Odin Blew Up My TV!

by Robert J. Harris

  “I cannot face Ymir without first ensuring the safety of Asgard,” said Odin. “We must discover what has become of the city of the gods.”

  “Mislaying a whole city,” said Dave the Lobster ruefully. “There’s definitely something fishy about that.”

  Greg’s mouth opened wide, as though some brilliant thought had just occurred to him. “Fishy!” he exclaimed. “That’s right, it’s fishy!”

  “Greg, I don’t think this is a good time to be funny,” Susie chided him.

  “Have you conceived a clue to the whereabouts of Asgard, Greg, son of Alan?” Odin enquired.

  “Look,” Greg explained, “if this crystal had turned up in my pocket or something, I’d know about it. Same for Susie. But when this all started, Lewis wasn’t wearing his ring; it was at home.”

  “You’re right,” said Susie.

  “So what you’re saying is…” Lewis began.

  “The crystal was drawn to your ring,” said Greg. “It’s in your room, in your fish tank. Come on, Odin. We live just a few streets from here.”

  They hurried down the hill, headed for Bannock Street.

  Susie suddenly peeled off towards her own house, which was close by in Rivermill Gardens.

  “For heaven’s sake, Spinny, what are you up to now?” demanded Greg.

  “I’m nipping home to fetch my hockey stick,” Susie called over her shoulder. “I’m not going up against a giant unarmed. Don’t worry. I’ll catch up.”

  As soon as they reached the McBride house, Greg raced upstairs to Lewis’ bedroom. Odin, Lewis and Dave followed, heading straight for the fish tank.

  “That’s a first-class pair of Carassius auratus you’ve got there, Elvis,” he said, casting his expert eye over Lewis’ goldfish Ishmael and Ahab.

  “Thanks, Dave,” said Lewis as he peered into the water. Ishmael and Ahab stared back.

  “Yes, I see a rock that wasn’t there before,” said Lewis.

  He rolled up his sleeve and pulled out a crystal with a vein of gold running through its centre.

  Odin’s single grey eye flashed in delight as he took the crystal from Lewis. It immediately started to grow, but Odin fixed a concentrated stare upon it and it shrank back to the size of a tennis ball.

  “Already the golden city strains to restore itself to its former size,” he said, placing it carefully in a pocket of his cloak.

  “So what do we do with it now?” asked Greg.

  “Asgard cannot be restored,” Odin replied gravely, “until the enchantments woven by Loki and Ymir have been undone and your town is transported back to Earth.”

  “We’d better catch up with Loki then,” said Lewis, “before Ymir shows up.”

  As soon as they stepped out into the street Susie came whizzing down the road on roller skates. She pulled up beside them and proudly displayed her ice-hockey stick. “Now I’m ready for anything,” she declared.

  “We shall borrow this iron chariot,” said Odin, walking over to Mr Larkin’s Renault Mégane, which was parked on the street. He threw open the door and sat down behind the wheel with one arm out the window holding his staff. Greg, Dave and Susie piled into the back with the hockey stick laid across their knees.

  “I don’t suppose you have a driving licence?” said Lewis as he settled into the passenger seat beside the king of the gods.

  “I don’t believe so,” said Odin, “but this vehicle will follow my commands regardless.”

  There was a flicker of light from the staff and the engine started up. The car roared off, guided through the streets by Odin’s royal will. The town was still frozen into immobility, the whole population transformed into lifeless statues.

  When they pulled into Market Street there were some familiar faces there to greet them. Kenny and Iona stepped into the road with their hands upraised in warning, prompting Odin to stop the car. Beyond the two police officers, Loki and Sigurda seemed to be having an argument at the base of a huge pillar of ice that was shooting a stream of baleful light into the clouds.

  As they all got out of the car, Kenny said, “I’m afraid this road is closed due to circumstances beyond our control.”

  “Some normal people at last!” Iona greeted them. “Maybe one of you can explain what’s going on here. I’m having a lot of trouble getting my head around it.”

  “Hey, you’re not under Loki’s control any more!” said Susie.

  “I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking,” said Iona, rubbing her brow. “I don’t suppose anybody’s got an aspirin?”

