She sat on their old bed and looked at the walls. Parts of them were papered with an old, long-faded pattern, others were bare, smoothed grey patches of stopping compound over the board. The whole house was the same, unfinished, tottering between neglect and good intentions. Nothing had been done for a long time. They had started with determination and ended with disillusionment.
She should have told Pete she was leaving when she’d gone to the yard, Rachel decided. While he was away she’d had time to think and she came to the conclusion that if she didn’t go, Pete would drag her down with him. When she found him asleep in the chair, unshaven and snoring, the office reeking of liquor and stale unwashed clothes, she was appalled at herself for having waited so long.
She asked herself why she’d allowed him to talk her around. It wasn’t his promises to stop drinking and the talk of how they’d make things right again, because she didn’t believe any of it. The truth was he needed her. Pete’s problem was that he was weak. It wasn’t his lousy childhood, his drunk father or a run of bad luck, it was that Pete lacked the strength needed when life got tough. He had always relied on her to pull them through, and that had been okay because they were a team. But they weren’t a team anymore. Rachel knew if she took the reins and managed to get the yard running again, eventually Pete would resent her for it and the whole cycle would begin again. She didn’t think she could do that.
So why had she let him change her mind? Why really? It was guilt, she decided. She remembered how it felt talking to Michael Somers the night she met him in Clancy’s. For the first time in a long while she wasn’t just Pete Ellis’s wife, struggling to pay bills and feed the family. She experienced the slight heady rush that comes from being attracted to somebody. It was the way she felt when she was younger when men looked at her in a certain way, and her whole life had been ahead of her.
She got up and went to sit down in front of the mirror. She was still attractive, but she was on the wrong side of thirty and life had taken its toll. If she was going to have any chance of making a fresh start she couldn’t stay with Pete. She looked at the dress hanging on the closet door. The sales tag was still attached. She could take it back if she wanted. But did she want to? It was over with Pete. All of his promises had amounted to nothing as usual, though this time it happened faster than she expected. Perhaps that was a good thing.
He’d called her at work the day before to tell her he had to go away again with Red Parker. He said it was to do with the mysterious deal he had going, but she knew he was lying. Whatever the deal was, if it ever existed, hadn’t worked out and he just couldn’t face her.
She saw the dress on sale in a store in Williams Lake. The hem reached to her mid-thigh and showed off her legs. It was simple but flattering. She knew she looked good in it. She asked the sales girl to hold it for her and went outside where she called information for Michael’s number. He picked up after the third ring and her heart was hammering like it was going to leap from her chest. When she told him who it was he seemed surprised.
‘I feel kind of weird doing this,’ Rachel said. ‘But I wanted to ask if you felt like getting a drink or something. I know how that sounds, but it’s really not like that. It’s just that it was nice talking to you that night in Clancy’s. I mean you’re not a stranger exactly but you’re not from around here either. At least you were a long time ago…’
She broke off and took a breath. She was talking too fast and too much.
‘Look this is probably a terrible idea. Forget I called, okay.’
But as she was about to hang up he told her he was glad she called, and it would be good to meet somewhere for a drink. Rachel suggested a place out of town called the Red Rooster, and if he wondered why she chose such an out of the way spot he didn’t say so.
After she hung up she went back into the store and bought the dress.
What exactly was she expecting would happen, Rachel wondered? She told herself she just wanted to spend some time with somebody who wasn’t exactly a stranger, but who wouldn’t look at her and think of her just as Rachel Ellis who was married to a bum and a loser, who wouldn’t pity her and try to hide it, who wouldn’t notice the first signs of premature ageing in the lines around her eyes. She just wanted to know what that felt like.
She went to run a bath, into which she poured fragrant oil, and while it ran she laid out the new underwear she’d also bought that day. She’d put it all on her credit card, which bothered her, but she tried to put it out of her mind. She could worry about how to pay for it later. For now she wanted to forget about her life for a few hours. The kids were with friends and it was anybody’s guess where Pete was, and she had the house to herself. She went downstairs and poured a glass of wine to sip while she soaked in her bath.
***
The Red Rooster looked more restrained than its name suggested. It was a few miles off the highway, in what had once been a sprawling settlers’ home surrounded by landscaped gardens with a parking lot out front. Michael had imagined a bright neon rooster strutting the roof, the kind of bar that served ribs and hamburgers, where a jukebox played in the corner. Instead there was a neon sign, but it was written in understated flowing script discreetly above the door, and he doubted hamburgers would be on the menu.
It was ten minutes before eight. The bar was busy with diners and other people just drinking, but nobody paid Michael any attention. The lighting was low, and discreet music played at a level just below the hum of voices. He took a seat at the bar and ordered a scotch.
While he waited Michael reflected on Rachel’s phone call that morning. He was unsure what to read into it. His first thought, once he got over his surprise, was to invent an excuse and turn down her invitation, but he remembered the night they met in Clancy’s. She was one of the few people who’d treated him just like any other person. He imagined Rachel had problems of her own being married to somebody like Ellis. Perhaps they had something in common. She struck him as being unhappy.
