She didn’t know how long she’d stood in the window but, in the darkness, a hand enveloped her waist. Ella felt a warm body press up to hers, fingers gently caressing her breast and then a nipple, lips spreading tiny tantalising kisses across her shoulder. She pulled back her head and the lips found the side of her neck.
‘I wondered where you’d gone,’ Sabrina whispered.
‘I couldn’t sleep.’
‘Maybe I could help with that?’ From the light of the street lamp, Ella caught the smile on her face as she moved to her side. She smiled back; she might not be good enough for Charley but Sabrina needed her.
Ella kissed her, making it as passionate as the kiss she had seen between Aaron and Charley earlier. Then she took Sabrina’s hand and led her out of the room.
When Charley woke up the next morning, she’d been relieved to find that she was in her own bed. The relief continued when she realised that she wasn’t drunk, nor had she embarrassingly stripped her clothes off or passed out shortly afterwards like she had last weekend.
Her clothes had been removed, though.
She glanced up at the man whose chest she’d been snuggled up to since and smiled. She had never met anyone who had such a positive outlook. Even in his sleep, Aaron looked happy. She knew she was a moody cow at times but being with him, well, he made her feel content. It was strange to feel that way after just a week. Funny things, hormones, she mused.
Last night it had happened. But even though she’d been tearful thinking about Dan as she and Aaron had made love, it hadn’t stopped her from enjoying all those bubbly feelings, still running through her now too. It was so long since she and Dan had gone through their lustful stages – where the touch of a hand would bring a quiver of anticipation, a wink of an eye would have her weak at the knees, where a fingertip with just enough pressure could send her to heaven. But being with Aaron had brought that all back and it felt so good. Charley couldn’t – and didn’t want to – rid herself of Dan’s memory but she sure as hell could make some new ones with Aaron.
She bit her lip. Had she really slept with him after a week? What a tramp! But she was in her thirties, not her teens, and didn’t have to justify three dates to move to second base and five dates to move to third. If it felt right, it felt right. Yet, she blinked back tears…What had she to feel guilty about?
‘Morning.’ Aaron opened his eyes slightly, briefly looking at her before closing them again.
Charley felt a hand touch her thigh lightly.
‘I’m awake.’ He sighed with relief. ‘It did happen, then.’
‘What exactly?’ Charley teased, knowing full well that this week she could remember everything from the night before. And that she didn’t want to blank any of it out.
‘You mean it wasn’t memorable? You know, the,’ Aaron whistled twice and mouthed the word ‘sex.’
Charley sniggered.
‘So how do you feel about it this morning?’
Last night, Aaron had been gentle with her, pausing when he’d clearly wanted to continue. At first she’d felt shy, resisted her urges, but then she had wanted him and no other man beside her, inside her. As her emotions soared, more tears had followed. Aaron had held her in his arms, no need for words, until she’d fallen asleep. Dan would always be special, but sleeping with Aaron had been the right thing to do.
She smiled now, recalling the second time they’d made love – that had been much better.
‘I’m okay,’ she told him. ‘I’m good with it.’
‘Thank God for that. Maybe now I can stop holding my stomach in all the time and relax a little more.’ He lifted the covers up. ‘And maybe this time when you cuddle into me, you won’t mind what brushes against your leg.’
‘Cuddle?’ She ran a hand over his chest. ‘I hope that’s not all you want to do.’
As soon as Ella awoke the next morning, she headed straight into the living room to check for Aaron’s car. Rage shot through her as she found it still there.
He stayed the night. But then, you always knew he would, didn’t you?
She slapped at her face. He was going to keep Charley away from her now; he’d want her all to himself. Oh, this was such a bad omen. She slapped her face again.
‘What are you doing?’ She heard a voice behind her.
‘I’m waking myself up.’
‘I can find a better way.’
Ella could tell she was smiling without looking at her. Sabrina was sweet, she’d give her that, but she hadn’t the patience for her this morning.
