by Dylan Heart
Behind the house is a bonfire, burning hot and high. About twenty former classmates stand around the smoldering blaze. Some have beer in their hands, other have Solo cups. Most stand with their hands in their pockets. As we move closer to the crowd, my stomach begins to come unhinged. I thought I wanted a peaceful, somber affair, but I begin to crave a long night that will lead to a total blackout. It’s sudden, but I want to bury my grief in a bottle of whiskey. Everybody knows that’s the simplest, most efficient way to let it all out. It also brings the bonus perk of not being able to remember.
It’s Joey’s party, but he’s nowhere to be seen. He must be off somewhere else, doing something else. God knows what. Tyson’s also absent, probably off in the forest or in the house. Maybe he’s with Joey. From across the flames, Summer spots me. She leaves the circle and greets us, the hood of her soaked jacket covering her head.
“I didn’t think you were coming,” she says.
“I wasn’t going to, but I couldn’t sleep.”
“I know the feeling.” She looks over to Blue, and forces a grin. “Hey, fair boy.”
A smile forms on my face. It’s a fleeting moment of happiness, but for the first time in days, I’m able to do anything besides feel empty.
“Hi,” he replies, followed by a yawn that he shakes off. “I’m going to go get a drink. You want one?”
Lying, I shake my head. When the time’s right, I’ll sneak off and drink on my own. Blue lets go of my hand slowly, until he knows that it’s okay, and he walks toward his apartment–the garage.
“Where are Joey and Tyson?” I ask.
Summer looks behind her, then back to me, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m not sure. They were here a minute ago.”
“How were they after the funeral?”
“They’ve been drinking since they left. They’re both wasted.”
“Are they okay?”
“Tonight? No,” she says, and her eyes sink. “Not tomorrow, or next week, but one day they’ll wake up and realize it’s not healthy to hold onto the past. What about you?”
I’m the furthest thing from being okay. I know that. I’m choking on empty screams, and they’re silent, but I understand deep down that in time, I’ll be okay. “Give me time,” I say somberly.
“I hear you on that,” she says. “I already hate that I’m leaving tomorrow. I feel like I need to be here, you know?’
“Where are you going?” I ask blankly.
She cocks an eyebrow. “School.”
I had forgotten about it, the fact that she was in school. She’s only been gone a few weeks, so her being around these past few days remind me of the way things used to be. It also reminds me of the way things could have been, if I had followed the plan and gone to college. Maybe none of this would have happened. Dillon still would have driven drunk. He did it all the time, but he probably wouldn’t have done it that night, at that time. I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I can’t turn off the split-screen movie running fervently through my mind, stuck on replay. On one side of the reel is reality, and on the other, an alternate reality where everything isn’t so fucked up.
“I really wish I could stay,” she says.
I perk up. Maybe it’s time for a new reality for myself. “I wish I could go with you.”
She places her palm on my shoulder, gripping me just tight enough that it’s comforting. “You have no idea how much I would like that.” She smiles. “But you’ve got things here you need to take care of.”
She reminds me of what I already know, though something tells me that she’s talking more about my mom than Blue. She probably doesn’t know my mom is much better, or how quickly the change transpired. Involuntarily, I frown, reflecting on my decisions and the things I have no control over.
“There’s always next semester, though. You should really consider it,” she says with enthusiasm.
“Consider what?” Blue asks from behind me.
I turn to him. He’s holding two beers, one in each hand. That’s my Blue, always doing the right thing, even when he’s been told not to. “Nothing important.” I don’t want him to know I’m thinking about leaving just as we’re growing closer. Columbus isn’t too far from Lakeside, but going away to college, no matter the distance, brings its fair share of complications. Especially for a newer couple, and we have enough complications as it is. In my mind, as it stands, I can have one or the other—Blue or an education.
I grab a beer and take a short sip. It’s cool and calming. An arm wraps around my neck, pulling me in for a hug from the back. “Charlie,” Joey slurs. The scent of malt overpowers me. He pulls back, looks at Blue, and gives him an unpleasant nod. “I’ll be right back.”
He walks between Blue and me. I sense his intention is to cut between us with purpose, and he does. Blue rubs his hand across my back. Joey chuckles wickedly, and then spins around on one foot, almost fumbling to the ground. “Could you stop doing that?”
Stop doing what?
“Stop pretending like you’re so in love, and if you are in love, stop that, too. It’s making me nauseous.” He grimaces.
“Joey,” I plead softly, hoping he’ll leave it alone.
“What, Charlie?” he asks with a mocking tone. “Don’t want to hear what everybody’s thinking?” His hands wave in the air, a can of beer about to fly across the red sky.
“We’re all hurting.”
“He’s dead, Charlie. Dillon is dead.” It’s starting to turn into a scene as random heads crane toward us. “Remember him? You used to love him, and now he’s just some dead guy you used to know.”
Blue steps forward, putting an arm around Joey. “Okay, I think that’s enough. Let’s go for a walk.”
Joey brushes Blue off him, his face distorted. “Don’t touch me.”
“Come on,” Blue says.
Joey ignores him and laughs a little. “Seriously, Charlie? Can you take your boyfriend somewhere else? You’re not welcome here.”
