I make sure to grab our bags out of the trunk first and then hurry up the front walk to unlock the door. Quickly, I drop them on the floor, flip on the lights, and head back outside to get my girl. I slip my arm underneath her knees and around her back. My first thought as I cradle her in my arms is: she’s home. With me—where she belongs.
After closing both car doors with my foot—since Cody decided to join us—I carry Lyra straightaway into our bedroom. I gently lay her down on the bed and then... I’m not quite sure what to do next. Do I let her sleep in her clothes? Or do I attempt to put on her pajamas? She makes the decision for me when she rolls onto her side and curls up into a little ball. Lyra must be cold, so I grab the spare blanket out of the closet and cover her up. Then I carefully sit down on the edge of the bed, and spend some quality time just drinking her in. I spent four excruciating months wondering if she were dead or alive. Now that she’s here, I’m never letting her out of my sight. Ever. Wherever she goes, I will be right by her side.
Lyra promised to call her parents as soon as we arrived. By the looks of it, that’s not a happening thing tonight. I’d better call them so they don’t worry.
“Gage, is something wrong?” I knew that’s what they’d think as soon as they noticed my number pop up instead of hers.
“No, everything’s fine. She’s just exhausted. In fact, she fell asleep on the way home and I didn’t have the heart to wake her up. I just wanted to let you know we arrived safely.”
“Well, we’re glad you called. Thank you, Gage. Did she say why she felt the need to leave so early?”
“Lyra just wants to be normal again. And I’m going to do my damnedest to give it to her, Grant. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but we’ll get there.” Or I’ll die trying.
Chapter Eighteen
Lyra
I thought I had it all figured out. I’d go home, get my old job back, and Gage and I would pick up where we left off. By taking one day at a time. Well, apparently that’s not going to happen now. My mind’s spinning out of control.
“He’s not dead, Lyra. They never found his body.”
Ryker’s not dead... He’s alive...
How am I expected to handle this information? Especially since I spent the last month grieving for a man I thought to be dead. Only to find out he’s very much alive. Now I feel my heart being torn apart once again. Because I can honestly say that I’m irrevocably in love with two men. God, I wish Cole would have just kept his damn mouth shut! No, I take that back. I do. I’m just tired and confused. It’s too much, too soon.
Since I’m alone, I sit up in bed and press my sore back against the headboard. Then I wrap my arms around my legs and hug them tightly against my chest. I take a few deep breaths before trying to sort it all out. And when I do, I’m as giddy as a school girl. Just knowing Ryker’s still walking around somewhere on this planet. Breathing the same air that I breathe. It makes me feel euphoric! Over the moon! So much so, that I’m hoping and praying that one day we’ll meet again.
I startle when the bedroom door suddenly swings open. Gage stands tentatively in the doorway, cautious and guarded. I don’t blame him. I’ve been such a bitch lately. And my sweet, sweet boy keeps coming back for more. If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is. “I’m awake. Come on in.” I hate it when he nervously runs his fingers through his hair. Gage is walking on eggshells in his own home because of me. And it sucks!
“I unpacked your bag, but I wasn’t quite sure what you wanted me to do with these.” When he strides into the room and opens up my top drawer, I flinch. I already know what he’s holding in his hands before he even turns around.
My journals.
“Did you read them, Gage?” My heart’s racing as I watch his throat constrict.
“No. God knows I wanted to. But I didn’t because I was afraid of what I might find. Tell me I’m wrong, Lyra.” When I don’t answer, he shakes his head in disgust. He feels betrayed and I don’t blame him. He’s right. I don’t want him to read them.
“Gage, you have to try and understand... ”
“I’m trying, Lyra. I really am. Especially since you haven’t written a damn word in years. It makes me curious, y’know?” I want to say, “I know, I really do.” But I don’t say a word. Because I know he’s hurt and he’s angry. So now wouldn’t be the time.
I hold his gaze as I get out of bed and approach him. His manly scent reminds me of heaven and home all twisted together. So much so, that a wave of nostalgia brings tears to my eyes. I love this man. I really do.
