“I’m fine.”
Atlee plunked the last piece of wood onto the stack, brushed his hands together to rid his gloves of wood fragments, and hopped across the space between himself and Rebecca. His breath rose in little clouds around his face. He took Rebecca’s ungloved hands between his own. “Your hands are nearly frozen.”
“I ran out when I heard a thumping noise and didn’t take time to grab gloves.”
“You didn’t grab a cloak, either.”
“The shawl was the first thing on the hook, so I took it and hurried out the door.” Rebecca attempted to pull her hands away. She couldn’t let Atlee get too close. He was only a freind and had to stay only a freind. Even though his family appeared to be accepting, they would most likely not want him to become involved with a girl who was expecting another man’s boppli. She needed to protect Atlee—and herself.
“Malinda said she visited you and Lena.”
“Jah. She was very nice. She brought us lots of treats. Lena’s girls were delighted.”
“Malinda is a nice girl, even for a little schweschder.”
“She said she wanted us to be freinden.”
“That’s gut.”
“She and I can be freinden just like you and I are freinden.”
“I know I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I get the idea you’re trying to give me a message.”
“Uh, we are freinden, ain’t so?”
“Of course.”
The magenta streak in the sky widened, casting a pinkish glow on the earth. Now Rebecca could clearly see the puzzled look on Atlee’s face. She couldn’t find the words to tell him they could only be freinden and nothing more. What if that was his only intention anyway?
She’d be mortified if she had misinterpreted Atlee’s gestures and the tenderness in his expression. She’d be flattered—honored, actually—if Atlee truly cared for her, but she couldn’t let their relationship head in that direction. She was going to have a boppli. Her attention needed to be focused on that unchangeable fact. She’d have to keep things casual with Atlee. Besides, she didn’t know if she could ever trust another man. While he had always liked to joke and tease, Rebecca honestly did not believe Atlee had a single devious bone in his body. But she had thought Vinny was kind and considerate at the beginning, too. Jah, it would be best not to take a chance again—for her sake and her boppli’s.
Maybe she could encourage Atlee to see someone else. As far as Rebecca knew, her former schoolmate Grace Hertzler was still unattached. Maybe a meeting between the two of them would be something she could subtly orchestrate. Why did that thought send a sharp pain straight through her heart?
“Danki for the wood, Atlee, and for stacking it closer to the house for us. I’d better let you get to work.” Rebecca yanked her hands free and jogged to the house. She couldn’t bring herself to look back or she’d melt at his concerned expression. She did fling “Have a nice day” over her shoulder.
“See you soon, Becky. Maybe we can walk again next church day.”
Either Atlee was very persistent or she hadn’t conveyed her feelings as clearly as she thought she had.
Chapter Seventeen
Lena perked up the whole week and bustled about doing whatever chores Rebecca allowed her to do.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Lena, but you still need to take it easy.”
“I’m feeling better because you’ve been doing all the work. You need to rest some and let me do the work. Hmm, I need to make sure everything is ready for the boppli and the house is spick-and-span for all the people who will visit once he or she is born, and I need to cook—”
“Listen to yourself!” Rebecca grasped Lena’s bony shoulders. “You’re talking nonstop, and all those things have already been done at least twice.” She gently pushed Lena onto a kitchen chair. “And I think you’ve lost weight, if your shoulder bones are any indication.”
“I’ve always had sharp bones. And I have things I need to tend to.” Lena placed her hands on the seat of the chair to heave herself up.
“Sit, Lena!”
“You are a stubborn girl, Becky Zook.”
“So are you. I’ve been reading the pamphlets Laurie Allen gave me. I think you’re nesting, Lena, the way women do right before the birth.”
Lena looked thoughtful for a moment. “You may be right. I think I did this with Mary. I was too busy with Mary to do any ‘nesting’ with Eliza.”
“That must mean the boppli will be here soon.”
“I sure hope so. I’m tired of lugging this big belly around.”
“You can talk to me or read to the girls while I prepare food to take to the noon meal after church tomorrow.”