Fuck you. “You’re just drunk,” I say, on the verge of tears. He’s too drunk to cry. The sadness is gone, lost somewhere in the bottom of a bottle, and all that’s left is anger.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” He stumbles backward. Blue grabs onto his arm, steadying him. Joey glares at him. “Didn’t I tell you to leave?”
“Sorry, cousin, I’m not going anywhere.”
I go to move toward the testosterone, but Summer holds me back, wrapping an arm around me.
“Is that right?” Joey asks. Blue answers with a nod and receives a quick punch to the face. I race toward Blue as he fumbles backward. I catch him in my arms and shake my head at Joey.
“You might want to have a doctor check that out,” Joey says smugly, shaking off his fist. “In other words, leave.”
I hold Blue in my arms, still recovering from the punch. He pushes back against me and throws himself toward Joey, tackling him to the ground.
“Blue!” I scream as the boys scrap in the grass.
“Get off me,” Joey grunts as Blue pulls his fist back, ready to punch, but it just sits there, floating in the air, shaking in hesitation. He pulls himself off Joey, who scrambles against the ground before taking off. Blue turns to look at me, probably to comfort me, but I’m already gone.
I walk toward the edge of the forest in search of a refuge far from the light of the fire. The branches hang high, casting ominous shadows onto the ground below me. Behind me, I hear someone, probably Blue, beginning to give chase and my brisk pace turns into a sprint. At first, I just needed to get away from Joey and Blue, but now I want to run until I see the sun.
My heart races, skipping a beat as I almost crash into a tree. There’s a good chance that I’ve lost whoever followed me into the woods, so I slide my body against the trunk of the tree. The nothingness is exactly what I need.
Chapter Twenty-One
I sit against the tree, not moving and unable to think about anything beyond pondering how long it’ll be until the sun rises. My be
st guess is that I’m at least six hours away from the peace I crave and when the sun will warm me again.
A twig snaps violently in half, and I know I’ve been found.
“When a girl flees into the forest, that’s usually a pretty good sign that she wants to be alone.”
“Maybe,” Blue replies through the darkness.
“Definitely.”
As he draws closer to me, the outline of his body forms against an easel of darkness. Piercing rays sent from the moon shoot holes through his clothing. “You never have to be alone.”
“I’ve been surrounded by the people I love for days, and I’ve still never felt more alone, so maybe this is exactly what I need.”
“I don’t think it is.” He moves closer still.
“Please, don’t take another step.”
“All right.” He nods and finds a tree of his own, sliding down the trunk of it and kicking his feet out into the dirt.
My eyes roll. “Please, Blue.”
“Sorry,” he says. “I’m not leaving. There could be bears out here, or lions, or tigers.”
“This isn’t a zoo.”
“I think it’s best to stay on this side of caution.”
I push my head back, against the tree. Maybe my silence will bore him.
“I could stay here all night,” he muses out loud, and brushes leaves and twigs out from under him. “It’s comfortable, quiet, and a little too dark.”
“Fine, you want to know what’s on my mind?”
“Every scary detail.”
“I miss being that smartass, life-loving girl I used to be. It’s only been a few days since my world was turned upside down, but I feel like an asteroid losing pieces with every minute that ticks by. I want to be that girl again, and I have no idea how to get her back.”
“The first step is to not worry about it.” I can see him look at me through the blackness. “The second step is to wake up some random day—it’ll be the day you’re least expecting, and you’ll be okay.”
“You seem to know a thing or two about it.”
“I’ve been through loss. It sucks.” He brings himself to his feet and begins moving toward me, the light of the moon shining upon him. “I know what it’s like to want to scream so loud that astronauts can hear you. I know what it’s like to be stuck in quicksand, suffocating and drowning, because the world won’t let you stand up.”
I stand up with the world’s permission, as he closes in on me, reaching into my heart while reading all the hurt. “You get it.”
He shrugs. “Like you said, I know a thing or two.”
This is the worst thing I could possibly say. “I need you to know something, and it’s not easy to say. It’s probably harder to hear, but I would do anything to have him back. Even if it meant rewinding time and changing everything.”
His face goes blank as he processes what I’ve just said, knowing full well what I meant. I would leave him, even if it meant dooming myself to an ordinary life with Dillon. “I wouldn’t blame you,” he says.
I shake my head. “How can you be so understanding of that?”
“Because I told you that I love you, and despite my tendency to lie about the little things, I’d never lie about something so big. And it is big, because you’re my whole world now.”
He really is something special.
“And I know that I can’t be your whole world right now, but I’ve got enough patience to last a lifetime.”
“Is that so?”
His lips purse. “Well, maybe not that long.”
I lean in, pushing my weight against him. Standing on my toes, I kiss him softly, but I want so much more. When I go back in, this time with more passion, he pulls back but holds me at the waist. “I don’t want a repeat of earlier.”
“What do you mean?”
“If we’re going to have sex,” he says contemplatively, “I want it to be because you want me, not because you’re looking for anything else.”
“Most guys would jump at the chance to bang a girl against a tree.”
He snickers and brushes his hand through my hair. “I’m not like other guys, remember?”
