by Shey Stahl
Picking at my chipped nail polish, Ivey slid off my lap onto the fender beside us. “Do this shot with me.” Wiping the dirt from the bed of the truck on her jeans, she took the bottle of Fireball from Wyatt and poured equal amounts in our red plastic cups.
“Has anyone ever kissed you, Sophie?” Ivey asked, looking at me from across the bed now. “You haven’t been kissed by a boy, have you?” Ivey, who was a lap whore, had suddenly moved to sit on Chase’s lap. He had his arm around her, leaning into her, kissing her neck. The sight made me laugh, because any other time, he wouldn’t be doing that shit if you were around.
None of us would have been doing any of this had you been there.
I wasn’t sure why Ivey asked if I had been kissed before. I thought she knew you kissed me last summer by our conversations at the baseball field the day I went to Alpharetta.
Wyatt looked at me, liquor-glossed eyes, his red cup at his lips, smiling. The way he looked at me made me think he knew I’d been kissed already, but I wasn’t sure. Ours eyes stayed locked for a moment, me still sitting on the tailgate, him on the cooler lid.
With my phone in hand, I sent you a text … and then another. All went unanswered.
I slide my phone inside the pocket of my hoodie. It was then I turned to the shots so graciously poured, one after another, waiting for you to call, but knowing you wouldn’t. You had been with me through so many firsts that it was a little depressing that you weren’t with me then.
I had too much to drink. That was evident. Then we got into playing the standard spin-the-bottle game with that empty bottle of Fireball.
It was a nice distraction outside my own head, the bottle clunking against the rivets and metal. There was a constant draw that tied me to a boy who seemed to make me feel like I would never be enough. I wanted to be present, having fun like I should have been, not distracted over someone who didn’t give me the same consideration.
Wyatt sat next to me on the tailgate now, my legs folded up, hugging them with my drink in hand. Maybe he was trying, I wasn’t sure, but he was handing me another drink as soon as I was done with another. Wyatt was cute, kind of in an adorable way. He got taller lately, more built, and I knew he liked me. Would it have been so bad to like him back?
No, it wouldn’t have. Wyatt was a good guy with his head on his shoulders.
Lenny, another girl I had met at the lake over the years, started first in the game, kissed Ivey, then Ivey kissed Chase and me. Ivey gave me some tongue, and it wasn’t bad. Not that I was into that sort of thing, but she was actually a good kisser.
When I was just about to spin the bottle, I stopped and chugged my drink so fast the truck felt like it was moving. Everyone laughed, and I spun the bottle, boots scraping against the metal, beer bottles tossed around as drinks changed hands.
It landed on Wyatt.
“Oh, shit just got real!” Ivey said beside me, followed by Chase who said, “He’ll kill him if he finds out.”
Chase didn’t mean for anyone to hear that, at least I didn’t think he did. Still, he gave me a warning. I knew very well what he was warning me about, or rather who. You.
I wondered what you would do if you had showed up. Would you be pissed that I wasn’t with you? I wouldn’t have been playing that stupid game. I would have been in your room, with you, alone. I wanted your gentle touch from the other night, and the words that were meant only for me, spoken honestly and passionately, the way you made me feel.
Turning to Wyatt, I smiled, as did he. I didn’t really want to kiss him at all, but you weren’t there.
“You don’t have to,” Wyatt said, giving me an out, or maybe himself, if you were to find out. I looked up at the stars, the same ones we so often watched.
Instead of the response I wanted to give him, I nodded, leaning in. He met me halfway, and our noses touched first, cool from the night, hands fumbling around only to come to rest on our laps as our lips met one another’s. There wasn’t sparks or anything like that, though his warm touch was soft and maybe even inviting, but it was nothing like what I felt with you. It never could be. There seemed to be something behind the kiss—sweet, cinnamon, booze—a feeling I couldn’t shake, and it scared me, so I pulled away.
“That doesn’t even count!” Ivey yelled, booing, straddling Chase’s lap this time. He almost fell off the side, catching himself with a strangled laugh.