When she arrived he stood up to meet her. She was wearing a dress which clung to the hollows and curves of her body as she moved. She looked terrific, but the effort she’d gone to made Michael vaguely uneasy.
‘Sorry, I’m a little late,’ she said.
‘I only just arrived myself. Can I get you a drink?’
‘Thanks. I’d like a glass of wine.’
When her drink came she took a sip and glanced around the room. He sensed that she was nervous and wondered if she was checking to see if anybody she knew was there.
‘You must be wondering why I called out of the blue like that,’ she said suddenly.
‘I was surprised, but I’m glad you did.’
‘Are you? Why?’ She closed her eyes for a moment. ‘Christ. What I mean is, you really didn’t mind?’
‘No, why should I mind?’
‘No reason, I guess. The thing is I don’t normally do this,’ she said. ‘I mean, call a guy and ask him if he wants to have a drink with me. Actually I don’t think I ever did that even before I was married. At least not that I remember. Anyway, you don’t have to worry.’
‘About what?’
‘I saw the way you looked at me when I came in just now. You looked worried.’
Had he been that obvious, Michael wondered. Rachel was looking all over the place, her eyes ricocheting off his and settling fleetingly somewhere else like the ball on an old fashioned pinball machine. She fiddled with her drink. He understood what it was he’d instinctively liked about her the night they met in Clancy’s, one of the things anyway. She had lost her way in the world and she was trying to figure out who she was, and it made her nervous because she didn’t know what people would think of her.
‘If I looked worried, it’s because I haven’t sat like this and talked with a beautiful woman for a very long time,’ he told her
She peered at him. ‘You don’t have to say that.’
‘I mean it. You look sensational, Rachel.’
She started t
o protest, but then appeared to change her mind. ‘Thanks. But you still don’t need to worry. I didn’t ask you to meet me for any devious reason. I just wanted to talk with somebody who isn’t from around here, like I said.’ She looked down at herself and plucked at her dress. ‘And I wanted to feel good about myself, I guess. Feminine. I wanted somebody to treat me like a woman instead of Pete’s wife and the mother of two kids.’
‘And like I said,’ Michael responded. ‘I’m glad you picked me.’
She smiled and they both relaxed a little. They talked for an hour, and Rachel told him about her marriage and how she had decided to leave Ellis. He told her he was sorry that her marriage hadn’t worked out and he was, though he also wanted to tell her she was doing the right thing because he couldn’t actually understand how she ended up married to somebody like Ellis in the first place. He kept that part to himself.
‘What?’ Rachel said, sipping her second glass of wine.
He came to, aware that he’d drifted off for an instant. ‘Sorry. I was thinking about something.’
‘So, tell me.’
‘It’s not important.’
‘Oh, okay. I didn’t mean to pry.’
She looked away, and Michael realized she was hurt because she thought he was brushing her off. ‘I’m sorry,’ he told her.’
‘What for?’
‘I’m just used to finding ways to avoid talking about myself, that’s all. It’s a defense mechanism you develop pretty quickly in a psychiatric ward.’
‘I understand.’
He hesitated. ‘What I was thinking about just then, actually, was why you ever married somebody like Pete Ellis.’
Her eyes widened slightly. ‘I didn’t know that you knew Pete.’
‘I don’t really, but from what I remember of him at high school, I would never have picked him as your type.’
Rachel managed a wry smile. ‘Believe it or not, when he came back from the army Pete had changed. He was trying, you know? The problem was when things got tough he couldn’t keep it up. I suppose that’s when you find out what people are really like.’ She sipped her wine. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Go ahead.’
‘You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘What happened to your wife?’ Rachel asked.
‘We divorced after I was convicted. Louise is remarried now. We haven’t had any contact for years.’
‘What about your daughter?’
‘I don’t have any contact with her either.’
‘That’s terrible. I mean it’s sad. Do you miss her?’
‘I think about her every day. I don’t know if that’s the same as missing her because I don’t know her. I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish none of it happened and we were all still together but that’s futile, isn’t it? She’s lost to me now.’
‘You could see her, couldn’t you?’
He shook his head. ‘She has a different life now. She wouldn’t even remember me.’
‘Wouldn’t your wife have told her about you?’
‘I don’t know. Louise used to write and send photographs, but I never opened any of her letters. I sent them back. I thought it was the one thing I could do, to cut myself off from them so they didn’t have to be reminded about what happened for the rest of their lives. I have no idea what Holly knows about me.’
‘She’s still your daughter. Children are forgiving, they’re not all like us.’
‘I suppose I think it’s better this way.’
‘Better for her not to know her father?’
‘It’s complicated,’ he said. How could he know it wouldn’t happen again? He was the same person. Nothing had really changed. He wouldn’t do that to his daughter. ‘I’m going to change the subject,’ he told Rachel. ‘Is that okay?’
‘I told you, you don’t have to talk about it.’
‘It’s difficult,’ he said. ‘I think because I haven’t figured it out. I haven’t figured myself out. I suppose that’s why I came back here. But Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?’