When I wrap my arms around his waist, he relaxes. Then a few heartbeats later, he envelops me in his arms. “You’re the reason I haven’t had to write anything for the last few years, Gage. You don’t expect anything more than I’m willing to give. I’m safe with you. But when I was at the cabin, I needed to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Otherwise, I would have lost it. Those journals were cathartic for me. They were necessary for my survival. I don’t want you to read them until we’ve had a chance to talk.”
“Well, I’m here now and I’m listening.” Before I can speak, his warm hands land on my cheeks. “Nothing. I repeat, nothing, would ever make me stop loving you. I can handle whatever it is you need to tell me. Okay?”
When his thumbs glide across the crest of my cheeks, I whisper, “Okay,” just as his mouth captures mine. And then everything else fades away. My kidnapping. The cabin. Ryker. I’m concentrating on the man who’s held my heart captive. Gage has always been my safety net when I was afraid of falling. He never once gave up on me. He waited for me for months, while the man I’d fallen in love with made his dramatic escape. So as far as I’m concerned, Ryker made his choice. Now I’m making mine. End of story.
All I taste is freedom with every stroke of Gage’s tongue, nip of his teeth and seal of his lips. Gage is finally taking back what’s his and I’m all too willing to oblige. Until a wave of guilt crashes through me like an unexpected tidal wave pulling me under. I need to tell him the truth. How I willingly slept with another man.
Suddenly, my hands are pushing up against his chest. Trying to sever our connection. “Gage, stop. I-I can’t do this. Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” When he takes a step back, I whimper. There’s so much pain and sadness in his brown-eyed gaze that I want to die. It’s as if he already knows what I’m about to say. “Jonathan had me convinced that we’d take our last breaths together. That I belonged to him since he saved my life. Gage, you have to believe me when I tell you I never thought in a million years I’d be standing here with you today... ”
“Stop. You did nothing wrong, Lyra. It was him. The monster raped you and led you to believe he was the only one responsible for your survival. I get it, I do. I don’t blame you... ”
“Gage, he never raped me. It was consensual.”
“What? I don’t believe you, Lyra. Not for a minute. You would never willingly sleep with another man. And you can stop defending him. He’s dead for fuck’s sake! Babe, it’s just you and me here. Please, just tell me the god’s honest truth.”
“Jonathan would go into town once a month to pick up supplies. While he was there he would make an appointment at The Pleasure Palace. I was afraid to be alone, Gage. You of all people know how much I hate it because of what happened. So I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. Me or The Pleasure Palace. He chose me... ”
Gage
I feel like Lyra just reached inside of my chest and plucked out my beating heart. Where it now sits in the palm of her hand. A bloody, lifeless mess. She just gutted me from head to toe without batting an eye.
He chose me.
Motherfucker!
I can’t believe she offered herself up to him on a silver platter. It must have been the ultimate power trip for him to have a beautiful woman to control. Always at the ready.
“Gage, please try to understand.”
Understand? I’m trying. I really am, but I can’t seem to get past the fact that she w
illingly slept with the man who held her hostage. ‘Willingly’ being the key word.
Jesus. H. Christ.
Normally I’m not a violent man, but I can feel the rage escalating inside of me. It’s so intense, I can almost taste it. So I run my fingers through my hair and yank. Maybe if I inflict enough pain on myself, I won’t verbally hurt the one I love.
“Gage, weren’t you the one who told me you could handle anything? That, no matter what, you would never stop loving me?”
Touché...
She’s absolutely right. As much as it hurts, I have to man the fuck up, take a deep breath and start all over. So I stop tugging on my hair and hold my palms out to her in surrender. What does she want from me?
“The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Gage. But I won’t lie to you about what happened at the cabin. Whether you accept it or not, that’s who I am now. Would it have been easier on everyone if Jonathan had left me to die?”