* * *
The wind whistled around the corners of the Yoders’ big barn, where church services were being held. There would probably not be any likelihood of going for a walk today unless the wind suddenly calmed. Rebecca felt relieved and disappointed at the same time. The warring emotions were wreaking havoc on her nerves, not to mention her stomach. The morning sickness had greatly subsided, but now her nerves had her intestines tied in knots.
Despite her best efforts to keep her eyes forward, Rebecca stole a glance at the men’s side of the barn. Somehow she knew she’d find a pair of green eyes fastened on her. She couldn’t help but smile at Atlee’s lopsided grin. Quickly she looked down at her hands interlocked in her lap. She’d better focus on the minister, or the bishop might feel she wasn’t serious about joining the church.
Lena twisted on the bench beside Rebecca and shifted Eliza’s weight. The poor little girl had fallen into a dead sleep, which seriously challenged her mamm’s arm strength. Mary had leaned her head against Lena’s other side and looked about ready to drop off to sleep or drop off the bench. Rebecca nudged Lena and motioned for her to pass Eliza over. She figured she could give Lena’s arms a little break before she had to catch Mary.
Rebecca found herself gently rocking to and fro as Eliza slept in her arms. Again her mind wandered, but this time to thoughts of her own boppli. Would it be a bu or a girl? What name would she choose? Who would it look like? How was she going to raise it without a daed?
She had her parents for support, of course, but all little ones needed a daed as well as a mamm. No young man would want to take on a ready-made family, even if she could trust another man. Were Amish men more trustworthy than Englisch men?
Rebecca barely caught the sigh before it escaped. She certainly hoped no one asked her what the sermon was about. She needed to force her mind off of worldly concerns. The Lord Gott would take care of her and her little one. She believed that, didn’t she?
The wind’s whistle had turned into a whisper by the time everyone had eaten and the cleanup had been completed. Kinner begged to go outside to play, so mudders bundled them into outer clothes, which the older ones would probably shed as soon as they were out of sight.
“Go talk to some of the young folks.” Lena elbowed Rebecca. “I’ve got the girls.”
“I don’t exactly fit in with them anymore. I’m sure they’ve all heard my news by now.”
“So what? You’re still young, and you need to talk to someone besides me.”
“I don’t feel so young.”
“Go!” Lena jabbed Rebecca with a sharp elbow again.
“Ouch!” Rebecca jumped. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Atlee watching her again. “Maybe I’ll go speak to Grace for a minute.” She shuffled off in Grace’s direction before Atlee could cross the barn to where she stood. Time to put her matchmaking plan into action.
* * *
Grace Hertzler had always been a happy, giggly sort of girl. Rebecca hadn’t been especially close to her, either, but Rebecca had remained aloof from most of the girls. Or maybe they were leery of her, afraid she’d try to steal their fellows. Shame and remorse washed over Rebecca at the memory of how she’d behaved in the not-too-distant past. She wasn’t that person anymore, but she’d probably have to w
ork hard to prove that.
“Hi, Grace.”
Grace whirled around to see who greeted her. “Ach, Becky. Hello.”
Rebecca wished she’d planned a speech so she didn’t have to stand here sifting through the web of thoughts swirling through her mind. She needed to raise her head to look into Grace’s dark raisin eyes, since Grace was several inches taller. Grace also outweighed Rebecca by ten or fifteen pounds, but she wouldn’t be considered heavy, or even plump. She’s probably normal, and I’m too thin.
Rebecca had always liked Grace’s chestnut-colored hair with its almost burgundy highlights and the caramel freckles that dotted her nose and cheeks. She coaxed a smile to her lips. “How have you been?” Rebecca could have kicked herself. Honestly, was that the best comment she could utter?
“I’m gut, Becky. How about you?”
“I’m fine.” This conversation was going nowhere fast. Why couldn’t Rebecca think of anything important or even witty to say?
“I hear you’re helping Lena out. That’s very nice of you.”
