by Emma Pullar
And there’s something else. Somewhere I’ve been going in secret. Every time I climb back down the ladder I wonder if he’ll sense my guilt. If he’ll see I haven’t been telling him the whole truth. I can’t tell him. He wouldn’t understand.
When I reach the hideout entrance, I always check my surroundings before I climb down to make sure I’m not being watched. I never climb down all the way, I jump from the third to last step. Boots splashing into the small pool of rain water at the bottom.
‘Where’ve you been?’
The fire has dwindled and I can’t see Bunce’s facial expression, which is hidden in the gloom, but I can feel his stare, feel his cold eyes accusing me.
‘You know where I’ve been,’ I say, throwing the backpack down beside him.
‘You’ve been gone for hours, what’s taken you so long?’ he says, coolly.
I poke the fire with one of the larger sticks and add a few more twigs and small logs. Bunce’s sour face is illuminated, his dressings spotted with blood. I sit down next to him on the hard floor and reach for his arm. He pulls away from me.
‘It needs air to heal properly.’
‘You didn’t answer my question,’ he says, brows knitted.
I snatch his arm from him and start unravelling the loose dressings. He allows me to nurse him.
‘I have to stay out of sight,’ I lie. ‘There were more Mutil to dodge than usual.’ I try and sound casual but I can hear the lack of truth in my tone.
‘I see,’ he says, flames dancing on the glazed surface of his eyes.
‘See what?’ I say, irritated.
I hate these mind games. If he knows what I’ve been up to, then he should say it. I turn my attention to his wound. No sign of infection – the maggots worked. Hopefully with the air getting to it, it’ll start to scab over soon. No wincing, he’s obviously not in much pain. Bunce looks down at the wound and then up at me. His soft features twist.
‘It’s obvious you’re sneaking off to see him,’ he snaps, his lips purse as if angry with his mouth for forcing words through them.
‘Who?’ I ask, confused.
Bunce isn’t on to me. He really doesn’t know where I’ve been. He shakes his head and gives me the cold shoulder. I raise an eyebrow. What’s he talking about? Then it dawns on me.
‘Are you talking about Kian?’
‘I’m talking about Crow, the bird whisperer,’ he says, over his shoulder.
‘Kian is Crow!’
‘Kian is gone! Look what he did with those crows, he created a … a … crownado!’ Bunce stammers. ‘He’s dangerous and unstable. I don’t like you seeing that lunatic behind my back.’
‘Behind your back?’
I tug on his shoulder, he has no choice but to look at me.
‘You know how I feel about you,’ he says heatedly. ‘At least have the common decency to tell me you’re seeing him. I thought we were friends.’
‘Friends don’t tell each other who they can and can’t see, or is that another thing Morbs feel is justified?’
‘My race has nothing to do with this. Morbs are honest.’
‘Honest. Ha! You told a lie the very first time I met you, and look at all that bullshit you spouted out about the Mutil.’
‘Central fed us those lies, you know that, and I wasn’t telling big lies. Morbihan value honesty above all else.’
‘I value people,’ I say, angrily. ‘So, you think lies are fine as long as they’re not big ones?’ I’ve been visiting Tess, all right? Taking her food, like I always have. I promised I would protect her. I promised her mother.’
I clench my jaw, seething. Empathy swallows Bunce’s jealousy.
‘You can’t save her, Skyla,’ he says softly. ‘You can’t save everyone.’
‘I don’t want to save everyone,’ I snap. ‘Central can go fuck themselves.’
‘Well, you can’t save everyone who deserves saving. You couldn’t save your grandfather, you can’t save Tess and you can’t save me. The point is, it’s not your job to save the world.’
‘Well whose job is it then? Who’s going to stop this nightmare? You? Kian? I’m not trying to save the world, Bunce. The old world is lost. We need to rebuild civilisation. Save the city.’
‘Why? You hate this city.’
I’m suddenly lost for words. He’s right, I do hate this city.
‘There’s nowhere else to go. We’re trapped here. If there were other cities beyond the wall I’d leave, but there aren’t and I can’t go on living in this screwed-up system, it has to change. There’s no justice.’
Bunce holds his head in his hand.