“How could I forget?” I smile, knowing that there’s a light at the end of this road.
“Now, come on. Let’s get out of here before we’re mauled by a bear.”
We exit the forest after what feels like hours to find a dying fire devoid of life surrounding it. The driveway is almost barren, which means there are a lot of drunk drivers on the road, or there were enough people here with the common sense to refrain from drinking. After what happened to Dillon, I must force myself to have faith that it’s the latter.
“Charlie,” Tyson calls out. “Come help me.”
I search for him and I spot him propping Joey up against the side of the house. Blue and I rush to them. Joey is too intoxicated to stay awake, or even stand. His eyes are heavier than a cloud before a thunderstorm. Blue’s stronger than me, obviously, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to assist Tyson in carrying Joey into the house, even if they are cousins.
Tyson and I pick Joey up off the ground, each pulling an arm around our necks. We’re a little too efficient for our complete lack of experience as we quickly ascend the steps. Blue holds the door open as we stumble into the house.
“I don’t want to carry him up the steps to his bedroom,” Tyson says with a light laugh. “I’m too drunk for that.”
“Let’s just put him on the couch,” I reply.
We move to the couch and lay him down gently. He jerks awake before he folds his hands under his head and drifts back off.
“Should we take off his boots?” Blue asks.
I shake my head. “No, he’s weird. He likes sleeping in them when he’s drunk.”
“You’re right,” he says quietly. “That is weird.”
By itself, it means nothing, but for the first time, I realize that I know Joey better than his own cousin knows him. I don’t have any cousins myself, but I wonder how close we’d be if I did. I have a mom and that’s about it as far as family is concerned. Sure, technically, I have a dad too, but... yeah. I now understand why the loss of Dillon hurts so much, besides the obvious, because he was more than just an ex, more than just a friend—he was a part of our family.
Tyson stumbles up the steps, and the real reason he didn’t want to carry Joey up there becomes clear. He wanted the bed to himself and I don’t blame him. Blue’s at the door, waiting for me, but I get lost watching Joey sleep. He’s survived the longest, toughest day of his life, and now, at day’s end, he’s able to find some peace.
“Charlie,” he says, his eyes blinking open.
“I’m going to bed, Joey. I’ll see you in the morning.” I turn to walk away.
“Come here,” he mumbles.
A part of me doesn’t want to while another part of me, the better part, knows I have to. I wave at Blue, who steps out onto the porch, shutting the screen door behind him.
“What?” I ask Joey as I approach the couch, hoping for an apology but expecting the worst.
“It’s about earlier.”
“It’s okay.” I rub his shoulder. “We can talk about it later.”
“I meant it.”
No apology, then...
“You can’t be with Blue.”
Every time I wake up next to Blue, I feel something different. Like I’ve been a million different people since the day I met him. This time I have no choice but to run. I’ve been lying here awake for at least an hour, alternating between staring out the window, at the ceiling, and at him. There’s a darkness around his right eye that threatens to turn into a bruise before he awakes. Any second now, I’ll make my move. If I wait any longer than that, he’ll wake up, and I’ll never have this choice again.
In many ways, Joey was right. I can’t be with Blue with this weight over me. In the brief time I’ve known him, less than thirty days, I’ve fallen for him in every way you can fall for someone. I’ve been to ecs
tasy and back, but as with all the best things in the world, the timing couldn’t be worse.
We went to bed in his apartment above his uncle’s garage in a quiet understanding. An agreement that we can work everything out if we’re just patient with it. Of course, he didn’t know what Joey had said to me or what it meant—the idea that my relationship is hurting those I care about.
Gently, I push the white sheets off me and to the side. I grab my jacket off the floor and creep toward the edge of the room. The door is silent as I pull it open. I pass through the frame, and then turn my head over my shoulder. He’s so peaceful and happy as he sleeps. Either he’s in the midst of a great dream or he’s not dreaming at all. It feels like I’m running away from him. More than that, I feel as if I’m leaving him. And it’s not because I don’t love him. It’s because I love him too much. If I can force us to take a break, then maybe we can pick up again right where we left off when I’m able to be that girl that he fell in love with.
I’m too lost, too angry, too bitter, too emotional, and too unstable to be with right now. He deserves better than a girl who changes her mind every other scene.
The rain must have picked up again, and then promptly ended just a few short hours ago. Puddles are formed in the road. My mom, in her car, comes to a stop beside me. I open the door and hop in with no intention of saying a word.
She steps on the gas, spinning rain against the asphalt. “I wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”
“Why does anything have to be wrong?” I ask, staring blankly out the window.
“Because I’m picking you up at seven in the morning after just getting home from a flight two hours ago.” There’s concern in her voice, like she senses the hell I’m going through. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone these past few days.”
“Can you just drive?” I say deadpan.
Her thumbs tap against the wheel. “You’re really not going to tell me?”
“No.” It’s not like I don’t want to, because I do. But lying to myself is enough lying for the day. What the hell am I doing, anyway? I should have her drop me back off at Joey’s, but we’re already back on the main road, and I don’t have the energy to tell her to turn around. I’d just change my mind, anyway.