My heart shatters at the thought. Which is a good thing, right? Because it means it’s still beating inside of my chest and not a bloody, lifeless mess. It feels like an eternity passes before her small hands are grabbing the front of my shirt. Her tear-filled gaze fixed on mine. “It wasn’t. Was it, Gage?”
“No... ” I can no longer speak as I’m hurled into the past. Four months ago to be exact. One frantic phone call was all it took to split my world apart...
“Gage, please tell me Lyra missed her flight.”
“She hasn’t missed her flight, Grant. In fact, she just called to let me know she’d just picked up her rental and she’s heading to your house. Why? What’s wrong?”
“She never made it, Gage. She’s missing. And the bastards won’t let me file a missing persons report until it’s been twenty-four hours.”
“I’m going online to book a flight. In the meantime, fill out the damn paperwork as soon as you can.”
“All flights in and out have just been cancelled. We’re having a major fucking snowstorm up here. I’m afraid she was caught in the middle of it and we won’t be able to find her in time.”
“Grant, listen to me. I’m going to borrow my father’s SUV and I’ll be there as soon as I can. Have Mrs. Harper threaten to write an article for the newspaper about Lyra’s disappearance. That might give them an incentive to get their finger out of their asses. Do what you can on your end and keep in touch. We’ll get to the bottom of this or some fucking heads are going to roll...”
Unfortunately, it didn’t go down the way I planned. Maybe I shouldn’t have threatened each and every one of them. But I was pissed. Livid. Thank god Mr. Harper was able to file that missing persons report by the time I arrived. And Lyra’s face was now plastered on every newspaper, magazine, news broadcast and social media outlet imaginable. When the weather permitted, a few search parties were organized and Mr. Harper and I were up front and personal. But it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Since her phone was no longer working. The rental car was nowhere to be found. And every phone call they followed up on turned out to be a false lead. Hopeless. Now, we found ourselves back at square one.
Now, when I look into her dejected eyes, everything I went through seems so trivial now. I should be grateful instead of hateful. And I am. Starting right now, I’m going to put my Alpha-Male self aside. She slept with Jonathan Day. So what? Lyra did what she needed to do so she could find her way back to me. As far as I’m concerned, it’s time to write a new chapter.
“What I said earlier is true, Lyra. I could never stop loving you. No matter what. And I’m not angry. You did what you needed to do to survive. I get that. I really do. You want the truth? I’m angry at myself. I should’ve insisted on going to your parents’ home with you for Christmas. Then none of this would have happened.”
“Gage, stop it. In no way was this your fault. Besides, I was in South Carolina on a business trip. That’s the only reason I booked a direct flight to New York. It wouldn’t have made any sense to fly home just so you could go with me. Look, we can spend the rest of our lives feeling guilty about what happened. Believe me, I’ve done enough of that already to last me a lifetime. Or, we can put it all behind us and move on. What do you say? Can today be the first day of the rest of our lives?”
“I’d like that, babe.” When she seals the deal with her soft lips on mine, I’m complete. But I’m no fool. I know she’s still hiding something from me. What that something is, I haven’t a clue. I’m just hoping it won’t be the end of us.
Chapter Nineteen
Lyra
I’m longing to wash away all of my sins as I step inside the shower. After the way Gage looked at me, I feel dirty and tainted. It will be forever etched in my mind and embedded in my heart. I destroyed him. Nothing will ever be the same between us again. I can already feel it. The way he kisses me. Holds me. As far as Gage is concerned, love and trust go hand in hand and I just severed both. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s pushed me off of that pedestal he’d put me on so long ago.
Out of nowhere, tears as hot and scalding as the shower start clogging the drain. Drowning me. Suffocating me. Until I can barely breathe. Sinking to my knees, I clasp my arms tightly around my trembling frame. I then purge myself of everything that’s clawing its way out of my chest. And grieve for the life I once had and the choices I’ve made along the way.