“I’m glad I can help out.” She almost said, I can be nice, but she snatched those words back before they fell off her tongue. How was she going to find out if Grace was courting anyone? Lena didn’t know, and Rebecca couldn’t just ask, especially since they hadn’t really been freinden. “Uh, are you going to the singing tonight?”
“I expect so. I usually go. How about you?”
“Nee. I-it wouldn’t be right.” Rebecca’s voice dropped to a barely audible level. Surely Grace had heard all about her predicament.
“Everything will be okay, Becky.” Grace briefly patted Rebecca’s arm.
“I hope so.” Rebecca had to figure out how to steer the conversation back around to the singing and whether Grace was likely to be leaving with a special bu, but she didn’t get the chance before Grace’s little schweschder tugged on her arm and momentarily diverted her attention.
“Hi, Becky.”
Rebecca’s heart somersaulted at the sound of Atlee’s voice. “Hi, Atlee.”
“I think the wind has died down enough for a short walk, if you’re game. We don’t have to go far.”
Rebecca would love to walk and talk with Atlee if circumstances were different. But she had to think of what was best for Atlee, and that certainly was not her. She had to give plan B a shot right now. She may never get another opportunity. “Maybe Grace would like to kumm along with us. What do you say, Grace?”
Grace’s look of surprise rivaled Atlee’s. Neither seemed to know what to say. Rebecca turned what she knew for sure was a pleading look in Grace’s direction.
“Uh, well, I guess so. If Atlee doesn’t mind,” Grace sputtered. A red stain crawled up her face, illuminating her freckles.
Poor Atlee. Rebecca had put him on the spot, and he was much too polite to hurt anyone’s feelings. He recovered well from the shock. Rebecca had to hand him that. “Well, sure,” he replied. “It’s not every day I can accompany two young ladies on a walk.”
* * *
What in the world was going on in Becky’s head? Atlee followed both girls outside, trying to figure out how to start a conversation. With just Becky, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but how did he address the two of them? Why did Becky invite Grace along anyway? Didn’t she want to spend time with him?
“Brrr! It’s cold even if the wind has died down.” Grace pulled heavy wool gloves from a pocket and thrust her hands into them.
Maybe she’d be too cold and want to go back inside. That isn’t very nice, Atlee chastised himself. But he had set his heart on spending a little time with Becky, and now that hope had been quashed.
“It is cold, but it’s invigorating.” It seemed to Atlee that Becky’s exuberance was a bit forced.
“As thin as you are, you should be freezing, Becky. I’ve got lots more meat on my bones, and I’m shivering like the last leaf on a tree in a November wind.”
Becky elbowed Grace. “I’m not that skinny.”
“Not as skinny as Lena, for sure and for certain, but almost.”
Becky heaved an exaggerated sigh. “Well, walk faster, then. You’ll generate more heat. Atlee won’t have trouble keeping up, with his long legs.”
They picked up the pace and continued in a rather uncomfortable silence. Atlee wasn’t sure how much more he could endure. They’d exhausted the topic of the weather, and he honestly hadn’t been able to think of anything else to discuss.
“It’s not working, Becky. I’m freezing. You two can keep up this arctic walk, but I’m going back.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Grace spun around and darted back to the relative warmth of the barn. Becky stared after her.
“Do you want to keep walking, Becky, or are you too cold?”
“I’m okay for a little longer.”
Atlee wanted to reach over to take Becky’s hand, but he didn’t dare. She seemed a bit skittish today, not quite herself.
“Grace is a really nice girl, ain’t so?” The words burst from Becky’s mouth as if under their own power.
“Jah, I suppose so. I don’t know her all that well. She was in school with you and Malinda, so I didn’t talk to her much.”
“You mean we were little kinner so you couldn’t bother to pay attention to us.” Becky playfully punched his arm.
Atlee’s eyes slid down to capture Becky’s beautiful green eyes. Her smile did crazy things to his heart. It galloped out of control like a horse eager to race home to its oats. This teasing, smiling girl was the Becky he had kumm to know and . . . what? He’d better call that foreign emotion back right now. “You’re probably right.” He tugged a string of her bonnet, untying the bow. “I was too busy playing ball and thinking about fishing to talk to little girls. Even pretty little girls.”
