And somehow, Cas Watkins saw right through me.
I’m not about to let him know that, though.
“What about you?” I challenge. “You’re hiding behind that big bad biker thing.” I’m trying to rile him up — suddenly I want him to be angry with me — but he just laughs.
“I’m not hiding anything, Jen.” He lifts his head to grin suggestively at me. “What you see is what you get. And you’ve seen pretty much everything.”
I blush. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” I wave my hands around. “You’re Big, Bad, mysterious Ghost Watkins, Sergeant at Arms for the Lords of Carnage. You’re trying to tell me that’s not something you use to keep the world at a distance?”
He shrugs. Clearly, I’m not getting under his skin as much as I want to. “Not more than anyone else,” he says calmly. “The club’s a brotherhood. I’m not hiding from anything.”
I snort. “I don’t buy it.”
“What would I be hiding?” he asks, raising his hands wide.
“I don’t know. You tell me,” I say. “I mean, I barely know anything about you. How would I know what you’re hiding?”
“What do you mean?” He frowns, genuinely perplexed. “We’ve known each other for years.”
“Yeah, but… what do we really know about each other?” I persist.
“I know what makes you scream,” he says reaching for me.
“Stop!” I bat him away. “I’m serious.”
“Okay, okay,” he laughs. “What do you want to know?”
“Ummm…” I sit for a few seconds, thinking. “Okay. Cats or dogs?”
“What?” He’s confused.
“Which do you like better?” I explain. “Cats or dogs?”
“Oh.” He cocks his head at me. The smirk on his face tells me he’s considering whether to play this silly game with me. Finally, he relents. “Dogs. You?”
“Both,” I say. “With a slight preference for dogs. Okay, now your turn.”
“Are we seriously doing this?” he complains, but I’m not having it.
“Yes. Your turn. Go.”
He sighs dramatically. “Okay. Uh. Day or night?”
“Hm. Day,” I smile. “I love the sunshine on my face. You?”
“Night,” he grins, reaching out to stroke my breast. I shiver, but push him away. “Pizza or hamburgers?”
“You have to choose between pizza and hamburgers?” I ask.
“This is your game,” he reminds me.
“Pizza. As long as I can have different flavors.” I specify. “Okay, my turn.” I think for a second. “Leather or lace?”
“What? On me?” He starts laughing.
“No, silly. On women.” I shrug my shoulders. “Like, do you like women who wear jeans and leather, or more frilly, girly stuff?”
“Whatever you’re wearing is good with me,” he growls. “Right now I’m partial to naked.”
“Focus,” I say. “Oh, here’s a good one. Movies or books?”
“Books,” he replies firmly.
“Seriously?”
“What?” he protests. “You think I can’t read?”
“No, no, it’s just… a little hard to imagine you reading.” I admit, eyeing him curiously. “What’s your favorite book?”
“The Count of Monte Cristo,” he replies instantly. “My granddad gave it to me when I was a kid. I still have it. And you’ve asked like three questions in a row.”
“Okay, sorry. Your turn.”
He looks at me for a few seconds, thinking. Then finally: “Regret something you have done, or regret something you haven’t done?”
Whoa. I thought this was just a stupid game. But once again, it’s like somehow Cas has just reached inside my head.
Regretting things has become almost a religion for me. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes in my life so far. Sometimes I think making mistakes is all I’m good at.
I almost just give him a flippant answer so we can move on. But instead, I can’t help but turn Cas’s question over in my head. I think about my fling with him all those years ago. It’s a fling I regretted almost instantly. But it gave me Noah. I can’t regret that, no matter what.
I don’t know what’s going on between Cas and me, now, either. It might end up blowing up in my face. But if I’m honest with myself? I can’t regret this, either, no matter what happens.
The one thing I really, really regret as I sit here right now, though? That I never told Cas about Noah. That I’m going to have to do it eventually, and it’s probably going to be way worse because I didn’t do it when I should have.