  Odin’s air of authority prompted Kenny to address him as though he were a chief inspector of police. “Sir, according to this gentleman,” he said, indicating Loki, “a giant made of ice is about to emerge from that dimensional portal” – he pointed straight up at the hole in the clouds – “whereupon he will proceed to destroy every living thing in the entire universe.”

  Iona shifted her feet uncomfortably. “Kenny, you’re making it all sound a bit far-fetched.”

  “I’m only reporting what he said,” Kenny insisted.

  “As you can see,” said Loki, strolling over to the newcomers, “I’ve let them have their wits back.”

  “You’ve got some nerve, you creep, sending your bird to kidnap Sigurda,” said Susie, shaking her hockey stick at him.

  “You’ve got me all wrong,” said Loki. “I brought her here to help me.”

  Sigurda came up beside him. “He wishes us to be allies in the coming battle with Ymir,” she said. “He seeks my aid in devising a common strategy.”

  “I’ve got to say, baby,” Loki put in, “your plan that we should die gloriously like the heroes of old isn’t exactly ringing my chimes.”

  “So where are the pet wolves that were supposed to be guarding you?” asked Greg.

  “Those cowards!” said Loki disgustedly. “As soon as they scented what was coming, they took to the hills. Same with Falkior, the big chicken. I tell you, you really find out who your friends are when there’s an evil giant on his way to destroy you.”

  “So that is the shard from Ymir’s heart,” said Odin, fixing a disapproving gaze on the enormous pillar of ice before them.

  “It just grew and grew,” said Loki. “It’s completely out of control and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

  Odin glowered at him. “Your selfish folly has unleashed the wrath of Ymir upon us all.”

  “Oh yeah?” said Loki defiantly. “Well maybe it’s just a little bit your fault too for tossing me into that pit with him. What was I supposed to do? Spend all eternity letting him use me as a yo-yo? I had a chance to get out and I took it.”

  “I hate to admit it,” Lewis murmured to Greg, “but he does have a point.”

  “There is no time for rancour,” said Sigurda. “We must combine our forces for the coming struggle.”

  “Yeah, we can postpone the blame game till later,” Loki agreed. “Assuming there is a later.”

  Suddenly a tremendous boom reverberated through the swirling clouds. Everyone looked up and Lewis’ jaw went slack. A vast hole had opened up in the sky and beyond it they could see a dark, monstrous shape moving.

  “Ymir is here,” said Odin darkly. “The end is nigh.”

  Loki stared upward and swallowed hard. “You’ve got that right.”

  23. SLAP SHOT

  Ymir’s face was like that of an evil moon, harsh and craggy with eyes that smouldered like stirring volcanoes. Lewis couldn’t bear to think how huge the giant must be.

  “The fragment of his own frozen heart has opened a portal for Ymir,” said Odin. “If he is to be stopped, we must neutralise the sorcerous energies of the shard.”

  “I’ll give it another try,” said Loki, hurrying over to the icy pillar and pressing both hands against it. “Come on you stupid lump of nastiness,” he said through gritted teeth. “I command you to stop!”

  When his order had no effect, Loki began slapping the shard in anger and frustration. To his shock, a blister of light sud
denly swelled from the pillar and enveloped him in a shimmering bubble. Loki beat at the spherical prison with his fists as it floated into the air, carrying him up to where Ymir waited.

  “I know he’s a creep,” said Greg, “but we can’t just let that monster swallow him.”

  Lewis was surprised to find that he was also anxious to save the god of mischief. “You’re right,” he agreed. “There has to be some way to shut down the shard.”

  “The power of my staff may yet be great enough to do the deed,” said Odin, striding towards the pillar.

  He drew back his staff and swung, striking a mighty blow. There was a blinding flash and streaks of lightning crackled about him as magical energy flashed through the staff. Like an exploding glacier, the shard shattered under the impact. The detonation knocked Odin off his feet as the broken fragments rained down on the street, black and lifeless as lumps of coal. But the portal did not close up; Ymir’s hideous face still glowered down towards them.

  “Lord Odin!” Sigurda exclaimed, rushing to his side.

  “Fear not,” Odin assured her, rising to his feet. He looked weakened by the effort of destroying the shard and had to lean on his staff to stay upright. “What of Loki?”

