“Won’t you stay just a little longer?” he said.
“I wish I could, but I would be neglecting my responsibilities to my top client, and he deserves the best representation I can offer,” I said. “Dahlia, if you’d like to stay…”
“No, I’m coming with you. I’m definitely coming with you.”
We said our good nights, and when we were out of Sven’s hearing, Dahlia hooked her arm through mine and said, “I’m coming with you because, OMG, you need to tell me more about Sventastic! He looks like a model for German luxury cars, and he was totally giving you the hairy eyeball!”
“One, so I wasn’t imagining that? Two, ugh, hairy eyeball sounds like something Rodney hacks up, so please refrain from saying that again about my future honey. And, three, do you think he was being a European fancy-man on the make, or do you think he actually was into me as a human being?” I turned to her and was saying “I mean, was he into me into me,” as I walked smack into a solid wall of something. A man-shaped wall of something. To be precise, an Ellis C. Quintal IV-shaped wall of something that was, in fact, Ellis C. Quintal IV.
Amber Hammerhead was beside him and she smeered, “Try to have a little decorum about drinking in public, Jennifer.”
She caught me off-guard because I could feel a fizz of champagne and I had bashed into Ellis. He was looking at me with that crazy spark of mischief, so I said, “Excuse me. I wasn’t looking.”
“Obviously,” she said, and that is when I realized that she would always say this to me in the same nasty tone for the rest of eternity. I could see us both on the Supreme Court, me with a sensible gray bob and comfortable black muumuu and her with sleek golden locks and a tailored silk robe, and she’d be sniping “Obviously, Justice Jennifer!” and one of the men Supremes would say “Meow!” with a clawing motion of his gnarled hand, and the rest of them would fall down in hysterics.
Dahlia studied Amber with the same disgusted fascination with which most people looked at Rodney. Then Dahlia saw Ellis and her expression turned flirty. “Hi,” she said to Ellis. “Too bad we’re just leaving. I know who you are and I’m Dahlia Arras. An easy way to remember is Dahlia Ar-ass, rhymes with bare-ass. I know you like rhymes!”
“Absolutely,” he said with a smirk. “Some names rhyme better than others. Ellis doesn’t rhyme with anything, and Amber rhymes with, hmm… nothing either.”
“We’re just leaving,” I said. “Enjoy yourselves.”
Once we were outside, feeling the cold air hit our warm skin, Dahlia said, “Was that the evil hammerhead!?”
“Yes, obviously.”
“OMG, Jen, Ellis is still smoking hot! I think she must have brainwashed him. You’ll have to kidnap him and have him deprogrammed. I’ve got handcuffs and do you know anyone who has a van?”
“I would rent one, but kidnapping would get me disbarred.”
“So you have thought of it?”
“Obviously! But only as an act of hostility to the hammerhead. Need I remind you that Ellis never ever phoned me after our date—okay, our drunken hookup—and he broke my heart?”
“You are not as delicate emotionally as you think you are, Jen. You just need to be a little more confident,” she said, about to launch into her empower-yourself speech, which I could recite verbatim.
Suddenly a phalanx of black Hummers roared down the street. Everyone watched, thinking that someone famous had arrived, and men began swarming out of the cars. They were dressed in black with black masks and heavy boots. I spotted two with Kalashnikovs, and others had sidearms.
“Holy—!” Dahlia said, but I’d already grabbed her hand and yanked her with me and around the back of the building, where one light fixture illuminated the kitchen door and trash bins. We could hear shouting and screams.
I turned her to face me, and I said, “Dahlia, I trust you completely, but I need to know right now if you want to deal with a life-or-death secret about me. I never wanted to burden you with it, and it’s totally your choice. Say no and run away until you’re far from here.”
“No way am I going to leave you! I’ll always have your back, Jen. No matter what horrible thing you’ve done. Give me the shovel and I’ll help bury the body. Or bodies, whatever. I’m your girl.”