“I’d rather regret something I had done,” I finally choke out.
“Me, too,” he breathes, bending toward me. He kisses me, deeply, and then for the third time in a night — just like our first night together — we come together, crying out our passion in the dark.
Afterwards, we lie panting next to each other.
“I sure as hell don’t regret that,” Cas murmurs.
I burst out laughing.
19
Cas
I manage to see Jenna most nights for the next couple of weeks. It’s not like I plan it that way. It just sort of happens. Whenever she’s in my arms, she’s all I can think about. And whenever I’m away from her, all I can think about is seeing her again.
Usually, I come over to her place at night. Most of the time it’s after Noah’s gone to bed, but sometimes when I get there he’s still up, all fed and bathed and in his pajamas. I’ve never paid a hell of a lot of attention to little kids, but I gotta say that Noah’s a pistol. Smart as a damn whip, too. He’s already reading, even though he’s not even in kindergarten yet. Jenna told me he just figured it out one day. I guess she was reading a book to him and he interrupted her and started sounding the words out himself. He even brought me one of his little books one night and read it to me out loud, sitting next to me on Jenna’s old worn-out couch with his stuffed monkey beside him. He’s always asking questions about how things work, and he’s got this damn quirky sense of humor, too. He cracks me up, which is pretty damn amazing in a four year-old. It’s weird — in some ways, the kid really reminds me of me.
In normal circumstances, I would have run as fast as I could away from a chick with a kid. Hell, the last thing I need is some woman looking for a daddy figure in her rug rat’s life. But Jenna’s not like that. At all. She’s not forcing Noah on me. Just the opposite, in fact. Which is why I’m surprised to realize I’m actually enjoying spending time with him.
Being with Jenna has this weird… thing about it. This weird quality. It’s like, every time I’m with her, it feels familiar and new at the same time. It’s exciting as hell — and Jesus Christ, the sex is scorching hot — but it’s also sort of more there than with other women I’ve been with. It’s like every time I kiss her or touch her, I get to have the memory of how it felt the first time — plus all the years in between when I would think about her in odd moments and feel this little pull and twinge of regret — plus now when she’s older and hotter and holy shit amazing at sex. A few days ago she gave me a blow job, and when I came I thought my brain was gonna blow out the back of my head.
It’s sort of like I’ve been missing her this whole time and didn’t even know it, until she showed up.
And the thought of her eventually packing up again and moving on makes something constrict painfully in my throat.
Things start to fall into a sort of routine with us. A nice one, though. Jenna takes Noah to Jewel’s place every day to be babysat, and I see her at night, when we’re both away from the clubhouse. Of course, I see her during the day, too, when she’s working at the bar. But we’re keeping whatever this is private for now, especially because Angel will probably lose his shit if he finds out about us.
The sneaking around thing is kind of fun at first, but it gets old really fucking fast.
One afternoon, I’m at the clubhouse while Jenna’s working. I’d kept her up pretty damn l
ate the night before, and even though she looks a little tired, she’s goddamn beautiful and sexy as hell. I’m having a hard time not going behind the bar and pulling her against my cock, which I’m fighting to keep under control. I settle for shooting her the occasional dirty glance, smiling to myself when she blushes and starts to squirm.
I nonchalantly wander over just as she’s serving Gunner a drink. He’s ordered his typical, a Jack and coke spiked with vodka. Jenna sets the glass in front of him and then turns to me saucily, the hint of a blush flushing her cheeks.
“What’ll you have?” she asks me saucily, her eyes daring me to say something dirty.
“Hey, what is this?” Gunner complains. “This ain’t vodka, it’s gin!”
“Shit! Sorry,” Jenna stammers. She takes the glass from him and pours it out. “I guess I’m just a little distracted today.”
“No worries, darlin’,” Gunner replies, giving her a grin and a wink. “You can pay me back later.”