  Loki was still imprisoned in the translucent sphere, kicking the sides in panic as it carried him closer and closer to where Ymir was waiting to take his revenge.

  “Look!” cried Susie.

  Something else had appeared in the sky.

  “Rimfaxi!” Sigurda exclaimed.

  The winged horse swooped down towards them, fully recovered from his injuries. He landed beside his mistress and lowered his wings to let her leap onto his back.

  “Upward, my noble steed!” the Valkyrie commanded, grasping a handful of his glistening mane.

  The horse launched himself into the air and Sigurda guided him in a steep climb, up and up, to where Loki was floating towards his doom.

  Ymir’s face loomed over them, his volcanic eyes boiling with hate.

  Sigurda reached the sphere and smashed it with one blow of her sword. As Loki fell, she swooped under to catch him and he flopped face down over the horse’s back.

  Ymir’s monstrous features contorted in anger and his mouth opened like a vast lunar canyon. A blast of poisonous breath poured out to envelop the Valkyrie as she sent the winged horse into a steep dive.

  As soon as his hooves touched the ground Rimfaxi collapsed, desperately sucking clean air into his lungs. Sigurda and Loki dismounted unsteadily and stood coughing while the others gathered around them.

  “Sigurda honey, that was pretty gutsy,” said Loki. “Thanks a bundle.”

  “It was not right that even you should fall into the hands of one so evil,” Sigurda replied stiffly. “Though I doubt you will prove worthy.”

  “You’ve got me wrong, sugar,” said Loki. “When you’ve been trapped in a bottomless pit of nothingness with only an insane ice giant for company, it gives you a whole new perspective on things. I’m a different guy now.”

  “I hate to tell you this,” said Susie, “but it doesn’t show.”

  “Oh no! Look!” said Lewis.

  Ymir had extended a colossal hand through the hole in the sky, and it was descending towards them with horrifying speed.

  Lewis felt a cold terror clutch at his heart. “Won’t the doorway shut now the shard has been destroyed?” he asked.

  “It is too late!” Odin groaned. “The bulk of Ymir’s body is holding the portal open.”

  “It’s like he’s got in the way of a lift door to keep it from closing,” said Dave the Lobster.

  Ymir’s gigantic hand was pressing downward like a vast obsidian mountain.

  “He’s going to crush us like bugs,” Greg gulped.

  Sigurda stared up unflinchingly at the approaching menace, her sword at the ready.

  It seemed to Lewis that normal weapons would be no use against such a colossal enemy, and Odin had drained the power of his staff in destroying the shard. What hope did they have left?

  Suddenly Loki piped up, “Okay, he’s got me mad now.”

  “What are you going to do?” asked Greg. “Call him names? Stick your tongue out at him?”

  “Remember, I come from a race of fire giants,” said Loki. “I’m going to fry him.”

  “I thought your fire powers were long gone?” said Lewis.

  “There’s still a spark, kid,” said Loki, “that even a stint in the frozen dark of Ginnungagap couldn’t snuff out.”

  Odin took a concerned step towards the god of mischief. “Loki, if you draw upon the very depths of your godly nature, you could die as easily as any mortal.”

  “I’m past caring about that, Pops,” said Loki. “Now give me some room.”

  “Loki, as I saved your life, it belongs to me now,” said Sigurda.

  “Honey, when this is done you can cash in that debt whenever you like,” Loki told her.

  Lewis had never seen the god of mischief so determined. He was surprised to hear himself say, “Good luck, Loki.”

  “Stand back, squirt.” Loki waved him away. “This is going to get nasty.” He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists as streamers of fire began to flicker all over his body.

  “Can I ask everyone to please retreat to a safe distance,” said police officer Iona.

  “Yes, this is a matter of public safety,” said Kenny, as though they were keeping people back at a fireworks display on Bonfire Night.

  Everyone pulled back into a wide circle as Loki’s whole body glowed like the inside of a furnace. The town was now covered by the shadow of Ymir’s descending hand and they could feel the air pressure increasing as the giant closed his grip.

  Loki’s face twisted in pain as the fire blossomed within him, burning up his own life force as fuel.