Sabrina came to her side and gave her a hug.
Ella didn’t return it, taking great pleasure when Sabrina’s smile dropped just before her arms did.
‘I thought, if you fancied, we could go out for lunch somewhere?’ Sabrina tried again moments later, when the silence became loaded.
Ella shook her head.
‘Look, if it’s the One Night Only thing you’re worried about, it doesn’t have to go any further if we meet again. We could –’
‘Who says I want to see you again?’
‘But I thought…seeing as you’re still naked…that you might be horny.’
Ella didn’t even turn towards her.
‘Ok-ay.’ A sigh. ‘I’ll get dressed and go, shall I?’
A moment later, the door closed behind her.
Fuck her. You don’t need her.
Ella squeezed her eyes tightly shut.
You only need me. You know that, don’t you?
In the quiet of her room, Ella heard a door open downstairs.
Chapter Eighteen
‘So, two oatcakes with sausage and cheese?’ said Aaron, kissing Charley before taking a step down the hallway. Then he came back and kissed her again. ‘Or maybe I’ll stay here and we can go out for something to eat?’
‘But I’m hungry.’ Charley kissed him back, pressing herself into him.
‘I’ve noticed.’
‘And I need to keep you eager.’
‘But I’m eager now.’
Charley smiled. ‘Oatcakes – go! It will only take you half an hour at the most.’
‘Half an hour is too long.’
‘I have to have them from Foley Oatcakes. They’re the best around here.’
Aaron sighed and walked away. By the entrance door, he turned back. ‘You’re sure I can’t tempt you with anything else before I go?’
Charley waved him away.
‘I’m going. I know you’ll be waiting for…’ Aaron looked up the stairs. ‘Hi, Ella, how’re you doing?’
Through the balustrades, Charley could see the top of Ella’s short dressing gown. Brightly painted toenails curled around the step she was stood on, three up from the floor.
‘I’m fine,’ Ella replied.
‘Seen anything of Steve?’
‘No. A definite one-night stand he was.’
Charley noted how Ella emphasised the words one-night stand but she still decided to greet her politely.
‘Morning, Ella,’ she said.
‘Morning.’
‘I’ll be off, then,’ said Aaron, into the growing silence.
‘Yes, push off and give her some peace. You don’t have to be so eager.’
‘I’m not eager. I –’
‘Have you been listening to us?’ Charley stepped out into the hallway and across to Aaron. Ella had no right to speak to them in that tone, nor listen to their conversation. Her eyes flicked up to meet Ella’s glare and she folded her arms.
It was a moment before Ella backed down and looked away.
‘Couldn’t help but hear you,’ she retorted. ‘It was vomit city.’
‘I think we have a case of the green-eyed monster,’ Aaron whispered to Charley, before pulling her into his arms and purposely kissing her again.
&nbs
p; A fresh-faced young woman came down the stairs. ‘I’ll be off then.’
Spotting her first, Aaron indicated to Charley with raised eyebrows. She turned, smiled when she realised Ella had got friends, after all. It was somewhat of a relief to see.
But the woman ignored Ella, almost pushing past her. Ella pulled her back and kissed her passionately, keeping her eyes firmly on Charley.
It was over in a few seconds but enough to embarrass them all. The younger woman stood looking shell-shocked.
‘See you soon,’ Ella said to her.
Charley saw the woman smile widely. ‘Okay, yes, I’d like that. Cool.’
Once she’d gone, Ella stormed back upstairs. Charley stood still for a moment, unsure of exactly what she had been a part of. Oh, God, she hoped somewhere along the line she hadn’t given out the wrong impression. Okay, if she’d thought about it more, she might have expected Ella to be bisexual; she had been a bit full on lately. But to do that blatantly, it seemed, to get her attention? She shuddered involuntarily.
‘What’s got into her?’ asked Aaron. ‘I thought you two were friends.’