Becky punched him again and quickly retied her bonnet. Atlee thought her pink-stained cheeks looked adorable. Suddenly she switched gears and even shifted over to put a little more distance between them. “So what do you think about Grace? She’s cute as well as nice, jah?”
Atlee shook his head slightly. Why all the talk about Grace? “I told you. I never paid much attention to Grace.”
“Maybe you should.”
“And why is that?”
“Well, you said earlier she was nice.”
“I said I supposed she was nice and that I didn’t really know her.”
“You could change that. You could get to know her.”
“I think my relationship with Grace is just fine the way it is. She’s an acquaintance. We speak when in each other’s presence. We’re polite. End of story. Why are we discussing Grace, anyway?”
“Um, she’s a nice person, and you’re a nice person, so I thought . . .”
“You thought you’d try to play matchmaker. I don’t need a matchmaker.”
“You told me before you had changed and were ready to settle down, but you aren’t courting anyone.”
“Yet.”
“Do you mean you have someone in mind but just haven’t started courting yet?”
He had someone in mind all right. “Could be.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.
“Atlee! You’ve been holding out on me. You say we’re freinden but you haven’t confided in me, and here I’m trying to help you.” She poked out her lower lip in a pout.
Atlee threw back his head and laughed. “You’re pretty cute yourself when you get your feathers ruffled.”
Becky impishly wrinkled her nose at him. “Who is she?”
“Huh?”
“This mystery girl you’re considering courting?”
Now Atlee did snatch Becky’s hand. “I said I had someone in mind. I don’t know how she would feel about the whole idea.”
“She doesn’t know you’re interested in her?”
“I think deep down she knows. But she’s resisting or not ready or maybe even denying her feelings.” He squeezed her hand and shot her what he hoped was a meaningful look. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, hol
d her close, and tell her outright that she was the girl. He wanted to say he wanted to protect her, to help her, to love her and her boppli. Of course, he could say none of these words.
As if realization had suddenly dawned, Becky’s mouth opened in an O and all color drained from her face. She slid her hand from his. “I think we’d better go back. Grace was right. It is pretty cold out here.” She turned abruptly and sped back toward the barn, nearly at a trot.
“Wait up, Becky!”
Chapter Eighteen
That did not go as she had imagined it would. So much for plan B. Why was it things sounded so perfect, so easy, and so doable in the mind but turned out the complete opposite in reality? Of course it didn’t help that she enjoyed Atlee’s company so much. If things were different—but they weren’t. The boppli growing inside her was what was real.
Rebecca’s breath came out in pants so loud she couldn’t hear if Atlee’s footsteps were growing closer. And she didn’t dare turn around. That would make it look like she wanted him to catch up with her. She did. She didn’t. She couldn’t. Ach! Life could be so frustrating. Maybe Lena would be ready to leave by now. She surely hoped so.
Rebecca pulled open the back door of the Yoders’ house. Most likely Lena would have gone inside, where she’d be warmer and more comfortable. She heard voices from the kitchen—a variety of women’s voices, actually. The married women must have all stayed in the house after cleaning up.
She slipped into the kitchen and scanned the room for Lena. With everyone wearing a blue or purple or green dress, sometimes locating the right person could take a moment. There she was sitting on a kitchen chair pulled close to the stove. A big feather pillow was stuffed behind her back, and her feet were resting on a low stool. At least she looked fairly comfortable, judging from her posture. Rebecca would have to see if her face had a pinched or relaxed look to know for sure.
She’d learned the meanings behind Lena’s facial expressions during the relatively short time she’d lived in the Troyer household. When Lena bit her lower lip, she was giving serious thought to some matter. When her brow wrinkled, she was worried about something. When that haunted look crept across her face, she was thinking of Joseph. When she had a combination of the three, as she did right now, she wasn’t feeling well.
The Reconciliation Page 11