Ignoring them, I spun the bottle. And fuck me if it didn’t land on Wyatt again. Only this time, he didn’t give me a chance before he had his lips on mine, pressing me into the side of the truck. Sharp metal poked into my back, my hands catching me from falling backward. The last thing I wanted was for Wyatt to fall on top of me.
Everyone began cheering, knowing this kiss was what spin-the-bottle was about. Wyatt was giving them what they wanted, tasting me, his cinnamon-sweet tongue making me forget about you. Yeah. Hard to believe, huh?
For that moment, you weren’t consuming my thoughts consuming.
I took over. I used my body, straddled him in his chair, and knocked his Sharks baseball cap off, hands in the hair, everything I’d seen in movies played out. Damn it if I wasn’t going to go for it. I fucking hated that I was fifteen years old and waiting on a boy, you, but would never be what you needed … or wanted. So I decided I’d be that for this boy now. I tried to be Shanna and her sureness, and Stephanie and her sexy side.
At this moment, Wyatt was good for me.
He groaned, softly, and I knew the kiss had turned him on, his lips and tongue searching for more. I heard Ivey, barely, in the background. “Little hooker, she was holding out on me.” Everyone silenced, trying to make sense of what we were really doing.
I was into it, that was clear, but he also wasn’t you. That I felt in my bones. I knew in my heart, and it crashed my will. My stomach flipped when Wyatt moved again, his chest pressing to mine. When his hands found my face, I pushed them away.
Then we heard the low rumble of your 460 engine approaching. You were there sooner than I thought, Grayden and Austin close by, laughing, slamming doors and drinks in hand.
Pushing myself back, I put distance between Wyatt and me. He looked confused, and it probably didn’t help that my eyes were now starting to water. I hated that I had kissed another boy. But it wasn’t like you had given me much indication that you weren’t kissing other girls. Why not kiss Wyatt? Was there harm in what I was doing? No. We weren’t defined by anything. And the fact that you were with Hadley proved that. But why?
“What’s going on here?” I heard you ask, your tone serious. And then I saw her, behind you, walking too close. You weren’t holding her hand, but it was clear she was with you. That pissed me off.
You and your boys looked trashed already, and Hadley looked high, swollen red lips and bloodshot eyes. Her long dark hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing your baseball jersey. The same one from your game. The same one you were wearing when we snuck out together. The same one you let me wear two nights ago by the bonfire.
“Sorry we’re late,” you said, moving to the side of the Dodge, near Chase.
Chase bumped your fist; you returned the gesture, glancing up to him briefly, and then our eyes met. I saw your anger in the whites of your knuckles holding the beer in your hand and then anger in your deep blues. All the while I put on a courageous smile, hoping you didn’t see through. Like I should have cared, though, because I couldn’t forget who was behind you, the reason you weren’t here when you said you would be. The reason why it seemed you didn’t want all of me.
My stomach twisted inside and out just thinking her name, like needles and butterflies simultaneously attacking me.
I gave Chase a smile when he gave me high-five, and then my eyes found yours again. You knew. You knew exactly what just happened because with your arrival, everything had gone quiet. Licking your lips, you studied me with predator’s eyes, and I could see you considering your moves and what you’d do next. You knew how bothered I was b
y who was standing behind you, and you played the curve ball to your advantage.
Pressing my lips together, I gave you a glare you understood, closing my eyes. When I opened them, I held your eyes.
You watched me, your temper spiking that I would be here, acting my age, instead of chasing you around. I saw it in your constricted grimace and the narrowed eyes. It was there in the slight shake of your head from left to right and the air changing around us. We could now see our breath as we exhaled, a drastic change from the once humid night. All that said, it felt like there was no oxygen. Not for me anyway.
To my right, Austin was watching Ivey carefully, glaring when she reached for the bottle still rolling around in the bed of the truck, the motion catching your stare.