Charley turned back to him. ‘I don’t want to be that kind of friend.’
‘I don’t think you could.’ He grinned. ‘See you in half an hour.’
Closing the door behind him, Charley turned to see Ella standing right behind her.
‘Jeez, you startled me,’ she cried, hand to her chest.
‘That didn’t go to plan, did it?’ Ella almost growled through gritted teeth.
‘I don’t follow you.’
‘You and him! You’ve seen him four nights this week.’
‘Sorry, I hadn’t realised you were keeping a note.’
‘You said you wanted a one-night stand.’
Charley shook her head. ‘No, I think I recall you saying that. That’s a little different.’
‘Whatever.’ Ella glared at her.
Unnerved but feeling the need to fight her corner, Charley continued. ‘And really, it’s not my style. I couldn’t sleep with anyone until I got to know them a bit first.’
‘What, like a week?’
‘I’ve known Aaron a lot longer than a week.’
‘Not intimately.’
Charley felt herself blushing. ‘No,’ she admitted. ‘But I’m so glad that I met up with him last weekend.’ She tried a different tack. ‘And I have you to thank for that.’
‘Oh?’
‘I moved here so that I could get over Dan. I hadn’t expected to be, I don’t know, set free – sounds such a farcical thing to say but that’s exactly how I feel. Moving here made me realise that I was hanging on to something that wasn’t ever going to come back. It freed me up to other possibilities – something that had been happening right underneath my nose but that I didn’t see because I was too scared to be with anyone else, in case they were taken from me.’
Ella gave a bored sigh.
‘If I hadn’t gone out with you last weekend, I might never have realised that Aaron was serious. I thought he was just doing it to cheer me up after I lost Dan.’ Charley grinned. ‘I had a great time with him last night.’
‘That’s amazing!’ All of a sudden, Ella smiled.
Charley realised it had been an effort. ‘You don’t seem happy about it,’ she couldn’t help but mention.
Ella pulled the belt on her dressing gown tighter. ‘I was thinking that we would see more of each other now that you’d moved in here. I didn’t think I’d have male competition – at least not this quickly.’
‘This isn’t a competition. And you make it sound as if I’m a floozy and have jumped into bed with the first guy who came along.’ When Ella didn’t respond, Charley gasped. ‘Come on now, you don’t believe that?’
Ella shrugged.
‘You think I’m going to be bringing strange men home every evening to have fun with because I feel I’ve been set free?’ She shook her head.
‘There’s nothing wrong in that,’ Ella almost snarled.
‘I’m not suggesting there is. You know how open-minded I am; look at the job I do. I think we should be able to live how we like – if we don’t hurt other people, obviously. I’m just saying that it wouldn’t suit me. If I give my heart, I only want to be with one man. I’d like a relationship rather than a fling.’
‘You don’t have to give your heart to be fucked by a man.’
Charley raised her eyebrows. ‘I know that too, and I’m not about to give my heart to Aaron but –’
‘Oh really? From what I’ve seen, and so quickly, I reckon you’re falling for him. Especially if he’s in your knickers already, considering not long ago you were crying on my shoulder over your dead husband.’
Charley couldn’t have been more shocked if Ella had leaned forward and slapped her across the face. To be angry with her for seeing Aaron was one thing, although she still didn’t understand why she should be, but to bring Dan into the conversation like that was out of line. What the hell was wrong with Ella?
Her breathing rapid, she struggled for words. Nothing seemed adequate to show how upset she was.
‘I’ve got to go,’ she said, feeling tears well in her eyes. ‘I’ll see you later, Ella.’
‘I suppose that’s pretty obvious, seeing as I live about ten feet away from you.’
Ella flounced upstairs, laughing to herself as she recalled the look on Charley’s face. She had made her feel that way – lost, mixed up, confused after her night of passion. Served her right for spending time with Aaron when she wanted to play instead.
But reality sank in before Ella reached her door. She was the one who felt all those things. Damn that woman for getting under her skin. She slammed the door shut.
