us girls.
Shanna had moved to Jacksonville with a guy named Javier, and Sara was now living in Atlanta with a few friends, working on starting her own business.
Stephanie had just graduated high school and was occupied with friends and college, where Sadie was with Dad for a few weeks, driving him batshit crazy I was sure.
Then there was me. Little Sophie heading to Aunt Megs’s for the summer. By myself. You couldn’t wipe the grin off my face and neither could R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion.”
I hated the song, but it was catchy as hell.
When I got to the lake that night it was late, so late that no one was up, and every light in your house was off. I figured I’d just see everyone in the morning and went to bed. Part of me was disappointed I had finally arrived and my friends were asleep.
I tried hard not to think about you. I went about my days at home trying to focus on anything but you. Only now, I was here again, just a few hundred feet from you.
I had just gotten to sleep when I heard a pinging at the window. Rolling to the side, I tried to ignore the voice, only then it came louder. “Sophie, sweet, salty Sophie … wake up!” It was a whisper and then a full on yell that I was sure woke Aunt Megs.
I opened my eyes only enough
to see your shadow against the window. “Go away.”
You laughed, and I sat up, hoping my aunt didn’t just hear you come inside my room. After closing my window, you made your way over to my bed. Kneeling beside it, you held a finger over your lips, barefoot, and dressed in only your cargo shorts. “Be quiet. Come with me.” You motioned over your shoulder to the window.
“How did you get in here? Jesus, what a horrible locking system she has in this house.” I nodded to you, indicating I would go anywhere you asked, but whispered, “Where are your clothes?”
“Come with me.” You held out your hand. I took it, slipping from messy sheets into the cool Georgia night lit by only the stars. Handing me your black Raiders hoodie you wore from the game I saw you play, I pulled it to my face, smelling the chest, the night washed over me, but for some reason, in a shirt that was too big and a pair of cotton gym shorts, I felt closer to you.
Within five minutes, we were sitting on the dock, me with a bag of chips and you with beef jerky.
“Is Hadley your girlfriend?” I asked, giving you the bag of chips before you just took them anyhow and taking your beef jerky in return.
“You want my meat, don’t you?” You shook the bag at me.
I backhanded your shoulder with a huffed laughed. “Don’t be gross.” And then I asked again, because I was curious. “So … is she?”
You rolled your eyes, crunching on the salty barbeque chips we mixed with each bite of jerky. “Why would you ask that?”
I shrugged, chewing slowly. “Just seems like she is.”
“And why’s that, Sophie?” You reached between your legs for the water you brought with you, taking a slow drink to avoid me.
“Because she was at your game. I saw you hold her hand.”
You smiled. “I hold your hand. Does that mean you’re my girlfriend?”
“No. But she’s pretty.” Hadley was more than pretty for your average seventeen-year-old girl. Sadie was seventeen, and she was nothing like Hadley. Hadley was stunning. Maybe she tried hard to be that way, but she was, without a doubt, a naturally beautiful person. At least on the outside.
“You’re prettier, Sophie.” You leaned back, resting your head on the dock, closing your eyes. “She’s not my girlfriend. It’s not like that with us.”
“Do you love Hadley?”
It was a few minutes before you answered, and I wasn’t sure you ever were going to. But it was I—the girl you could talk to because I would never be anything more than that—just a girl. “I did. I think. But shit changes.”
“It doesn’t have to. Maybe you’re meant to be with her.”
Your shoulders slumped, and you turned away. “Yeah, whatever you say, Sophie.”
You were good at turning on me when I least expected it. Just when I thought you were going to shut down on me, you came right back and made me see the truth.
My entire life was right there in that moment, staring back at you. You leaned in, slowly, and whispered, “You drive me crazy. Not her. You do.”
I believed you, in an I’m-fifteen-type-of-way, but I did believe you. But I also had no idea what driving you crazy even meant.
“Then why do you kiss her?”
You shrugged, never opening your eyes. I could tell with every question I asked you were closing down a little bit more. “I don’t know. I kiss you sometimes, too.” You let out a bitter chuckle.
I snorted. “We kissed once. Do you do other stuff?” It was like I was interviewing you, and you knew it.
“Tell me Sophie … what’s other stuff? What do you think people do?”
It was my turn to shrug with the bitter laugh. “I don’t know … other stuff.”
“See?” You stood, sounding upset. “You don’t even know what other stuff is. Do you want to know if she sucks my dick? Is that it, Sophie? You shouldn’t ask if you can’t even bare to say the word.”
You had a point. I couldn’t say the word.
“You’re a sweet girl, Sophie. Stay that way.”
“Give me back my chips.” I ripped the bag from your hands, intending on eating them all.
You smiled higher as the mischief lit the blue twinkle in your eyes. You reached to take it from me. Instead, I took off the other direction, down the dock with bare feet, in a giggle-snort-gasp-run, shoving chips in my mouth as I did.