Once I’ve finished showering, I throw on some clean clothes and follow my nose. Something smells wonderful. So imagine my surprise when I step inside the kitchen and my favorite breakfast is waiting for me. Blueberry pancakes with hot maple syrup and a pound of bacon. Okay, okay. Gage assured me it was only half a pound, but hey, he ate some of it too. Now I’m lounging around on the couch while he washes the dishes. Feeling just a tad spoiled and guilty as all hell. When Gage turns up the radio and I hear one of our songs, I quickly jump off the couch and wrap my arms around his waist. “Dance with me,” I whisper against the curve of his spine.
When he spins around and his wet hands press me against his chest, I exhale. Never realizing I was holding my breath to begin with. After everything I revealed to him earlier, I was skeptical about whether or not he’d want to dance with me. My doubts begin to melt away as Gage serenades me, while Ed Sheeran sings “Thinking Out Loud.” But my heart skips a beat when he croons, ‘will your mouth still remember the taste of my love,’ while we sway to the rhythm of the music. I know that verse is part of the lyrics, but the tone of his voice just breaks my heart. He’s being cautious and I don’t blame him.
We continue dancing, long after the song has ended. Neither one of us wanting to break the connection. A few months ago, I would have happily grabbed his hand and led him into the bedroom. Where we would have made love all afternoon and well into the evening. But after the conversation we just had, I wonder if he’ll ever want to be intimate with me again... now that he knows another man’s hands have been all over me. Inside of me. Gage startles me when he says, “What are you thinking, babe? Your heart’s racing and your cheeks are flushed.”
Oh God! He would hate me if he only knew. “I’m thinking about the little things, Gage, and how I will never take them for granted ever again.” When his fingertips graze the bottom of my chin, I tilt my head up to meet his gaze. And my breath catches when his long fingers comb through my hair before settling at my nape.
“What little things, Lyra?”
“The warmth of the sun as it touches my skin. Sleeping in my bed. Being able to use my own body wash and shampoo. Having the freedom to come and go as I please. I could spend forever telling you about all the little things. But that’s not important right now, being here with you is.” No words could be truer. Gage has my heart.
So much emotion washes over him in such a short period of time, I’m ready to bolt. Until his warm mouth captures mine and his tongue begins a very thorough search. My normally sweet boy is greedy and demanding as he claims me like never before. Our teeth clash, our pulses race as he nips and sucks until we’re both pa
nting with need. By the time we come up for air, I’m ready, willing and able. But when I feel him recoil, I back away immediately. Unshed tears begin to pool but I’ll be damned if I let them fall. “I’m so sorry, Gage. I don’t know what else I can possibly say to make it better.”
“I want you, Lyra. Don’t ever doubt it. I just need a little more time to wrap my head around all of this before I can make love to you. Okay?”
No. It’s not okay. But what other choice do I have? He’s hurt. And I’m the one who did this to him, so it’s up to me to fix it. I just don’t know what more I can possibly do. Other than giving him some space and time. They say time heals all wounds so I’ll have to sit back and wait. Hopefully, he’ll be able to get past this because if he can’t, we’re over. So much for the truth setting me free. In my situation, it reared its ugly head and bit me in the ass. Great!
“I hate to leave you alone but I need to finish up some things at work. Will you be okay?”
“I’m fine, Gage. Really, I am.” Liar liar pants on fire. The second he walks out the door I’m going to fold like a cheap lawn chair. “I’m going to make a few calls about getting my old job back. If not, then maybe they’ll have something else I can do at the library. I’m sure I have tons of e-mails and stuff I can catch up on. And I’d love to call Kennedy, but the last time I talked to her she said she’d be in London until the first of May. Other than that, I’ll just hang tight until you come home.” God, I sound so pathetic. Boring.
“You can visit with my mom while I’m at work if you don’t want to be alone here. I’m sure she’d love to see you.” Oh, hell to the no! The last thing I want to do is play twenty questions with his mom. I love her to death but I’m not quite ready for that either. To be honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m ready for anymore. The only thing I know is I feel like I’m falling, and I’m afraid Gage won’t be the one to catch me.
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