How dare she think she was better than her – and to judge her too! It couldn’t be coincidence that Charley had talked about being a one-man woman, saying that she didn’t want to go off with lots of men – like Ella did all the time.
In the living room, she pushed over a pile of books; they scattered like the bricks of a condemned building at a demolition site. Next was the coffee table, up into the air and then over.
Someone must have been blabbing. Who the fuck was talking about her out there? Was it that stupid Jean across the road? If it was, she was going to have words with her – silly bitch. She should be happy enough watching, not interfering.
But worse than that was the knowledge that Charley had someone else to care for her now. Why was it that no one wanted to care for Ella? Why couldn’t she meet someone like Aaron who would sweep her off her feet? Not Sabrina, though – she didn’t want to live with another woman again after Nina.
It’s happening all over again. Someone’s stealing your thunder.
Ella pressed her hands to her ears and screamed.
You know what to do.
So many people interfered with my life, you know. Social workers, case workers, therapists, police, counsellors. Doctors, nursing staff, psychiatrists – you name them, I had one or another at any given time in my life. Often I had more than one. Sometimes I wished I had none. Because none of them helped me in the long run, did they? Oh no. I was a drunk – an alcoholic.
And as money was always tight, I’d go out to make a few quid on the streets. Sex had become a means to an end by then so why not make use of my body? When I was arrested and charged with soliciting, I started doing it with Brendan’s mates then, or any of the neighbours, for whatever they would give me in return.
I’d been caught shoplifting three times too, when I was too drunk to react quickly enough. Three fines for thieving from Morrisons supermarket. I don’t know why I continued to do it. Maybe it was the buzz it gave me, taking something from someone else. Right underneath their noses.
So I was an alcoholic, a thief, and a prostitute!
I was told I was schizop
hrenic, too, by the people in the know, but I didn’t believe them. They would often gang up on me to make me feel bad. But no one wanted to know why I was so drunk all the time, what I was trying to block out – the fact that I’d had no childhood and had been dragged up through the system. No, it was all about how out of control I was – addicted. I wasn’t addicted! I just needed someone to love me. Was that too much to ask, after all I’d been through?
I remember one social worker named Tanya Smith. She was nice but she couldn’t help me. She tried her best to get through to me, going out of her way to visit me, see how I was doing or encouraging me to come along to the next meeting. After one of the group sessions we’d had – Alcoholics Anonymous type of thing but we all knew each other – Tanya took me to one side, asked how I was coping. I’d had a little outburst, you see, in the meeting, in front of everyone, and she was worried.
I wasn’t worried. I just needed more booze. After each session, I would go and get blotto, ha ha ha!
Tanya wondered if it would help if I wrote my thoughts down in a diary or a notebook. So any time I felt angry or sad, I could write about it. Like I’m doing now.
Really, what was the use in that?
We’d discuss these notes at our one-to-one meetings, when I turned up for them. Sometimes I’d write things just because I knew she was going to read it and it would piss her off. Like I’d go into detail about fucking someone. Or write down how many drinks I’d had – just to see if I could annoy her. But she never retaliated.
Am I am angry now? Am I sad? Who the fuck knows? What I do know is that this writing lark? It doesn’t work. You think you can write down your thoughts and get them out of your mind? They won’t leave you – not even if you screw up the papers and set fire to them. They’re stuck inside your head. Forever.
I wrote in another notebook too for a while. This one was just for me. I wasn’t going to share that with anyone. ANYONE.
Like they gave a shit about me anyway.
Silly fuckers, the lot of them.
Ella cried uncontrollably, comparing herself to Charley. Everything had started to go wrong from the minute she’d turned up. And if she hadn’t rejected her friendship, had wanted to spend more time with her, there would have been no bad days. She wouldn’t be slip-sliding off the rails with no one to catch her on the way down, circling the drain into the depths of despair.
Watching Over You Page 14