I didn’t make it far before you attacked me, reaching for the bag in tangled limbs and fresh cut grass. We were both laughing; you surrounded me in strong arms and belly laughs over something so simple as a bag of chips.
“You could have the last chip, if you want,” I offered, opening my mouth to crumbs I stuffed in my mouth and then choking on them when I laughed.
“You’re such a tease.” You chuckled, running your hands through your hair before replacing your baseball cap and patting my back.
Then, in a move I never expected, you laid down beside me in the grass, looking up at the sky. Twisting to the side, you brought my back to your chest. “It’s good to see you again.”
My stomach was full of butterflies, my heart racing so fast it seemed it was trying to beat for us both.
I could feel your heart between my shoulders, stomach pressed to my back with your arms wrapped tightly around my middle. I could feel your breath on my neck, through my hair, and it was better than anything. Exactly where I wanted to be.
I didn’t care if you didn’t kiss me, or what you were doing with Hadley. I cared that you were there, right then, sneaking in my window and stealing my chips.
“I missed you,” you whispered, half-lidded eyes that spoke nothing but teasing lies. Because, even for fifteen, I knew enough about you to know where it was heading. “Sun-kissed baby girl.”
It didn’t scare me or feel wrong, or bad, or even dangerous because even if I knew the darker parts, the ones that made my blood run cold and not want to trust you, I felt like I belonged to you. Nothing else made me feel that way … nothing ever came close.
There was a needy ache in the pit of my stomach and heart, one that pulsed and twisted with every beat.
June 2005
I had four older sisters. I knew how the whole menstrual cycle worked. Unfortunately for my dad, they were all on different schedules so it seemed like he never had a break.
And then there was me. I hadn’t started, and I was fifteen. For a while I thought something was wrong with me, but finally, that summer, Aunt Flo came to town.
We were out on Jesser’s boat, you and Ivey were arguing as usual, when I felt a sudden something going on down there.
I had been moody as all get out and sure enough, when I looked down at my light colored bathing suit, my period had arrived. Stupid aunt hadn’t even told me she was coming.
Part of me wanted to shout, “I’m a fucking woman, bitches!” Granted, I didn’t talk like that, but I thought something along those lines.
The other part wanted to shout, “Fuck you, Mother Nature!” because she had ruined my fun for the day. Now all I wanted to do was curl up and hold my tummy while eating chocolate bars.
But the most rational part reached for a towel and kept her mouth shut.
After that, I made something up about not feeling good, and soon we were approaching the dock and getting off the boat.
That was when Grayden asked, “Did you cut your ass, Sophie?”
I wanted to hide in a hole when I realized I had bled through my bikini and left some blood on the white vinyl.
Everyone looked back and Grayden laughed. “You started your period, didn’t you?” He shoved your shoulder playfully as you tied the boat beside him. “Ah man, looks like little Sophie’s fresh bait now.”
Without a second thought, you reached out with one hand and knocked him off the dock into the water.
Ivey wrapped her arm around me. “I started mine two days ago. We’re blood sisters now.” And then she patted her crotch. I had to laugh.
June 2005
We were out in the barn trying to fix the sidin
g where I’d just driven your truck through the side—the result of you trying to teach me to drive when Grayden and Austin kept teasing me, pulling my hair, and hugging me close. “Pretty little girl needs more practice.”
It’d been two hours, and they still couldn’t let it go. We were just about to go back to your house to find Ivey who had gone to the doctor in Atlanta with your mom. She was gonna be back soon, and I wanted to be there with her.
They smelled funny, but then again, they always smelled funny. You stood there, back by your truck with an odd grin plastered across your face. Your hands were in your pockets, your hair messy. As if you were trying to ease my anxiety, you smiled and gave me a wink.
Pushing Grayden and Austin away, I fixed my humidity stricken curls and wrapped them up in a messy bun. “What’s with you guys?”
“Come with us, Sophie,” you said.
Grayden looked at you as if you’d lost your mind. You looked at Grayden as if he was nobody.
“What the fuck is that?” You eyed the hemp bracelet Wyatt gave me after my team won our fast pitch district championship this last year.
I laughed nervously, covering the bracelet with my right hand. “Nothing.”
You were closer now, and the scent I smelled on Grayden was stronger on you.
You smirked, your face close to mine, looking at my lips, my nose, and then my eyes. “You got a boyfriend, sweet Sophie?”
“No.”
“Good. Keep it that way.” Although the bracelet was nothing but a gift from a friend, I couldn’t help the giddiness I felt over your slightly jealous reaction, even if it made me completely pathetic.
“Your eyes are red, and you smell.”
You laughed, your lips suddenly above my ear. “It’s weed.” I breathed in, meeting your eyes, captured by you so deeply I couldn’t move. “Come with us,” you whispered, moving a strand of my hair that fell from my bun.
“Come on dude, let’s go!” Grayden yelled from behind. “Forget her. My dad is gonna be back soon.”