“That’s so fucking stupid, Ivey,” you said, taking Ivey’s drink from her and smelling it. “What are you, ten? Who plays this shit?” It was a jab at me, I knew that much. “You’re too young for this shit,” you said, raising her cup higher when she jumped for it.
“Get lost Bensen.” She reached up for her drink, but you tossed the remaining liquid over your shoulder.
Austin and Grayden stood back, waiting for you to make the call.
And you did.
“Come on, let’s go.” Your voice was low, steady and just as commanding just as Robbie could be. “Get in the truck.” And though you wouldn’t look at me, subtly ignoring me, you were paying closer attention than I gave you credit for because when I tripped over beer bottles, your hand reached out to steady me in the darkness. “What about me? There’s not enough room for them,” Hadley pointed out.
You turned, looking back at her. Ivey got in your face, pointing at you. “Where the fuck were you three hours ago? Now you show up expecting us to listen?” She was pissed that you were ruining our night, because you did, but more so that you were bossing her around in front of Chase and Austin.
You looked right past her and at Hadley, chuckling in a way that wasn’t amused. “Why would I care how you get home?” With a tip of your head, you gestured back at the truck full of guys where I was still sitting. It was easy to see you were high. I knew that much. “I’m sure one of them will take you.”
Hadley wrenched her hand free from yours and smacked you across the face as hard as she could. It looked like it hurt as you blinked a few times, and we watched your cheek turn pink. You glared at her, your breathing fast.
“That’s not going to help your cause here,” you panted. “These boys listen to me, not some fucking slut who can’t keep her legs closed.”
“You’re an asshole,” she spat and stalked away.
“Says the girl who fucked my cousin the other night.” You didn’t say anything more, or follow, but I could see you, head bowed and your hands in your hair.
My heart was beating so hard, so fast, it felt like if I didn’t get a hold on it, it might stop beating entirely. I felt like I had betrayed you. Because you had reasons that clearly went way beyond anything you had ever told me about the two of you. I knew now why you weren’t with her, and maybe her being here had nothing to do with you and everything to do with Grayden. But you couldn’t blame me for not knowing what the hell was going on. It wasn’t like you were incredibly forthcoming about the situation with Hadley; forget all your other conquests.
There was tension in your stare, your voice, and white knuckles. You turned, facing me, leaving Hadley glaring at you in disbelief. “Did you get your first kiss, Sophie? I bet you did. Was it everything you hoped it’d be? Was it so fucking sweet?”
I hated you so much then, despite the fact that you let it slip why you and Hadley weren’t together. I wanted to punch you in the face and never see you again.
Just as I was jumping down from the tailgate, intending to kick your ass, or at least try to, Ivey puked all over Grayden and Austin who were holding onto her.
Grayden took his shirt off, tossing it in the back of Chase’s truck. He had something to say about that, and they started arguing while Austin held onto Ivey. She called you a bastard, in between dry heaves and said she wouldn’t go with you. She didn’t understand she had no choice in the matter. You’d take us kicking and screaming if you had to.
Wyatt handed me my hoodie I pulled off before the kiss, the rest of the guys barreling from the back of Chase’s truck getting ready to leave.
Wyatt looked at me, and before he could say anything, I pushed him back, positioning myself between you two. “Go with Chase.”
You smiled, and I knew exactly what that meant. Given the chance, you would kick the shit out of him, but I wasn’t going to give you the chance.
“What the fuck are you waiting for?” You pointed to the truck, the party breaking up, your arm shaking from your violent stance. “Get in the fucking truck, Sophie.”
I didn’t say another word. I didn’t want to fight with you. Not tonight.
Just as I was getting in the truck, Wyatt came over. “I can give you a ride if you don’t want to go with him,” he said, looking from me to you and then back at me.
You shoved him back. “Get lost, man.”
“You’re not her dad, man.”
“What was that?”
“I said—” Wyatt tried to step forward, ready for a fight, but you grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him closer against your chest.
Your knuckles were white, your eyes dark under your hat. “She’s falling down drunk because of you. Go home.”