“That’s a good thing to know, but it’s not that bad.” I checked to make sure no one was around and then I peeled off my dress, revealing a fuchsia-and-gold bodysuit beneath, and kicked off my heels. I shoved my clothes and shoes in my tote bag and pulled out a pair of gold pumps while Dahlia watched wide-eyed.
I said, “Whatever you see, do not freak out. You’re going to be safe, okay?”
She nodded, and I felt a deep sense of gratitude and affection for the marvelous and crazy little bitch.
And then I shifted.
The feeling was incredible. My ooky feelings dissolved as my body took on solid muscle mass and bodacious curves, and my skin bloomed vivid green.
Shulky shook out her luxurious green-black hair and slid her feet into the shoes. “Stay here, cupcake! I’ll come back for you, but stay here,” she said to my stunned friend, who crouched behind a trash can.
Shulky didn’t have time for niceties, not that she ever saw the need for them. She tore open the heavy steel back door and stepped into the kitchen. Pots still simmered on the commercial range, and abandoned platters of food covered the counters. Since the catering staff hadn’t run out the back door, Shulky thought they must be hiding downstairs in the VIP rooms. If the attackers trapped people down there, bad things could happen.
She strode into the dark club, where the music had stopped and nervous shrieks and cries filled the air. The attackers were shoving the crowd to one side of the room, and Shulky hoped they weren’t planning execution-style slaughter. Everyone was so focused on the thugs that they didn’t notice the six-foot-seven jade Amazon back by the kitchen doors.
One of them, the leader, shouted to the guests, “Dr. Sven Morigi—come out! You cannot hide from us.”
Shulky spotted Sven trying to come forward, but Amber clung to him, holding him back, and clamping her hand over his mouth. He tried to free himself, but she held tight to her company’s new asset.
Some guests cowered under tables, and more than a few men hid behind their female dates, which Shulky thought was not very gallant. Two armed intruders swung their weapons around to demonstrate just how much of the crowd they could take out in a burst of fire.
Shulky’s M.O. was to dive directly into action, but she couldn’t with so many bystanders.
The leader looked at the huddled guests and shouted, “Sven Morigi! Show yourself or we’ll begin eliminating the obstacles!”
Then Ellis pushed people aside and shouted, “You can talk to me,” and he caught sight of Shulky by the kitchen doors and lifted one brow in subtle acknowledgment.
The leader looked at Ellis, confused. “You’re not Morigi.”
The brawny man stepped into the center of the dance floor and said, “No, Morigi’s over there!” He pointed away from the crowd and threw out something that burst into flames. The intruders were startled long enough for Shulky to vault to Ellis’s side.
“Wanna dance with me, baby?” Shulky purred to him.
Ellis said, “Thought you’d never ask, gorgeous,” just as the first assailant charged Shulky with a dagger.
Ellis ducked behind the assailant, and Shulky slapped the knife away and Three-Stooged him backward.
“Slowly I turn,” Ellis shouted.
“Good idea!” In one of her signature moves, she yanked the thug up by his ankles and swung him around like a club, laughing as he knocked over his comrades, one after another.
As the thugs stumbled, Ellis seized their knives, clubs, and handguns. He ordered the club guests “Keep back!” but they were already rushing out the front door, adding to the chaos.
I didn’t mind chaos because I’d learned that no one complained much about the damage Shulky caused when all hell broke loose.
A thug charged at Ellis’s back, but Ellis flipped him onto a table, which split in two.
Shulky noticed a huge ice luge and said to a rushing attacker, “I’ll take mine on the rocks, thank you very much!” She grabbed his forearms and squeezed them against his body. Then she lifted him and slammed him down the luge, sending him sliding to the floor with a shriek and a crash.
Ellis punched a thug in the nose. While the thug staggered back, Ellis clobbered him with a chair.
Shulky shrugged and said, “I’m guessing it’s too late to hug it out,” and then hurled the next attacker down the length of the long bar, laughing as he knocked over drinks and bottles. He flew off the end and smashed into the nearest wall.
The few remaining thugs scurried forward, but only to pick up their fallen comrades and carry them outside.
Shulky did a quick survey of the room to make sure all the guests were safe. She saw that Sven had freed himself from Amber’s clutches and was trying to calm a hysterical bartender.