‘No, there isn’t. Life has no justice system so why do you think we should live in a world of justice? Stop fighting, Sky. There’s nothing to fight for.’
‘Then there’s no point in any of it.’ I say, bitterly.
‘Of course, there is, there are some wonderful things to live for. Things worth enduring this fucked-up existence for.’
‘You’re starting to sound like Kian. The one person you hate.’
‘I don’t hate Crow. I hate that you love him and you don’t love me.’
My heart stings at the sight of Bunce’s sorrowful face. He’s right, I don’t love him, not the way he wants me to, and not the way he seems to love me, but he’s wrong about Kian. He’s my best friend, not my boyfriend. I care what happens to Bunce, I do. That’s a kind of love, isn’t it?
‘If I didn’t care about you,’ I say, ‘I’d have told Kian to leave you in Rock Vault to rot.’
‘You used me. You only allowed me to tag along so you could feed me the serum and change your life.’
‘Things are different now.’
‘Are they?’ Bunce says, sarcastically. ‘I thought you were beginning to like me, that maybe we could be …’ he blushes, ‘more than friends.’
‘I ...’
Bunce talks over me.
‘But now you know there is no cure for me, that I’ll eventually be hover-chair bound, you’ve stopped yourself from getting too close, from ever falling in love with me. You’ve shut me out.’
I’m speechless. I try to respond.
‘That’s not true …’
‘Yes, it is!’ he yells. ‘And who could blame you? I’ll never be the man you want. Even if you could love me, you hate Morbs.’
‘But I don’t hate you, Bunce,’ I say.
My lip trembles as I realise what he’s saying, who he thinks I am. I’ve always thought of myself as a crusader for the poor and repressed. A truth-seeker, a believer in justice but I’m not. If the Skels suddenly switched places with the Morbs, would I care about the Morb’s plight? Would I bother to seek justice for them? I want to cure Bunce, not just for my own selfish needs any more, for him too, but do I care about the rest of them? I swallow hard. Bunce is right, I’m a hypocrite.
Shadow is cast over me as Bunce gets to his feet and reaches for his backpack.
‘Wait, where are you going?’
‘Home. Where I belong,’ he says, bitterly.
‘Don’t go,’ the words fall from my lips. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
Bunce drops the backpack and kneels down in front of me. His ocean blue eyes crash waves of passion into mine. I don’t want him to go but I can’t tell him I love him.
I cup his face with my hands, his skin soft under my fingers. I do feel something more intense than friendship alone. I dust my thumb across his lips, he closes his eyes and I replace my thumb with my mouth. He pulls back, staring at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. I half-smile and he doesn’t hesitate, he leans forward and his hand reaches behind my head. He kisses me like it’s his last dying wish. I return the passion, tasting his lips the way I’d savour a ripe strawberry. I feel his longing, his need, his desire. It penetrates my heart and a tear escapes and runs down my face. Everything is lost yet I’m happy in this moment, in his arms. My mind empties, nothing matters but his touch, nothing is real except our entwined bodies. Th
e world drops away along with my clothes.
Bunce’s hands are warm. He slides his soft fingers nervously up the inside of my thigh and towards the crease of my leg. My body tingles with anticipation. It’s been so long. I need this. I slip my tongue past his lips and between my legs he slips his fingers up and past mine, thick, warm, and now wet and rhythmic. My nipples harden. We’re going to do this. I’ll be his first. Can I do that and walk away? I care for him but I honestly don’t know if I could ever love him. What is he expecting of me? My thoughts evaporate with his movement, a tingle across my right nipple as he gently sucks and kisses, his fingers tracing the other one. I arch my back. How has he never done this before?
His kisses move down my stomach and I suck in air through my teeth. Bunce’s hands glide over my legs, parting them. I run my fingers through his hair, grab a handful, and squeeze my breast with the other hand. His breath is hot, his tongue soft and his lips touch all the right places. Shock waves ripple through me and I moan with pleasure. Who is this guy and where’s Bunce? I gently tug his head up by the hair, he smiles, moves up over me, leans in and kisses my neck. I push him over onto his back and launch my body up onto his. He gazes up at me, his eyes filled with I love you.