Ivey tried to stand up, intending to get in your face, but instead fell over backward, laughing when her legs went up over her head, and she practically did a summersault.
“Listen to me you little fucker.” You shoved him once more. “I said get lost, and I meant it. Go home.”
No more was said by any of us, and Wyatt gave up.
Ivey puked most of the way back, dry heaving and hanging her head out the window. It was hard to watch and harder to hold my own liquor down.
Not a word was said between us, the noise from Ivey and the hum of your engine filled the space with Grayden and Austin groaning about being puked on.
When we got back to your house, we snuck inside. I peeked a glance at my house, all lights dark, safe and clear. They knew I was staying over, and I was thankful not to have to explain the glossy eyes and slurred words.
Sometimes I felt like it was never enough to give yourself so completely to someone. No, just when they thought they had it all they wanted a little more. As if there’d be just one more little piece to control. That was how I felt around you on nights like that. I felt that no matter what I did, there’d always be this pushing and pulling between us.
At some point I must have fallen asleep in Ivey’s room because when I woke up, your silhouette was in the doorway. “Come with me.” And then you were gone.
Tiptoeing down the hall, I felt the effects of all that alcohol, and I suddenly felt bad for Sara; when she’d gotten alcohol poisoning, I thought it was incredibly funny. The farther down the hall I walked, the more I tried to prepare myself for what you would say when I got in your room.
The TV was on, the door open, and you standing in front of the window. When I shut the door, you said nothing, as if I wasn’t even there.
“Where were you when I called you?”
“Out,” you answered, shrugging. You were wounded, your face sad. I hurt you, but I didn’t care because you hurt me, too.
I sighed, turning away, not bothering to ask you to elaborate. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, and in reality, I already knew, but I had no claim on you. Just as I was about to walk out, you grabbed my waist. “Did you kiss him?”
“Yes,” I replied. Did it hurt you as bad as it hurt me to say? Probably not.
“Why?”
“To know what it was like to kiss someone who wasn’t teasing me.” It felt good to stand up for myself around you.
“You think I tease you?” Your eyes were deep, voice raw, watching my reactions, my reasons swirled in my too-glossy eyes. You saw it. Knew e
xactly the control you had.
“Yes, you do. I’ll never be what Hadley is.”
You pulled me down to my knees. You were sitting on the edge of your bed now with me kneeling in front of you. Your hands shook as they reached my cheeks, eyes red, wavering.
The situation, the dilemmas inside my head made me cry. Whatever this was between us was so fucked up, and it was hard that it just kept going, summer after summer, never ending but never beginning either.
With a frustrated sigh, wanting to get up and leave, my forehead leaned against your knee. “Look at me.”
Unable to control my sobs, I shook my head. You stood and lifted me to my feet before placing me on the center of your bed and covering me with your body. I was so tired, my eyes dry, red, and burning that I could barely keep them open. You kissed me then, an act of possessiveness if you asked me, but you did it anyway, harder than Wyatt did. It was forceful as if you were trying to show me you were the better guy here. Or that you had some ownership of me.
“Do you think I like it when you kiss other guys?” you whispered, pulling back, your eyes finding mine. “Is that who you want, Wyatt? Is he good for you, pretty girl?” Lifting your lips from my neck, you covered my mouth, not waiting for my answer. Your hips started to move, my eyes rolled back.
“You could be with me, you know that?” you mumbled against my lips, so quietly I wasn’t sure I heard anything.
“What?” Arching my back into you, your hands worked up my shirt to palm my breast. Then my shirt was gone, tossed quickly with my bra, and soon after, your shirt with it. Everything was happening so fast it was hard to process or keep up with, like Ivey and her description of an orgasm.
“I don’t want you kissing guys like Wyatt.” You sounded brokenhearted and desperate to tell me everything, but unwilling to give up anything. My age would always shut you down because the fact of the matter was I was fifteen. I would always be two years and eight months younger than you. Always. “Don’t kiss him.” You were above me, and when I saw the glossy edge to your eyes, I started crying again. “Don’t kiss anyone … but me.”