Shulky’s eyes met Ellis’s shining brown ones. He was breathing hard, and he gazed at her with wonder and excitement. She stared at him for long seconds, a smile playing on her lips.
Then she heard sirens wailing in the distance.
Shulky raced out of the club, and just as quickly as they arrived, the Hummers were speeding away. She wanted to chase them, but the club guests and all the onlookers and paparazzi clustered around her, grabbing at her and shouting, “She-Hulk! She-Hulk! She-Hulk!”
Cameras clicked and lights flashed.
Ellis joined her outside, with Amber trailing behind him. She looked small and had gotten grimy in the commotion.
But Ellis looked sexier than ever. Shulky ruffled his thick hair and said, “Thanks for the assist,” in a throaty voice as she moved close to him.
“Anytime,” he said in that gravelly voice.
“I’ll take you up on that. I’ll take you up on anything, playboy.” She leaned toward him so that her nose was close to his neck, and she inhaled his scent. Nice—warm and manly. Ellis was so astonished he just stood there.
Shulky noticed Amber glaring at her. She gave the hammerhead a contemptuous look and said, “Beat it, pipsqueak. This is for grown-ups.”
Shulky wrapped her arm around Ellis’s waist and pulled him to her so that their hips crushed against each other, and I was thinking OMG!, and then she gave him a kiss that was so deep and long that it took all the air out of his lungs.
The fight and the sense of shared victory excited her, but She-Hulk and I both felt something else with Ellis. Maybe it was just my bittersweet memory of his taste, his scent, his touch, because she seemed almost melancholy as she broke from him. Amber grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the Jade Goddess.
I was a little a lot seriously FREAKED out. Because Ellis had kissed Shulky back, and I felt jealous in a hurt way. I was used to being envious of her, but this was different, as if she’d betrayed our friendship.
Then everyone began yelling as squad cars screeched to a stop outside the club, their lights turning everyone but Shulky red.
As she waited for Sergeant Patty to get out of the lead car, she glanced back and saw Dr. Sven Morigi in the doorway of the club, watching her with admiration. Shulky thought he was awfully pretty and she winked at him.
“Hey, Shulky,” said Patty as she came forward with a frown. “What went down here?”
The women moved away from the crowd, and Shulky told Patty about the fight.
“Were you in the club when they invaded?” Patty asked.
“I was down the street and coming here when I saw the Hummers pull up. They were already inside when I entered through the kitchen,” She-Hulk said. “You should talk to Dr. Sven Morigi, the Eurosexual eye candy by the door. They were calling for him and he might know who they were.”
“Do you think they were goddamn regular humans?”
“They bounced off the walls like regular humans,” Shulky said, with a grin. “It wasn’t a real contest, but I had help from that big hunk o’ man who’s down the sidewalk with that nasty curdled-milk peewee.”
Patty snickered. “Not everyone can have your stature, Shulky. Okay, I’ll see what I can find out. Nice coincidence that you were here.”
“Sugar, it’s never a coincidence that I’m at a partay. Make sure Morigi gets protection. Those men weren’t superhuman, but they’re not amateurs either.”
“I’ll get on that right away. Just FYI, we haven’t had any leads on Superbrat. Have you heard anything?”
“If I had, you’d know it. Till next time, Pattycakes.”
People were now coming close and asking, “Shulky, are you staying?” and “Are you coming back inside?” and “You’re so hot! Can I buy you a drink?” but she remembered that Dahlia was waiting and probably scared.
Shulky asked Patty to send a copy of her report to Ruth, and then she waved to everyone and said, “Go on inside and have fun!”
Once the crowd had hurried into Club Nice, assuming that Shulky would join them, she raced off into the night, making a series of turns to throw off anyone following her, before returning to the back entrance of the club.
11:30 P.M.
She-Hulk called softly, “It’s me. You’re safe and can come out now, sugarplum. They’re gone.” She leaned down to take Dahlia’s small hand.
Dahlia was trembling and her eyes were wide.