  “Holy smoke!” said Dave the Lobster. “I think Logan is totally blowing his top!”

  “I hate to tell you this, Ymir,” Loki declared in a strangled voice, “but we’re not pals any more!”

  He raised his arms above his head and a torrent of fire blazed upward. The heat drove Lewis and the others even further back as the jet of flame blasted into the open palm of Ymir’s colossal hand, burning a hole that belched steam into the air.

  Ymir drew his hand back with a bellow of pain. Loki kept pouring on the fire until Ymir’s whole arm had withdrawn into the far side of the portal. At that point the fire guttered out and Loki crumpled to the ground.

  Sigurda rushed to his side. “Loki!” she moaned. “What sacrifice have you made?”

  Even Odin bowed his head and wondered aloud, “Is this the end of Loki?”

  Lewis’ stomach sank and he could tell that Greg and Susie felt the same way. For all the trouble he had caused them, none of them had ever wished Loki dead.

  Sigurda went down on one knee and placed a gentle hand on Loki’s chest. For a few seconds everyone held their breath. Then, as if revived by her touch, Loki opened his eyes and sat up with a groan.

  “Whoo!” he exclaimed. “That was a close one!”

  Sigurda helped him to his feet. “Loki, you live!”

  Loki nodded wearily. “But I’ve got nothing left. Baby, if we get out of this,” he told her, “I’m swearing off magic for keeps. Maybe I’ll open a restaurant or go into show business.”

  “Much as I’d like to make plans for the future too,” said Dave the Lobster, “we still have a big problem.”

  The ghastly face of Ymir still filled the hole in space, and his cavernous mouth twisted in anger as he recovered from the blazing fury of Loki’s attack.

  “So all we have to do is get rid of that big ape,” said Greg, “then switch Asgard and St Andrews back to normal. How hard can that be?”

  “When Ymir is sucked back into the nothingness of Ginnungagap,” said Odin, “all the harm that has been wrought by his icy heart will be undone. Both our worlds will be restored to their former state.”

  “Then we need to smack him in the face with somethi
ng really big that will knock him right back down the hole he’s climbing out of,” said Greg.

  “Like what?” said Dave the Lobster. “The moon?”

  “That would be a bit of a tall order,” said Susie.

  “We do have something big,” said Lewis. “Lord Odin, you have that Asgard crystal.”

  Intrigued by Lewis’ words, Odin took the crystal out of his cloak so everyone could see it.

  “So you used a spell of crystal protection,” said Loki, impressed. “You’ve still got the moves, Pops.”

  “That’s not what I’d call big,” said Greg.

  “Not now it isn’t,” said Lewis, “because the magic spell’s made it small. But it was already trying to grow back to normal size. You can make it do that, can’t you, Odin?”

  The king of the gods nodded solemnly. “Yes, it would be a simple matter.”

  “So we shoot the crystal at Ymir,” said Susie. “Then Odin has it snap back to its original size while it’s in flight.”

  “You’re talking about gubbing him in the face with a whole city,” said Greg. “How cool is that!”

  “It will be a shock for everybody in Asgard, won’t it?” Susie worried.

  “The preserving power of the crystal will linger long enough to keep them from harm,” said Odin.

  “We don’t need a cannon,” said Susie. “We’ve got this.” She raised her hockey stick in the air.

  “Spinny, even you can’t hit that hard,” Greg objected.

  “Remember the time Thor used his hammer to power up our skis so they could fly along by themselves?” Susie recalled. “I’m betting Odin could power up my Bearlander AX3 hockey stick to give it a cosmic wallop.”

  “That much magic remains in my staff,” Odin affirmed. He gazed at Susie approvingly. “Susie, daughter of Theresa, you are a child of much wisdom.” He handed the crystal over to her.

  “I’m not so keen on the child part,” said Susie, “but thanks anyway.”

  Odin laid his staff against the hockey stick and a shimmer of magical energy passed between them, infusing the stick with a brilliant amber glow.

  Susie set the crystal down on the road in front of her then swung the stick right back so that its head was high above her shoulder. Her eyes fixed on the crystal and she wrinkled her nose in concentration as if she were about to take the most important penalty shot of her life. Greg could hear her murmuring intently to herself.