If he is alive, I think.
“Fuck. We have to find him,” Angel declares, shaking his head.
“No,” Rock barks. “Abe had this coming. Whatever happens to him now is on his own head.”
“Rock. He’s my fucking father.” Angel looks him hard in the eye. “Traitor or not. I have to at least try.”
“Yeah,” Rock growls, his jaw pulsing. “Which is the only reason why I’m not sending out the whole MC to find him and fucking kill him right now.”
He turns away and stomps off upstairs, leaving the two of us here alone.
“I have to go try and find him, Ghost,” Angel says grimly, turning to me. “He’s a piece of shit, but he’s my father. And Jenna’s.”
Fuck! I have to tell him about Jenna. “I know,” I reply. “Look, there’s something else you need to know. Jenna just called me. Her landlord, Charlie Hurt — turns out he was on the take for the Spiders, and maybe your dad. He just broke into Jenna’s place and tried to take her and Noah. Jenna shot him.”
“Jesus fuck!” His eyes narrow in anger. “Is she okay?”
“She is, but he’s not. She killed him.” I let out a breath. “You know I’d come with you to look for your dad, but I’ve got to get to Jenna first, Angel. She’s freaking out. Fucking Hurt’s lying in a pool of blood on her living room floor.”
“No, you’re right.” He’s shaking his head. “You go to her. Take some brothers with you. We don’t know for sure whether the Spiders have my dad yet. I’m gonna go on the assumption he got away in time. Anyway, if he didn’t…” He trails off, looking around the wrecked house.
I nod. “Yeah. I know.”
If he didn’t, we’re probably too late.
34
Cas
With Rock’s okay, I take five of the men with me to Jenna’s place, including two in one of the club’s vans. We pull up just as the sun is setting.
Which is gonna be useful for the next couple of hours.
I text Jenna as we’re climbing the stairs and she opens the door, white-faced and frightened. “Noah’s in my bedroom,” she whispers as she lets us in.
“How is he?” I murmur, drawing her into my arms. For a moment, she collapses against me, and I realize how tightly she must have been holding her emotions in, waiting for me to get there.
“I think he’s okay,” she says shakily. “He didn’t see… what I did.” Her breath hitches and she pushes down a sob. “I made him run to the bedroom and close the door. He was scared of the loud noise, and I just told him I slammed the front door really hard.” She manages a wobbly laugh. “I guess I should be glad he’s still young enough to believe me when I tell him unbelievable things.”
“Sshhh,” I whisper, grazing my lips across her forehead. “Let’s go check in on him, okay?” I lead her through the living room, past the brothers who are already starting to work on cleanup. Jenna averts her eyes and shudders slightly as we pass.
Pushing open the door to her bedroom, I wait for her to walk through it and then close it behind us. Inside, Noah is sitting in the middle of the bed, a small, frightened-looking animal, clutching Chip-Chip.
I sit down on the bed and give him a smile. “Hey, buddy,” I say softly.
Noah doesn’t say a word. He just crawls over and climbs into my lap.
I look over at Jenna and raise my eyebrows. Her expression softens as she watches us. I put an arm around Noah and slide myself back against the headboard. He leans into my chest and closes his eyes.
“Wow,” I mouth at Jenna.
Jenna slides up beside me and takes my hand. The three of us stay like that for a few minutes, not speaking. Soon, I hear and feel Noah’s breathing even out. He’s fallen asleep. I look over at Jenna, and I see she’s realized it, too.
“He’s… had a pretty rough day,” she murmurs.
“Sounds like he’s not the only one.”
She laughs softly and nods. “Yeah, even for me, this is not going to go down as one of my better days.” She glances over in the direction of the living room. “What’s going to happen to… him?” she asks, a note of fear in her voice.
“The men will take care of the body,” I tell her.
“What about the police?” Her lip trembles. “I don’t want to go to jail, Cas.”