“You’re speechless. I have that effect.” Shulky grinned. “Let me change into someone more uncomfortable.” And I thought, You’re hilarious, Shulky, and then she shifted into me.
I was standing in the skimpy bodysuit and huge shoes. I flapped my arms to warm them. “Wow, it’s really cold.”
Dahlia continued to stare with those wild violet contact lenses as she handed me my dress, shoes, and coat.
“Thanks, D.” I quickly slipped on the clothes, changed shoes, and said, “Let’s get out of here.”
We’d gone two blocks and the only sound was our heels clattering on the pavement. Finally I said, “The silence is very peaceful, but I think I almost miss you talking. Almost.”
She stopped and gripped my arm and then opened her mouth, shut it, opened it again, and said, “OMG, you’re She-Hulk!”
“I’m me. She-Hulk is She-Hulk.”
“A, how could you have kept this from me all this time? B, why didn’t you tell me before? C, were you Shulky when we were roommates? And, D, OMG, I’m besties with a superhero!”
“One, it’s been agony keeping my secret from you. Two, I didn’t want you to know because I wanted to keep you safe from the villains who are part of Shulky’s life. Three, I was contaminated by gamma radiation after law school and I’ll tell you more in a warmer place. Four, there are things I can’t tell you because they’ll compromise others’ privacy. Most of us aren’t like Tony, public with our alternate identities.” I couldn’t tell her that I was given the contaminated blood by my cousin because he was really protective of his life as a chemistry teacher. “And, five, Shulky’s best friend is whoever is around to party, but you are my best friend. Is that okay?”
“I think I can manage being BFFs with a famous attorney who’s also a notorious groupie.”
That made me happy because most people glom on to Shulky; maybe I’d always been afraid of losing Dahlia to her.
D was quiet again before saying, “I have so many questions that they’ve made a traffic jam of epic proportions in my brain.”
“Let’s grab a cab and go to your place. We’ll make a pot of tea and I’ll tell you and Rodney the general outline of my life, including what happened at the club tonight.”
So that’s what we did. I’ve never seen her as quiet and thoughtful as she was while I recited my story. She did ask, “Who gave you the gamma-radiated transfusion when you got hurt?”
“An associate who had it on hand. I’m not at liberty to say any more.”
“It’s horrible that the people who shot your mother almost killed you, too.”
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“Yes, it is.”
“But you took your mother’s murder with such… maturity isn’t the right word and neither is calmness. You held it all in.”
“Let’s not get sidetracked by that.” Two hours later, when we were discussing the night’s events, she said, “Do you think that the attackers intended to keep Sven from testifying against ReplaceMax?”
“I always advise my clients, never jump to conclusions. The most apparent answer is not always the right one and you might miss the truth if you’re only looking for reasons to support your thesis.”
“So what you’re saying is that yes, you think so.” She poured the last of the tea, now cold, into our cups. “You macked on Ellis Tesla again after all these years.”
“Shulky macked on him, but she’s very affectionate,” I said. “He still carries flash paper in his pocket.”
“He’s got a rocket in his pocket,” she said with a grin. “He’s still Ellis Tesla under the thin gloss of a civilized man. From now on, this date shall be known as the Night of the Smexy Men. I wish I could have seen you both fighting the baddies.”
“I’m sure Ellis acted to protect Amber. I didn’t fight, Shulky did.”
“You keep making that distinction between you and She-Hulk.”
“Because we are different people, or entities, or personas. When she takes over, I’m inside there, but only as an observer.”
Dahlia suddenly laughed and said, “Well, that solves one mystery. I always thought that those sex vixen outfits you hide away were for a secret double life as a dominatrix. I was sad that you were not very good at it, because I didn’t see any extra income.”
I laughed, too. “D, if I was a dominatrix, I would dress more modestly than Shulky. Look, I have to call in a report to Ruth at the Mansion and then I’ve got to crash. Write down any questions you have about She-Hulk and me, and we’ll have dinner and I’ll answer as many as I can. Okay?”
“Just one last question! That kiss with Ellis—what did you feel?”
The She-Hulk Diaries Page 14