Rachel finished her drink. ‘Do want to leave? I don’t want you to think you have to stay if you’d rather not.’
‘Actually what I’d really like is to have dinner. I’m hungry. Do you feel like eating?’
‘Is that an invitation?’
‘Yes, sorry, I’m out of practice.’
She thought about it. ‘First, there’s something I have to tell you. It’s like a confession.’
‘Alright.’ He wondered what she meant.
‘It wasn’t exactly true, what I said earlier about just meeting for a drink. I bought this dress today. I don’t know what I wanted to happen. I mean I did, and I didn’t. Don’t. Still.’ She shrugged awkwardly, color rising in her cheeks. ‘I just wanted to tell you that so if you want to change your mind about dinner it’s okay.’
Nothing is ever simple, Michael thought. What we want, what we don’t want. There are no clear lines. Why had he agreed to meet Rachel? It was partly because he recognized they had things in common, maybe not in a strictly literal sense but they were both trying to come to terms with what they felt about themselves and their lives. Perhaps everyone felt that way to some degree or other. Who knew what subtle vibrations he sensed that drew him to her? He could say the same about Susan Baker, though in her case it was more complicated. When he left her house the evening he was supposed to stay for supper he was relieved, but it was only partly to do with Susan. He didn’t want to be the person Jamie resented.
He admitted that he was attracted to Rachel. They both needed the same thing whether they acknowledged it or not, and perhaps that was what they sensed in each other. But Michael knew that if she got up and left he would feel relieved. For a moment he felt as if he was on the verge of some insight about himself, but just as quickly as the feeling arrived it was gone again. Was that what he was waiting for? A neatly packaged solution to everything that occurred in his life? It didn’t work like that.
Rachel stood up and he knew it was because she’d taken his silence for an answer. But he didn’t want her to leave.
‘Stay,’ he said and she met his look and after a moment she sat down again.
***
When they left the bar Michael walked Rachel to her car. As it turned out they had a nice dinner. The awkwardness between them seemed to disappear and they talked about food they liked and TV shows and books and movies, and it didn’t feel like they were avoiding anything, but simply that they had reached an unspoken agreement to put all the other stuff aside for a little while. As she opened her car door Rachel felt warm inside. She’d enjoyed her food and the wine, and they had laughed, and suddenly she didn’t want to go back to her cold, empty house. She started to thank him, but he was standing close, and without really considering what she was doing she took a step nearer and kissed him. They stood that way for perhaps a second or two, and then headlights from a car swept over them and she stepped away.
‘I could come to your house,’ she said. ‘If you want me to.’
He didn’t answer right away and she could see he was torn. She knew he liked her, and she thought he wanted her to go with him but all the things that had happened in his life which she didn’t understand were at play. But like her his need overcame his reservations.
‘I’d like that.’
Rachel followed him out of the lot. It had begun to snow. Her heart was thumping. Was this what she wanted to happen from the moment she thought about calling him? She must have had the idea before that, but she couldn’t remember it happening. She thought of Pete, but though she expected to feel guilty she only felt sad. Their marriage had foundered a long time ago and all she’d been doing since then was delaying the inevitable. She thought it was for the sake of her children, but they were old enough to understand what was happening, and she doubted either of them would be surprised. If she was honest with herself, it would have been better for the kids if this
had happened a lot sooner. Unhappiness is like perpetual gloom, she thought. Time to throw back the shutters and let the light inside.
When they reached Michael’s house she waited while he unlocked the door. She shivered inside her parka, and he put his arm around her and drew her close. Her arms went around him in response and she rested her head at his shoulder. They went inside and Michael poured them both a drink. He stoked the fire and turned on a lamp, and they sat together watching the flames cast flickering patterns while sparks shot up the chimney. Rachel curled her legs up beneath herself. She thought they ought to go upstairs to his bedroom, but neither of them made any move and Rachel realized that wasn’t what they needed. She leaned against him and he put his arm around her.
She felt different, and wondered what the feeling was. It was familiar, and yet it wasn’t. She hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. Her mind was still and calm. All the turmoil that had plagued her life was forgotten, at least for a little while, and she wanted nothing more than that.
***
Standing at her kitchen window, Susan watched the snow falling outside. She sipped from a glass of wine wondering how Coop and Jamie had fared in the weather. It was supposed to be worse where they were. She smiled, imagining them eating hamburgers in a cozy cabin with the fire going. She wondered if there was a TV. Probably not. So they would have to talk and play games or something. Somehow the image she conjured became fractured.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had the house to herself, though it must have been the weekend when David was killed. The house was silent. She finished her wine and poured another glass, thinking vaguely about making herself something to eat. She felt hungry, but didn’t want to cook. In the end she settled on a frozen pizza which she put in the oven.
The pizza tasted bland, like processed everything, and when she tried to liven it up with herbs and pepper she overdid it. She tossed most of it in the bin. She kept a pack of cigarettes in a cupboard for emergencies. She allowed herself three a week, usually on a Saturday night with a glass of wine. She went outside and lit one. It was dark, though now and then the moon appeared through the clouds.
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