“Sshhh, Jenna,” I say, tightening my arm around her. “It’s gonna be okay. The club’s got… well, let’s just say the club’s got a reasonably good relationship with law enforcement around here. Sometimes they can be encouraged to look the other way.” I think for a moment. “And as far as I can tell, Hurt isn’t someone who had a lot of relatives who’ll be asking around about what happened.”
“Are you sure?” she whispers.
I nod and kiss the top of her head. “Don’t worry, babe. It’s gonna be alright.”
We sit like that, quietly, for a couple of minutes. Jenna clings to me tightly, and I wait until I can feel the tension in her body begin to ebb out of her. Finally, when I feel like I can’t put it off anymore, I take a deep breath.
“Jenna, I need to tell you something,” I begin. “I probably should have told you over the phone, but I wanted to do it in person. It’s about your dad.”
I tell her about the text I got from Angel, and what I found when I got to the address he sent me. “I didn’t recognize the address at first, until I got to the house. The place was trashed, and your dad is gone.”
“Oh, my God,” she breathes. “Do you think he’s been kidnapped?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Either that, or he realized that the Spiders were coming for him and got out in time.” I look over at her stricken face, and my chest constricts. “Angel’s out looking for him,” I add quickly. “If he’s out there to be found, your brother will find him.”
What I don’t say — and what I sure as hell hope she doesn’t ask me — is what will happen to him if the Spiders find him first.
Jenna begins to cry softly. I don’t know what else to do but hold her, and let her. The sun goes down, and it grows dark, until the only light in the little room is the tiny lamp on the bedside table. Time passes, and I hear the brothers moving around in the other room. Finally, the front door closes for the final time. They’re gone, and we’re alone.
I must fall asleep, because when I wake up the three of us are still lying on the bed. Noah’s curled up into a little ball, his thumb having drifted into his mouth at some point. I stand and pick him up, then carry him to his room and tuck him in.
When I come back, Jenna’s awake. She gives me a small smile as I kick off my shoes and climb back into bed with her. “Hey, there,” I murmur, kissing her softly.
“How’s Noah?” she asks, glancing toward the door.
“He’s good. Out to the world.” I chuckle. “Oh, to be young again, and be able to sleep like that.”
“He really seemed to need you to comfort him,” she says slowly. There’s a strange expression on her face.
“Sometimes a boy needs a man to look up to, I guess. It must be rough on Noah sometimes, not having a dad.” I glance at her. “Not that you’re not doing a great job with him, Jenna. You’re a terrific mom.” I stop for a moment, considering my words. “Besides,” I continue. “Now that you’re my old lady, Noah’s my responsibility, too. We’re a family. Right?”
Jenna’s reaction isn’t at all what I’m expecting. Her lip trembles, and then suddenly she bursts into tears.
“Hey, hey!” I say, alarmed. I take her face in my hand and turn it to mine. “Jesus, Jenna, I’m sorry!” I guess the stress of the day must still have a hold on her. Not surprising; it’s not every day you have to kill a man in your own living room.
“No, no,” she sobs. “It’s… it’s not you…” She shakes her head furiously. “Cas, oh my God, I’m such a fool. I’m so sorry…”
“Jenna, calm down, baby. It’s okay,” I soothe. “Tell me what’s wrong.” There’s a strange germ of an idea forming in my head, but I force myself not to jump to
conclusions. “Come on, Jen,” I urge her, pulling her back into my arms. “Talk.”
Finally, she manages to calm herself enough to speak. Jenna pulls herself upright and draws away from me, until she’s facing me and we’re no longer touching. She pulls her legs in tight and hugs them against her chest.
“Cas,” she whispers as she looks at me. Tears continue to stream down her face. “You’re Noah’s father.” She takes in a shuddering breath and squeezes her eyes shut. “I should have told you. I should have told you so long ago… I’m so sorry.”
It feels a little like I’ve been punched. Of all the things she could have been preparing to say, this one leaves me speechless. For a moment, it’s like the words can’t quite penetrate my brain.
Holy hell.
Noah’s mine? I’ve been a father for four fucking years, and I never knew it?