He’s lovesick, I might end up hurting him. Should I be his first? He’s not mine, my first was five years ago and there’ve been a few since then. He wants me to, even though I’m not of his people, even though he knows how I feel about the Morbihan, he wants this. He may never get another chance and I need the release.
I slowly lower myself onto him, and he closes his eyes. I lean on his chest lightly enough that my movement gently rubs my nipples over his bare skin. I start to grind. I kiss him, his neck, his ears, his shoulders, his lips. He’s deep inside me, hard, strong. The excitement grows. I move faster, throw my head back and moan, scream his name as climax comes to take me. It’s coming, it’s close, I’m coming, I’m coming! Bunce groans, and shivers, his hands clasp my buttocks, pushing me to move faster still. Yes! I follow his lead, faster, faster … My thoughts escape into words.
‘Bunce … I’m coming …’
Bunce answers.
‘Sky, oh … Skyla!’
I feel it, the hot explosion. I slow down, smooth, gentle, from a gallop to a trot. I freeze, eyes wide.
That sound.
The siren, they’ve found us!
28
A Cold Stone for a Heart
‘Bunce, come on!’
‘I can’t run as fast as you, slow down!’
I tear through the tree line, dicing with death. I don’t lead Bunce further into the trees, instead we stay at the edge of danger. If we run across the open grass the guards will see us, but in the thick of the trees, the Mutil will snatch us. We run down the fine line between two enemies. I stumble and slip on something smooth beneath my feet. I roll over on my ankle, tripping on fallen branches. I manage to keep my balance and look down, not branches, bones! Strips of moonlight reveal skulls and tibia and ribs. Bunce shouts, ‘gross!’ I keep running, my boots crunch and slip on the collection of skeletons scattered around the tree roots. I’m glad I didn’t venture this way while out looking for food and water.
The siren has stopped; its wail not enough to disturb the wildlife but the marching rumble of the guards’ approach is. The ground vibrations push crowds of crows from their perch, they fly to safety. I duck into a moonlit shadow. Bunce is a few feet behind me. He clings to a tree.
‘Skyla, there’s nowhere to run,’ he pants, ‘we might as well give ourselves up!’
‘You might as well, they’ll execute me.’
‘Not if I say I forced you to help me escape or something, maybe they’ll be lenient.’
‘I killed three guards in The Spiral. Not to mention the two we maimed at the front doors.’
‘We can tell them it was self-defence, right?’
I sigh. Has Bunce learned nothing after all he’s witnessed? Why does he think I’ll be treated the same as him? He’s seen for himself that we aren’t equal, yet deep down he still believes the system works.
‘I’m going to the wall.’ I say.
‘The wall? Why?’
‘There’s an ingredient in the desert that I need to make more serum.’
‘What ingredient?’
‘I don’t know, Bins said people died to bring it to the city.’
‘So, let me get this straight in my head,’ Bunce says in a patronising tone, ‘you want to go into the desert, to find an ingredient to make more serum, but you don’t know what the ingredient is, where to find it, or how to make the cure?’
‘Yes, but …’
‘And you say people died to bring it to the city?’
‘I know but what else can we do? If we go to the wall, maybe there’ll be a clue, we could torture information out of one of the watch guards, I don’t know! It’s better than sitting around waiting to be caught, isn’t it?’
‘No, Sky. It’s a horrible idea.’ Bunce kicks a skull to one side and almost trips over it.
‘Any better ideas?’ I ask.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘How about we shoot each other in the face.’
‘Don’t joke.’
‘I’m not! That’s a much better plan than yours. This way we die without suffering, dehydration, and starvation first.’
Boots thud past and Bunce disappears behind a tree. I shrink back too. When I’m sure the guards are far enough away, I move off, beckoning for Bunce to follow.
‘I’m going into the desert. I’m doing it. End of,’ I say.
‘Da fuck you will!’
I look round at Bunce. Confident smile. Twinkle in his eye. I can’t help but laugh at the use of Don’s words and the Skel accent he put on.
‘Using me dead uncle’s words now, are ya.’
Cara stands before us, hands on bony hips. Ripped shorts, so short they could be mistaken for knickers, her black shirt is missing some buttons, tied up at the waist with a three-string woven belt.
‘Why you in ‘ere? Don’t ya know this is Mutil territory?’