“You wish,” Jenna shoots back easily. I’ll give it to her, she can definitely hold her own around these animals.
Jenna redoes Gunner’s drink and hands it to him. He moves away, and I lean closer and murmur, “I’ll have a tall glass of Jenna Abbott.”
Jenna looks away and smothers a smile. “Stop it! You’re being too distracting. It’s your fault I messed up Gunner’s drink in the first place.”
“Oh, sure, blame it on me.”
“It’s true!” She lowers her voice. “I can’t get last night out of my head with you staring at me like that. You make me feel naked.”
“Your mouth to God’s ears,” I mutter. “When do you get off, anyway? So I can get you off.”
“Filthy,” she says.
“You know it.”
A couple of the other brothers come up and ask for bottles of beer. “Hey, sweet stuff,” Hawk drawls, “How’d you like to join me later for a little extra-curricular activity?”
“Sorry, Hawk. I’ve got to pick up my son.” She stresses the word for good measure.
“Rain check, then,” he says, undeterred. He stares off into space, a lecherous gleam in his eye. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like with a MILF.”
A couple of the other brothers murmur their approval, and one makes a rude noise.
Easy laughter bubbles up from Jenna’s throat. “Same as with anyone else,” she says. “Just with more sleep deprivation.”
Jenna gets a lot of this kind of ribbing from the brothers while she’s working. It’s mostly good natured — after all, she is the VP’s sister — but every single one of them would fuck her in a heartbeat, I know. Jenna takes it in stride, but after a while it starts to piss me the hell off that she has to flirt with the rest of those assholes just to make tips. She’s not doing a damn thing wrong, but I find myself wanting to stand up and beat my fucking chest or something for dominance. Yell out to everyone in the bar, “Hands off, goddamnit. Jenna’s mine. Mine.”
I’ve never really had anything resembling a relationship with a woman before. The most you could say is that I’ve fucked a few more than once. But I’ve never been one for half-measures. No one else is going to have Jenna Abbott. Because she’s mine. Body and soul. Jenna belongs to me. The words resound in my mind, persistent as a heartbeat. The club might not know it yet, but they will. And I’m gonna make sure Jenna knows it, as well.
20
Jenna
Cas slips behind the bar with me when most of the men are in the back room playing pool. “You’re coming with me after your shift,” he murmurs in my ear. His hot breath tickles my skin, and my eyes flutter closed as a flame lights low in my belly.
“Cas, be careful,” I whisper. “What if someone sees you?”
“I don’t fucking care,” he growls. There’s something up with him today: a tension and urgency in his body that I can feel as he leans into me. Between my legs, a familiar ache begins to grow, as it always does when he gets this close to me. His cock is hardening as he presses against my ass. Oh, God… We’ve been together long enough now that I know exactly what he can do to me, and exactly how good it’s going to feel when he does…
“I’ll call Jewel and see if she can keep Noah a little later,” I say in a strangled voice. Then I slide away from him before I burst into flames. He moves away to the other side of the bar, and I exhale in relief. Being around that man is dangerous when I have to pretend there’s nothing going on between us.
There’s not a whole lot going on at the clubhouse today, so I have a little more time to myself just to think and enjoy the relatively slow pace. It’s funny, but even though I have to put up with the men flirting with me, I actually sort of like working here. It’s nice to feel like I belong, for once. Since I’m Angel’s sister, I’m off limits, so I know I don’t have to take any of their B.S.’ing seriously. I get to watch from an amused distance as the fully-patched members test out the prospects, making them do their grunt work to see whether they’ll be loyal to the club. I’ve even struck up friendships with some of the old ladies. For maybe the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I’m “less than,” or like I’m not living up to anyone’s expectations. I just feel like I fit in. It’s a welcome relief from being around my father, who always seems to be disappointed in me and my choices.