In a daze, my mind goes back to that summer when Jenna and I were first together. All that time since, all the months and years after she left, I’ve been just living my life, with no idea I had a kid. And Jenna’s been doing it all on her own. The pregnancy, the birth, raising him… without anyone to help her.
Why did she never tell me?
Damn Jenna and her pride. As long as I’ve known her, she has the toughest time accepting any help from anybody. Another girl would have come home and leaned on her family during the pregnancy, and the birth. Not Jenna, though. My chest aches a little bit to think about how alone she must have felt through all of it.
But why not me? Why didn’t she ask the father of her child to help her?
Because she didn’t want to push you into it. The answer comes to me immediately. Jenna would never want to think you were with her just because there was a baby on the way. She’d rather be alone than be a charity case.
I haven’t said a word since she told me. I’ve just been sitting here silent. I look over at Jenna to see she’s opened her eyes again. She’s looking down and away from me. Her jaw is tense, her posture rigid. I realize she thinks I’m angry with her. And to be honest, I am.
But the anger I feel isn’t anything compared to the other things welling up inside me.
Joy. Pride. Love.
A little fear, if I’m honest.
Holy fuck. I’m a father.
I have a son.
And Jenna Abbott, the one woman who ever made me slow down and think about settling down, is his mother.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, even though I sort of know the answer. I need her to tell me why.
She looks down at her hands. “Because we told ourselves it was a mistake back then. I never wanted Noah to think he was a mistake. I never wanted anyone to think he was a mistake.”
Jenna takes a deep breath and forces herself to meet my gaze. She puts a careful hand on her stomach.
“And this isn't a mistake either.”
35
Jenna
I know he’s going to be furious.
I’ve left it too long; it’s too much to handle all at once. Finding out that you’re a father to not just one child, but two, in the span of thirty seconds is enough to make any man run screaming.
I know Cas loves me. I do. But I have no right to expect him to take all of this on. I won’t saddle him with this, though. I won’t make my children grow up with a father who doesn’t want them.
Cas’s face turns dark, and stormy, and I take a deep breath and wait for him to explode.
“Jenna,” he says, fiercely but with a gentleness that takes me by surprise. “You were never a mistake. Never.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I hang my head and don’t respond for a moment. My heart leaps with hope at the fact that he didn’t immediately get up and leave, but I force myself to admit that this doesn’t mean anything. I’m not going to beg and plead with him to stay with me. I’m just going to tell him the truth — finally tell him the whole truth — and whatever he decides to do with it, I’m just going to have to accept.
“I know I should have told you,” I murmur. “I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how to explain. And every day, it got harder instead of easier to tell you.” I put my hands to my still-flat stomach. “And now this.”
My eyes meet his. “I just found out, Cas. Just a few hours ago. I took the test while I was waiting for you to come back.” I raise my head. “And this time, at least, I knew I couldn’t make the same mistake with you I made last time. I knew I needed to tell you everything, right away. But you’re not under any obligation here,” I continue, my jaw setting with determination. “I’m not asking for anything, Cas. I just wanted to do right by you this time. That’s all.”
“Jenna…” He reaches forward and grabs me by the shoulders. “Do you really think I’d leave you alone in this?”
“I know you’d do the right thing,” I reply sadly. “But that’s just it. I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want my children’s father to feel obligated to us. I don’t want a… a partner who’s only with me because he thinks he has to be. I’d rather that these children have only one parent who really wants them, than have to suffer through having two but know one of them is only going through the motions.”
“Jenna, stop it!” Cas growls, cutting me off. “Remember what I said to you before? Now that you’re my old lady, Noah’s my responsibility, too. We’re a family. That was true even before I knew this.” His hand goes to my tummy. “Now it’s even more true.” His eyes grow dark again. “So don’t fucking push me away.”
“You’re mad,” I murmur.