Framed by curls, Cara’s eyes show no sign of guilt. I smile sweetly, and jab my fist hard into her face.
‘Damn, Skyla!’ Cara yells, cradling her swelling cheek. ‘What the fuck?’
Bunce rushes to Cara’s aid, but she pushes him away and approaches me.
‘Is this about losing ya little friend, Tess? I’ve been looking for her for days, I ’aven’t stopped, and this is ’ow you repay me! I should snap ya fucking neck!’
‘You shouldn’t have let her out of your sight!’ I yell.
‘Ssssseye.’
‘What was that?’
Bunce spins around.
‘Sssseye, ssseye.’
The voice slithers through the darkness, crawls around the bark, and shuffles through the leaves. Flash of red hair. A small frame darts out and back into the shadows.
‘Tess. Come out,’ I say.
‘Tess?’ Bunce says, backing away.
‘Tess, you shouldn’t ’ave run off like that, I’m glad you’re okay …’ Cara trails off as the small girl steps into the light. Tess’s mouth is closed, hiding her pointed teeth. The two moons light up the young girl’s brown skin, freckles flecked across her nose and cheeks, she almost looks like the same little Tess, her mismatched eyes the only discrepancy. She wants more food. I don’t have any. I left it all back at the den in my haste to get away. She doesn’t like the fruit but she eats it. I kneel down and take her hands.
‘Don’t touch it! Are you crazy?’ Bunce squawks.
‘Shut up, Bunce!’ I snap.
I can’t let him spook her. She’s been accepting food from me for days. I’ve earned her trust. Cara doesn’t say a word.
‘I don’t have any food right now. You’ll have to climb the fruit tree. Okay?’
‘Ssseye. Seye.’
She doesn’t understand. She keeps repeating my name. I meant to show her how to feed herself. I was going to these next few
days.
‘Listen, Tess,’ I coo, pulling her closer. I lean forward and the handgun drops from my bra strap onto the bone littered ground. I don’t pick it up. Sudden movements scare Tess. ‘You have to go get fruit from the trees.’
I point behind me. She turns and looks to where I’m pointing and then stares back at me with a blank expression.
‘Sky, stop this,’ says Bunce impatiently. ‘We have to go.’
I ignore him and smile warmly at the helpless little girl I swore to protect. Tess reaches her small arms around my neck. I close my eyes and embrace her. My lip quivers. Eyes open again, Bunce is striding away. Cara follows him, but glances back at me, worried. Yank at my ponytail.
‘Ouch!’
I pull away.
‘Tess, you’re hurting me!’
I reach up and try to prise her small fingers apart. I peel one back and it clamps back down. She won’t let go of my hair. She growls. Jagged teeth sink into my neck. I howl in pain, my heart racing.
‘Stop! Tess, stop it!’
This time she means to kill me. Why is she doing this? I search the ground around me, my fingers touch slimy things, hard things, who knows what; all the while I’m still trying to prise her off with my other hand. The pain. The PAIN! My fingers find the gun, I bring my arm up, place the barrel to her head and squeeze the trigger.
BANG!
Her blood and brains splatter the side of my face and I taste her exploded flesh on my lips. I let her limp body drop to the ground. I wipe the wet from my face and then clean my bloody fingers with the front of my shirt. Her tiny lifeless body is draped over the bones and skulls. I step over it and walk silently past Bunce and Cara. A cold stone where my heart once was.
29
The Wall and Back
I wake to sunlight creeping through the canopy of leaves. My deep sleep was filled with a warm tingling feeling, and only the glorious dawn is enough to persuade me to leave my slumber. I don’t normally dream, and if I do, it’s always nightmares. Usually about being eaten alive by a large, male Mutil, or nightmares about crows pecking me to death, about my mother’s death, the public end to my grandfather’s life, and now Tess will be added to the horrors. The line between the world of nightmares and reality is blurred. The memory of Tess sinking her teeth into me for a second time, before I was forced to blow her brains out, will stay with me forever. I tell myself she is better off dead. I try to convince myself that what I did was for the best, that her mutilation wasn’t my fault but the sinking feeling is overwhelming and the monster that lives inside my head tells me otherwise, that I murdered her.