My father… I breathe out a sigh as my thoughts turn to him. I’ve been kind of avoiding Dad the last couple of weeks, mostly because I don’t want to deal with his prying questions about what my future plans are. He knows I’m working at the clubhouse now, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t approve — though when I told him, he didn’t blow up like I thought he would. In fact, he was downright subdued about it, to the point where I almost asked him why he wasn’t more upset. Something’s bothering him, I think. And it seems like whatever it is goes deeper than just the reelection campaign.
My hand goes up to finger my mom’s ring as I think guiltily about the three voicemails I have on my cell phone from him. I really need to call him back one of these days, I tell myself. He does deserve at least that much. After all, it’s because of him that I have a roof over my head. Even though I’m doing a lot better financially now, and soon I’ll be able to pay him back for the damage deposit, I should probably make a point to thank him again for helping me in the first place. I resolve to be a better daughter to my dad. Heck, maybe I’ll even bring Noah over to see him for an hour or two this weekend.
My thoughts continue to ping-pong back and forth between turning over a new leaf with my dad and wondering what Cas has planned for us after I’m done working. I call Jewel and make sure she’s okay with taking Noah for a couple more hours. Somehow, I manage to make it through the rest of my shift. Then I drive home to take a quick shower, because I spilled beer on myself earlier, and really, that’s just not a sexy smell.
Cas shows up at my place about ten minutes after I get out of the shower. My hair’s still wet, and I feel a little self-conscious that I haven’t had time to dry it and put a little makeup on. But when he strides through my door and pulls me to him like I’m a glass of water and he’s dying of thirst, my disheveled state doesn’t seem to matter so much.
“God damn, I thought I was gonna go crazy back at the bar,” he murmurs in my ear. One hand goes around the back of my neck, the other to my hip, pulling me hard against him. He’s already huge with need. His lips come crashing down on mine, his mouth taking me, possessing me. I make a small sound between a gasp and a moan as I open to him.
My hips are pressing against him, the ache between my legs already almost unbearable. Cas’s urgency is contagious. I want him — I want this — now. My feverish hands go to his waistband and start to fumble open his fly.
“No,” he growls, grabbing my arm. “Not here.”
I catch a ragged breath and try to focus on what he’s saying. “Where, then?” I’m confused. I can’t see why he’d rather take the time to go to his place. It’s not that much different from mine, other than it’s nicer, and has a
larger bed.
But apparently he’s determined. “Come with me,” he rasps. He hasn’t let go of my wrist, and starts to pull me out the front door.
“Uh, Cas?” I begin, pulling back on my arm and halting in my tracks.
“Yeah?” He bites the word out, clearly impatient.
“Maybe I should — you know — put some clothes on first?”
For the first time, he seems to notice that I’m only wearing an oversized T-shirt.
“Oh. Yeah,” he mutters. “Well, okay. Hurry up.”
His tone is gruff, but I know it’s not anger — at least, not at me. Still, I don’t waste any time. I go into my tiny bedroom and stare at the closet. I consider what to wear for a moment, but then tell myself that wherever it is that Cas is taking me, it’s likely I won’t be wearing clothes for very long.
In the end I just pull on a pair of jeans and a tank top, then pull my hair into a pony and walk back out in to the main room. Cas is already standing impatiently at the front door, and pushes it open to let me go through.
Outside, the air’s already starting to cool, the sun about halfway down its descent to the horizon. Cas gets on the bike and I climb on behind him. I take a moment to breathe in deeply and relish the solid warmth of him — the deep comfort and masculinity of a powerful man on a powerful bike.
I wrap my arms around his waist and snuggle close. Then he fires up the engine and we drive out into the evening, leaving Tanner Springs behind.
21
Jenna
It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten all about this place. I can’t figure out where he’s taking me until we’re practically there. But when he takes the last turn onto the dirt road, something snaps into place in my head. I start to laugh against his chest, the sound drowned out by the engine.
“Why are you laughing?” he growls as he looks back at me, but his eyes are twinkling.
GHOST (Lords of Carnage MC) Page 8