“Hell yes, I’m mad!” he half-shouts, then his voice drops as he remembers Noah’s sleeping next door. “But not for the reason you think.” He raises his hands in a frustrated gesture. “I’m mad because you seem determined to believe I don’t want these kids. You’re hell-bent on believing that I’ll be making this huge sacrifice by staying with you. Jenna, Jesus.” His voice breaks a little. “You keep saying you don’t want these kids to feel like mistakes. Why are you letting yourself feel like a mistake?” He takes my head in both of his hands, making me look at his earnest, serious face. “You’re the best fucking mistake I ever made, Jenna Abbott,” he says, his voice husky. “So stop pushing me away and let me love you.”
This time, he doesn’t wait for an answer. He brings his mouth down on mine, in a kiss that’s sweet and soft, but with an intensity behind it that’s unmistakable. Our tongues dance, and in that moment I know he’s telling me the truth: that he wants me. That he wants this.
A life together. Us. With our children.
For the first time maybe ever, a bunch of puzzle pieces seem to fly together in my mind. All my life, all the mistakes I’ve made, seem to reassemble themselves into a picture of wholeness, of perfection.
What if all the mistakes I’ve ever made weren’t mistakes at all? What if they were just all the pieces that needed to happen to get me here? Where I was supposed to be all along?
“Oh, wow,” I breathe as Cas’s lips leave mine.
“What?” His mouth begins to burn a path down my neck. “I thought you were used to my massive size by now.”
In spite of myself, I snort. “That’s not what I was wowing about.”
“What, then?”
His hand slips under my shirt, his thumb grazing my already-taut nipple. I gasp with pleasure. “Tell you later…” I manage to croak out as my hands reach to fist in his hair.
He removes my shirt and bra and his hands cover my breasts, cupping one and bringing it to his mouth. The instant his tongue swirls around the hard bud, I’m overcome by lust, a bolt of electricity jolting straight to my core. He teases me, chuckling low in his throat as I whimper and squirm at his touch. His mouth remains locked on my nipple, but his hands leave my breasts to open the button on my jeans. He slides them over my hips, and I do everything I can to help him, but I can barely think straight, already anticipating what I know he’s about to do to me.
Cas slides a hand between my legs, and they fall open
for him of their own accord. “You’re so fucking wet,” he groans against my skin. “God damn it, I love how fucking wet you get for me.”
“I want you inside me,” I whisper. “I need it. I can’t wait.”
I don’t need to beg him. He throws off his clothes and is kneeling next to me in a heartbeat. The beauty of his hard cock never ceases to amaze me. I reach out and wrap my hand around the shaft, loving the hot velvet of his skin. He takes in a sharp breath and watches me, thrusting into my palm just slightly with every stroke.
“Fuck me, Cas,” I ask him simply.
He moves between my legs, sliding his large head against my wet folds. I throw back my head and moan, the anticipation already driving me crazy. I close my eyes and wait for him to enter me, but for a second he hesitates. I open my eyes to see him frowning above me.
“Is it okay to do this?” he asks.
“What, you mean because I’m pregnant?” I giggle. “Considering that the baby’s about the size of a pin head, I think we’ll be okay. Plus, the good news is, I’m already pregnant, so no need for birth control.”
“Good points all,” he growls, grabbing my hips and pulling me closer to him.
Cas slowly slides his shaft into my waiting channel, and I let out a low moan as he fills me up. I clutch at the sheets, my back already arching. He begins to move inside me. “Oh, God,” I gasp. “That’s so good. So, so good.”
Cas’s rhythm starts to speed up. “It’s pretty hot fucking a pregnant chick,” he rasps.
I grip his strong thighs, pulling him into me, wrapping my legs around him. “More. Harder,” I urge. The slide of his cock, slick from my juices, is delicious and hot against my pussy. I arch my hips, adjusting the angle just tiny amounts to increase the pleasure as he continues to slam into me. God, I had no idea how good it felt to be fucked hard until I met Cas. It’s never too much. I’ll never get enough of him.
My breath comes shorter and harder as he thrusts, my need becoming more urgent. Already I’m so close, I know it’s just a matter of seconds before I lose control. Cas grabs my hips and pulls me hard against him. “God, I love fucking you, Jenna. I can’t get enough. Come with me, baby, come now!”
GHOST (Lords of Carnage MC) Page 15
